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LAMPOON ISSUE


ete r VOL. 6, NO. 43 EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY ee, 3 APRIL 1975 GREENVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA kins threat t For the umptgenth time in recent The fund raising effort was actually just governor would follow that line moving leader could be after this time, if he does (3 history, ECU Chancellor Leo Jenkins a “pass the hat attempt to raise enough Jenkins from Greenville to Raleigh and not actually seek the governor's post. appears to be on the verge of tossing his change to pay for the meal, the informer into the money seat that the governor One inside source has told hat into the North Carolina political ring. explained. And, while an exact amound of holds. FOUNTAINHEAD that Jenkins is really Jenkins, who has made a sport out of funds raised is not known, our source While sources at the McDonaid’s trying to gain leverage to “either get a law anno cing he may run for state-wide beamed that enough was raised to pay for meeting assure that the threat to run this school established at ECU or to gain office in past election years, 1S again ten Big Mac’s, eight cokes and two time will be followed with an admission into the Atlantic Coast considering a fun for the governor's shakes, with Dr. Jenkins still able to announcement to run soon, speculation Conference.” ottice. FOUNTAINHEAD has learned from pocket some change. still abounds that Jenkins could be using Other close Jenkins watchers feel that an impeachable source. While Jenkins has threatened torunfor the threat as a lever to gain some admission into the ACC might be? the The FOUNTAINHEAD source, who has State office before, enough times to eam advantage for his school. main goal behind the iatest political asked that his name not be revealed, has the nickname, the Harold Stassen of Pitt It was pointed out by our source that threats. But, others have speulated that color polaroid photos of Jenkins and @ County,” this effort may be the most shortly after the first time Jenkins the ECU Chancellor might also be after handful of politicos from around the state serious, at least in the last four years. threatened to run for governor, East funds for a domed football stadium, or holding a supper meeting last week at Veteran Jenkins watachers had Carolina gained university status. Then, special permission from the General McDonald's in Greenville. expected the campaign for sometime shortly after his last threat to rui for Assembly to turn Wake Forest University, The group discussed the Chancellors — especially in the light of the fact that the governor, ECU was granted a one-year med Appalachian State and Westem Carolina chances in the 1976 elections for Chancellor will be unemployed in the next school. into ECU branches iagated in Winston governors, according to our source. The — two years when he is forced to retire under Informed sources also link past Salem, Boone anc Cullowee, respectively. FOUNTAINHEAD source, who was among a mandatory state retirement regulation. Jenkins’ political threats to establishment if Jenkins’ threat to run is not aimed at the select few at the war council meeting, Jenkins is believed to have a fondness of a complete four-year med school on gaining favors f6r ECU, some speculate oe noted that district campaign sag a for old big two-story houses in wg — 7 iaiitl dake that the retired Marine officer could be were named and that fund raising efforts laces and for playing with huge sums o ith that t record int : ; were jaunched. si Our anous aaa that running for state politicians are asking what the ECU See Jenkins, again, page 4. 4 4 ) the
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which time she receives her divine guidance. Another theory about these secluded moments comes from something she once confided in one of the editors; that when she was in the eighth grade she was embarrassed because she couldn't do the “Jerk”, and practices it along in the showers at gym time. Now it’s thought that every now and then (since she doesn't take p.e.) she shuts herself up to practice and when people ask what she is doing in her office alone, we ali answer matter-of-factly, “Oh, she’s just in there brushing up on her jerk.”
SYDNEY GREEN is the Managing Editor, and pantacea for ail of those little aggravating problems that crop up around the paper. She approaches the job with such a bustling enthusiasm that it often causes the buttons of her blouse to come unhooked. Intelligent and dependable, probably her other greatest attributes (besides
See Head characters, page 12.
The key to any successful newspaper is the people behind It. The ability for a umber of diverse personalities to blend their talents together into one finished product ‘st, if the paper is to be what it ought to be. FOUNTAINHEAD is biessed with the © personalities, and as for their blending together, we can just Say that there is “te evidence that “miracles” do happen in this day and age. We thought you'd like
W a little something about the je wh o put out your newspaper : :
"he mainstay seiead a tn gs Editor-in-Chief. And Fountainhead’s Ed DIANE TAYLOR, stays mainiy on her behind (a typewriter), thinking up all of those ‘“Spirational editorials you read each week. Under her (leadership) the paper has gone to “0 pages regularly. (She doesn't believe in irregularity.) Prompt, business-like, she’s always ready with an ing word, or a Virginia Slim. Occasionally she shuts herself off from the rest of the staff. Most feel that this is her period of meditation, at
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2 FOUNTAINHEAD VOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975


