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EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY
GREENVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA
LAMPOON
Fountainblah
Serving it up to the ECU group for quite awhile
VOL. 51, NO. 47
1 APRIL 1976
Everthing in this issue is a lie and
you should not believe a word of it - if
you don't want to!
mmm
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N. C. voters say 'yes'
to Lee 0. Jenkins
N.C. is in good hands now that I'm in
charge according to newly elected Gov.
tee 0. Jenkins at the recent swearing in
ceremonies in Raleigh.
Jenkins won a landslide victory when
all the remaining candidates dropped out
of the race from lack of interest. Jenkins'
closest opponent, Vino Delopisio,
withdrew from the ballot when it was
learned his family deli business was in
trouble .
"My best short order cook quit and
left us in a tight spot said Delopisio. "I
had to set priorities. The deli meant
more than running for governor.
Jenkins new plan for improving N.C.
was announced at his inauguration.
'The first thing I'll do as governor will
be to bring my Greenville associates from
ECU to the state capital to help run the
state said Jenkins.
These capable people helped me run
ECU and will be of great assistance to
me at the state level
FOUNTAINBLAH has learned that
ECU Director of Security will become the
new State Attorney. Joe Balder, presently
the ECU Security Director, said his new
position will afford him the opportunity
to get people he could not touch as head
of the campus police.
According to sources in the police
department the list of people Balder
wants to get include: Sam Ervin (Richard
Nixon was Balder's boyhood idol);
Greenville Police Chief E. G. Gunnem
(Gunnem was too soft with the
student Halloween rioters- none were
shot): and FOUNTAINBLAH Editor Mike
Taylor (Taylor is the prime suspect in a
severe outbreak of ulcers among his staff
members).
Jenkins believes he can best serve
N.C by threatening to run for President
every time his programs don't pass the
legislature.
"Do you think that the people of N.C.
want someone like myself representing
the state at the national level, well, you
bet your ass they don't said Jenkins.
"This way I'm assured success here in
N.C
"This state is in sad enough shape
and I can't do any more harm said
Jenkins. "My first plan as governor will
be to make sure that every high school
has a Med School.
"This will insure N.C. will not be
asspiiing politico must
shining sleek cheeks of Ms constituents. When it comes to winning votes at rallies,
Lee O. Jenkins has ail his supporter, athletic and otherwise, getting the governors
brown-nosed- attention.
short of doctors and will also give every Jenkins, reflecting on his new
local paper throughout the state some important role, said that he owes it all to
issue to beat into the ground his "good looks and grasp of the issues
Chiseler, Dorkton indicted for hanky panky
Larry Chiseler, Student Government
Association treasurer, and Dr. Jack
Dorkton, SGA financial advisor, were
indicted last Friday morning on charges
of attempting to defraud the SGA of
more than $100,000.
A Grand Jury consisting of eight
black women and a Jew handed down the
indictment in Federal District Court in
New Bern. A dead-or-alive warrant was
immediately issued for the couple, last
seen entering the local office of the
Eastern Gay Alliance.
SGA President Jimmy Hunneycatt
expressed shock upon hearing of the
allegations.
"I never ever doubted that Larry was
an honest boy Honeycatt cried, "but I
always wondered why he and Dorkton
Fountainblah eye sore of the week
EYE SORE OF THE WEFK-RonaW Rag-on, national leader of
The Kennel Enemas TKE, is shown congratulating the elite
"500" club. This club is composed of TKE members who true
to TKE by-laws, saved 500 canines from severe abdominal gi s
by administering them err mas Members of the "500 club
were each presented wifh the coveted "Golden Bag Some of
the breeds saved by the TKPs this year in the Greenville area
from that deadly disaster - gas - were the Chi Omaggots and
the Trl Pigs.
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were always complimenting each others
figures
Greenville Police Chief Glen Gunnem
said he had 200 riot equipped National
Guardsmen and local peace officers on
the lookout for the duo at Happy Hour
last Friday.
"We were unable to smoke out the
suspects that afternoon, but I assure you
we'll stick to our guns in this search
Gunnem barfed.
The indictment charges the two with
conspiracy to defraud the SGA treasury
of more than 75 per cent of their
available funds last December. Sources
within the investigation believe that
because Chiseler got cold feet in late
December the couple's plan to abscond
to Costa Rica with the stolen funds was
called off.
Chiseler's budget report to the
Legislature in January accounted for the
missing $100,000. His offical excuse to
the legislators for losing the money was
"total incompetence on my part "
"I might be dumb for making tne
error, but FOUNTAINBLAH is a complete
ass for thinking I'm an idiot Chiseler
squealed to Speaker Atany Price shortly
before the January session.
Price, during that session,repeatedly
ruled "out of order" a bill sponsored by
Mag Wheels, chairman of the Appropria-
tions Committee, that called for a Math
Lab Tutor to teach Chiseler how to count
to ten
After that stormy January session,
Wheels confessed to FOUNTAINBLAH
that he has not pressed the issue
because Chiseler was threatening to
pledge Sigma Nu Fraternity.
Newly elected btiA Kresiuem mil
Sullivan, who was finally found sucking
on a chocolate filled donut in Krispy
Kreme at 3:00 a.m. Tuesday, nad only
one comment on the indictment: "Larry
and Jack are okay fellows. just wish
that they would take crime (and each
other) more seriously
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F0UNTAIN8LAHV0L. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976
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KUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976
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orum
Jenkins
endorsed
Dear Editor:
I would like to endorse the nicest,
greatest, best guy I know fon governor.
