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REBEL

SATIRE SUPPLEMENT

Inside
Julius Leo by Christopher Meddlelowe

An EXCLUSIVE Interview with AL Capp

The
Creation of the Society, according to the Ist Book of Johnsonsis "

Humor as a system of communications and as a probe of our environment
--of what's really going on--affords us our most appealing

anti-environmental tool. It does not deal in theory, but in immediate
experience, and is often the best guide to changing perspectives...?

Marshal McLuhan



Is it not too much, then, to ask that man be open-
minded? For is it not true, that we must laugh at
ourselves, before we can laugh at others?

editorial
editorial

Rvniatabed

editorial
edditorial



We as the future leaders of the next generation
must face the challenge that awaits us! And, we must
do so by reeking every possible advantage out of our
education. We as students at East Carolina University
have one of the best opportunities to really participate
in our education! We have a faculty dedicated to our
development. And, we have an administration that is
always ready to be of aid in whatever we attempt.
In the effort to maintain the perfect academic situ-
ation that we have, we of The Rebel urge that the
students here help the administration in every way
possible in the tremendous jobs that they have under-
taken.

Praise to your name so fair,

Dear old Hast Carolina.

Your joys we'll all share, "

And your friends weTll ever be.
We pledge our loyalty

And our heartsT devotion.

_ To thee, our Alma Mater,
__ Love and praise.

We must realize that advancements are evil! We
must realize the only system is that of the past! We
of The Rebel realize this. And, after we have helped
to rid our academic environment of these evil ele-
ments, we will continue to preach the way to happi-

ness and light"the way of the establishment!

Linda Dyer"Editorial Editor

4 Julius Leo

CONTENTS

COonrents
COonrents
Contents

GCONtSCNtS
COnrcents

CONntents
COnrents
CONnteNnts
COnteNnts

Contents
conrents

COoncrents
Contents

contents

3 = Editorial

Contributors
Christopher Meddlelowe
10 Hot Line News
New In-depth
11 EXCLUSIVE interview
with Al Capp
14 Photo-essay
16 Reflections in a

Whirlpool Irvin Prescott
Ode to a Frustrated

Urn Sid Morris
Ode to a City Pigeon oWest? Purdy
Untitled

Jon Douglas Sykes
17 Voltaire Perkins |
Rides Again
18 The Creation of the
Society
19 Romeo and Juliet
20 Best-Seller List

J. D. Sics
Virginia Wuuh

Latrines Irvin Prescott
Goobers Richard Kennedy
Pop Poems Bob Leinback

Nancie Allen

pgs. 1,4,6,8,9,19 Dick Miner
pgs. 11, 15 (top right) 7
15 (second left) Walter Quade
pgs. 14,15 Skip Wamsley

Steir
Stari
Starr

Starr

etairir
Starr

Starr
Stair

Stain

Starr

staf
Stair

Soetoro 5 ag de a ka VRE we BCE Hulk
ASSOCIRUG AUCIUOTS hee sie ee ee Nellie Johanna Lee
John R. Reynolds
TUM S: NBNRBOT is detec ks 6 ooo Skip Huff
Co-ordinating Editor ............. Paul F. Callaway
Art:and Design Editor « ..4... csc cece es Sid Morris
a Fr ge a aca, oe xe Terry Huffman
Carolyn Griffin
Ps ag kn a Pale Se be Gk Charles Griffin
BOVINE TAO 2. oss os sen cea .Edward Correll
Chief Photographer ..................Walter Quade
Advertising Manager .............. Mary Lynn King ©

Exchange and Subscriptions Editor ....Susan Connor

_ Typist and Correspondence Editor ..Norman Masters _

RMECRE SIEDOCLON Rist ed owe 8 ob as Bee res Ben Terrell
Spee .Ansistante 62.65) ess Cais Skip Wamsley
3 Dick Miner

Irvin Prescott

Richard Kennedy

Nancie Allen

Bob Leinbach

Janet Davis

Aseistant. Dato os oa i GA Letch Feeley
: May O. Naise
Elmer T. Fottigotz
Toona Fische

Ovip WILLIAMS PIERCE

thanks tO

DICK MINER is to be thanked first thing for his
immense contributions. He is the author of a number
of cartoons throughout the magazine.

SKIP WAMSLEY contributed immensely to the photo-
essay in The RebelTs satire supplement.

Thanks go to LETCH FEELEY, TOONA FISCHE,
A. RESEVWAH, and MAY O. NAISE from whom
perhaps the inspiration and guidance, necessary to
any publication, flowed continually.

Thanks to SUSAN CONNOR, CAROLYN GRIFFIN,
MARCEY JORDAN, HELEN | , for all
the things they did. It would be against the law to
renumerate them.

Thanks to J. D. SICS, wherever he is.

Thanks to BOB LEINBACH and MARY LYNN
KING, for their immense work in advertising and
everywhere else. Thanks to ED CORRELL, NANCIE
ALLEN, IRVIN PRESCOTT, RICHARD KENNEDY,
NORMAN MASTERS, and LYNDA DYER for their
help, once again. .

Advisor

_Last but not least, thanks to SID MORRIS, WALTER

QUADE, and CONFUSUS.

The Rebel is a student publication of East Carolina
University. Offices are located on the campus at 300
Old Austin Building. Inquiries and contributions
should be directed to P. O. Box 2486, East Carolina
University Station, Greenville, North Carolina 27834.

Copyright 1968. The Rebel. None of the materials
herein can be used or reproduced in any manner what-
soever without written permission. 3

"
JULIUS LEO

a tragedy in three acts
by Christoph er Medd/lelowe

rd



ACT I, Scene I"Fifth Street, near the Delta Zeta House
(Enter Flavius Wooten, Marullus Miller, Campus Cops and others)
Flavius Wooten"Hence! To The Hill, you idle creatures, get you home:
Is this a holiday? ItTs not snowing,
You ought not walk
Upon a school day without the sign.
Of your major ?"Speak, what school art thou of ?
1 cit" Why, sir, a primary education major,
What else? Sa
Marrullus Miller"Where is thy black board and jump rope?
And, you, cutie,
What trade are you?
2 cit." Truly, I do not know, I havenTt seen my adviser,
This year.
Marrullus Miller"But what trade art thou? Undecided?
2 cit."A trade sir that really swings,
Blows your mind,
Mends your soul. |
Marrullus Miller"What trade? Thou knave,
Thou naughty knave.
2 cit."Be not out with me baby,
For truly, all that I live by is in
This bag: I meddle with no manTs matters,
let there be Peace,
In Asia, and everywhere else.
Flav."But why art thou not in thy shop?
2 cit."Oh, man, we donTt believe in work"
One manTs labor is anotherTs work and
LoveTs labor lost.

| 1 cit."Truly, sir, ke a holiday t Leo,
CHRISTOPHER MEDDLELOWE "rhe,

In days of old there was a great controversy about who wrote Julius Caesar,
a tragedy in three acts,"Wilbur Shakespeare or Christopher Meddlelowe. A team
of researchers from The Rebel staff, in search of the original manuscript, made
an extensive all-expenses paid tour of all the old buildings that are falling down
all over England, and especially the old monasteries and libraries and other great
parking places. In their search they just happened to fall across another very old
manuscript. And when they wiped the dust off, much to their surprise, they found
another play, Julius Leo, a tragedy in three acts by Christopher Meddlelowe. Of
course, that solved the controversy immediately"Wilbur and Christopher had
written two very similar masterpieces. And in the confusion of the times, with
all those pilgrims traveling back and forth to Canterbury, ChristopherTs play was
lost, and everyone started claiming he actually wrote WilburTs play. We have since
turned our original manuscript over to the Archives in London, but it will: prob-
ably be some time before all the controversy cools down.

Nevertheless, as a contribution to literary history, here followeth the tragedy,
Julius Leo, by Christopher Meddlelowe:"The play takes place in Romeville, on
the eastern outskirts of Romaleigh, oFat City,? in. the Land of Rome.

"Dramatis Perfunae:

Julius Leo"ambitious political figure in the Roman World

Cicero Facultius

Publius Facultius

Popilius Facultius"members of the Faculty Senate, friends to Leo

Mysterius Brutus

Fitz Cassius Duncan

Casa Hippyus

Cinna Radicalius

Decius Pacifist

Trebonius Howell

Metallus Ambitious"conspirators

Menius Mallory 3

Coedius White"advisers to Leo

Flavius Wooten 3

Marullus Miller"Tribunes

Marcellus Bobius Morgan"popular demagogue in Eastern Rome, friend to Leo
Octavius Davidius Lloyd"ambitious plebeian politician

Pindarus Stevenius Mooreius"leader of the plebeians, servant to Leo

Marcus Antony East"significant

Dan K. Lecherous"insignificant

Lucius"servant to Brutus

Artemidorus Bradner"a Sophist from Chocowinity

A Soothsayer"Hero of the play

Numerous poets, members of student publications, student government officers.
Senators, citizens, grits, guards, attendants, and other hippies. }

Cometh not around as much as he used to.
Flavius Wooten"Go, go younger generation, and for
Your foolishness
- Rush to the sandpits,
And weep your tears,
Into the Tar River, till the lowest
sewer
Do kiss the most exalted shores of all.
(Exit citizens)
Flav."Go, you, Marullus Miller, and desperse
the others
These growing feathers pluckTd from LeoTs
Wing ;
Will make him fly an ordinary pitch
Who else would soar above the view of men,
And keep us all in servile fearfulness,
And underpayed, at that.
(Exit)

Scene II (Enter in procession, with music, Julius Leo, Marcus Anthony East,
Decius Pacifist, Cicero Facultius, Mysterious Brutus, Fitz Cassius Duncan, Casa
Hippyus, Menius Mallory, Coedius White, Marcellus Morgan, and Pindarus
Stevenius Mooreius. A great crowd of plebians, war protestors, civil rights demon-

~strators, Greeks and others, following behind. Among them the SOOTHSAYER,

THE COOL HERO OF THE PLAY, VEILED IN A LONG ROBE WITH A HOOD
OVER HIS HEAD.)
Soothsayer"Leo!

Leo"Ha! Who calls?

Casca Hippyus"Peace! Let the whole scene calm,
Peace yet again. Leo speaks.

Leo"Who is it"the student press, that calls on me?

I hear a tongue; shriller thar: all the music,

Cry, Leo. Speak for just this once;

Leo is turned to hear.

Soothsayer"BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH. (Soothsayer exists)
Leo"What man is that?
Brutus"A soothsayer, the hero of this play,

Bids you beware the Ides of March.
Leo"Set him before me; let me see his face.
Fitz Cassius Duncan"Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Leo.
Leo"What sayest thou to me now? Speak

once again.

And take that silly hood off your face,

You know that violates our dressing code.
Soothsayer"Beware the Ides of March. (Exits without removing hood)
Leo"He is a dreamer; probably one of those

young idealists;

Let us leave him. ~
(Exit all but Mysterius Brutus and Fitz Cassius Duncan)
Cassius"Will you go see the footing of the ball?
Brutus"Not I.

Cassius"I pray you do.
Brutus"I am not gamesome: I do ak some part
Of that quick spirit that is in Antony East
Let me not hinder, Cassius, your desires;
ITll leave you.
Cassius"Brutus, I do observe you now of late:
I have not from your eyes that gentleness
And show of love as I was wont to have:
You bear too stubborn and too strange a hand
Over your friend that loves you.
Brutus"(Aside) Where have I heard that before?
(To Cassius) Cassius,
Be not deceivTd: if I have vailTd my look,
I turn the trouble of my countenance
Merely upon myself. Vexed I am
Of late with passions of some difference,
Conceptions only proper to myself,

Which gives some nitty-gritty perhaps, to my behaviours;

But let not therefore my good friends be grievTd,"
Among which number, Cassius, be you one,"
Nor construe any further my neglect
Than that poor Brutus, with himself at war,
Forgets the shows of love to other men. 3
Besides, ITve been feelinT real bad lately.
Cassius"Then, Brutus, I have much mistook
your passion;
By means whereof this breast of mine hath
buried
Thoughts of great value, eereR? cogitations.
ne Tell, me, good Brutus, can you see your face?
Brutus"No, Have you got a mirror?
Cassius"Nothing personal, Brutus, but you could use
oWash-your-pimples-away? products, rather
Than these greasy creams and liquids you get,
Down at the gym. _
Brutus"No, Cassius; for the eye sees not itself
But by reflection, by some other things. ~
ITm giving up, sweets.
Cassius"TTis just: :
And it is very much lamented, Brutus,
That you have no such mirrors as will turn
Your hidden worthiness into your eye,
That you might see your shadow. I have heard,
Where many of the best respect in Romeville,
Except Immortal Leo,"speaking of Brutus,
And groaning underneath this ageTs yoke
- Have wishTd that nobel Brutus had his eyes.
Brutus"Into what dangers would you lead me,
Fitz Cassius Duncan,
That you would have me seek into myself
For that which is not in me?
Besides, I donTt want no trouble with Leo.

Cassius"Therefore, good Brutus, be preparTd to hear:
And, since you know you cannot see yourself
So well as by reflection, I, your glass,
~ Will modestly discover to yourself
That of yourself which you yet know not of.
For I, will fill you in on the whole plot,
Just like in the movies.
And be not jealous on me, gentle Brutus:
Were I a common laugher, or did use
To stale with ordinary oaths my love
To every new war protestor, if you know
That I do fawn on men, and hug them hard,
And after scandal them, then I would be
Like those men we know of in California,
And you should hold me dangerous.
(Shouting and the singing of Dixie)
Brutus"What means this shouting ?
. I thought we were playing West Texas State
this afternoon....
I fear these Eastern Romans,
Dazed and in their drunken stupor,
Choose Leo for their governor.
Cassius"Ay, do you really fear it?
Then must I think you would not have it so.
Brutus"Shucks, Cassius, I donTt know.
_ As governor he could do us little harm,
And in Romaleigh he would do as the Romans do.
So I will look on both indifferently;
For, let the voters so speed me as I love
The name of honour more than I fear politicians.