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Eagles lottery
The Student Union and The Head are sponsoring a “When will the Eagles cancel” lottery beginning the first of last week. Students can enter by locating the booths set up in the Microfilms room of Joyner Library. They must indicate whether they think the Eagles will cancel their May 1st concert before tickets go on sale, after they go on sale, or after they arrive and witness Happy Hour at the Buc
27227
The Young Jewish Christian Society is having a Bibie study session Saturday night at 8 p.m
The meeting is open to both Christian Jews and Jewish Christians, but only to the young
The study will be heid at St. Gabriel's Catholic Church
Adopt a people
The people up for adoption this week clude a mixed nation German Sheperd, a white mixed nationality, and a male tan and white mixed nationality The dogs at the pound would like to extend an invitation to all interested parties to attend the get-togetNer attended by the most desirable dogs in Greenville sometime this week. They would appreciate it and so would the people
Free fish
Ever heard of “Free Fish Night’?
Two local restaurants, Friendly Fins and Peewee's Shrimp, are sponsoring this treat as a special favor to FOUNTAINHEAD readers
Every Friday night, from April 1 to May 23, these two ead seatuod delicatessans will give free seafood (in any amount) to those customers who can prove they read the FOUNTAINHEAD regularly. Proof may be made in any manner you can think of
Let's get going, all you little fishies and shrimps out there in the ECU Sea.
Da Nang reunion
Da Nang-The annual U.S. Marine Corps reunion scheduled for here in May has been postponed indefinitely due to circumstances beyond the control of the sponsoring group, and the South Vietnamese Army for that matter. Reason for the postponement was cited as the Viet Cong’s failure to recognize Bank America cards
ERA
The Pitt County ERA group will hold a seminar entitled “Ban the Missionary Position’ at Pitt Tech in early May. Emphasis during the seminar will center around trying to “etep the fucking rip-off of women through use of this male chauvinist position,” a spokesperson for the group told FOUNTAINHEAD
Forget it
To clear up any confusion conceming tuition rates for all students, whether in-state or out-of-state, Jules Wainwrong has invited students to attend a meeting Friday night at Ficklen. Students attending should bring a birth certificate, drivers license, past tax forms, grades, parents birth certificates, work forms, baptismal slip (if available), pedigree and family tree, plus a memo from the Democratic party chairman in your parents hometown stating your parents past service to the party. If such a memo is not available a Pirate's Club card will do or a taded bumper sticker saying ‘Vote yes for ECU Med School.”
“Wainwrong stated that “we intend to clear this fucking mess up once and for all but if your parents have not lived in N.C for at least 2v years, or ali their lives, whichever comes first, forget it.”
ll Libido
The ECU Music Dept. will present “Il Libido an opera and one unnatural act this Sunday after Catechism
No joke
it's no joke FOUNTAINHEAD will not be out next week. Due to the necessity to move from the old offices high atop the beautiful Wright Complex to new offices in what was South Cafeteria, papers normally published on Tuesday and Thursday will not be published. Normal publication will
resume on April 15th. Sorry about the inconvenience.
S upport
Supporters of the Terry Sanford-Leo Jenkins presidential and vice-presidential ticket will hold a meeting Thursday night at the telephone booth at the comer of the mal! by Cotton
Who gives a??
if you don't care for reading dirty, rotten and even filthy lies.—if you don't care for obscenities or the raw facts—if you only seek the truth—THEN STOP RIGHT HEAR. But, if the Congressional Quarterly is your favorite paperback and you dig the Watergate scandal, Teapot Some and ‘if you thirf& Clifford Irving was’ just another misunderstood Truman Capote, then by all means proceed. But, then, you paid for it so who gives a damn what you think.
Remember??
How many students at ECU (on the five-year plan) remember the campus dog “No-Nose’’?
How many graduating seniors can remember the name of their Library Science teacher? For that matter, how many sophomores can remember their Library Science teacher?
What??
Beginning Feb. 16 the Animal Control began enforcing the city ordinance requiring dogs to have city tag rabies tags, and a health card with pawprint identification