No, not smiling Jimmy Hunt-none other
than our own Leo Jenkins.
I can say without bias or any other
consideration beyond my love of
government that this man will truly do
the best for our state. I mean, it would
be the first time that the state would
have a governor with a genuine Jersey
accent, which would definitely be an
improvement over the past governors
who could do the "Shake and Bake"
commercials on TV.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Leo Jenkins
Basketball note
Dear Editor:
Sorry to read about the demise of the
ECU basketball team this past year Just
when things were going so great then all
of a sudden things are not going so
great
Tom Quinn
UNC drops ECU
Dear Editor:
Please tell Leo for me that we are
dropping your "team" from our schedule
for the next 50 years. Nothing personal
now, just the fact that we want to
upgrade our schedule some and don't
think we can do it with teams like yours.
I mean, a team that loses to
Appalachian has no business on our
schedule.
Thanks,
Bill Dooley
Election
comment
Dear Editor:
l nave only one comment on the
recent elections OH FART.
Brandon Tise
�ea&sJ
EQUAL TIME: After making fun of a lot of other people
around campus, it is only fair that the paper take at least one
shot at itself. So, the above cartoon is printed in the name of
fair play, and little else. The cartoon was discovered slipped
under the Fountainhead office door early in the �chool year. A
fingerprint examination revealed that the cartoon came from
Mendenhall. second We But, the exact author is unknown
although the paper has several good guesses who might have
penned such a total unlikeness of the paper's revered editor.
So much for fair play.
Chancellor has comments for president
Dear Editor:
Concerning the election of one Tim
Sullivan, I would like to make a few
comments.
I read with interest Mr. Sullivan's
campaign material and to be honest it
scared the hell out of me. I mean, who
does this student think he is, the rebirth
of George Wallace. I could not believe all
those promises -stuff like cutting student
salaries, sounds like what Wallace was
saying. And then this thing about putting
students first. Let me tell you, I am all
for that, as long as there is nothing else
important to put first like state
government, local government, the
interest of the big businessmen, my own
political ambitions. I mean Tim, we have
to keep things in their proper
perspective.
You can't change everything. I have
already done it. I hope you will drop by
whim 1 mtmmmmmmmm mm
my office so we can get a few things
straight
To begin with, I don't want you
making any waves this year. I mean it is
an election year and some people around
here have aspiration for higher office.
Not me mind you, but some do
And listen, we don't want to make
waves cause it will get us bad PR. and,
that is all those people in Charlotte want,
sometning to hold against us. The first
riot we have on campus they will try and
take my med school back And, rest
assured Tim, I will let nothing stand in
the way of my med school, nothing, not
even a pay raise for state teachers
Like I said, please come by to see
Tie. I have an offer you can't refuse, like
maybe a special parking place of your
own. and an office and everything.
Please don't think this is a bribe Let's
just call it a friendly gesture among
friends, or something like that
Looking forward to our first
confrontation. I mean meeting
Sincerely,
Leo J.
Primary results shock NC Governor
Dear Editor:
I would like to take this opportunity
to express my great shame of the GOP
voters in this state. I mean, what the hell
are you people trying to do, ruin my
chances of a big win in Washington as
one of those pointy-headed bureaucrats
George Wallace is always talking about.
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That is just what you did last week
when you gave Ronnie Reagan more
votes than Jerry Ford. I simply can't
believe that my own state stabbed me in
the employment back. Just when Jerry
says I might be VP, or even a high
official in his next kingdom, then you
people turn around and don't even give
old Jerry more votes than Ronnie.
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Well, I hope you people are satisfied
I might as well go back to Boone and
start my law practice up again. I had
counted on DC. in the Springtime, now I
have to settle for Boone in the winter
which is cold as you know what
Sincerely,
Jinmy Holshouser
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FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976
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Famed shrink says death stunts growth
By ANNABEL LEE PUTZY
Staff Concubine
In keeping with the national mood of
patriotism, true blue EZU's yahxi
chancellor, Leo O. Jenkins has
announced bicentennial resolutions for
the "Great School of the East
1. Each morning, at 7:76, there will be
mandatory nail meeting in all dorms.
During these hall meetings, the Pledge of
Allegiance will be recited, a recording of
Kate Smith's rendition of "God Bless
America" will be played full-blast, and
each student will be required, in turn, to
deliver a 500-word essay, "What Pinetops
Means to Me (Jenkins said anyone
failing to participate will become part of
?Hp weekly camDus bonfire rally.)
2. All students will be encouraged to
bring back to life those tnings that maae
America What it is today. (Examples: go
on Welfare, not, commit high treason,
break into the Pitt County International
Democratic Headquarters, or move to
Canada.)
3. In a sentimental look at EZU's
illustrious past, there will be a week
celebrated when the campus will be as it
was 50 years ago. The UNC Board of
Governors is presently accepting bids for
the job of demolishing Brewster,
Speight, Minges, all the women's dorms,
and so forth and so on. Students are
packing up in preparation for their trip
home, while muttering "Does this mean I
can get out of my dorm contract?"
4. Preceding "campus week "Joisey
week" will be celebrated. At that time, all
students from New Jersey will be given
tenure as professors in the department of
their choice. Preparations for this event
have been delegated by Jenkins to his
college roommate, Giovanni "Bugsy"
Ravioli, a "business executive from
Passaic, New Jersey.