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(Re-enter Leo and his train)
Cassius"Casca Hippyus will tell us what the matter is.
Leo"Antony East?

Ant.""Leo?

Leo"Let me have men about me that are fat;

Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep oT nights:

Men that will not question my policies,

(then to himself) We will spend more on Athletics,
and beat West Texas next year.

(To Antony)

Men that will avoid political fights,

And men whose opinions on the university issue,

We will not have to fear.

Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look;

He thinks too much; and the other day

I saw him looking at a book.

Ant. "Fear him not, Leo, heTs not dangerous;

He is a noble Romevillian, |

And will given.

WHY, CASCA HIPPYUS
TELL US WHAT HATH
jf) CHANCED TODAY THAT
j: LEO LOOKETH SO

es, , SAV-

oWHY, WEST TEXAS
ff HATH STOMPED THE
HELLS OUT QF ys

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Leo"Would he were fatter!"But I fear him not:
Yet if my name were liable to fear,

I do not know the man I should avoid, |
Except perhaps Octavius Davidius Lloyd,

So much as Fitz Cassius.

He is a great observer, and he looks

Quite through the deeds of men: he loves no
plays,

As thou dost, Antony; he hears no music:
Seldom he smiles, and smiles in such a sort
As if he mockTd himself, and scornTd his spirit
I rather tell thee what is to be fearTd

Than what I fear,"for always I am Leo.
Come and I will oo these words

In your ear, 3

So as not to give away the plot.

(Exit Leo and his train. Casca Hippyus remains behind.)

Casca"You motioned for me to linger, baby,

What can I do you for?

Brutus"Ay, Casca Hippyus tell us what hath chancTd today,

That Leo looks so sad? |

Casca"Why, West Texas hath stomped the hellius out of us,
And Coach Stasavichius was carried from the field.
And in the middle of it all

Cicero Facultius, quite by mistake,

Cheered for the other team.

And to top it all off,

Decius Pacifist led a demonstration when

The Roman Anthem was sung,

And Cinna Radicalius led. a civil rights demonstration,
When Dixie was played at half-time.

Reitds tie I thought Noble Leo,

In fear of a general uprising,
Had banned the playing of Dixie.

Casca Hippyus"Ay, baby, but the KATs brought their own band.

Two hundred campus cops put down the riot,
Several cops were injured in the ruckus.

Brutus"Well"

Casca Hippyus"But, most of all, baby, "

When Leo rose to speak third quarter,
Everyone was so drunk,

No one would listen to his speech,

And as.usual, he gave up in frustration,
After cussing out the Romaleigh newspapers.

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_Brutus"-And after that he came, thus sad, away?
Casca Hippyus"Yea, man.

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{ suryyAue Avs sniqynoeg 010019 pIq"snissen Zz

Cassius"Ah, by your voice I can tell,

Not to mention how you smell,

It is Caseca Hippyus.

You look dull, Casea, pale, and

Gaze and cast yourself in wonder,

What are you on"

that could cause you look so cheat ?

Casca"Nothing you would understand, Fitz Cassius,

Oh, they say tomorrow that faculty senators,

Will again bow unto Leo,

Cicero Facultius doth even fear for his job,

The AAUP senators will not speak a word,

And it is rumored that many of the younger senators,

Will not come.
Cassius"These are troubled times,

But I know where I will wear this dagger

then,

For Cassius from bondage will deliver Cassius;

There in, ye gods, you tyrants do defeat:

For myself, being weary of these wordly bars,

Of neglect, and promises, and speeches and speeches,

And more speeches,

Will seek and end most just honourable.

Casca Hippyus"I donTt believe in violence,
But, for this, I will make an exception.
ITm so tired of being scorned at for my ways,
And forced to live by certain rules,
And always the omnipresent dean,
LeoTs doing,
At my side.
Cassius"And why should Leo be a tyrant,
then ?

Poor man! I know he would not be a wolf,

But that he sees Romevillians are but sheep.
Casca Hippyus"I am with you, baby. |
Cassius"ThereTs a bargain made.

Now know you Casea Hippyus, I have movTd already

Some certain of the noblest-minded Romevillians

To undergo with me an enterprise

Of honourable-dangerous consequence.

Casca Hippyus"Someone comes.
Cassius"~Tis Cinna Radicalius,

I do know him by his gait.

(Enter Cinna carrying a poster saying ~down with the establishment. ')
. Cassius"I believe you know each other,

Casca, Cinna, has joined our noble cause.
Cinna"Oh,.good, we must act quickly,
| Do not think upon the circumstances,

But that the aim be lowered.
Casca"If only we could win noble Mysterious Brutus,
To our cause,
He is well liked by Antony, and Leo.
Cassius"Be you content, Casca, "
Good Cinna, take this paper,
And place it in BrutusT eine, where
He chance to find it; nies

And throw this in at his winiow.

Then prepare to my house

Where you shall find us.
| Is Decius Pacifist and Trebonius Howell there?

Cinna"Yea, and they are still complaining, »
- _Decius Pacifist will have no part of violence.

He would not take the dagger,
Yet, in the end, he did agree to call on Leo,
And attend him to the Senate.
Trebonius Howell has not spoken a word,
And still trembles at the mention of our goal.
But, the night is still young,
And I will see you later.

(Exit Cinna Radicalius)

Cassius"Come, Casca, let us go,

And tomorrow morning call upon noble Brutus,

Three parts of him is ours already;

And the man entire,

Upon the next encounter, yields him ours.
Casca"Yea, baby, whatever you say. (Exit Cassius and Casca)
Act II :

Romeville"BrutusT house, way up on a hill. It is still raining.
(Brutus stands, gazing out of a window)
Brutus: The abuse of greatness is, when it disjoins
Remorse from power: and, to speak truth of
Leo,
I have not known when his affections swayTd
More than his reason. But Ttis a common proof
That lowliness is young ambitionTs ladder,
Whereto the climber-upward turns his face;
- But when he once attains the utmost place
He does unto the ladder turn his back,
Even in his job he gets a little slack,
Looks into the skies, secorning the base degrees
By which he did ascend.
(Enter Lucius, servant to Brutus. Hands him a letter)
Luc."This paper, thus sealTd up; and I am sure
It did not lie there when I came in,
From the movies tonight.
- Brutus"Get you to bed, boy,
Oh, and is not tomorrow the Ides of March?
Look in the calendar, and bring me word.
Bring me an alkaseltzer, also.
(Reading from the letter)
~Brutus, thou sleepTst: awake, and see thyself.
Shall Romeville, etc., Speak, strike, redress!
Brutus, thou sleepTst: awake."T
(Closing letter) . |
What poor grammar, and freemen ies sentences,
Also.
Does this letter mean that Romeville
Shall not stand under one manTs awe?

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(Leo walks to door and opens it for Pindarus Mooreius, who enters, soaking wet.
Pindarus bows three times and then smiles weakly.)
Pindarus"Leo, I hope you do not stir forth today,
For my spies have told me horrible things,
Are afoot in Romeville,
, And I have had a terrible dream.
Leo"Leo shall forth.

The things that threaten me

LookTd but on my back, and when they see my face

They are vanished.

Pindarus"Go not forth, for I have invisioned
Students fighting in the streets,
In ranks and squadrons and right form of war,
And radical organizations coming left and right.
Alas, my lord,
Your wisdom is consumTd in confidence,
Do not go forth today, call it my fear
That keeps you in the house.
Let me, upon my knee, prevail in this.
Leo"Oh, you are such a silly, Pindarus Stevenius Mooreius.

ITve already put on my Right Guard,

And ITve got 24-hour protection.

ITm sure the Faculty Senate meeting wonTt last that long.

{Knocking is heard. Pindarus answers the door. | .
Enter Decius Pacifist. ) ;

Decius"Good, good Morning, Leo, how fare thee today ?
Leo"Leo is well today, and you have come

In time to relay my message that Leo,

Will not attend the Faculty Senate on this day.
(Pindarus smiles and jumps up and down with glee)
Decius"Most mighty Leo, let me know some cause,

Lest I be laughTd at when I tell them so.
Leo"Pindarus here, my good servant, stays me home.

He dreamt tonight he saw my statue,

Which, like a fountain with a hundred spouts,

Did run pure blood; and many lusty Romevillians,

Came smiling and did bathe their hands in it,

And so on bended knee he begged me to stay in today.

Decius"Shall I tell the senators that Leo is stayed,
In fear of the silly dream of a mere plebeian.
(Leo blushes) ee
Besides, the senators have got great news for
you today,
And if you shall send them word you will not come
Their minds may change.
If Leo hide himself, shall they not whisper,
Lo, Leo is afraid. :
Leo"How foolish are your dreams, Pindarus,

You are right, noble Decius,

Hand me my robe, Pindarus,

Leo will go. ,
(Knocking at the door. Enter Mysterious Brutus, Metallus Ambitious, Casca
Hippyus, Trebonius Howell, Cinna Radicalius and Antony East.)

~Leo"Good morning, everyone, come and have some coffee.

Instant Maxwell House. 3

Trebonius Howell, . roe

I have an hourTs talk in store for you;

Remember that you call on me today:

Be near me, that I may remember you.

Trebonius: (Aside) Leo, I will"and so near will I be,
That your best friends shall wish I had been,
further.
Leo"Give me a couple of minutes,
And I shall dress, "
Then we'll off to the Faculty Senate.
(Exit all)
Scene II"Romeville, near Whichard Hall. It is only drizzling rain.
(Enter Artemidorus Bradner, a Sophist from Chocowinity, reading a paper.)
Art."~Leo, beware of Brutus; take heed of Cassius; come not near Casca; have an
eye to Cinna; trust not Trebonius; mark well Metellus, Decius Pacifist loves
thee not; thou have done them all dirty. There is but one mind in all these
men, and it is bent against Leo. If thou beest not immortal, look about
you: security gives way to conspiracy. Thy friend, Artemidorous.T
Art."Here will I stand till Leo pass along,
And as a suitor will I give him this.
My heart laments that virtue cannot live
Out of the teeth of emulation. :
If thou read this, O Leo, thou mayst live;
If not, the fates with traitors do contrive. (Exit)
Scene III"Near Wright Auditorium.
(A crowd of people line the streets to see Leo. Civil Rights demonstrators
are carrying signs saying, ~Down With Dixie,T Hippies are shouting oBan the
ROTCEES,T the KATs are singing ~Dixie.T Others carry signs reading oLong Live
Education,T ~More Books,T ~Down With Athletics,T etc.,
| Among the crowd are Artemidorus and The Soothsayer. The Soothsayer is
still hooded, and is still the hero of the play. Enter Leo, being carried on a divan
by Menius Mallory, Coedius White, Fitz Cassius Duncan, and others. Casca
Hippyus, Cinna Radicalius, Decius Pacifist, Trebonius Howell, Metellus Ambitious
and Antony East follow beside Leo.
Two hundred campus cops line the sidewalk.) ©



(All gather around Leo.)

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Leo"The Ides of March are come. |
Soothsayer"Ay, Leo, but not gone.
Artemidorus"Hail, Leo, read this schedule.
Decius Pacifist"Trebonius doth desire you to read,
at your best leisure, this is humble suit.

(The crowds press toward Leo. Profanity is heard from the rank and file.)
Art."O, Leo, read mine first, for mine,

Touches Leo nearer.
Leo"What touches us ourself,

Yuk, yuk,

Shall be last served.

_ Art."Delay not, Leo, read it instantly.

(Leo and his train proceeds into the Auditorium. Campus cops dispel demonstra-
tors.)

"As the large doors to'the Auditorium are bolted, WOOW radio is heard an-

nouncing, oMass rioting has broken out in and around the Administration Build-
ing, also in the School of Nursing. Campus cops, however, have dispelled the
student rioters and the cops as usual have everything under control.?
(Leo enters the Faculty Senate. All the senators rise and bow three times)
Popilius"Things are getting hectic around here, Mysterious Brutus.
I hope your enterprise, today may thrive. (Approaches Leo)
Cassius"What said, Popilius Facultius?
Brutus"He wishTd today our enterprise might
thrive.
I fear our purpose is discovered.
Cassius"Cinna Radicalius, be sudden, for we fear prevention.
Brutus, what shall be done if we are discovered ?
Brutus"Cassius, look, Popilius is laughing,
He must have been kidding us about the AAUP.
Cassius"Yea, that was a real joke.
Look, Brutus, Trebonius knows his time;
_ He draws Antony East away from Leo.
(Exit Afttony East and Trebonius. Leo and the senators take their seats.)
Decius Pacifist"Where is Metellus Ambitious?
Let him go and presently prefer his suit
To Leo.
Brutus"He is addressed. Press near and second him.
Casca Hippyus"Cinna Radicalius, you are the first that rears
your hand.

Leo"What is the trouble?
This is not the way to do things.
Everyone take your seat and I will tell you,
When to stand and when to sit.
Metellus Ambitious"O most mighty Leo,
Remember last week,
You fired the only newspaperman,
We had left.
Will you please replace him?
And, also, we need an offset press,
In our department,
Real Bad.

