Will you seek medic
treatment from the Sonic
THURSDAY, APRIL 1,1999 VOLUME 74. ISSUE 33
Dean Dung finds himself
a new hottie. Inquiring minds want to know
who the lucky lady is.
Sonic Plait emits dangerous radiation
Horrible Deaths protest
Walking between the light-sensi-
tive pillars in front of the new
Joyner Library addition may be
hazardous to your health, accord-
ing to recent findings by the ECU
School of Medicine.
Tests on mice and special radi-
ation-sensitive film show high lev-
els of unsafe radiation all around
the pillars, whose new light sensors
use infrared beams to trigger a
musical burst each time a student
tuition slated to rise
When the search for a new bas-
ketball coach began, the goal was to
hire a big name coach. Wednesday,
E C U
one of thel
b i g g e s I
m e rl
Wildcats and Boston Celtics coach
will be officially named head coach
in a press conference slated for
Pitino has reportedly inked a
nine year deal worth over 145 mil-
The contract is the largest in col-
tege basketball history. The
specifics of the deal have not been
Tuition will be increased by 200
percent over the next year to pay
for Pitino's services.
Student reaction to the deal was
"Do what?" said senior, Physical
Therapy major, Chase Harrington.
"I knew they wanted a good coach,
but that's a lot of money
Other students were less critical.
"Who's Rick Pitino?" said
sophomore, Decision Sciences
major, Bryan Schultheis.
ECU athletes are pleased with
"That would be straight said
ECU sprinter Britt Cox. "Pitino is a
good coach, but they should have
gotten Phil Jackson
Pitino won a National
Championship in 19 with the
University of Kentucky.
He took the Wildcats to three
Final Fours. He also took
Providence to trie Final Four once.
He will make more money at ECU
than he made in the NBA.
passes by and trips a sensor.
Said Dr. John Polish of the
Radiation Treatment Center, "A
beam of radiation that intense can
interfere with a student's motor
capabilities, cause brain damage,
render him or her sterile, or prove
Head of Facilities Services
Barbara Spoons claimed that she
was "unaware of the risk" and has
taken steps to reduce the radiation
by at least 13 percent.
"In addition to turning off the
Sonic Plaza's electricity at 11 p.m
we will now leave it off between
the hours of four and six p.m. on
every other Friday afternoon she
"I don't really think I want my
daughter to attend a school where
there is a 65 percent chance she'll
turn into a mutant said Charles
Pew, father of an unnamed
Students are already organizing
campus-wide protests for April,
including a candlelight vigil and
boycott of the library.
The PDQ fraternity is sponsor-
ing a protest car wash, and the local
chapter of Students
Against Horrible Deaths are
heading up a march, which they
hope will attract national attention.
"I like this school said student
leader Ernest Spans. "I just don't
think we should have to die here
Pee Dee Giwn Kinder, Gender Image
Changes bring peace
The ECU board of Regents, in
conjunction with ECU Athletics,
announced a decision yesterday
that will have a profound effect on
Pirate attitude: Petey the Pirate is
scheduled to become a kinder,
gentler mascot beginning next
"We've had complaints in the
past, ever since Petey changed his
image last year said board mem-
ber Nass T Oldman.
Petey's new image impressed
students and faculty at first, but
the sudden weight loss and the
new pressure to look "cool" have
taken their toll on him mentally.
This year has been turbulent
for our mascot, the brave and
valiant Petey the Pirate.
After a strenuous semester of
dieting and exercising in the
Minges training room, Petey
proudly displayed his slimmer,
trimmer, more muscular physique
to the world a year ago.
But Petey had changed, some-
No longer the pleasantly portly
soul seen scowling down in a dis-
pleased manner from water towers
and store windows, Petey had
taken to acts of unwarranted
aggression on and off the field.
Coach Q. Tipp Browne of the
ECU badminton team agrees
wholeheartedly with the decision,
citing his own personal relief that
the "reign of terror" is now over.
"Petey would verbally harass
team members Browne recalled.
"Then he would wait until they
went to use the restroom during
practice, and take away their lunch
Scheduled changes for Monday
include a nice smile, ruffly sleeves
and cuddly tummy that children
and adults alike will love to rub.
Now the streets will be safer,
and students will not have to worry
about being attacked at practice.
"The changes haven't come a
moment too soon said freshman
Ben Dover. "We want the old
The Board of Regents announced the new kinder,
gentler Pirate in response to this year's testos-
terone charged image.
ILLUSTRATION BY CHRIS KHOTTS
Committee honors mall preacher with statue
A statue of the annual mall visitor
has been given to the school in
honor of his mission work.
Jery Birdlove, an evangelist
that visits ECU's campus annually,
to give a
honor of his
remind them of their daily sin.
The statue will be placed in the
mall directly across from the library.
When people walk by, the statue
will blurt but phrases. Birdlove
feels if the statue is here on cam-
pus, then there will be less of a
need for him to come here and
preach to the students.
The statue will stand on a plat-
form and be a total of nine feet in
height. Birdlove will be holding a
Bible and.pointing his finger as if
he were preaching.
The estimated cost of the statue
to have a
Texas, travels from university to
university to preach to the many
students about sin.
According to Birdlove, ECU is
one of the top party schools in the
country and is in sore need of
his opinion on
He feels women
should obey and
submit to their
meet a man like
me, you'll want
to submit also
quick to judge
the women in
crowd the last time he came to
campus. He was constantly
reminding them they were living in
un because they were wearing
It . 'V.J. C4,
He event went as far as saying
that declining grades comes from
"I think Birdlove is full of noth-
ing. How would
he know this fact,
unless it came
one male in the
fact that Birdsong
tors each year he
visits, the univer-
sity is allowing
his stature to
stand on the mall.
A sensor will
and trigger a digi-
tal voice to shout some of his
10 women will
walk Jiggle, recruit
TOO SUNNY CHIEF
Following the success of the
Athletic Department's Diamond
Girl program, plans were
announced in a press conference
Monday for a spin-off called Hoop
The Hoop Hos program will
solicit female college students to
try out for a coveted spot as a
1999-2000 Hoop Ho.
Ron Jeremy, Director of the
program said women will be cho-
sen according to the following cri-
"Candidates must know where
Williams Arena is.
"Candidates must at least pre-
tend to enjoy basketball.
"Candidate should maintain a
maximum 2.0 GPA
"The exceptional candidate
should be able to walk, jiggle, and
recruit adolescent high school
players all at the same time.
Jeremy made it clear that this
program should not be confused
with Pirate Cheerleaders or Pure
"We are not looking for women
with any particular athletic tal-
ents, so to speak Jeremy said.
"We want to celebrate the natural
abilities of young ladies and apply
those abilities to help boost ticket
sales, secure better recruits and
brighten up promotional events
The program is being modeled
after the WCW's Nitro Girls.
"We don't really expect our
girls to achieve what the Nitro
Girls have Jeremy said. "Not in
the first year anyway
Jeremy has already ordered
propts that should arrive before
the first practice session.
"We've got tassels, fingerpaint,
all colors of latex fabric for uni-
forms and most importantly eight
inch platforms, " Jeremy said.
"We want these ladies concentrat-
ing on walking well and looking
hot. There really shouldn't he
anytime to think about anything
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