5. While reenactments of the Battle of
Bunker Hill and the Boston Tea Party
take place in New England, EZU's most
famous revolution will also be given an
instant replay. The reenactments of the
first and second annual Halloween riots
have gained such notoriety that ABC has
purchased exclusive television rights, and
Howard Cosell has volunteered to play
both a policeman and 500 students.
6. The drama department has hired Neil
Simon, William Wyler, and a newcomer
named Bill Shakespeare to collaborate
with students on a Bicentennial pageant
entitled "Red, White, and Blue OR:
Communists, Bigots, and Dead Babies.
7. SGA President, Tim Sullivan will
deliver a speech on the mall, entitled, "I
Love the Fountainhead, and all that it
stands for"
rs
ducjifcy strikes
-Traiternisj intellect
ARE YOU A TURTLE?
By ERNEST HEMINGWAY
Creature Writer
Margaret, a registered nurse at
General County Hosptial, has been
married to Tom for over twenty years,
and they have a daughter, Sandy, who is
a sophomore at General County
University.
Margaret, who has begun to find a
young surgeon on the staff attractive, is
unaware that her husband, who is a
lawyer, is having an affair with his
secretary, Jennifer, who is married to a
policeman.
Sandy (the daughter) is engaged to
Bob, a veterinian, who is dating the
sister of the doctor whom Sandy's mother
finds attractive. However, Sandy has met
Brad, a guy at college who is really not a
student; he is a secret agent from U.S.
Government Official (?) Chow and Dope
Administration, and finds herself falling
in love with him. Confused, she begins
taking tranquilizers to help calm her
nerves.
Meanwhile, Jennifer (the secretary)
discovers that she is pregnant. Since her
husband, Steve, is sterile, she knows
that the father of her baby is Tom. BUT,
unknown to her, Tom has had a
vasectomy. (Well, miracles do happen)
So, when she tells Tom, he wants her to
have an abortion, and, being a good
lawyer (which does come in handy, by
the way) wins the argument and arranges
the abortion.
In the meantime, Sandy has advanced
into dope and is arrested by Brad for
possession of marijuana. Margaret, her
mother, almost collapses. Although Tom
is concerned, he is more concerned with
more important things (arranging the
abortion at the hospital so his wife won't
find out). Margaret, getting no emotional
support from her husband, turns to Carl,
the doctor.
When Jennifer goes for the abortion,
Tom goes with her. The surgeon is Carl,
and the surgical nurse is a girl named
Cathy. However, at the last minute,
nthy becomes sick and Margaret is
assiqned to take her place.
After the abortion is over, which left
Jennifer very weak, Margaret sees Tom
leaning over her stretcher, screams, and
has a nervous breakdown. Tom has a
heart attack, and Jennifer continues to
become weaker.
Sandy, who escaped from jail, was
run over by a car, and was rushed to the
hospital.
In the midst of all the confusion,
Steve walks in and (continued on page
13).
Shirley Temple
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HEAD'S PHARMACY
For all your drug neods
� OUR PRESCRIPTIONS
ARE SO POWERFUL fuU
HAVE TO RE IN PERFECT
HEALTH TO TAKE THEM.
HEALTH TIP OF THE WEEK: "THE BEST
WIT TO AVOID CATCHING COLDS IS TO STOP
DRINKING 00T OF DAMP GLASSES .
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AUNT MARTHA'S
TRADING POST
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Located (this week) at Intersection of
highways 302 & 14 in Bareass, N.C.

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Campus cringe s
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By EMERSON J. FARQUAI
Staff Mongoloid Mole
CAPRICORN: April will be a very fetal
month for the dynamic Capricornian, with
bananas coming through the mail, and a
500-mile unicycle trip for leisure. Watch
out for Salvation Army uniforms and
cenent blocks.
AQUARIUS: Those born under the water
sign will spend April in the shower. A
visit from mother could mean hubcaps
and fire hydrants. Beware of Polish
sailors on the 25th, and avoid
submarines at all times.
PISCES: Pisceans show their slimy
nature in April, when a bag of Grade-A
Cow Manure proves to be of lasting
impact. Be on the lookout for a letter on
the third. It will probably be "C "H or
"P Try not to eat fish stew with
Shriners.
ARIES: Love strikes tender Aries in April,
in the form of a large, but lovable piece
of granite. Roll with the punches, and
everything will be orange pekoe by the
end of the month.
TAURUS: Zwieback crumbs on your
Castro Convertible will mean a
cancellation of your subscription to
HUMPTY DUMPTY. Avoid midgets who
sing songs about typewriter ribbons.
GEMINI: A slow boat to China will be
your cup of tea as long as you remember
what your brother-in-law said about Jack
Nicholson movies. You will form a
lasting relationship with a neutered
beagle you meet at a used car lot.
CANCER: Surfboards are not a good
place for tender moments, as impetuous
Cancer finds out on April 32. DO NOT
buy any Asian ferns from a persistent
pretzel vender at the Carolina Cowboy
Saloon.
LEO: Everything about Leo is styled after
the king of the jungle, especially his
breath and bathing habits. April will be a
superb month for Leo, and the highlight
will be an all-expense paid visit to March
13, 1879.