Leo"No, no, no.
We are going to spend more money
On the football team,
And that is that. |
Brutus"O noble Leo, I bend my knee, and here"
Even present a petition from the AAUP,
In support of MetellusT plea.
Fitz Cassius"Pardon, Leo; Leo, pardon;
I think we ought to spend the money
For this printing press.
Leo"I could be well movTd if I were as you;
But I am constant as the northern star,
That unassailable holds on his rank,
And let me show it even in this.
We will get one of those things next year.
Casca Hippyus"O, Leo, please change your mind?
Leo"Hence, wilt thou lift up Olympus? .
Decius Pacifist"Pretty please, Great Leo?
Leo"Doth not Brutus bootless kneel.
Heck no, I said.
Cinna Radicalius"(Drawing his knife) Speak hands, for me!
(Three pistol shots are heard from the auditorium balcony, and Cinna Radicalius
falls, dead, to the floor. Fall also Casca Hippyus and Decius Pacifist, who had
drawn their daggers. :
The Soothsayer swings down on a rope from the balcony as most of the
Faculty Senators faint. Mysterious Brutus and Fitz Cassius dash out the back
and into their Edsel chariot for a quick get away.
THE SOOTHSAYER, THROWING OFF HIS HOOD, REVEALS HIS TRUE
IDENTITY, IT IS NONE OTHER THAN"Toldyousoius Tucker, Deanius of
Plebeian Affairs.)

































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Toldyousoius Tucker"All is in flames.

The Ides of March are truly come.
Students,
Backed by the ROTCEES,
Have overthrown the campus cops.
The administration building has been razed,
And everyone is in flight.
We all better git while the gittinTs good.
Octavius Davidius Lloyd,
Leader of the junta, proclaimed,
oStudent freedom, abolition of athletics,
And restoration of the library.?
But, O noble Leo, not all is lost,
Marcellus Bobius Morgan,
Popular demagogue in Eastern Rome,
Just called me on the phone this morning,
And you have been elected Governor of Rome,
As a write-in candidate,
And all live happily everafter,
Pax Universitus.

THE END.

Pittag cn,
cow
ae

aes

, wy Seek say

Hot Line News

Washington, March 15"In an _ unprecedented
maneuver yesterday the chairman of the Federal
Communications Commission issued orders to all radio
and television stations to forbid the performing of
three of the most popular songs in the history of
American popular music. The songs are oBlow,
Gabriel, Blow? by Cole Porter, oCruising Down The
River,? and oKeep It Gay, Keep It Gay? by Richard
Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein, II. The songs were
banned because they were rated #1, #2, and #3
respectively on the oAll-Time Homosexual Hit Parade?
in a poll conducted by the Mattachine Society.

Failure to comply with the ruling will result in a
revocation of the broadcasterTs license and a $5,000
fine and/or ten years in a federal penitentiary.

In the light of this decision various Grievance
Committees have filed complaints with the Federal
Communications Commission for the following songs
to be banned:

oMine Eyes Have Seen The Glory Of The Coming Of
The Lord?T"American Society For The Blind Griev-
ance Committee

oChain Of FoolsT"Ku Klux Klan Grievance Com-
mittee

oDays Of Wine And Roses?"Alcoholics Anonymous -

Grievance Committee

oPuff The Magic Dragon?"American Cancer Society
Grievance Committee |

oDoes Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The
Bedpost Over Night?"American Dental Association
Grievance Committee

oFrom Russia With Love?"Daughters of the Ameri-
can Revolution Grievance Committee

oAround The World In 80 Days?"Presidential Com-
mittee To Keep The Gold At Home Grievance Com-
mittee 7

oJudy In Disguise?"Central Intelligence Agency
Grievance Committee

oWhere Are You Tonight Sweet Marie?T"WomanTs
Residence Council Grievance Committee

oDonTt Come Home ATDrinking With Loving On Your
Mind?"Dean White Grievance Committee

oGo Tell It On The Mountain?"Dan Moore Grievance
Committee 3
oBaby Let Me Bang Your Box?T"Dean White Griev-
ance Committee , 3 :
oNothing Could Be Finer Than To Be At Carolina?"
Dr. Leo JenkinTs Grievance Committee

oBeautiful Dreamer?"Student Government Resse

ation Grievance Committee

oThe Times They Are ATChanging?"East Carolina
University Administration Grievance Committee

And last but not least,

oDixieT"Negro StudentTs Grievance Committee

NEWS

Greenville"February 17, 1970

The oldest building in North Carolina education
circles, Old Austin Building, located on the campus
of East Carolina University in Greenville burned
down only two years ago today, February 17, 1968.
Let us reminisce with the various and sundry news
media of the day as they reported the scope of the
tragedy to grief-stricken Eastern North Carolinians.

News of the terrible tragedy first hit Eastern
Carolinians over WPXY, the local radio station in
Greenville. Here is an actual reproduction of that
newscast taken from the original tape in the files
of Pixy:

oAnd that was Kitty Wells singingT ~DonTt Come
Home A DrinkinT With LovinT on Your MindT folks,
and before our next song by The New Christian
Quartet we have a flash, hot-line, news bulletin
brought to you by Heilig-Meyers who this week is
having a sale on large mattresses for $39.95.

Pixy is always the first to bring you the news!
But before we hear the news flash letTs hear this
unsolicited word from someone who has visited
Madame Lorraine:

oT could find no job Ttil I saw Madame Lorraine.
That woman sat my life straight and ITm jes here
to say she do if fo you to, on the Highway two
sixty fo in Bethel.T

_And NOW, that news bulletin youTve all been
waiting for"right after this word from The Jewel
Box who is having a special on their diamond-studded,
six karat, gold-plated electric letter-opener, just a
dollar down and a dollar every Saturday.

Now Pixy, FIRST and ALWAYS with the NEWS,
the only radio station with hot-line reporters in
both Chocowinity and Bear Grass brings you this ex-
clusive, copyrighted, authentic news bulletin. This
bulletin is copyrighted so that no other radio station
within a hundred miles may report this exclusive item

di-dit-dit-di-dit-dit-dit, di-dit, SIE ELS di-
dit-di-dit-dit-di-di-di-di-di-dit-dit-di, zit, zit, zit, In
Greenville ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY primary

Gong, Gong, GONG! Well folks, now hereTs Cow-
boy Copas, with some gold time music for us, singing
his original version of oHillbilly Heaven.T

THE DAILY REFLECTOR

Greenville"(AT) A trajedic fryer of undeter-
mined orgasm today swept through the oldest build-
ing on East CarolinaTs Campus today. The fire raised
the Building in the three minutes fat.

Authoritys announced that over onhundred and

fifty primatery majors were bunred to there death

in the friar, More.

A class of fifty TRoTCE students narrowly escaped
the fire dew to the abcess of their commanding chief,
which was in the Pamaco Room for a coffee brake.
Fortionately a vetron psserby, saw their plite and
yelled trhough an open winow a command, oLeave

' leave, leave, burning buidling.?

The passerbye was later identyfied as a priave
first class, and formur croups cammandit who under-
stod the sitsuation in the lderless croup.

Unforately, the primates majors were in the base-
ment blding practising turning the lights off. Some

bodies were found etagled in scorched jump rapes.

hiles others were find in remnunts of playpens.

the Deam of the School of Ecuation sad, oit was~

unfrtunate that the insidenet took place today ecause
next week the class were scedudled to study filing
out of classrooms in fire drill practice.? The team
smoke highlly of the girls pointingout croup com-
mandit who understood the sitsuation of the Iderless
croup turning the liyhts off.

Some bodies were found entagled in that the firls
al had tree point adverages or above. A class out
of classrooms in fire drill practice in the PamacoRoom
for yesterdayTs cryptyogram answers on page two
were the c, sktue, thie, t,,t, theit ..s the ti t Pamaco,
a nd out dthe di th sithe Idkjdth tith man with dht
ejump rap.

EAST CAROLINIAN

The Administration acknowledged today there was
a small conflagation somewhere on campus some time
last week. A spokesman for the Administration, on
being questioned immediately after the tragedy, was
qucted as saying, oEC has come a long ways since
1907. In the Science Department alone we have

added 402 instructors. The anticipated freshman >

enrollment for next year is 4200 which represents
an increase of over 200% in the last two years. This
is yet another step in the growing university process.
This demonstrates a growing giant of the fire.? (sic)

When asked to be more specific (sic) about the
tragic loss of Education majors, the spokesman said,
oOur education department is one of the finest on
the Eastern Seaboard. The department is one of the
finest on the Eastern Seaboard. The department boastsT

an enrollment of over 7,432 students and over 520

professors including 384% of whom hold Ph.D.Ts in
their field and 45% .. .? ete., (sic)

Remarking on the loss of Old Austin, vice-president
of the school said, oHowever this loss of Old Austin
is regrettable to us all, this fits right in with our
great plans for expansion. A new auditorium will be
completed in 1972 on the same site, and now we
have been saved the expense of having to tear it
down!? (sic)

Dean White, Dean of Women, announced two new
rulings in light of the recent tragedy: oFirst no

owomen will be permitted in the now darkened ruins

of the building and second, because the building was

probably burned by a fire started by a cigarette, no

women students may smoke on campus anymore.?
Dean White pointed out that most fires are started

by matches and most cigarettes are started by matches -

so: no cigarettes will be permitted to be lit on campus
by women students. (sic)

SGA Vice-President Steve Poor announced
$35,000.00 would be used for a study on erecting a
three foot cinderblock marker in memory of the
students lost in the fire. (sic)

A five hour discussion raged in the legislature, con-
cerning the size and color of the cinderblocks to be
used. Action was tabled on the bill and a committee
will be elected by the student body to study the
feasibility of such a memorial.

Steve Poor also announced that the tickets for
the Embers Concert may be picked up in Wright
Auditorium Monday. (sic)

NEWS AND OBSERVER

10

(The only reference to the tragedy in the Ra-
leigh News and Observer was a short note in Dect
column.)

These two came out of the billiards parlor. One
of them dangled a cigarette from the side of his
mouth.

oHow about that?? said the first.

oYou mean about the heat being on in Greenville??

oYeah,? said the first, watching the blonde with
the tight pink slacks.

oSounds like just some more of LeoTs publicity
stuff.? ;

=|-

EXCLUSIVE interview

A? Capp

Al Capp speaks in a booming voice about some
very BIG THINGS. He is a cartoonist. A satirist. At
times, he is cynical. At times, philosophical. But he
is always honest. Always real. Always exciting.

LTil Abner premiered August 1934. A young and
foolish country bumpkin, with starry-eyes and the
most illuminating idiotic grin ever drawn by a car-
toonist, was instantly taken into the hearts of mil-
lions of Americans.

Today, Abner enjoys an audience of 80,000,000
readers. And Capp, almost the opposite of his crea-
tion, is recognized as a social critic.

Capp nets anywhere from $500,000 to $1,000,000
a year for his labor. In addition, he has worked in
television. (A new series of specials is in the planning
stages now.) He has worked in radio. And, his comic
strip has been the only comic strip ever to inspire a
Broadway musical.

To add, growing out of his comic strips, a chain
of Abner restaurants run from Canada to California.
Kickapoo Joy Juice is in the bottled soft drink market.
LTil Abner overalls and Daisy Mae blouses, Mammy
Yokum corn-cob pipes, and Kigmy and Shmoo dolls,
are all ofor sale.?

Alfred Gerald Caplin grew up in Bridgeport, Con-
necticut, where, as a boy, he lost his right leg in a
street-car accident. After study in nine different art
schools, always high-tailing it when the bursarTs bill
arrived, he landed his first job at twenty-three, as a
cartoonist for Associated Press.

After several months he either quit or was fired.
He says, quit. Two years later he walked into the
office of United Features Syndicate with his LTil
Abner idea.

Capp: I donTt think of myself as a cartoonist. I
think of myself as a novelist and of Abner as a novel,
a page of which is published every day. At the end
of the year ITve written 365 pages, fully illustrated.
After 34 years at it, thatTs a pretty damn big novel.

What do you think about our magazine, The Rebel
(Fall issue) ?

Capp: Well having simply opened the front page
of it and seeing some pictures of the staff, I see its

run by clean-shaven boys and pretty girls; which is a

different sort of staff than most of the eastern col-
lege magazines.

The only bearded one of the staff is my husband,
who is poetry editor. He has been in the Army for
three years and the Peace Corps for two years and
he just wanted us to be sure and tell you that he
agrees with a lot of what you say.

Capp: Well, then I foresee a happy marriage...
ITll even forgive him his beard.

There are practical reasons for it.

Capp: Is it? What is it?

An extremely receding chin.

Capp: Oh, really, really . .. well thatTs the only
reason really to wear a beard. Either that, or a
great sympathy for vermin in cold weather.

In an interview in the December, 1965 Playboy
you said, oour current crop of campus rebels are
fakes. TheyTve been taken by their leaders.? DonTt
you think many of these people are sincerely inter-
ested in finding out what is going to happen to the
society that they and their children are going to have
to live in?

Capp: No, I donTt at all. If theyTre interested in
a democratic society"and certainly an organization
that calls itself Students for a Democratic Society,
by the very title they give themselves, are those that

are passionately interested in a democratic society.

When a group like that, in order to show its dissent
with Defense Secretary McNamara, even though he
is a member of a despised minority group"the Presi-
dentTs cabinet. When, in order to show their dissent
with his ideas; they stop his car coming out of a hall
at Harvard, pull him out of it, and according to the
newsreel shots which I showed on a television shew
I did in Boston, threatened him with the poles on
which their placards were nailed. Finally, the Cam-
bridge police arrived and escorted Secretary Mc-
Namara to physical safety through a cellar of a
Harvard building. Now, if those students are inter-
ested in"if those are students for a democratic so-
ciety, then so are Horse Webble, Young Nazis, in the
early days of Hitler, and MaoTs Red Guards last week.