Hey Gete
I


CONTENTS
Page 2 WILL SHERMAN REACH THE SEA? Page 3 CAL LINCOLN SAVE THE UNION?
Page 4 CAN NIXON DO A BETTER JOB ON THE SOUTH THAN SHERMAN?
Page 5 WHO THE HELL CARES?
Page 6 INDEPTH LOOK AT N.C.’S TWO U.S. SENATORS
Page 7 JOE GANNON TO BE NAMED ECU MED SCHOOL DEAN Page 8 EDITORIAL SUPPORTING PROHIBITION
Page 9 FIRST BORDELLO TO OPON ON CAMPUS
Page 10 REVEALING PHOTOS OF LINDA LOVELACE WITH A MOUTH ULL
Page 11 TAX REBATE SCHEDULE FOR PEOPLE WITH INCOMES OVER
$100,000 Page 12 ALICE KNOWS ALL¢GOR AT LEAST SHE THINKS SHE DOES Page 13 NOTHING WORTH READING
Page 14 EXPOSE ON ATHLETIC SUPPORTERS Page 15 JOCK RASH REVEALED Page 16 OFF THE MARK—WAY OFF


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FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975 3

AP AE A EAPO he A NEES OI

77?
Calder coup ??:
in a dynamic coup staged here
today, Joseph Calder ousted the newly elected (?) SGA president, Jim Honeycutt and his entire cabinet. Calder cited election peculiarities” as his reason for he COUP Early this moming Calder and his staunch men surrounded Mendenhall Student Center. Dean Alexander shouting, Throw out the students!” led the attack on the building. Barricaded inside, Honeycutt and his followers flung words out the window in a vain attempt to beat back the onslought. This tactic proved to be the fatal flaw in Honeycutt’s defense strategy, for it is a well known fact that Calder neither understands nor cares about words. Alexander, however, was wounded by three obscenities and was rushed to the infirmary, where he died three hours later of massive healing.
Meanwhile, Calder gained entrance to the building, and Honeycutt et al were unceremoniously towed away. To secure their position Calder and his men placed three thousand no parking signs around the building. Periodically, some of the braver souls in Calder’s command raided the nearby parking lots, towing every car in sight
Calder quickly established what he termed an “interim government” and called a press conference. At the press conference Calder apoeared wearing a
Book sale
Joyner Library officials announced Tuesday plans for a campus-wide auction of surplus books on April 15.
Rather than fool around with ré-ciassifying all these books into the Library of Congress system, we've decided (0 Sell out most of our stock and buy new books with the proceeds,” said Phil Fridrick, SGA Library Co-ordinator. We're also thinking about converting the new annex into a dance hail.”
Library officials said they hoped to alleviate the problem of students having to spend so much of their time at the library oy Selling first those books most in Gemand. Plans to seil the Xerox machines are aiso under consideration.
‘Heckfire, we might even consider Selling the carreis if we can find a high enough bidder,” said Mrs. May I, Help, Nead Hbrarian. “In fact, the bookstore is Considering buying out the library at 14 COS! and selling it for 12.”
Student reaction to the auction plans was diversified.
Never use the library anyway,” said “"Orick. “I never have time. I'm too busy ‘eading my class assignments to do any OUtSide reading.”
think that would be a crappy idea,” “aid Dewey Decimal, a library science “ajor “Why don’t they sell Mendenhall ‘'st@ad? Nobody ever uses that, either.” ‘INK it would be a lovely idea,” said ower Child. “I think everything would be 'Ovely idea. even think that might be a »vely idea. But then, lovely ideas don't
YTOW On trees, you know, even if the trees are lovely "”

racoon skin coat and carrying a ukulele. He announced that his title was to be “the Furer’ in honor of his coat. He also announced that ECU was to be renamed in his honor, “Joseph College”.
In response to a question conceming his reasons for the coup, Calder said, “Election peculiarities—Honeycutt and his Staff carried on the campaign in a half-ass manner. We have confirmed reports that only one of his workers was stuffing the ballot boxes. That is what call a shoddy effort. You've got to have all your people in there stuffing.”
Calder went on to say that Honeycutt, Brown, CHesson, and Kennedy would be punished by revocation of their preregistration. The sad foursome were thus doomed to the drop-add line.
During the news conference, Caider was informed of Alexander's death. Visib- ly shaken, he ordered the building renamed Alexander Union, and in of the late Dean, barred students from the building.
Finally, Calder was asked if his administration had formulated any specific goals for Joseph College. “I'd like to see an increase in the number of campus police. My men are hard pressed to patrol the floors of the women’s dorms as it is. I'd like to see at least one or two officers for every floor. We have to keep things moral you know.”
In his concluding statement Calder reported that his government had just authorized the use of student funds to purchase $475,000.00 worth of lights for the campus police cars. “ like to watch them whirl around,” he said.