VIRGO: Is it true what they say about
vestal Virgo? A 240 lb. gorilla will sit on
you on the 7th, leaving you with a stiff
neck and a pug nose, and a gorilla who'll
follow you anywhere.
LIBRA: Your lifetime dream of making a
career playing with your toes will come
true this month. Opportunity will knock
in the form of a persimmon franchise.
SCORPIO: April is a venereal month for
effervescent Scorpio. You'll be busy as a
bee once the National Guard gets to
town, but social Scorpio will entertain
the troops royally.
SAGITTARIUS: Life is one big orifice for
the sprightly Sagittarian, and this is
especially true in April, when that big
surprise comes from South of the Border.
One warning, though. Be prepared for
eyelashes in your pudding, and toenails
on your ears.
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FOUNTAINBLAHVOL.
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51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976
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Infamous flasher caught
with pants down
SARGANT SHRIVER, now retired from the quest for the Democratic nomination is
siown hj his new hobby, tap dancing. Seen with loving supporters in the background
wife, far right, son, far left, Shriver is seen delivering his oft-quoted speech relating
detente with "Bojangles" Robinson. One look from Shrivers son on far left tells the
entire story.
THE INFAMOUS WAHL-COATES flasher was caught early yesterday morning while
compromising a willing seven year old girl. Answering a question about how he had
been able to evade capture for so long, he replied, "I just have one of those faces
which blends into crowds easily
THE NEW MANAGER of Elbo Room was
new manager said he thought he would
"new look" projected for the dub.
saying, "I like young girls
named last week. L. Biff Najursky, the
get along well with his staff and the
"Besides Najursky was quoted as
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Jenkins,
colleagues
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was used
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FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1978
i�mimn
7
Buildings being towed
'Don 'tpush me' Balder starts towing frenzy
The ECU Campus Security was caught
towing some buildings on campus
Wednesday morning by C.G. Bore,
assistant to the assistant's assistant.
"I came to work at around 9 a.m.
Wednesday and saw ten of tr)e biggest
tow trucks attached to Mendenhall
Student Center, Clement Dorm and Uncle
Leo's small mansion said Bore.
ul immediately called Joe "You Can't
Push Me Around" Balder and asked what
the hell was going on.
"Push Me" Balder replied with a five
pound package of parking tickets and
told me if they weren't paid by the end of
Spring Quarter then I was in jeopardy of
having the rest of the campus
impounded
It was found through the investigation
that Balder, Doc, and the rest of the pigs
at the old laundrymat had felt that the
three buildings being towed were
constructed in the wrong places and that
they should be moved to accommodate
staff parking facilities.
"It has been our strict towing policy
on campus that has kept this place from
going to those damned students, and
you better believe that I would rather see
the pinkos take over instead of those
students quipped Balder.
Besides if it wasn't for the towing
policy I couldn't afford to live in
Greenville with my slight salary
Those towing people keep me in
business with the cutbacks I get from
them, especially Dung Body Shop, that is
my favorite one. Mr. Dung is always
willing to drop his load and come to the
campus to tow a few cars.
I don't get much out of the towing
except a few lost rocks watching a car
ride off into the sunset behind a tow
truck, and oh yea, I also get about 10
bills for my cooperation with the towers
association
According to Bore, he decided to let
the two trucks have the two buildings but
used his better judgement in stopping
the towing of Uncle Leo's small mansion.
"I felt that the university could afford
to let two little buildings like Mendenhall
and Clement go. "Hell all Mendenhall
does is collect student money that is
spent on students and Clement
accommodates a few scabies every once
in a while.
According to Balder, his towing
policy keeps the students on their toes
because they never know what is going
next. "We believe in fairness here at
Campus Security and we can't let the
students think they are safe anywhere
on campus added Balder.
Bore was able to save the two
campus buildings and Uncle Leo had
called his friend Chief Gunnon to stop
those rubber ducks from taking his
house.
It is rumored that Bore will propose in
the next Board of Mistrustees meeting
that student cars be banned on campus,
and that student fees be increased for
the construction of a new parking garage
to be used exclusively by the faculty and
staff.
Balder commented on the rumor and
expressed grave concern over Bore's
actions. "You still can't push me around,
I'm a retired marine, but I will be damned
if I am going to let Bore end student
parking. Those tow trucks keep me and
my family in business, plus they were
able to pay for my $1,000 lawn last year
without the slightest dent in my checking
account.
Tenth St. overpass to reroute traffic over students
The Tenth Street, College Hill Dr.
intersection claimed the lives of three
ECU students, two stray dogs and one
SGA rat last week in what was termed by
one ECU official as the student event of
the year.
According to Hereicum Stiffsanall,
ECU mortician, the intersection is the
direct reason for the loss of these
students and their rats. "It is very
obvious how the mishaps occurred, the
pedestrians simply did not yield to the two
racing Macks with fullv loaded 45 foot
trailers.
SGA
votes
against
classes
The SGA Legislature passed a bill
Saturday night at the Sigma Nu Suite in
Scott Dorm which states that there will
be no classes held on Mondays.
"There is no use in having classes on
Mondays because no one goes to them
stated an SGA officer who wishes to
remain anonymous. "After the weekend,
students were unable to make it to their
classes on Mondays. They need time to
recuperate
The SGA Legislature fought bitterly
for the bill to be passed. With much
opposition from university officials, it
was finally necessary to use physical
force to have the bill passed. Leo
Jenkins, Chancellor, several of his
colleagues and even several legislators
have been hospitalized. Campus Police
and Greenville City Police were on hand
to prevent a riot from breaking out.