The very same bunch, Students for a Democratic
Society, at Harvard, just a couple of weeks ago im-
prisoned the Dow Chemical guy in a building for six
hours. Just deprived him of his liberty, deprived him
of his freedom of speech, deprived him of his free-
dom of movement. If that is the kind of democratic
society theyTre interested in, ITm... I think theyTre
the same sort of rebel as, letTs say, Benedict Arnold.

What about the draft card burners?

Capp: Well,.I think the punishment should suit
the crime. If they burn their draft cards, their folks
ought. to burn their allowance checks.

We live in a time when unemployment and poverty
are increasing.

Capp: Yes ... unemployment increases as the
Poverty Program increases. I mean the best racket
to go in to today is being a pauper.

Well, should we question modern day solutions?
Mass government intervention? The age of cyberna-
fs

Capp: Now, wait a minute. Here, say that all
very slowly. I mean this is a quote from Arnold
Toynbee and heTs very difficult to read.

We live in a time when unemployment and poverty
are increasing, a time of ....

Capp: That sounds like the beginning of a speech
by Senator Percy.

Well, let me ask you"what do you think of
Marshal McLuhan?

Capp: I love McLuhan . . . McLuhan, an earlier?

book of McLuhanTs called The Mechanical Bride, be-
cause in that he spent oh, several score pages adoring
me. Now I havenTt read the new one, oUnderstanding
Media? because people have told me that he doesnTt
adore me anymore....

Have you looked at his oThe Medium is The Mes-
sage??

Capp: Certainly not! You know thatTs like asking
a guy who has always come in in the first five in the
Grand Prix race to read this book on how to drive an
automobile.

How do you think the South has changed since
you were here last? : :

Capp: The South no longer believes the rumors
coming from the East that its lazy, impotent, lacks
industry and brains. They donTt believe it anymore.
And theyTre being themselves. This is a stimulating
part of the world. It has energy. It has ideas....
ThereTs something you have here that we donTt have.
Especially students have it, and thatTs manners. The
South is a very pleasant place.







A more relaxed place ....

Capp: Well not relaxed to the point of sleeping
through the century. You donTt believe youTre relaxed
to the point of collapse anymore. The South just
doesnTt believe it. And I must say Southern dramatists
and poets and literary men contributed to the inertia
of the South by constantly writing about the decad-
ence of the South physically and the degeneration of
the Southern spirit.

People see plays in New York about the poor, poor
South and come down here and find a lot of energetic
and industrious people who just hadnTt seen those
plays. If they could have afforded to go to New York
and see those plays about how broken down they
were, it might have taken the spirit right out of
them.

Several Negroes on campus formed a Grievance
Committee.. One of the main things on their bill is
to ban oDixie? at football games.

Capp: Is Dixie an offensive song to the Negroes?

Apparently so.

Capp: Then, yes. I would go along with them. For
example, where did your husband serve in the Peace
Corps? .

In India.

Capp: ITm sure when he was there he found out
something about the absurd and possibly amusing
and inexplicable customs of the natives. And ITm sure
he abided by them, although he may not have agreed
with them. I think we owe it to any group of Ameri-
cans ... to abide by the peculiarities and passions
that are their traditional attitudes.

If Dixie is more offensive to the Negro than it is
important to the Southern white, then I think its
good manners to sing some other song. Now, I donTt
know how important it is to the Southern white.

Its more or less just a right song at football
games. People really get a big kick out of hearing it
played. I donTt think it has anything to do with the
Civil War, as much as it does with Southern national-
ism. It really hasnTt made any difference to the South-
ern white, until now that it has been made an issue.

Capp: Its one of those tragic and foolish and irri-
tating by-products of the whole civil rights movement.
The Negro has become hyper-sensitive. And, I think
the Negro should be given equality and not one damn
thing more.

Since weTre the majority, and since we do have
a history of rather casual treatment of the Negro,
that we can, without losing any dignity or anything
precious in our lives, be more than simply courteous.

I guess what a lot of us donTt understand is the
fact that the Greenville schools here and a lot of the
doctors and dentistsT offices, and restaurants are still
segregated. Yet, the Negroes on campus donTt want
to do anything about that. They want to pick on some
of these smaller issues.

Capp: Well, I guess they should be the final judges
of what it is that they object to. I would agree with
you, that the right to dine with oneTs neighbors, and
the right to patronize public places along with oneTs
neighbors is a vastly more important right. But it
may be that all rights are important.

I donTt think that the banning of Dixie is a right.
I think it is a courtesy that can be extended to them,
if its not too vital a part of Southern values of life.

What do you think of your view here at the
Holiday Inn? |

Capp: The view from here looks like New Jersey,
which is the most unflattering thing you can say
about North Carolina. But, this is not your best view.
There are other views. The view when I turn around
and look at you people is vastly improved.

Did you by chance have anything to do with setting
in trend the mini-skirt revolution?

Capp: Oh, I invented the mini-skirt long before
_... The first mini-skirts appeared on Daisy Mae in
the middle 1930Ts. And, at that time, I was denounced
as a pornographer. Now, if I introduced it today, I
would be called an innovator.

When you consider televisionTs awesome power
to educate, arenTt you glad it doesnTt?

Capp: It doesnTt educate? Why, of course, it does.
Television educates this country, certainly not college.
I mean, the effect of college is minimal. The effect
of television is universal. Its enormous. The few years
the average American spends in college leaves him
no impression at all compared to the enormous, daily,
relentless impact of television . . .. WeTve got a
Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, John
Gardner. HeTs nothing. The guys who are really im-
portant are the heads of the three networks. They
are our chief educators. We are what they will make
us.

What do you think of the Carnegie and Ford Foun-
dation programs to try and get a nationwide educa-
tional network?

Capp: ITve seen educational television and my re-
action to it is that"commercial television when its
bad is bad because they canTt help it. The sponsors in-
sist on it. Educational television is bad because it
chooses to be. Educational television, thus far, is the
cesspool of the rejects of commercial television, and
those that couldnTt possibly make it. Also, it does pro-
vide a gathering place for executives who couldnTt pass
physicals.

cara

Se

re

A lot of college students today feel like what
they are getting in the classroom is totally unrelated
to what is happening. For example, weTre studying
ancient Greek history while the Vietnam war is
raging. 3 3

Capp: I wonder. That was the theory of a man
named Henry Ford, who you recall said, oHistory is
bunk.? TTve the greatest respect for the model T,
FordTs old car. I prefer another view of history my-
self. I think that people are precisely the same from
millenium to millenium.

ITve just been reading a book by Noel Cramer on
a civilization, called the Sumerians, which preceded
everyone. We didnTt even know it existed. And this
enormous civilization did exist. We just dug it up
about fifty years ago... . There was a tablet re-
counting the history of a student, why he might have
been a student here. He was interested in what stu-
dents always are interested in"cutting classes, dames,
and fast chariots.

Now, he could have checked in here and not been
noticeably different from any other student. So, that,
~ history is not so much the history of events, but the
history of people. People being themselves. And I
think its very useful to study history. All history is
relevant to whatTs happening.

Do you think the government, the people who run
things, learn anything from history?

Capp: Do I think so? They have improved. I do.
I really do. WeTve got an enormous amount of room
for further improvement. But I do think so. At this
point you may not, but out of the whole I do think
theyTve improved. I think the way the government
runs things is unforgivable . .. But theyTre way
ahead of the way they used to be. They used to be
unbearable.

Let me interject here. I always feel a little em-
barrassed about criticizing government. Because gov-
ernment is me and its all of you and its everybody
else and weTre apt to treat government or abuse
government as though it were somebody else. It isnTt.
Its the common will of the people, and if its stupid
you must consider its source.

What do you think about hippies? 3

Capp: Oh, I try not to. Its a movement that really
has quite vanished, I think. Its lost all its excitement.
Its another arm of the Moffia, I think. Certainly, the
_ Moffia is the greatest dope peddling organization in
the world. There was one market they couldnTt crack.
And that was the high school kid and college student
market. And they created hippies to crack that market
for narcotics. But they donTt need the hippies any-
more because kids are selling dope to each other now.

So, if it comes as a surprise to you that I think the

Moffia is running the whole hippie movement, re-
member how surprised everyone else was when it

was revealed the CIA was running all these other

groups of starry-eyed young people.
I sort of get the idea that you donTt really like
rebels that much.

Capp: I do indeed . . . . I like rebels who have
something to offer to take the place of what they are
so eager to destroy. I donTt want anyone to cart my
automobile off to a junkyard unless he can replace
it with a better one.

What do you usually say to the idealist who is

more concerned with changing the environment heTs
living In...

Capp: Which idealist am I talking to?

What do you say to me? I could really care that
say tomorrow ITm going to have a nice home and a
nice car and a very comfortable position. ITm dissatis-
fied with some of the things that are happening now.
ITm dissatisfied with the fact that I can walk across
campus and feel like thereTs a total void there"that
nothing is happening.

Capp: Nothing is happening where?

Say, on campus. Its like sometimes ITm walking
around in a void and nobody seems to care that noth-
ing is happening. Nobody seems to care that pro-
fessors ....

Capp: How can you tell that they donTt seem to
care? They seem gay? Carefree?

They just donTt even seem to be aware. There are
so many little subtle things.

Capp: I promise you that if I walked across your
campus and I gathered ten people, all walking alone,
each one of them would tell me the other nine donTt
seem to be giving a good damn about whatTs happen-
ing. Only I am aware. And, you know, they would all
be right.

No, I do think that this feeling of lonely splendor
you have is shared by everyone you scorn.

It is a pretty hung-up feeling sometimes.

Capp: Certainly, and donTt forget that the one you
are looking at with such pity and contempt has that
feeling about you.

Do you think your comic strips have any influence
on a national policy level?

Capp: Why, certainly, they do. They tax hundreds
of thousands of dollars away from me every year"
if that hasnTt effected the national policy ITd like to

know what ITm working for.

That wasnTt exactly what I had in mind.

Capp: Yes. I think that ITm read terribly enough
in Washington so that..... they open it and say,
~J wonder what that bastard is saying today.T

12

In the interview in the December, 1965 PLAYBOY
you described LTil Abner and the rest of the people as
~ignorant.T And, that this is what makes them so
charming. Why do you think Americans follow so
closely the activities of Dogpatch?

Capp: I think one reason is that no matter how
stupid anybody has been all day, he can open the
paper, look at LTil Abner and feel superior to them.
TheyTve been even more stupid.

Who is your favorite character in LTil Abner?

Capp: Oh, it changes from time to time. I think
over the years the character that I feel warmest
about is one that really doesnTt exist, and thatTs Gen-
eral Jubilation T. Cornpone. I just love him. I just
love everything he stands for .... and ITm glad to
know heTs now president of France.

My favorite Character has always hae Mamie
Yokum. SheTs always been so true.

Capp: Well, thatTs right. She combines all the best
qualities of Doris Day and Benito Mussolini.

What about this crises weTre in right now with
the U. S. S. Pueblo?

Capp: I donTt know what one does. I donTt know.
You know weTre in the position of a six foot three
guy being ripped in the ankles by a little puppy. Now
with one kick he could kill the puppy. But a guy who
is that big doesnTt kick a puppy. But can a puppy bite
the ankle of a guy that big? YouTre damn right he
can. Now that is the perplexing problem we are now
in.

Help Stamp out
Quicksand !

It seems to me like weTre so powerful and so big
and so involved all over the world that every little guy
that comes along has got to pick a fight with the big
guy. .

Capp: ThatTs true. ThereTs very little point in
being the strongest nation in the world if on campuses
and in lecture halls and in respected editorial offices,
there are a whole bunch of muckheads who regard
strength as something shameful, power as something
we donTt deserve, physical well-being as something we

- shouldnTt have earned. And, insist that we remain as

impotent as our tiniest tormentors.

What is your idea of why we went to Russia to

ask their help?
Capp: I think the Pueblo case may have been
such a clear case of piracy that we felt that we

could even ask the Russians to judge it and come.

out ahead. That they couldnTt possibly make any
judgment against us.
naiveté. Any bunch that will get up in the U. N. and
denounce the Israelites for having terrorized and in-
vaded the Arab nations, can do anything.

What do you think of the federal minimum guar-
anteed: annual income of $3,000 which is being pro-
posed?

Capp: I hope it goes through, then nobody will
have to work. Now, where this income will come
from is the next detail to figure out. But, I think that
any non-productive, non-willing American deserves to
live as well as any American who has some dignity

and is useful. And on that platform Bobby Kennedy |

will run for President.

I donTt think that just because you wonTt work
and you insist on having children, . that you
must be denied all the luxuries of life. Certainly not.
The unnecessary and burdensome should be given
vastly better treatment than they are, by the way.

In New York, you know, theyTve now discovered
something about the welfare law. And that is any
welfare recipient who storms in the welfare office"
and, by the way, any welfare recipient who can walk
to a welfare office should get the hell off welfare and
get to work, because there are plenty of jobs"any
welfare recipient who comes to the welfare office and
says he has lost his welfare check, or that it has been
stolen from him, is not asked any further questions.
HeTs given ~another check. Now, thatTs true. And the
losses of welfare checks have been astronomical. Now
if any guy works for a living and loses his check
can you imagine him coming to his employer and say-
ing give me another weekTs pay, I lost that one. He,
as a useful citizen, doesnTt have that right at all.
But if youTre useless, and fruitful, you have unlimited
checks and unlimited rights. Anybody who isnTt a
pauper today is missing the only road to solvency.