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FOR HIGH SCHOOL SENIORS
t i Parody of all attractions at ECU List of bands stamped cancelled. : 4 i i i J
Lottery of when Eagles will cancel
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FOUNTAINHEAD VOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL1975


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Worried? Frustrated? Life have you troubled? Do you need heip with some personal or private problem? Then let Alice butt into your life and give you some direction and
advice. Send your inquines to “Go Ask Alice”, co Wonderland, USA. 00000
Dear Alice:
am a 29 year old coed who is very lonely. All of the other girls in my dorm are always having a good time, but they never inciude me in their fun. My roommate always locks me out of the room, and everyone ignores me when try to be funny, like beiching loudly
at dorm meetings. The guys avoid me too. realize have some physical
disadvantages: I'm 4’ tail, weigh 345 Ibs have a rather large wart on my forehead, and
wear combat boots to hide my skinny ankles. Still, think have a lot to offer someone.
want to give my body to some one desperately. As a matter of fact I'm going crazy up
here on the tenth floor of Tyler. Can you suggest anything?
Signed, Homey Helen
Dear Horr
Don't do anything rash dear, (like go out in public). As for wanting to give your body away. might suggest the Saivation Army, or Good Will Industries. (they do wonderful work with discarded junk). I'd suggest having a key made to the dorm in case they try to Ock yOu Out, and move to the top floor, or the basement, so the girls there won't hate you ‘or scaring off their dates. One final word of caution: the dog-catcher is very active around Campus, you might want to register yourself with the City, just in case
Dear Alice:
Thanks alot for the crummy advice! When wrote you about a girl wanted to meet desperately, who is very different from me, you advised me to Change my lifestyle and go after her at ali costs. Well all it cost me was a ruined sex life and three weeks in the hospital, cause when strutted up to her decked out in my platform heels wearing my “SoulTrain” “T” shirt and sayd, “Hey sistuh, let's split this place, and go get it on,” she tumed around and said “stupid honkey!” kicked me 'n the crotch, and walked out of my
life forever. Now here am lonely again, hating your bloddy guts! What do ya say to that you screwy old broad?
Signed Sore below the border Dear Sore
Have you ever met a girl named Helen who lives on the tenth floor of Tyler Dorm? She's really very interesting
Continued from page one.

after some other elected post besides the governor's office
Jenkins is known to be partial to white hats and might be out to try and unseat N.C Agriculture Commissioner Jim Graham. Other speculate that Jenkins, who also likes barn rats, might also try and take on Secretary of State Thad Eure, refuted to be the oldest rat in the Democratic barn
But, our source admitted that the Jenkins campaign has already gotten into
trouble in the Greenville area
One local Greenville merchant, who has been a big ECU contributor and who is expected to help oil the Jenkins campaign machine, is reportediy miffed that the Jenkins party had cokes at their dinner meeting instead of the other leading soft drink
And, another merchant is upset that the meeting was held at McDonaid’s instead of the other well known eating place next door
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FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975 5