Before the necessary physical force
was used in order to have the bill
passed, Jenkins stated, "Students do not
need to have a prolonged weekend. If one
workday is taken from the workweek to
be added to the weekend, eventually
there will be no workweek
With power increasing within the SGA
Legislature, there is a possibility that
students someday may have an annual
"Halloween Riot" and possibly panty
raids with no interference from the
Campus Police
m
"The remains of the students were
carefully scraped off of the intersection,
and the two strays were cast into the
gutter. The SGA rat was left as a
sacrifice to any turkey vultures that
happened to wander by said Stiffsanall.
Stiffsanall feels the only way to stop
the pedestrian suicide at the intersection
is to build an overpass for the traffic to
go over the crossing.
According to Stiffsanall, this proposal
would accomplish two goals; the first to
re-route the traffic, and secondly to get
more money from the students at ECU.
The administrative end of ECU was
rather pleased with the recent accidents
because they received the full tuition
from the students and since it is early in
the quarter they can spend that money
any way they deem necessary without
having to provide something for those
students.
The deceased students were fined by
the ECU Traffic Department for failure to
yield right of way to moving vehicles and
will not be allowed to graduate until the
fines are paid.
The truckers have reportedly filed suit
in Pitt County District Court for damages
received during the accident. The two
truckers are seeking $50,000 a piece for
the destruction of their wind screens and
for the removal of flesh from the radiator
grill.
The truckers have planned to hold a
convoy through the ECU campus if the
courts do not pay off. and will refuse to
ship beer into the city.
According to SGA President. Jimmy
Honeycutt, those truckers sure do have
us by the testicles, especially all the frat
rats if they can't get any beer.
I
The SGA Condom
Take it from Hunneycatt,
It's like being screwed
by a 1000 legislators.9
. '���&
For the man who has BIG political ambitions.
5fC will stretch further than the SGA budget.
jfc can take more abuse than an SGA president.
m
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8
FOUNTAJNBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976
MiWi
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ENTERTAINMENT
Interview with Russell Bertrum
By NORMAN MAILER
Visiting EZU on April first along with
a host of other notables, will be world
famous playboy, alleged philosopher, a
renowned plagiarist Russel Bertrum.
Dr. Bertrum claims to have graduated
from Harvard but swears Harvard is in
Europe. He did his dissertation on some
obscure principle of Physics which he
calls inertia. It was later discovered that
Issac Newton had done similar work in
the past, hence Bertrum's reputation for
plagiarism.
FOUNTAINBLAH, in an exclusive
interview with Bertrum became hopeless-
ly confused. This reporter can do no
more than leave judgement of the worth
of ideas Bertrum claims to be his own to
you, the reader.
FOUNTAINBLAH Many people do not agree
with your attitude toward plagiarism. They
charge you with what they call "serious
crimes
Bertrum: That is much ado about
nothing. It happens every twelfth night. I
expect charges like that from a hamlet
the size of Greenville.
F: Charges like that don't worry you?
B: What, me worry? You see, in this
Shell I have no need to cross the Gulf of
compromise into the Richfield of Mobile,
American thinking. I am standing
Humble, my Chevron flashing brightly
across this sub-Standard University.
F: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. Did you
say something about gas stations?
B: No, we were talking about plagiarism.
You see, the quality of plagiarism is not
feigned. It falleth like the gentle rain
fmm heaven, and is easier to research.
F: Now I am confused.
B: Weil, that is pretty confusing so far.
But if you think you are confused now
you haven't seen nothing yet, and you
may not, unless you stick around for
tonight's lecture.
MISS ANNA PRUDEHOMME WATSON retired Monday from her position as dorm
administrator which she had held in Cotten Dorm for the past 36 years. Seen in this
picture taken on her birthday last January, Miss Watson claimed to have dedicated
her life to helping young coeds and collecting blund objects. The two were not
related she claimed. Asked about her future plans, she said that she plans to run a
home for wayward dwarves in Kansas.
m in � � � m0mm0mmm0m0mmmninmMitm j n m
F: Anyway, people call you a playboy.
What are your views on this image?
B: My view on playboy's? I'm for 'em.
F: Hah, hah. That is clever.
B: I'm very sensitive, don't laugh at me.
F: If you don't want me to laugh, why do
you tell me these tales?
B: Ask not for whom I tell tales. I tell for
thee.
F: This conversation is going down hill.
If you want to plagiarise, why not
plagiarise good ideas instead of these
mediocre ones I have heard today. Come
to think of it, all I've really heard are bad
puns.
B: I may be punny, but all the puns I
use, I've stolen. I am a proud plagiarist.
F: Let's finish this interview with your
��imiMmMHmiMimiHHIMIIHHMHIIHHHIt
favorite un-original idea or pun.
B: Ahh, this doeth pretend deep
trenchery and muddy secrets to be told.
F: That's it! What the hell?