Who do you think the Republicans will run for
President?

Capp: I thought they were going to run Reagan,
but he lost a lot of support by his clumsy handling of
that homosexual thing in California"They can lose
again, with dignity, with Nixon. They may well win
with Rockefeller. I donTt know ... I really donTt
think so. I think for all this mess weTre in and for all
the criticism of Lyndon Johnson, when the chips are
down he knows what the job is and heTs a tough man.

I think it showed a great |

It seems the U. S. is losing so much prestige.
Capp: Oh, nuts to prestige. I tell you that having

lived abroad, traveled all over the world, I donTt give ,

a damn what other countries think about us. I really
donTt. It doesnTt mean anything. Let sci worry
about what we think of them.

Did you see the Republican State of the oDis-
union? Message on television?

Capp: State of the oDisunion?? That sounds like "
Everett Dirksen humor. It isnTt funny but its boring.

They had to give the Republicans equal time on
television, because Johnson had the State of the
Union message on television. So, the Republicans de-
cided to do a state of the odisunion? message. Of
course, they had all kinds of solutions. They just
didnTt tell you about them.

Capp: Well I think weTre going through a classic
campaign. You know, whatever the party in is doing
is dead wrong.

Do you think Governor Wallace will run for
President?

Capp: Oh, I donTt think there is any way he can
be stopped. Certainly, Lyndon Johnson wonTt try to
stop him. I shouldnTt be surprised if the CIA is
financing his campaign as the best way to beat the "
Republicans.

What is your opinion of Wallace?

Capp: He speaks for about a third of America.
I have the greatest respect for Wallace as a regional
voice. And in his region"and, by the way, in Cali-
fornia too and other places"but, in his area his is
the voice of honesty and truth. It may not be the
honesty and truth and the will of the rest of the
country. I donTt think it is. He speaks for his people
and he speaks with guts and very effectively. You can
not dismiss George Wallace as something out of a
comic strip. George Wallace is a twentieth century
man, and heTs speaking twentieth century language ,
and he has twentieth century ideas.

People made fun of his wife being governor...

Capp: You know, the people who made the most
fun of her unfitness to be governor are those who
applauded the appointment of a guy who had never
tried a law case in his life as Attorney General of
the United States. 7

Are you really the irritable person that you say
you try to be?

Capp: No, I feel that ITm very genial and kind
and tolerant, except for stupidity. ,

In the end of the Playboy interview, the inter-
viewer asked your formula for a happy life. You said
a certain degree of irritability mixed with honesty ...

Capp: Yes, yes, itTs the same. I think that itTs the
same formula for a happy life"the meter of Paul

. only, on the other hand, Paul isnTt In my class,
in my chronological class.

Is that to say that youTre happy?

Capp: Yes, I think that part of being happy is to
blow off when you want to. Let yourself blow off when
you feel like it, when youTre rich enough. :

Or poor enough?

Capp: ThatTs right. People who have nothing to
lose, then you can say anything you choose to say.
Or if youTre rich enough, so that you couldnTt give a
damn. So it doesnTt matter what you do to your career
by speaking the truth. Then you can afford to. ItTs
the guy on the way up or down who has to shut up.

Or the politician?

Capp: HeTs on his way down. HeTs a man who can
find nothing useful to do.

Why do we like potiticians so much?

Capp: Oh, I donTt think we do. I think we loathe
them. I think any kid who says opop, when I grow "
up, I want to run for public office,T would break his
parentTs heart. If he said, oMama, when I grow up,
I want to stick up banks or go into the white slavery
DUSIMCBE.. 225 Ac I think his folks might feel he had
a future or at least would have some respect. Politics
just seems to be... although lately I must say that
we're getting the gentleman politician, the dilitante
politician. A man who doesnTt have to steal because
his father has done all his stealing for him. And he
is above corruption. And enters politics as a kind of
amusing public service. And I think that from these
men we get our very best public servants. Because

- thereTs nothing you can corrupt them with"you canTt

corrupt them with money, at any rate. Power, how-
ever, is something that gets some compromise.

United We Stand -

Devided We Fall

MAIDENFORM

ee of

QUICK, COURTEOUS SERVICE,

What do you think about the young people here at
East Carolina? Have you heard some of the taped
discussions?

Capp: Yes, I have. I think you're .... youTve
solved it. You know how to appear to be well-man-
nered and well-behaved. What youTre really like"I
shudder to think. But at any rate you give the appear-
ance of well-bred young people and really this is the
most important thing.

Have you heard anything about the eleven p.m.
curfews?

Capp: Yes, I have. I donTt know how anyone...
I think itTs too long. How can two East Carolina
students talk to each other until eleven? ItTs just
unbearable. I think it should be shortened.

What you have to do is get married, really, if
you want to talk any longer than eleven.

Capp: Now thatTs the last desperate solution. ITm
ashamed of any group that canTt accomplish by eleven
what you feel you can accomplish by two a.m. You're
just going to have to speed it up a little.

Last night all girls were handed out. sheets that
asked what sort of curfews we desired...

Capp: Really the eleven oTclock is extensive. It.

really is. I think the problem wonTt be solved if you
get your curfew lifted until two a.m. ItTs those extra
three hours you donTt know what the hell to do with.

But if it is a fixed rule and you donTt like it, but

the administration does and those who support this _

school, those who pay their taxes, want that curfew,
then you have a choice of either going along with it
or finding another school. But I think the decision
should not be made by the students until they grow
up, pay their taxes, and support the university. Mean-

while the store should be run by the people who own

it. No matter how unpleasant that may seem to you.
But I think students have only the right to attend the
university . . . which is paid for by other people, or
they have the right to enter a storeT which is owned
by other people.

What about the idea the shopkeepers used to have
that they teld their clerks, ~no matter what the. cus-
tomer does heTs always right.T

Capp: You mean that you regard yourselves as
the customers of the university. You are the products
the university manufactures really, to then offer to
society. The customers of the university are those that
must work all year to maintain it. They are the ones
who are paying for the university. They are the cus-
tomers of the university, and they are right.

Even though some of us work all year to pay
that sum. |

JUST WEAR A SMILE
Requirements for the W.R.C!

AND NECK TO ANKLE GIRDLE
AND A TEFLON CHASTITY BELT

AND ATHETIE SOCKS...
AND AN OVERCOAT...

DonTt you think most of the people today that
talk so much about freedom really donTt know what
it means?

Capp: Well, I think that most of the yapping about
freedom is the freedom to deny other people their
freedom. They forget .... for instance, the free-
GON. abe se the American Civil Liberties Union has
gone to the defense of fifty boys who have been fired
out of the school because they broke the rules of
dress of the school and wore their hair to their
shoulders. Now, would those kids permit such freedom
of dress as their mothers going topless or the police
wearing earrings. TheyTd be horrified. TheyTd feel the
whole damn community was messed Baie Se Nurses
wearing mini-skirts up to their navels .... Would
they permit such freedom? Certainly not!

It would be more charming.

Capp: I think it would help the patient, give
them a lift. But there, in these schools, there are
dozens who insist students should not conform to
certain rules. A school is a place where young people
are prepared for society, and society damn well does
have rules. And if a kid has gone through four years
of making his own rules, refusing to conform"he
comes out of school unfit for society, and one who
will be rejected by society.

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Capp: Then what you do is take your business to
another store. I think you should make your wishes
known. I think if you donTt like the way a store is
run and yet the store is convenient and you like it,
then you have a long talk with the storekeeper. Or
you buy him out. And you can all buy him out twenty
years from now when you are all paying taxes and
you say, owell no other generation of kids is going
to be made to suffer by us as we suffered.?

What do you use freedom for?

Capp: What do I use freedom for? Freedom
comes when you have nothing to lose or nothing espe-
cially more than you need to gain. Freedom to help
in your own irritating way the people you care to
help. Freedom to just enjoy being alive. I use it for
all sorts of things.

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Once in society, once obeying them, he can change
them. But while heTs preparing to go in heTd damn
well better learn to obey the rules before he changes
them. !

So anyone going around screaming and carrying
signs is not going to get people to change them?

Capp: Oh, yes! One of the rules is you can go
around screaming and displaying signs. ThatTs another
rule. And none of these conflict with each other.

But there is a steady evolution from generation
to generation.

~Capp: Oh, yes, of course, of course. People of
twenty who have patience with people over forty
because they are not young people are making a great
mistake. Any man over forty is a nineteen-year-old
with twenty-one years more experience, but heTs still
that same nineteen-year-old.

ItTs not so much we donTt like people over forty.
A lot of this youTre told from childhood on"forced
dope. And suddenly one day you start asking your-
self Why? Why shouldnTt I play with the kid over
there? Just little things build up. Especially in the
past four years"particularly the Free Speech Move-
ment at Berkely brought it out.

Capp: The Filthy Speech Movement.

ITve watched two or three demonstrations. Col-
lege kids out there marching really believe in what
theyTre saying. Maybe thatTs the only way they can
say it. ItTs really funny when you watch the spec-
tators with their cameras clicking back and forth.
ItTs ironic that the spectators are yelling, and talk
about filthy speech . .

SGA, COMMITTEES FOR ACTION.

WE

HAVE PEOPLE WORKING IN GROUPS

TO STUDY WAYS TO IMRPOVE OUR
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MENT, SO WE MAY SERVE YOU "
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pees: Well, donTt you give the spectators the same
right as the demonstrators?

Yes, itTs really funny they condemn a. bunch of
peaceniks for the same thing that they are doing.

Capp: And so, two other peaceniks can condemn
them. ThatTs the game. ItTs a game anybody can
get into. DonTt try and change it. ThatTs the fun of
the game. Anyone can get in. And, thus far, its been
very unchic to say anything for the spectators. ThatTs
what I like to say, that they, too, have rights.

(Lock all the doors, someone has stolen my
cigarettes. )

We understood you wouldnTt go to see our college
president. Someone suggested you talk to him.

Capp: Why?

That was it.

Capp: Well, why not? ITll talk to anybody. Even
a college president .... Well, its been great fun, it
waked me up.

Interviewer: It waked us up, too.

See You =f Greenville

THWEET SHOP

WHERE ALL THE FELLAS
MEET AFTER CLASS.

13

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14

eee

Seyplelioa tn a Whtifuol

by Irvin Prescott

The solitary figure moved at a leisurely pace
through the swirling mists. He was in a dream, or
death, and it did not matter to him. He knew that
he must keep advancing, but he did not know what he
was proceeding toward. He felt neither fear nor ap-
prehension and kept his leisurely, complacent stride
as if he were walking in the country on a dusky sum-
mer day. Enveloped by the mists, he did not know
what type of terrain he was walking upon, but it felt
solid, and he could walk straight so he paid little
attention to it. He walked with a sure footing and
did not grope nor stagger through the thick mist. The
temperature was there; it was neither hot nor cold.
It was dark, yet it was not dark.

Suddenly he saw in the distance a brightness
which looked like the sustained beauty of a lightning
flash. He felt his heart beat faster, felt perspiration
break out on his forehead. Pure animal excitement
gripped him; his leisurely pace quickened into a hur-
ried ~stride, and then developed into a run. He ran
faster now, ever faster to that bright, beautiful, hor-
rible glow in the mist. The vaporous haze began to

thin, and he noticed it was rising upward as if it were |

steam. He suddenly stopped and looked around, be-
coming aware for the first time of the deafening
silence. He felt no fear, he just became excited and
filled with anticipation because the brilliant glow was
just a very short distance in front of him. He began
to walk forward now, slowly making his way toward
the glow, which now became not just a glow but a
swirling mass of brightly illuminated water. oThe
hell with timidness,? the man said, and he walked
the few more yards he needed to fully see it. He was
now on the brink of it. There it was before him, the
beautiful, but treacherous, funnel into the unknown.

What is down there, he thought as he stood at
the edge of the whirlpool, peering into his unexplored
recesses. He began to descend into the malstrom,
knowing it was to happen this way, as if a part of
a master plan. Once below the rim of the water, the
currrent carried him downward in everdiminishing
circles.

He reached the bottom and found himself once
again on solid footing. He looked above him and saw
the whirlpool eddying around, but the turbulence and
the violence of the whirlpool were now very distant
to him. The bottom was a place of relative calm. It
was extremely bright and the brilliant white-light at
first irritated his eyes. It was as if the brightness was
~ereated from the center of the sun"its shimmering
rays of brilliance illuminating the vortex of water
to its darkest region.

To anyone whose destiny provided for him to enter
into a region never before seen by mortal man, the
natural question would be oWhy me?? This man did
not wonder why he was projected into this surrealis-
tic place of unreality, it was of second importance
to him. He was interested in only the form, shape, and
brilliance of the whirlpool in which he was an alien
part.

oWorthless!? he cried indignantly.

oFoolish human,? rebuked a voice.

Suddenly the human felt an uncertainty in him-

self and became frightened because the voice seemed

to come from no point of origin; it was just there.
| oWho are you?? cried the little human.
~Who or what do you want-me to be?? asked the
voice. oShall I be your conscience or your absence from

it; your creator or your creation; your heaven or your

hell? It is up to you as to what I am or who I am;
whether I am reality or fantasy.?