Off The Cuff
dy ORAL NORWOOD, U.S. Senaturd from N.C.
Note: Mr. Norwood is 8 guest columnist in this week's “Off the Cuff”. He is currently serving as chairman of the Congressional sub committee looking into American morality, and is the past editorial director of a television station. He now spends his time communting between Washington and Analia, N.C where he resides with his mule Etheired, and his pet wife, Hormel.
“SAVING AMERICA FROM THE PINK PEOPLE”
A couple of days ago was very surprised to receive a telephone cali from the FOUNTAINHEAD. was asked if would contribute to a special edition of the paper coming out. Today, would like to tell you something that you might not knowAmerica is going pink!
Yes indeed, this country is being quietly overrun by a conspiracy of “pinkos”. Why you might very well have a “pinko” in your own family. Your roommate might be a “pinko”, you never can tell until they cone out of the closet, they're sneaky bastards.
Who are “pinkos” you ask? Well, they are all those unamerican people we allow to run around free in this country. All those corruptors of the true spirit of Democracy and the American way. They are usually hard to spot, but they are everywhere. “Pinkos” have one basic similarity: they don’t look like Americans. They're usually foreigners, from New York or South Carolina. But, make no mistake, ANYONE can become a ‘pinko”
You might already be one yourself. Here's a little test I've devised so you can see how you stand up:
Answer either yes or no to the following:
(1) ls your favorite color pink?
(2) Do you take Pepto-Bismal often?
(3) Do you own any Pink Floyd albums?
(4) Don't you feel that Henry Kissinger is a “dirty kraut”?
(5) Does the name “Bella Abzug” sound like a filthy social disease?
(6) Have you ever had a filthy social disease? Have you ever had “Bella Abzug”’? (7) Do you take a shower and pray for forgiveness after sex?
(8) Do you intentionally fart during the playing of the National Anthem?
(10) When you go to the movies do you ever stay to see the “good scenes” again?
if you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are on the way to becoming a “pinko”. Soon you'll join the ranks of ali those chinks, wops, spicks, midgets, albinoes, communists, faggots, clubfoots, college professors, sex maniacs, spooks, pollocks, movie producers, perverts, musicians, punks, pornographers, short order cooks, child molesters, liberal senators, Democrats, flashers, hookers, pimps, and Methodists, who Nave pushed American morality to the dregs of humanity.
it is truly a shame to see what is going on in this country a now. Newspapers corrupting innocent minds with dirty, foul language. Who in the hei! do they think they are’ Young people using their bodies in mass fornication on the college campuses, smoking LSD, drinking themselves into oblivion, tell you it has got to stop, or this country is going to be completely pink when the Bi-centennial rolls around.
Are we gonna sit by and let these purveyors of pinkness get their way? Well, this fella ‘SN t. love this country right or left, and intend to do something about it very shortly: plan to have universities instate an “anti-pink pledge” to incoming freshmen at colleges ' North Carolina. So all you pink bastards better watch out Oral Norwood is a man who
SUNKS, er, sticks to his word.
Oh, Joe McCarthy where are when we need you most?


ECU will offer Graffiti
By JOHN WALLS Staff Writer
CU's English Department announced ight the inclusion of a ten credit hour semjnar entitiled “Scratological Graffiti” in next fall's curriculum.
Dr. Fuller Z. Crudd, a graduate of Sand Hill Institute of Technology, will instruct the multi-disciplinary course.
Crudd held a news conference in the first floor student's restroom of Austin Bidg. - the proposed classroom - to discuss the impact of this unique seminar.
“For too long has the lid been Kept tight on this creative outlet,” Commented Crudd.
“We will attempt to analyze the socio- environmental and physio-political ablutions of the various movements while maintaining the anonymity of those creative little stinkers behind them.”
Crudd, who did his doctorate thesis on
pe

.
' course for first time
the elimination of wasteful habits as related to commodal design in office buildings, felt confident the course would provide students a moving experience.
Although the bulwark of investigation will take place at choice locations on campus, Crudd noted there will be occasional field trips to fertile closets in area bars, military bases and truckstops.
“We will also have guest speakers such as Dr. Oder D. Merde (a renowned European scatologist) to bring an international flavor to the seminar,” Crudd said.

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6 FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975

at
&
BS 4.8


.
Chancellor Jenkins caught in the drunk tank of Pitt County jail trying to stand up, who despite his predicament was ail smiles. When asked about his outfit he candidly replied, ‘Weil the sneakers were a little too much.”
Students overlook the battered remains of Cotten Dorm where last Tuesday radical virgins barricaded themselves in protest with banners of Doris Day. A raging battle ensued when under the direction of ECU's Laurel and Hardy — Calder and Wiggins helicopters were called in to bomb Cotten with hard core nudist magazines borrowed from the collection of a well known chancellor. Quoting Wiggins who has evidently taken his battle plans from TV's S.W.A.T he remarked, “What we had here was a war on our hands.”
WECU Ramsey Lewis
Earth Wind and Fire “ RECORD RIOT :




i
A winner an hour. Call 758-6658. i -
ail
pre Way Students are to call anytime day or yOu
night to leave name address and id number per
¢ or Unsuspecting students in front of the C.U. Wednesday were rushed to Pitt Memorial N fo r d raw ing ° F irst 1O da y at ude mis to c all gai Hospital after being caught in the blast of the largest dog fart ever recorded on the East oni i the Coast measuring 6.2 on the Richter Scale. Mondo, the offending St. Bernard was said to in aibumea grind oe nave been humming, “Hold the pickles hold the lettuce ‘ LALA E A a PPE DAAPEAAEALTERLS APPEAR AAS LGA . - Wh SU NIEEREreeeneemmmeee a tg ie

FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975 7
PLAICE OLIN IA DAIL NU AID GNIS EN OTN LENT CUED ROSAS DOE OLLIE
aii ne TNR Aor O EAT ROSETTE I TCO N TE





Loyal typist Alice Leary poses with her new autoharp. Coming out of the closet after 23 years, she only had one rerpark, “It was hell getting up every morning at 4:00





This unique natural sculpture was dedicated to Dr. Jenkins last night by canine for all the heip the Good Doctor has given to Greenville's dog population. BON CHANCE!
—



a.m. and shaving.”
Jenkins
Dr. Jenkins told the gathering of Saudi
. Arabian students of his own “personal
sorrow” at the death of their monarch who
he said, “was a money hungry oi! hoarding camei humping son-of-abitch.”
King Faisal is expected to be
‘ succeeded by his brother, Crown Prince
“ ; Khaled Sultan Dixie Deluxe (2 for 25 cents).



adical battle Wns wed from an his n our Treasurer Bill Beckner grudgingly doles This picture captures ECU's AFROTC after their successful play, “General Doolitth New Mendenhall i a long excursion to Fire Goes to a Gay Bar.” Acting Colonel . Will Fukacommi ri a : Genhall promises the latest in Island, New York for the ECU Gay Lib saying. “What . ng » WHT Fu mmie (top, far left) was quoted as culinary delights ‘including doctor (far Society, two of whose biea little fun. right) for after dinner treatmeltt. with Beck “ som ner. A GRAVE MATTER: dead magazine (i.e. Life )? Dead People Are Cool You know that you are discriminating against the “Silent Majority”. know that By KILLER you'd rather be dead than to talk to a dead person, but just remember that unless you 'es I'm a@ racist. Yes, discriminate do something about the sick attitudes against the dead. Some of my best toward the dead people that you will be ®-triends are dead. really get pissed off treated just the same. How would you like . a' the way that dead people ignore it if someone only dropped by to see you ThurFri. ie hey refuse to live in my one time a year to give you flowers and ® & 'GNborhood, go to my church or let their said nothing to you? mean, this is a dS go to my schools. What right do they person that you used to live with, and (APRIL FOOL) ave to ostracise me? can't help it if I'm when you die you will have to live with “ve I'm not here to tell you about my them again. Why make them mad in the Prejudice. I'm here to help you overcome mean time? The next time you go to a 7OUrS. Now answer me truthfully. graveyard don't step on someone's grave. ° When did you last take out a dead You wouldn't like it if they were stepping 2 re 1 HT Ss u r. ee ri Person (since they've been dead) for dinner on your roof. You'd probably want to kill bd °F @ Car ride?, When was the last time you them. So, the next time you see a dead ° Said “Hj “ to a dead person? When was person, say “Hi. to he, she or it and ask Wi appy Hour Fri (he last time you offered a dead person he, she or it how it’s been lately. Wh Services (other than at his funeral)? hen was the last time you advertised in a pect ell