B: Hell? What's the El? They tore it
down. As a tot they told me not to cross
the moat. But then the monkey did
beseach me cast the moat from mine
own eyes. Thus I crossed my eyes and
double crossed the monkey into the
moat! Afraid of hell, you think! Hell, I've
left my senses many times and dreamed I
fought great monsters, pink beheamoth,
rats upon my bed, who cares? If we
fall can we not rise again to bite another
apple on yet another Eve? We'll take it
down. We'll get it standing up, we'll get
it any we can St. Mickey save me
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FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976
alum i m�i�iii iipipiihh i innaw
9
AS PART OF Greenville Rehabilitation Week, famous city eunuch of J. Clvde Dueless
is shown at his job as bartender downtown. Co-workers remarked that he was fitting
in remarkably well considering that he had nothing to fit in with.
LOCAL ARTISTE RODOLFO DADA SMITH-WORTHINGTON caught in a restive pose
after his successful one man art show. He was hung by his gonads from a large oak
tree while friends threw balloons filled with paint at him and coated his extremities
with Ragu Spaghetti sauce. Special highlight of the show was the exposition of his
legendary neon cape which was plugged into a wall socket and when lit up, revealed
several of his fantasies about insects.
The masterpiece of bizarre love
that stunned France
A portrait of lave and submission
to disorder the senses.
SHE BOUGHT HER GOODIES AT
BUM'S S-MSHOP
FEATURING THE LATEST IN
� WHIPS
� CHAINS
� HANDCUFFS
� WETSUITS
� LEATHER ITEMS
� ROPES
� MASKS
� VARIETY OF CELLOPHANE
APPAREL
TWO YOUTHS were discovered Irving In a back room of A.J. Fletcher Building by
campus security agents last Sunday. Professing to belong to a new religion which
believes that after death your soul goes to a Lithuanian diner in Chicago, the odd pair
was held for further questioning after admitting actually to believe Or. Clyde Hiss is
alive.
" IF IT HURTS, IT'S AT BURT'S

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FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976
i Hi
KLAN MEETING�It was indeed a fine day for a cross burning last weekend at Ficklen
Stadium and these Klan followers turned out in throngs to support the local
Greenville chapter-headed up by Greenville's favorite son, Glenn Cannon. According
to reports, Cannon became annoyed wtth the crowd and helped them to disperse by
use of tear gas, beer bottles and tomahawks. Cannon noted that he did give the
crowd a five second warning beforehand, though.
ECU finally admitted to the ACC
By JOHN EVANS
Noise Editor
CHAPEL HILL, N.CThe FOUNTAIN-
BLAH learned today from its exclusive
sources that East Carolina has been
accepted for membership in the Atlantic
Coast Conference beginning in 1978.
According to reports, East Carolina
and Virginia Tech were accepted by the
conference's Athletic Directors by a vote
of 5-2 for admittance to the conference
beginning in 1978. The two schools
voting against the ECU inclusion in the
conference were North Carolina and the
University of Maryland. Clomson and
Maryland voted against the inclusion of
Virginia Tech into the conference.
Two schools, West Virginia and
South Carolina, were turned down for
admittance to the conference, both by
votes of 4-2 with one abstention.
According to a spokesman for the
ACC, the vote to accept ECU as a new
member came following considerable
lobbying by ECU Chancellor Dr. Leo
Jenkins and Senator Robert Morgan, an
ECU alumnus.
"East Carolina has many alumni to
thank for swaying the minds of the
Athletic Directors the spokesman said.
"Especially since the majority of Athletic
Directors were against it (ECU'S
acceptance) just two months ago.
"The decision to allow VPI to come
into the conference was made as a
concilliatory gesture towards Maryland
and Virginia, the two schools located
outside of the Carolinas. It was
surprising to many that Maryland voted
against the approval of Tech for
admittance
Maryland was the only school that
voted against all four schools, including
South Carolina and West Virginia, for
admittance into the conference.
FOUNTAINBLAH contacted Mary-
land's Athletic Director Jim Kehoe for his
comments on the matter.
"To me, and this is off the record, the
conference is playing dominoes with Its
future said Kehoe. "Of course we aren't
too crazy about the arrangement of North
Carolina schools in the conference
already and adding ECU to the
conference is totally absurd in my
estimation. Besides what has ECU ever
beaten us in?"
When told by FOUNTAINBLAH that
mwmmm
East Carolina had beaten the Marylanders
in both baseball and swimming this year,
Kehoe remarked, "Well, that doesn't
mean a thing to me. After all our
baseball and swimming teams had an off
year this year and all our swimmers were
loaded down with twinkies the day we
swam ECU. You do remember what
happened in basketball, don't you?"
Neither ECU basketball coach Dave
Patton or Athletic Director Bill Cain
would comment on ECU'S chances
against the ACC in basketball. When
asked to comment, Patton just went pale
and Cain slammefl his door and went
back to his game of dominoes.
According to ECU Chancellor Jenkins,
the negative vote from Carolina was a
political move by the anti-ECU faction in
Chapel Hill.
"I think this is one of the greatest
victories that ECU and myself have ever
earned said Jenkins. "It angers me that
the people from Chapel Hill continue to
take the dim views towards our school
that they do, but after we beat them in
baseball and football this year I'm not
surprised to hear it.
"I'm afraid that I have a lot of political
enemies in that part of the state and they
used their gripes towards me to hamper
any attempts at us getting in the
conference
Jenkins announced that he would
immediately recommend to the Board of
Trustees that plans be approved to
enlarge Ficklen Stadium to seat 35,000
fans and Minges Coliseum to seat 9,000
fans. The two facilities currently have
capacities of 20,000 (in Ficklen) and
6,500 (in Minges).