It was now time to ask the question which seemed
so unimportant before, oWhy me? Why am I here??

oOh come now, you are not that ignorant or un-"

imaginative. You are a creative man, a man who
should be able to see things in the abstract, a man
who should be aware of symbolism in every aspect.?

oWhat do you mean"symbolism, abstract??
shouted the man. oAm I insane? ITm in the bottom of
a whirlpool and ITm supposed to think about abstract-
ness, symbolism? ITm talking to a voice that perme-
ates the very substance ITm breathing and ITm supposed
to understand it??

The voice replied, oYou foolish little man, you bore
me with your apparent stupidity. You create worlds
like this; are they shallow, meant only to appeal to
a personTs sense? Must I make it easy for you??

The human stood in amazement of the rebuke. He
started to speak, but for once found himself speech-
less, and ended by only emitting a grunting noise that
seemed to be a mixture of frustration and confusion.

oSince you are going to stand there like an im-
hecile,
your presence is wasting my time.?

16

I shall tell you why you are here"because.

The man looked up angrily and shouted, oITm wast-
ing your time? What about my time? Dammit I donTt
have time to be in a place that doesnTt exist. Yes,
tell me so I can get back to my own world or. my
own sanity.?

oThat you are here for one reason,? answered the
voice, oand that is to show you that there is beauty in
something as treacherous and dangerous as a whirl-
pool; that all things, including life, need not be hor-
rible and without meaning, except for death and
misery.?

oBut that is all there is to life. The end of life
brings death and death brings misery,? angrily re-

_torted the man.

oBut how do you know that you are not dead??
asked the voice.

oBecause I feel no real misery: I feel no horror;
and I feel no fear,? he answered.

oWhy did you say ~worthlessT to this whirlpool??
asked the voice.

oBecause it shows only beauty. No fear came into
me as I was descending into this world; no fear came
until you spoke. What good is beauty in something as
deadly and treacherous as a whirlpool? How can I
use it? Why isnTt it black and horrible as I imagined
it would be inside, instead of this brilliant, beautiful
place?? he asked.

oWhy canTt a place of sure death be beautiful??
questioned the voice.

oBecause death is horrible. The only beauty in
death is the horror of it.?

oYou said ~worthlessT to this whirlpool,? replied
the voice. oYou see no beauty in it: you only see
beauty in the horrors of death. I say to you that your
mind and talent are indeed worthless. Now go back into
that world of your own. I cannot change your outlook.
I can only hope you see it before it is too late...

The writer arose either from drunken stupor or
deep sleep, shook his head and tried to think where
he was. His cluttered room soon became an image
on his brain. .

oIt was all a dream,? he muttered to himself. oI
am alive. To descend into a whirlpool!? He laughed
to himself.

But then he saw in his mind another story for his |

readers. ~oMaybe this dream was worthwhile after all,?
he muttered to himself.

He walked over to a desk and put a title on a
page. oNo,? he said to himself, ~o~A Descent into a
WhirlpoolT will never do. What is the name of that
whirlpool off the coast of Norway? Ah, yes.?

The hands were in haste as they wrote across the
new page the title of another masterpiece of horror.

The ideas were in his nead, the setbits the mood, -

everything .

The Mors was finished now and the writer was
relaxed, happy, content. The manuscript lay on the
table; the tale had the title: oA Descent into the
Maelstrom.?

Foolish, worthless human.

+S eons

Alas, to thee, O forlorn Spirit!
That from Hades, or pretty much near it,
Dost pourest out a constant tone,
In profuse strains of varyinT moan.
Thou springest higher, and still much higher
From some city dump that caught on fire
The blackest deep thou wingest,
And cussing still dost soar, and soaring ever cussest.
The distant sun in golden lightening
Gives clouds of smog a certain brightening
And dost thou float and flee, :
Like a runaway slave with no destiny.
Gray, as are the fumes of factories,
Whose smeltering smells spell profuse tears
Til we hardly see, we feel it is there,
In sooty skies that were once fair.
And like a drunkard hidden
Groans words forbidden"
Four-lettered language
Caused by much anguish
Teach us Bird, what vile thoughts are thine
NeTer I heard praise of hate or wine
That panted forth a flood of rapture so undivine
That set my mind to think his fate as mine
What objects are the cesspools of thy unhappy strain?
What polluted rain?
What exhaust-ridden lane?
What hate of thy own kind? What clseinee of pain?
Teach me half the madness that thy brain must know,
Such lamenting sadness from my lips would flow,
Folks on the street who think thee so foul,
Should listen then, as I listen now. |
oWest? Purdy

Faustian Monks sit on their bunks
smoking opium pipes

While Hippies and Trippes dance on rainbows
deceived by glimmering glows.

They see the place good, and drawing a breath,
descend to unholy sites |

Strange regions, as Elyseum Fields, soon fill their
smoke-ringed minds.

And beautiful maids, with raven black hair tinted blue -

from diamond skies

Twisting from foreign scents turn as Proteus rods
to flies

And the surrounding haven by smoke and fire turn to

Ashes as does the minds |
oWest? Purdy

Ode To A/flsifaial| Urn

Oh, to think from a lifeless lump
Of clay I came, with little
Help from the potters hand,
Moulded me,
Baked me,
Fried me,
Dried me,
Glazed me,
Sold me,
To a fated lover of art, me,
THE urn, set upon my pedestal
In the hallway, center of attraction.
It was well worth my tormented
Years of creation.
That damn snot nosed kid
Pick up, the pieces, Momma!
Sid Morris

Ode ToA
City Pigeon

The Human Beings of the Earth will
present a Neo-Realistic Comedy tomorrow
morning and every morning M thru F
on the corner of Apathy Street
and Ignorance Lane, next to the
Factories. This comedy, called
oPeople Going To Work? has just come
from Broadway. Curtain goes up at 7"
comes down at a Siess 44s es
oHillarious .

Nee York Times
oNauseatingly funny...

Chicago Tribune
es of the best sick-humor comedies I seen...

Anonymous man
Jon Douglas Sykes

9?

Voltaire
Rides Again

George Finneyman is seen, sitting at a desk in
the Lost Angels Californiacation Court House.

oYes, here we are again, ladies, with the program
which is designed to help curb the alarming rate of
divorces in America today. But before we hear that
wizzard of Jurisprudence, Justice Voltaire Perkins,
we will have a short message from our sponsor,
Smellygood Soap.?

Short, fat, schitzophrenic, little elf comes onto
the scene with a large bundle of laundry and is seen
entering an elevator. Inside the elevator is the pro-
verbial buxom, blonde, broad, who is also carrying
a large bundle of laundry. Schizo sees Broadie and
notices that she is using the exact same kind of bleach
that he is using.

oIsnTt that a coincidence? We both use Dingy-
Away bleach!? says Schizo.

_ oWell, what about it?? replies Broadie (who at
this point is chewing away at a piece of chewing gum
like a cow chewing cud.) ~

Schizo says, oWell, I was just wondering why
your clothes look so much whiter than mine do...
and they smell so fresh!?

oWell, lambie pie, that might be because I bathe
every once in a while.? Lambie-pie turns beet-red
and nearly collapses on the floor.

Schizo, oWell, thats not exactly what I had in
mind. What detergent do you use??

oWhatTs it to ya?? says Broadie. oSome God
(eensoredt a9 ..iieas. £5. agent ss 1 eo, Le
detergent called Smellygood wah chartreuse crystals.?

Schizo, oReally, well, you know that Smellygood
soap has a new aril which has been uncondi-
tionally proven to be the.. .?

oWill you shut the hell up buddy!? replies Broadie.
oIf I wanted an advertisement for the blame stuff,
ITd turn on that ridiculous divorce show .. .? Finney-
man immediately interrupts, quite flustered:

oYes folks, you have just witnessed an unsolicited
testimonial about how N. 8S. G. S. Detergent has in-
fluenced the household duties of another smart house-
wife. And now, for todayTs exciting chapter in Divorce
Court...? ALL RIZE AND SHINE!

OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ, Judge Voltaire
OE SPR Ms vedi i eh Ss prambe jumbo faites

over this court.

You may be seated.

Finneyman again:

oToday, folks, we have the tragic face of Elmer
Cheatabit Futtigut, and his estranged wife Sally
CaughtTematit Futtigut, who after fifty years of
happy marriage have found it impossible to go on
living together. Mrs. Futtigut is filing for divorce on
the grounds of Mental Cruelty, testifying that for the
past three years, while she has been at the Rot-Tin
Lung Sanitorium, her husband has been carrying on
an affair with Miss Nikel A. Throe. Mr. Futtigut is
also filing for a divorce on the grounds of Mental
Cruelty, testifying that while his wife was in the
Rot-Tin Lung Sanitorium, she, too, was carrying on
an affair with Thomas A. Dultry, another patient at
Rot-Tin Lung. Now, as we hear the case, let us
meditate on just what it is that could cause a couple
of the Church like Elmer and Sally, to accuse each
other of such an unmentionable sin.? "

Voltaire slams down the hammer of justice to sym-
bolize that court is indeed in session. Accidentally,
the head of the mallet flys off and hits the bailiff on
the head, which sends him sprawling prostrate on
the courtroom floor.

Finneyman speaks:

oWhile the court-appointed physician cares for
the wounded bailif, we will have time for station iden-
tification.?

Booming voice roars over the speakers as a pea-
cock is interrupted from spreading his tail feathers
to the tune of harps. ..... oThis is Television
WKKK, the white spot on your dial .. . Channel 13,
in Brotherly Love, Nova Scotia.?

Finneyman: oNow, we will return to Lost Angels,
Californiacation where hopefully, court is now in
session.?

As the camera is once again focused on Voltaire
Perkins, he is again trying to call court into session.
This time he succeeds without fatalities. The attorney
for the defense was asked to rise to present his case
and for some strange reason, both of the lawyers
are a bit cloudy as to whom will be the defense, since
both of the parties have filed for divorce.

Finneyman: oWhile the lawyers confer as to whom
will be the defense, we will have time for a short
message from our sponsors. Excuse me! I mean we
will have a public service announcement.?

The Army chorus is heard in the wings singing
oIf youTre good enough to get in, then a proud new
future may be yours!? Announcer: oThatTs right fel-
lows, IF you are good enough to get in, then a
proud new future MAY be yours. Even if you

suffer from any of the following minor diseases, con-
sult your local recruiter for information about the
New Army Team. The diseases are: Cancer, Blind-
ness, Tuberculosis, Leukemia, Jungle Rot, Commu-
nism, or Hemophelia. If you have not contacted. any
of These diseases, contact us.?

Finneyman: ~oFinneyman again, here at the Lost
Angeles County Courthouse where it has been de-
cided that Mr. Futtigut is the defendant. After check-
ing court records, it was discovered that Mrs. Futti-
gut had filed for divorce at 3:23 p.m. on Monday,
January 24, and that Mr. Futtigut had not filed until
3:25 p.m. on the same day. Now lets watch the Prose-
cuting Attorney, Mr. Pretty Mason, in his attempt to
secure a divorce for his client, Mrs. Sally Caught-
Tematit Futtigut.?

oYour honor, you know, I actually feel as though
I am wasting my time on this obviously simple case.
My client, dear Mrs. Futtigut has had the strings
of her poor heart ripped by this cruel, mean, bad,
hateful, hideous, aggravating, but above all, un-
faithful man. While this dear, poor, crushed, sick, and
deceived woman was confined to the Rot-Tin Lung
Hospital, her husband was carrying on that most
sacred of all acts, the marital act, with another
woman. While this dear lady was fighting for her life,
her husband, was fighting for the affections of another
lady. Oh, woe is the world. Oh, woe is mankind. And
finally, when my client heard of her husbandTs shame-
ful action, she chose to remain in the confines of Rot-
Tin Lung Hospital, instead of returning to her home"
now a house of adultry. Yes, she chose the hospital
to her own home. Yes, she was uprooted from a happy
home because of her husband. Therefore, I ask that
this court grant her a divorce with alimony on the
grounds of mental cruel ... My God"your honor,
you'll have to excuse me, I have just read my recap
of the case"and I meant to read my evidence"hee,
hee, hee, ahrumph. Will Mrs. Sally Caughtematit
Futtigut please take the stand??

Finneyman: oWhile the newly appointed bailif
administers the oath to Mrs. Futtigut, bata will have
time for a short message from a sponsor.?

oOh! Mirian, where did you get that lovely crys-
tal??

oWell, Dora Belle, that be my little secret!?

oWell, I just must have some or perish! Mirian,

just how long. is it since you bought smellygoody

detergent ??

oWell, D. B. I just donTt know.?

oWell, Mirian, they are giving, I repeat giving
this facade erystal in each box of Smellygoody Soap.
And you know what? They have only hiked the ae
eight-seven cents per box!? ,

oWell, Dora Belle! (coldly), it will oe a cold day
in hell when I pay eighty-seven cents for a plastic
goblet and how dare you serve my drink in that
trash. By the way, did you even bother to wash the
glass when you took it out of the box"the head
on my beer tasted a little... .?

Finneyman again: oThatTs siguite the makers of
S. G. S., Lather Bros., are giving away this beautiful
crystal with each and every box of Smellygoody de-
tergent.

Here we are again back at the Bhat Angels County
Courthouse where we are about to hear the testimony
of Mrs. Sally C. Futtigut.?

Pretty Mason: oMrs. Futtigut, has ae been any
sickness in your family in past four or five years??

Sally: oYes, yes, yes.? (cough, cough, cough). oI
have been racked with the most excrucitiating pain and
have been confined to the Rot-Tin Lung Hospital for
the past four years with Tuberculosis.? Sally weeps
hysterically and tears her hair.

Pretty Mason: oAnd during this time, honey, would
you please tell the lovely ladies and gentlemen of the
jury just what that diabolical husband of yours was
up to??