SR Re AS ITASCA AT HERS NTI I OI

8 FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975


Ediforials‘Commentary



cial
Out of the mouths
Complete and uncorrected
More than anything else college is a transition. And if understand the quotations correctly, that key lies in being able to adjust and “stabilize” an over-capacity enrollment.
Unless a driving student is willing to rise early and try to boat the rush, he will probably end up wailing in line, wasting gas and maybe even missing glasses. But during classes the animals meet in front of the old C.U. for a day of romping and tail chasing, yelping and mouching off the soft-hearted students trying to bunch between glasses. The cause was good, the workers sincere.
While on the topic on chosen officials; even though the words seem to go perfectly with each other when talking politics, unfortunately ‘chosen’ is not always the vest adjective to describe those who hold the reigns of pwere.
They chase frizbees on the mail, lay in the sunshine, huddle next to the buildings on brainy days. Like it or not, that is what we are. But all in all, we are ali Americais.
But what about the women who made the decision to carry out their pregnancy? Campus officials went along with the idea as far as to allow a week of free frolic. Then it was over, at least legally it was.
The campus police are really serious in cleaning up our traffic problems here. They are alert, squick and not above chasing a fleeing wrongdoer.
At this time of year the waik across the mail is an exceptionally vigorating one. The trees are beautifully dressed out, the air is crips and vital, the sun is encouragingly harm. Corner store soda pops and carrying your girl’s looks to school are little pleasures not forgotten. But for a time it was good to flip into the booth at Tate's Diner in Norton, Va
Chancellor Leo W. Jenkins joined the staff in saying velcome to ali visitors and a hearthy homecoming to all.
At any rate, may the personal bias they appear to hold for us be caste aside and covered in the dust of nom-progress we are finally beginning to shake from our heals.
Trivia, tricia, and repeat, ribit. The several exits could never accomodate ali the 5,500 panicing and stampeding crowd should a fire bread out. But what gave me such a surprise was the fact that they actually know what they are doing. Most likely this is true.
This is an unfortunate event.
But it hit last year, and with such impact that even the isolated utopian atmospheres of college campusses were visibly shaken.
For example, the ranchers in sheep herding states like Colorado, are crying for shepherds to tend their posturing flocks for the spring and summer moths. College decrees don't give much insurance against unemployment today.
But let's not hassel our higher-ups for imposing these tariffs of abomination upon us It is time to take a more responsible attitude now.
No one is forcing us to attend ECU. The “opowers that be” on campus claim otherwise. So, the administration ran out on its responsibility
Actually, it has become quite chronic of late. It's a sad day at ECU.
But w lets look at what we have here. While the nations were shocked and oid Chaos mocked, the people fell back in respair.
Now am going to leave you. Those of you who have been with me all year will no doubt recognize many of these well-known and far-blown errors and words. But let me leave these closing hords for you to ponder until next year’s Lampoon Head — Take a long book at the oid chimney sitting there beside the coai heap in its red red brick strength.

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—
Big time Sweepy
One of the least mentioned and seidom seen persons around is the chimney sweep. ECU's chimney sweep is no exception.
He is commonly known as “Sweepy” from snow white fame but his real name is Sneezy Heights.
As a boy he loved to climb trees with a broom, but now setties for climbing chimneys with a broom.
He got his nickname when one day his mother found him sleeping in the fireplace.
“ was coal and was sweepy, mommy.” And the name stuck.
He became interested in chimney's also a8 a young boy after watching Santa Clause make a quick exit after he woke up suddenly in response to Santa's sneazing.
“I thought someone was calling me so went up to investigate. When saw his boots dangling, knew this was my calling.”
“My mother told me would be rising to greater heights, but could only guess at her meaning.”
“He always had a fascination for »ricks,” his mother said looking back at her son behind her.
“All wanted to do was find out what he wanted, so followed after him.”
“All remember about the scene was opening the vent, and watching all this cre fall as as climbing up.
it was then that realized this chimney is dirty. made it to the top and watched a sneezing man on a sied, brushing off his beard and clothes and saying, “Ho, ho, ho, clean your chimney.”
called out to his rising sled and said, “What did you want?” guess he didin't hear me, anyway, he said, “To all a goodnight and don't forget to brush your chimney.”
Now Sweepy has hit the big time, he cleans all the chimneys at ECU but has found himself out of work and for good reason, he joined the Local Chimney

Sweeps Union. They went out on strike for higher ladders. They say it's hard getting halfway up a chimney carrying your tools and then have to make like a human fly the rest of the way. We want this in ou contract. The human fly union has insurance for picking themselves up after they fall down on the job. We want this Clause in our contract as we were! trained to be flys.”
Sweepy left us on this point of interest, “ once trained a cow to clean chimneys, but my mother made me sei! her for a couple of magic beans.”

Fountainhead “Do you know because tell! you so, of 0 you know” Gertrude Stein Editor-in-Chief Diane Taylor Managing EditorSydney Green Business Manager Dave Engiert Circulation Manager Dennis Deweon Ad Manager Jackle Shalicross Co-News EditorsBetty Hatch Mike Taylor Asst. News EditorsTom Tozer
FOUNTAINHEAD is the student news paper of East Carolina University ane appears each Tussday and Thursday the school year.
sdoreas: Box 2516 ECU Station.