Jenkins added that he felt the
admission of VPI to the conference
would help bring more balance to the
conference, and that he envisioned the
admission of a tenth school.
"We feel really proud that we have
been accepted and I personally feel, and
of course I speak for the university, that
the move was warranted.
"I think the conference's move to also
admit Virginia Tech would show that they
plan to expand to ten teams in the near
future, with several teams possibly
qualifying as the tenth school.
William Friday, president of the
consolidated University of North Carolina
system, said that he was surprised, but
pleased to learn that East Carolina was
accepted to the ACC.
"It was a surprise to me, I admit
said Friday. "At the same time, though,
the University (EC) has been making
great progress in its athletic endeavors
and perhaps people within the state
under-estimated exactly how much
progress the school had been making
The plan calls for East Carolina and
Virginia Tech to continue their normal
schedule in 1976 and 1977 and revert
completely to full schedules in all sports
by 1978. Since the schools will officially
be admitted to the conference in 1978,
this will give them each a little more than
two years to establish an athletic
program in all the conference sanctioned
sports.
Athletic Director Cain said that the
new occurrences would mean a
reevaluation of the program's goals. Cain
added that several programs which now
existed would have to be discontinued or
cut back in order to establish programs
in Lacrosse and Fencing. Lacrosse and
Fencing are both sports sanctioned by the
ACC towards the Carmichael Cup.
"It will take a while for myself and my
coaches to sit down and discuss what
changes need to be made in the program,
financially. At the present time, we are
not fully ready financially to take the
giant step into the ACC, but it is my
hope that we will be two years from now,
when actual competition begins
When asked what changes might have
to be made in the program, Cain
responded: "At the present time I don't
think it would be wise for me to
speculate on that. Certainly rifle is not an
ACC sport since that would probably be
sacrificed. As it stands now, all the other
sports would be continued, since they
are also ACC sponsored sports.
"Somewhere added Cain, "We will
have to find the money for a lacrosse
program. We had one a few years back
and discontinued it because of lack of
funds, but we may have to start the
program up once again or sacrifice that
sport for better programs in other already
existing sports
Cain added that in some sports a
great deal of change was not needed and
that increased revenue from conference
television and gate receipts would
possibly bring in a lot of the needed
money.
"In football, baseball, swimming and
wrestling we are close to where we need
to be. Track is another sport where we
are mighty close. There are several
places we will need to work on. Among
these are our soccer, tennis, and
basketball programs.
"I do believe, though, that some of
the money we will need can come from
the gate receipts with the conference
schools in basketball and football. Since
our share of the television contract will
start next year instead of in 1978, that
should help, too.
"We have already started receiving a
number of larger donations from alumni
to our athletic fund through the Pirate
Club. It may be three to five years before
we are competitive with the conference in
all sports, but I feel our overall program
will be able to hold its own right off
Cain added, "Now that we have been
given a commitment from the league, the
wheels can really start rolling. Of course,
there is a small matter of withdrawing
from the Southern Conference, but I
think that can be taken care of
NEW RECRUIT-East Carolina has recruited
this all-American punter out of fcyeeore A
and M. The booter, according to scouts,
has only one major weakness. If you
haven't noticed that fact yet, ha has no
At least he won't have to worrv his
about making the team.
m
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FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976
� � �mi i wvmmmemmmmm
ii
VMfV
( Carson signs Ryun
East Carolina track coach Bill Carson
announced the signing of two of the top
high school track stars in the nation
yesterday in an effort to offset the
Pirates' weaknesses in the pole vault and
distance events.
Steve Ryun of Lawrence, Kansas, is
the brother of legendary Jim Ryun, who
ruled the middle distance running in the
United States during the middle and late
sixties. Brother Steve looks to be a better
prospect than Jim.
In 1965, the older Ryun set the high
school national record in the mile with a
time of 3:58.5. This was the first time a
high schooler had ever broken four
minutes in the mile.
It was only fitting that brother Steve
came along to break the mark. Steve ran
a 3:55.8 time in the first outdoor mile of
the year this season. Carson sees Ryun
helping the Pirates program immensely.
"This is the first bonafide world class
miler I've ever had. We knew we had a
chance to get him but we thought it was
mighty slim. We just showed him the
kind of program we had and how well he
would fit in and he picked us over the
University of Kansas
The other jewel the Pirates picked up
was Jimmy Seagren, whose brother was
once the best pole vaulter in the world.
Bob Seagren, the former Southern Cal
star has pole vaulted over 18 feet several
times and has passed the tradition on to
brother Jimmy.
The young Seagren has vaulted 17'8"
three times and holds the national high
school record in the event. Carson was
also very high on Seagren.
"We've never had anyone here to go
any higher than 15'6 This is a really big
boost for our program. The only problem
with signing a pole vaulter is that we are
going to have to buy some pole vault
standards now. We have none
The two blue-chippers add to the
strength the Pirates have in the sprints
and hurdles should give East Carolina
one of the best track programs in the
East, maybe in the nation. Carson
concurs.
"These two young men should give us
one of the top track programs around.
Our sprinters and hurdlers are second to
none right now and these guys give us
strength where we were never able to
score points before
East Carolina track looks to be taking
a national picture right now, but should
be ever better next year with the new
acquistions.
southeastern 7
NOMINATED M
FOR "�
LATE SHOW
Fri. - Sat. ONLY
11:15 P.M.
FOUNTAMBUHI
AWARDS!