Sally: oYes, dear, I will be glad to. That filthy
essence of swine was carrying on with that cheap

-hussy sitting on the fourth row of this courtroom.?

At this point, the attorney for the defense, Mr. Fuller
Tricke Shidt, leaps from his seat screaming, oI ob-
ject!? And, at this point, Justice Voltaire Perkins
(Volt, for short) slams the hammer of justice upon
his desk and screams, oShut up, uh I mean, uh, ob-
jection overruled.?
Pretty: Mason continues.

Pretty Mason: oAnd Mrs. Futtigut, it has been
charged by your husband that when you recovered,
you decided to remain in the sanitorium because you

-were carrying on with another patient, Mr. A. Dultry.

Would you care to comment on this accusation??

Sally: oYouTre (censored) right I would. Had it
not been for such a kind soul as my dear lambie pie
Mr. A. Dultry, I donTt think that I could have sur-
vived my hospitalization. Whenever my husband re-
fused to come to see me, Thomas was always there
to lift my spirits. We did become very close to each
other, however, but we were only buddies.?

At this point, Elmer Futtigut jumps from his seat
and: screams, oYea, judge, they were you might
call oBusom Buddies,? and you can take that literally.?

Upon hearing this, Volt jumps from his seat and
sereams at Elmer: oListen buddy, one more outburst
like that and you will get got for contempt of court.
Please continue, Pretty Mason.?

Pretty Mason: oYour Honor, I donTt feel that I
have anything else to offer. It seems to me that the
evidence is on the table. Elmer Futtigut is indeed
guilty of mental cruelty. The Prosecution rests its
case.?

Volt: oWell, does the defense have anything to
say??

Fuller Piicle Shidt: oWell, yes we do, your honor,
we did think that we would present our case.?

Volt: oWell, git to it.?

Fuller Tricke Shidt: oWell, I would like to summon
Mr. Elmer C. Futtigut to the stand, if you please.?

The bailif swears in Elmer.

Fuller: oMr. Futtigut, has there been any sickness
in your family in the past four or five years??

Elmer: oWell, actually there hasnTt but my wife
would like for you to think that there has been. You
see, she saw this fellow one day at the delicatessen
and, being the flirt that she is, she struck up a con-
suis bibh: with him. After some time, she found out
that he was in the Rot-Tin Lung Hospital. That is
when my wife decided that she had tuberculosis.
Without going to the doctor, my wife just up and de-
cided that she was going to have to be hospitalized.
One day when I came home from work I noticed after
several hours of quiet that there was something miss-
ing"Sally. I looked around the house for her and
suddenly I saw this note on the television set which
told me that she had committed herself. When I saw
this, I immediately got in the car and rode out to the
asylum, to see if she had committed herself. She.
wasnTt there. I remembered A. Dultry, and drove to
Rot-Tin Lung Hospital. When I got there, there she
was, sitting on the front porch of the hospital with
that snake-eyed Mr. Thomas A. Dultry. I asked her
if she was planning on staying for any length of time
and she told me that she thought that she would be
there at least a year. Upon hearing this, I begged
her to come on back home with me"not that I wanted
her to come home, mind you, I just didnTt want to
pay the fee for her ~hospitalizationT. Unfortunately,
my insurance company did not cover vacation trips
to hospitals for the wives of the insured, and I sure
as hell couldnTt afford to send Sally on a year-long
vacation. After a year passed, Sally was still at Rot-
tin Lung Hospital and she was not about to come
back home. So, there she stayed until a new adminis-
tration took over the hospital. When a real doctor
arrived, Sally was evicted and was therefore forced
to return to her home"without her inamoured
Thomas.?

Fuller: oMr. Futtigut, your wife has charged that
while she was in this ~hospitalT your affections turned
to a Miss Nikel A. Throe. Would you care to comment
on this. accusation ??

Want Extra Money
try our new

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17

Elmer: oNicky and I became friends several
months after my wife went on vacation. She was
moving into the apartment next to mine and I de-
cided that it would be gentlemanly of me if I were
to go over some night and offer her a drink or two.
So one night I dropped over and told her that I was
temporarily unmarried and that I would like for her
to come over and have a few drinks with me. Nicky
said that she had a couple more appointments to fill
that evening but after she finished she would come
over. She did come over in a couple of hours and
since it was late, Nicky had already changed into her
nightgown. Now that is where my wife got the idea
that something was amiss. A friend of my wife, Mrs.
Biz Z. Body, lives in the apartment across the hall
and she just happened to have her bloodhound nose
on the alert that night. She saw Nicky as she was
coming over for the drink and she immediately called
my wife at the hospital. Well, you see, Nicky had
had a few drinks before she came over and the ones
I fixed for her were fairly strong. In no time flat,
she had passed out, and I was forced to put her to
bed, and since I canTt sleep in any other bed (because
of my back problem) I had to sleep in the same bed,
too. Just while I was undressing to go to bed, this
whole damn army of my wifeTs relatives came
parading into my home and immediately thought, for
some strange reason, that I was being unfaithful.
Now, this was all that Sally needed to hear to have
an excuse to stay at the hospital for a couple more
years. Sally is loose upon the earth now, and of course
she is deeply in love with that repulsive little
SORE

Finneyman: oLadies and gentlemen!!! When Sally
heard what Elmer called her friend Mr. A. Dultry,
she lunged from her seat and began mercilessly to
beat the startled Elmer. Wait! Now, Miss Nikel A.
Throe and Mr. A. Dultry are at it. My God, folks, it
looks like the whole courtroom is going to be in this
fight!! From one side of the room, all of the
CaughtTematit clan, the brothers and sisters of Sally,
have begun to fight with the Cheatabits. It is sheer
pandemonium, folks! Ladies and gentlemen, the whole
courtroom is embroiled in this fight!!! All of the high
members: of the court, including the sheriff, are un-
conscious. Sally Futtigut sure has a powerful left-
right-left. Now the mob seems to be moving toward
the rear of the room towards the press box and
where our cameras are stationed. It looks as if there
is really going to be a...T BLAMMMMM,
BLAMMMMM, SPEW, RIP, FIZZLE!!!! 7

Silence.

oDue to difficulties in our remote control facilities,
we will not be able to bring you the conclusion of to-

dayTs exciting episode. We hope that you will join

us tomorrow at the same~ time to enjoy with us the
new and perhaps more relaxing program, ~Vietnam
In Perspective.T

For the outcome of todayTs story, you might check
the obituary column of the Lost Angels Daily Herald.
And now for a word from our :

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this monthTs sneak preview of the
current no. i1 non-fiction best-seller--

TheG@RBATION
OF sis Ty saat
y cs

In the beginning Lyndon created Texas and Wash-
ington. And Washington was without form and void;
and darkness was upon the faces of the creeps. And
the spirit of Lyndon moved upon the darkness. And
Lyndon said, oLet theah be uh guvTment in the miTst
oT Warshington, anT let it keep thT people divided,
or at lee-ust uh lil bit mad at each uhther.? And
Lyndon made the government, and divided the people
which were under the government, and the people
which were slightly above the government. And Lyn-
don called the government oMah ATministrayshun.??
And the evening and morning were the first day.

And Lyndon said, oLet theah be Congress?"and
it was so. And Lyndon say Congress, that it was His;
and Lyndon divided Congress; He divided the Demo-
crat from the Republican. And Lyndon called the
Democrat Pal, and the Republican He called God-
damned Extremist. After his own image called He
them. And the evening and the morning were the
second day. 3

Then Lyndon said, oLetTs go on ovuh tT? Texus foT
a minit.? And Lyndon went exceedingly fast (65 mph
in a 35 mph zone) to Texas. And He said, oLet theah
be ranches anT oyul wells on thT face oT Texas, anT
let theah be Johnson Cities abundant in thT lanT.? And
Texas brought forth ranches and oil wells yielding
profit and Johnson Cities multitudinous after His
name: and Lyndon looked about in Texas and saw

that it was fairly good considering, except for an

occasional putrid smell transversing the land.? And

Lyndon shrugged his great shoulders and said, ooWay-

uhbhll, ~Romper RoomT it ainTt.? And the evening and
the morning were the third day.

Then Lyndon said, oLet theah be Lobbyist i in Texus,
anT everT form of two-legged corruption; anT let
Texus brang fo-uth the huge-lunged politician aftuh
its own kinT, that it mite git e-lected to thT Senate.?
And it was so: Texas brought forth myriad usurpers,
reproducing their kind, and defecation-breathed poli-
ticians with exceeding pot-bellies. And Lyndon said,
oLet Texus. brang fo-uth fowl (but no doves,

_ puleeze).? And all manner of birds sprang forth:
~Lady Bird, Luci Bird, and Dean Rusk-Bird.* And

Lyndon looked about Him and wriggled His absurd
ears in happiness, saying, oNot bad, not bad a-tall!*
And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

And Lyndon. commanded, saying, oLet theah be
niggahs in this heah lan,T that Ah mite free Tem anT

show how hyoo-mane Ah am.? And there came from

the land manifold hordes of svelte, watusiing coons;
and they grew exceedingly fat from the welfare of the
land, and stunk exceedingly strong from the pitiful
atenebe of Right Guard.* And Lyndon fed them Mint
Julep® and gave to them the fruits of the land; and
they ate over much thereof and reproduced"and re-
produced"and reproduced.T And the evening and
morning were the fifth day.

And Lyndon: said, oLet theah be War, that we
mite defenT libuty, proteck peace, inshooer democracy®
anT all that trash.? And it was so: from the land
sprang War; and it flourished strong and escalated
mightily at His command. And the Selective Service

_ grew overmuch selective: from the college was driven

the student and from the land was driven away Money.

And Lyndon looked about and saw the War, that it
was good, and He issued forth the mighty Press Con-
ference, saying: oNow Ah likes the Vietnamese, donTt
git me wrong, but Ah wudnTt want mah sistuh tT
marry one.? And the evening and morning were ac-
tually the fifth day again, because of the Daylight
Saving Time Lyndon had to create in order to pay
for the War.

And on the last day Lyndon rested. He took about
Him a deluge of barbecue, and He slaked His thirst

with Coke (oCree-ation goes better with Coca- cola,

cree-ation goes better with Coke? ). And Lyndon called
About Him the sleek Southern belles and went
a-walking in his Society. And Lyndon saw His So-
ciety, that it was His, and he exclaimed mightily,
saying: oToday the world, tomorrow the whold
goddumn galaxy!? which meaneth, oYou can fool most
of the people most of the time.?

*In the original edition of The Holy Babble (1964
King Baines Version), the title was written oThe
Great Society?; however, it was changed in this
edition for reasons elaborated upon in oHow To Screw
Things Up Without You Even Half-Try,? by L. B.
Johnson (Apathy Press, 1965).

1This is from the Greek phrase meaning
bungle.?

2It seems that Lyndon left the creation of out-
houses to Man.

3Some texts here include, o. .. And Hershey-Bird.?
However, that addition seems to be only an attempt
at Jewish sarcasm.

*Which, in Johnsonese, means:
thought it was.?

~Some obsolete texts here include, o. . . And they
reekethed mightily of halitosis.? However, that addi-
tion has been discredited because its author was a
Klansman. See oThe Journal of Un-American Ac-
tivities,? January issue, 1380 B. C.

- SWhich was more Julep than Mint.

"A spokesman for the group, Mahtin Luthuh King)
explained this: oWell, dey ainT much else tT do, Baby,
when youse ainT goota wuk.?

SSome authorities suggest
Democrazy.

*Some texts add this passage:
the money weTd make.. .? 7
SUGGESTIONS FOR FURTHER READING

oInside Asia,T by Helppme Gettback Outagan
(Blunder & Sons, 1965).

oHow to Win Friends and Influence People,? by
General _Nguyen Cao. Ky (Bomm-Hann-Oy Press,
1966).

oTrailblazer,?
Ofv Press, 1966).

oWhy Infants Must Serve,T by General aa B.
Hershyerprotestin (Mo Menn & Associates, 1967).

oLetTs Unseat God in 68,? by L. B. Johnson (Amm,
Bishun & Company, 1965).

oThe EquestrianTs Guide to Apocalyptical Horses,?
by L. Johnson as told to John Public (Gull I. Bell
Press, 1966).

oThe Armed Services Condom Crisis of 1964,? by
Gonn O. Rheeah. (Weeneedum Press, 1965).

oto

oTtTs worse than I

that Lyndon is ,

oNot to mention all

by Ho Chi Min (Nok-Yur-Blok-

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Virginia Wuuh

Literary Discovery
_ of the year

Virginia Wuuh (1552-1587)"first female author
and poet, lived during the age of literary giants"
Wilbur Shakespeare, Christopher Meddlelowe, Ben
Jansen, and Edmund Salinger. Perphaps the biggest
literary discovery in the history of English literature,
little is known about her except that she lived with
Wilbur Shakespeare, as his mistress, for eleven years.
Many of WilburTs sonnets were dedicated to this lovely
woman. Virginia, at the order apparently of Shakes-
-peare, kept her self disguised as a male when they
were in public together. (Wilbur could not afford to
have his image as a love-starved loner crushed.)
Also, historians have revealed in recent studies that
Wilbur used many of VirginiaTs ideas for his plays.
He refused to let her publish any of her poetry or
either of the two plays she wrote. But, just recently
part of the original manuscript of one of the plays
was found in an old inn in Hops, England.

Virginia Wuuh met a tragic death. She committed
suicide with her fountain pen when she found WilburTs
affections were straying to other places, notably
across the street to ChristopherTs house.

It will probably be many years before all of Vir-
ginia WuuhTs works are recovered, but included here
is the second scene of Act II of her play, oRomeo
and Juliet.?

WhatTs Suave? It is nor SGA nor CU,
Nor ROTC, nor MRC, nor any other part
Belonging to a college man"save PiKA
O, be some other name!
WhatTs in a name? that which we call Pirate
By any other name would still play ball;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo callTd to PiKA,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy restraint
And for that which is no part of me
Take all myself.
Romeo: I take thee at thy word:
Even though thee may be stoned!
Juliet: What fink art thou that thus bescreeTd in
night
So staggered on my misery?
My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words
Even though my lips have drunk a hundred
vodkas,
Yet I know the sound,
Art thou not Romeo, and a PiKA man?
Romeo: Neither, dear Juliet, if either thee dislike
Juliet: How camest thou hither, tell me, and
wherefore?
The colonnade walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place perilous, considering who thou art,
If any of the hall proctors find thee here.
Romeo: Burning ambition has oTerleapt itself
And came to fall on the colonnade.
Therefore thy proctors are no let to me.

Juliet: If they do see thee, they will campus thee.
Romeo: Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye
Than in twenty of their slips; look thou but sweet,

And I am proof against their rules.
Juliet: I wonder not for the world they saw thee
here. 3
Romeo: I have money to hide me from the watch-
manTs sight;
And but thou love me, let them find me here:
My social life were better ended by their ban,
Or social probation, in wanting thy love.
Juliet: By whose direction foundsTt thou out the
watchman?
Romeo: By love, who first did prompt me to inquire
At the corner gas station
He lent me advice and I lent him ears.
I am no pilot; yet, were thou as far
As that vast distance to Darin Waters,
I would adventure for such merchandise.
Juliet: Thou knowest the mask of Clearasil is on
my face, ©
Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek
For that which thou hast heard me speak tonight.
Dost thou like me? And I know thou wilt say oyes?
And I will take thy word:
Or if thou thinksTt I am too easy won
ITll frown and date a Sigma Nu
So thou wilt woo; but else, not for the world.
In truth, dear Romeo, I am too fond of vodka
And therefore thou mayst think my Thaviour light:
But trust me, Romeo, ITll prove more true
Than any Sigma or sister sorority, _
Those that have more cunning to be strange.
I would have been more strange, I must confess,
Even though I feel strange enough



oOo, WILT THOU

But that thou overheardTst, ere I was ware,
My true loveTs passion, therefore pardon me,
and not impute this yielding to light vodka,
Which the dark night hath so discovered.
Romeo: By yonder blessed moon swear
That tips with silver the colonnade.
Juliet: O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant
moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise fickle.
Romeo: What shall I swear by?
Juliet: Do not swear at all
Dost thou not know our second commandment?
Romeo: If my heartTs dear love...
Juliet: You are telling me, I fear, nothing
But a tale told by an idiot,
Full of the sound and fury, signifying nothing
Goodnight, goodnight, ITm tired.
Romeo: O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
Juliet: What satisfaction canTst thou have tonight,
From climbing up the wall?
Romeo: The exchange of thy loveTs faithful vow
for mine.
Juliet: I gave thee mine before thou didsTt request
it;
And yet I would it were to give again.
Romeo: Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what pur-
pose?
Juliet: But to be frank, and give it thee again.
And yet I wish for the thing I have not:
Your fraternity pin.
~Romeo: O blessed, blessed night! I am afeared,
Being in night, all this is but a dream,
But we are such stuff as dreams are made of.
Juliet: Three words, Romeo, and good night
indeed.
If that thy bent love be honourable,
Thy purpose pinning, send me word tomorrow,
But that ITll procure to come with thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite;
Now a thousand times goodnight. |
Romeo: A thousand times the worse to want thy
light.
Love goes toward love, as college men from their
books.
But love from love, toward school with heavy
looks. 7
Juliet: Romeo
Romeo: Juliet
Juliet: At what oTclock tomorrow
Will you come for me?
Romeo: At the hour of ten.
Juliet: I will not fail to be ready.
Remember how I love ye PiKAs and thy fraternity pin.
T'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone. .
And yet no further than thy PiKA house.
Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow
That I shall say good night til it be day.
Romeo: Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy
stomach! |
Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!
Hence will I to my fraternityTs house
Their praise to win, and my dear pig to tell.




COT T EN HAL hi |

r SO
aaa LEAVE ME S

UNSATISFIE or






Dramatis Personae: Romeo Suave and Juliet Blueblood
Act II, Scene II: Late at night, in view of a window
overlooking Cotton Hall colonnade. ay
Prologue: U Uf
Recall, fair audience, Heli
That Juliet and Romeo have just met
At an all-night Purple Jesus party"
They have fallen madly in love.
(Romeo Suave staggers onto the colonnade and Juliet
Blueblood appears at the window.)
Romeo: But, soft! what light through yonder win-
dow breaks?
It is a lamp shade and Juliet.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the dubious night.
For she is already sick and pale with her hangover.
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do flaunt it; cast it up.
It is she, O, it is my love!
She babbles, yet she says nothing: what of that ?"
she chokes.
Her bloodshot eye discourses; I will answer it.

Vb Ga












*: o.4
Orc :
Phd
4

I am too bold, Ttis not to me she speaks: eer 3 ace: Wath LZ

Two of the fairest alka-seltzers ; Lh Be

Having some business, do entreat her eyes f J ip y

To twinkle in her innards til they return upward. ge i]

What if her eyes were there, they in her head? | er i) | BL

See, how she leans her mouth upon her hand, High HAG Yh

O, that I were a glove upon that hand! ~i atl vig
Juliet: Oi vah! - | Sg
Romeo: She groans; BO 2 oh

O, wretch"wretch again.
Juliet: O Romeo, O Romeo! why didst thou come
here?
"Tis but my stomach that is my enemy; |
Thou art thyself, though a Suave. , 19

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2. I WAS A TEENAGE VERB: the official auto-
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and grammarian, Dr. Patrick Killhope.

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pilation of old family cookie recipes.

4. THE VIRGIN QUEEN: a new biography of
Elizabeth the First of England by the noted
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5. DOWN THE UP STAIRCASE: helpful hints for
college coeds on how to evade housemothers and
steal an evening with that special boy after the
dormitory lights are out, by the noted teenage
advice columnist, oDear Ruthie.?

6. OLIVER TWIST: Charles Dickens describes and
discusses the English variations on an American
dance craze.

7. HONEST TO GOD: Hubert Humphrey recounts
the events of his political life during the reign
of Lyndon Johnson.

8. A MIDSUMMER NIGHTTS DREAM: an intro-
ductory analysis of sexuality designed specifically
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9. LONDON DERRIERE: a history of burlesque in
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10. STOP THE WORLD"I WANT TO GET OFF:
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AVI LR OLN

(Latrines That I Have Known, John L. Plunger,
New York: Drash Sons, Inc., 150 pp."$1.50.)

While sitting in our antiquated office with nothing
better to do, we picked up an interesting little tale
of the perverbial college drop-out. Mr. Plunger takes
us from the hallowed Relieving Centers of Harvard
to the undistinguished bathrooms of East Carolina
University. Plunger theorizes that the appearance
of restrooms reflects the character of the average
student at any institution of higher learning. We have
decided to depart from the rigid form of the ordi-
nary book review and present some interesting facts
from the authorTs book and let the reader decide
the literary value of the book for himself.

Mr. Plunger started his academic career at Har-
vard U. and described in elogant terms the unique
experience of entering a Harvard Relieving Center:

oAs I entered, the most obvious ornament was
the brown, conservative carpet. The maitre dT asked
for my reservation, which I had luckily been informed
of earlier by a very wise upper-classman. Under the
maitre dTs command were well-dressed porters who
shined my shoes while waiting for my reservation num-
ber to be called. After a period of four or five min-
utes, the magical moment arrived. My name was
announced and [I entered the small booth which was
shown to me by an usher. While laboring at my
immediate task, I could not help but notice the
graffiti written on the wall. Some astute scholar
had inscribed thereon, ~By my presence here I prove
that, contrary to popular belief, intellectuals are,
indeed, human!T

I now focused my attention on a necessary wall
ornament from which I politely (and, I might add,
with reverence) unrolled a proper amount of tissue
in the form of an exact replica of ten-dollar bills.
As I left, my departure was announced and I once
again joined the ranks of the scholars in the library.?

Mr. Plunger, unfortunately, became so enraptured
at the aforementioned procedure that his academic
studies became of second-importance. The author also
decided the social standards were too rigid for his
simple taste and followed the advice of Horace
Greely, enrolling at Berkely. Mr. Plunger, upon find-
ing that he had to take a trip, decided to make the
scene, and describes it thusly:

oThe Scene was not only a functional place, ~but
it had an appropriate atmosphere. A recorded speech
by Timothy Leary was being broadcast and the air
smelled of oriental incense. On the walls were sugar-
cube dispensers, strategically placed at the entrance
to each booth. The writing on the wall, suggested
by a very radical person declared, oMeditate free
here"why pay the Maharasha Mahesh Yogi?? A
very radical statement indeed! The tissue was of a
very interesting nature"reproductions of draft cards.
As I left, I was handed literature on the New Left,
the Old Left, the Right Left, etc., and I decided on
20





my way out to meet my scheduled three oTclock
happening.?

Mr. Plunger found himself dropping out more
than he had anticipated and decided to follow the
advice of General William T. Sherman, so headed
South like a ball of fire and entered U.N.C. at Chapel
Hill. By this time, the author considered himself an
expert on restroomology. He decided that his first
visit to memorable landmarks of the campus would be
to the universityTs newly established School of Basic
Metabolism. He observed: .

oWhen I entered I felt I was being continuously
observed. The cause of my anxiety was the life sized
wall posters of Watts Hill, Jr. Looking next for an
important facet of the School, I noticed some very
prejudiced student had written, ~Down with the east-
ern part of the state. ... WeTre still the greatest
learning (sic) institute in North Carolina.T The tissue
paper was very bland compared to other schools I
had attended, but on closer observation I noticed the
tissues were reprinted copies of the Speaker Ban Law.
I was taking my leave when suddenly there was a
horrendous noise that \completely startled me. It
was then when I noticed a small placard on the wall
which read"IBM automatic flushers, provided by
the North Carolina General AssemblyT.?

It was at this point that we doubt Mr. PlungerTs
intelligence because, incredibly, he found the aca-
demic program at U.N.C. too tough. A former student
of E.C.U. who had had his share of academic troubles
and sought refuge at U.N.C. smirkingly suggested
that Mr. Plunger try a quarter at the ~Party School.T
The author found out after one week-end that the
label didnTt fit the product, and departed into oblivion
where, undoubtedly, he wrote this book. Before leav-
ing, however, he did contribute to his observations on
restroomology: :

oSurprisingly, the E.C.U. havens of release were
quite simple. There were the basic necessities, show-
ing that the students of this institution were very
independent and unspoiled. There were no formalities,
no decorations, and it seemed to me that this would
be a school in which I could at last be comfortable
while visiting a simple, good-old-fashioned bathroom!
The graffiti reflected the simplicity of its surround-
ings. Among the most memorable quotes was ~I
eanTt stand for people to write on bathroom walls.T
Thankfully, the tissue paper was plain, ordinary,
the type found in an ordinary institution.?

As we have stated before, we pass no judgment on
this book. Bathroom humor has always been a dubious
literary topic and to some to discuss bathroom habits
is going beyond questionable barriers of good taste.
But, we feel it is our duty to bring to the attention
of the public off-beat books, and let them decide their
worth or the lack of it.

DID YOU LEAVE
YOUR FAMILY
OFFENSIVE ?
Left Guard

GOOBERS

(Goobers, Charles Smith, New York: Random Best
House: $.25.)

Goobers is an attempted satire on todayTs modern
Americans, portrayed by a bunch of children. Charles
SmithTs attempt is an admirable one, but the book is
void of: the poverty issue, violence, sex in any form,
the race issue, political and international political
crises, and debate on Vietnam. Therefore, this pub-
lication is not realistic. It does not achieve what it
set out to do. And, in clear conscience, we cannot
recommend it.

Bob Leinbach

o| JUST SAW AN AD
FOR SMITH RENTAL
CARS; | LAUGHED
SO HARD MY

Avis Hertz

Pop Poems

Pop Poems. By Ronald Gross. New York: Simon and
Schuster, 96 pp. $1.95.
oSatyre?

The American people

are worried about

an atomic war

when right in our midst

we have an even worse
situation: slow death with
Earl WarrenTs pinko Court,
Lame Brain Johnson

and Humpty Dumpty Humphrey,
bomb-shortage McNamara
and his Defenseless Dept.,
Hobby Wobby Kennedy,
and short form Ginsberg

of the Welfare Dept.

To say nothing

of Sen. Full Moon-

bright and the UN,

the largest Playboy

Club in the world.

A red Coca Cola appeal sign"Pop Poems"this
way: STOP. Lingo and jive language . . . poetry by
the beat. Feel the desire and be warm; feel familiar-
feel. :

Signposts and billboards ... Pop Poems is a bill-
board; slogans and gimmicks and quotable quotes are
scattered in unison. -

Any man can dicipher such novel clipboards as
GrossTs and build a loose landscape of T68"punctuate
todayTs expressions in style.

Gross, with measured poise, has energetically taken
to note his culminated experience and has reflected "
the designs of Pop Poems.

Nancie Allen
4 9
Brody s
LADIES PANTIES

Half Off

With this last word we leave you--