Tim Sullivan
THE MAN WHO
WOULD BE KING
SOON 'Return of Jaws' - starring Ricky Price
YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY-ECU head basketball coach Dave Patton wanders
over to talk to an official after learning that his team's Hardee's Huskies will not be
there on time for the team's post-game meal. The ECU player in the background helps
to express Patton's sentiments by saying he wants his all-meat Huskee or he won't
play.

t
DOUBLE DUTY�Apparently these two players can not decide who is supposed to
catch the ball. Actually, they are Beepo and Berpo Flub, the Siamese twins on the
ECU football team this year. Medical science was made when the two brothers were
separated when one tried going one way and the other went the other way.
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12
FOUNTAJNBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976
� r i mm� im i
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HOTFL
FLAS
Sppeech lab
The spp-speech 11-lab will mmm-
meet nnn-next Mmmm-onday to discuss
Eaastern North Ccc-carolina spp-peech
immm-pedimentts. The ttiime of tt-he
mm-eeting is 7:30 in rr-ooom 206
Alll-ied Hhealth.
Rocks off
The Geology Club will meet this
Saturday at Dr. O'bonner's favorite
hideawayto discuss the future possibility
of the club gettin its rocks off.
Freeze funds
Dr. rtans Dimdork will hold a special
seminar on how to freeze students funds
without ever telling them about the fund
freeze. The seminar should be of the
utmost importance for those in the EZU
Model UN program. Special guest for the
seminar will be Larry Chiseler, our
favorite SGA patsy for Dr. Dimdork.
Lecture show
The EZU Political bcience Department
will hold a special lecture series on
controlling socialism as applied to the
First Amendment and Justice Black. Dr.
Scurious Yarrough will present an in
depth court opinion, Dr. Dimdork will
represent the Third Reich, and Dr.
Deamon will lecture on the "South as a4
Socialist State
Non-art show
There will be a special non-Art Show
to be held at Dada Smith Worthington's
groovy pad. The non-Art show will not be
held so it will add to the uniqueness of
the event.
Flamingo fired
Applications are now being taken for
FOUNTAINBLAH editorship. Mike Tailor
fired himself last week and a replacement
is necessary for the remainder of the
year.
Cram course
The EZU Business Department will
conduct a special cram course to be
offered to the professors in the
economics and accounting departments.
The cram course will consist of how to
figure out your accounting tables once
you have thoroughly confused the
students and will give the professors a
chance to brush up on thier respected
subjects they forgot how to teach 20
years ago.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Darrell - it's off. Ha, ha, ha.
tmnimmmt i n mvm i n u
Cancelled
The Major Attractions Committee has
been cancelled because they lost their
sound crew in Greenville, South Carolina
and they refused to sign another
contract. Bob Sat iva was not available for
comment because he was out to lunch,
as he usually is.
Human body
The Nursing Department will hold a
week long seminar on the "Human Body
and the Best Way to Use it to Your
Advantage Girls Guest lectures will be
Xaviera Hollander and Linda Lovelace.
Speech fund
A speical speech therapy fund is now
being taken up for a corrective speech
course to be offered to Dr. Uguess
Mulati, EZU Business Department, to
correct his obvious speech problem.
Students who have Dr. Mulati this quarter
are strongly encouraged to give
donations before it is too late in the
quarter.
Fear course
Dr. Deamon will offer a course next
spring entitled "You Have only Three
Things to Fear in Life This class will
based on the teachings of intellectual
Gene Talmadge. Black people need not
apply.
Fighting BSA
Dr. Herby Carlson will be offering a
special training session for Boy Scouts
this summer. This group will consist of
fifty elite scouts trained in counter
insurgency tactics. The "Fighting BSA"
will be attached to the Defense
Intelligence Agency and will be used in
counter acting existing Soviet Browning
groups trying to convert young people to
Communism.
Warsaw ghetto
There will be a meeting of all the
survivors of the Warsaw Ghetto next
Tuesday. Guest lecturer will be the world
famous Bay Shore Wonder who will
speak on "Why I Love North Carolina or
Why My First Bom Will Be Named
T-Bone
BSRA
There will be a meeting of BSRA
(Bathroom Stall Readers of Aerica).
That's right, every Tuesday nite, BSRA
members tour the campus discovering
the true meaning of the old adage "the
writing's on the wall
The club is looking the new members
and everyone is invited to join. As club
president George M. Nasal says, "There
is a seat for you
Pogue gone
Russ Pogue, photographer for
Fountainblah, has been stolen. He was
last seen standing on his head on the
Entertainment Desk at i Fountainblah. His
whereabouts are presently unknown. If
anyone sees him, please tell him not,
repeat NOT, to return.
Applications are now being accepted
for staff photographer.
Friends of leather
There will be a meeting of Friends of
Leather next Monday at 6 p.m. at the
home of Tom "Crack the Whip" Tozer.
Med school trustees
A meeting of the EZU med school
Board of Trustees will be held Monday,
April 5 at Louie's Lounge to discuss
dispersement of med school funds and
future meetings at Louie's Lounge. All
memebrs are urged to attend as drinks
will be on the UNC school system.
Shoe collectors
There will be a meeting of ECU Shoe
Collecting Society Monday at 8jOO p.m.
at Saad Shoe Shop. The topic will be
"Pleasures of the Innersole All
interested parties welcome.
ePic'
of the week
A study of human nature.
mm