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FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975 °
OG OPIOIDS IASI SDSS DAIS BPSD NSD OIE

Attention
FOUNTAINHEAD invites ali readers to extinguish their opinions in the Bore’em. Letters and otherwise should not be signed by their authors; names will be assigned upon receipt. Unsigned ed- itorials on this page and on the editorial page deflect the opiates of the editor, and are never those of the staff.
FOUNTAINHEAD reserves the fight to
only in proportion to its automony.
Toed again
To Fountainhead :
On Thursday, April 4, was visiting your campus to check on a teaching position next year. When returned to my car, found it had been towed, and that my wife and child had been placed in the Greenville dog pound. When went to get my car, found that the garage owner wanted $20.00, payable only in gold bullion. When went to get my wife and child, found that they had been soid to the ECU Biology Dept. for experiments.
When went to see Mr. Caider of the traffic dept. to complain, found him sitting at his desk with the waste basket over his head, shooting flies off the ceiling with his revolver. When told him who was, he addressed me in Roto-Rooter Breath and wneeled me out of his office in a hand cart.
really think you should investigate this
Signed, Henry Cabot Lodge
Ha ha
Dear Fountainhead :
used to read “National Lampoon”, but the Student Government page on the front of your March 18 issue was so funny laughed my earth shoes off.
Keep up the good work, Peace and love, Cari,
Jimmy, and Connie
Pauvre
To Fountainhead :
To the person who stole the 4 legs from
ay, 009: want it back. He can't run und anymore.
The Germ
TheBore ‘em
Calomorphic
To Fountainhead :
Dear Mom:
have decided to end it all because you never really loved me, did you?
Goodbye forever, Sigmund Freud
Tsk!
To Fountainhead :
is this an example of how student funds are wasted? Is this really in good taste? think that you have really gone too far, and all the editors should resign as a result of all the shame this issue should bring on ECU.
Furthermore, if this ever happens again, the FOUNTAINHEAD should be stopped and the money used for lights over the lovers- lane at 5th St. Park.
Red sails
Dear Waterfountain :
Do any of you guys know where can get a copy of “Red Sails in the Sunset” by Tab Hunter? want the single, not the album. Please don't get confused. Please print this incase anyone out there knows where can procure a copy. My girlfriend's birthday is coming up and want to
surprize her.

Nonsense revisited
Dear Fountainhead :
How's everybody up there on the third floor? Give my regards to what people in the business call “newspapers”. This letter is in regards to a letter in the previous issue.
The letter stated that there is an optimistic feeling spreading around campus about the April Fool's issue and classes next fall.
The seniors are graduating who want to be reminded about classes in the fail after you've already graduated, right? For myself, wouldn't.
Coming back to the pre-registration issue there was an article in today’s issue about the success of the issue. Who cares? Who wants to worry about fall class in the summer? For myself, wouldn't.
The incoming freshmen are going to be bewildered, puzzeled, dazed and confused about their classes for next fall. They won't even see the April Fool's issue, today’s lampoon edition, or this letter unless they come up to. the FOUNTAINHEAD office.
How are we going to keep them from climbing the stairs and becoming aware of campus events? For myself, wouldn't.
There is another optimistic feeling going around that there will be easy teachers. This leads to the false conciusions that “school’s a drag” and “you don't have to do any work to pass.”
You have to study your ass off uniess you're a freshman. concede there’s hope for new blood on campus even if they are freshmen. Maybe we all should go back to the past and become freshmen once again. guess it would mean, in the

process, failing ail the courses we took, to be endowed with freshman status. The ultimate conciusion of this would be that everyone could be optimistic, hopeful, and run around happy about being bewlidered freshmen.
Maybe next fali we'll see a mass Change in class status and the class of 1980 the largest and most optimistic graduating class in ECU's history, or maybe they won't graduate at ail.
Pat Flynn
Problem
To Fountainhead :
have just met a beautiful young girl whom wani to marry. But, there are some things need to tell her. My father is wanted for murder, my mother runs a still, my older brother is a pusher, and my sister is a prostitute, my younger brother goes to Carolina at Chapel Hill.
The problem is, should tell my
lady-fair that my younger brother goes to Carolina!
Signed, Eustace Tilly

FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975






Chance meeting between President Ford (left rag) and Chance akeup) tO diSCuSS eCONOMIC policy A spy B. Pat O'Maile ted that “The usual bullshit went noney, Backstabbing, and ex

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FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975
en ecansmnancaenentnah aennmandincnenamnnindnamenantadnnmmamnnntinndtaettatndin carat a ena TA
Chancellor statute just another mall eyesore





: ili Nave ¢ tatue 1976 a statute of Chancellor ts pape 4 ts af ait W Sta adder i as a rem 4 4 spring of jen 4 4 Ser i Statue wi 4 4 gt Jea rease in student fees’ Fina Wellington B. Gray. This would qive atu gt i i i a r the aliat ay be a oe . ASe0 ve a finet 4 te t 1 lent i “ be easier to sex mex f a bette 71 t lave ° “ie, Noo! i 4 4 node! » Affa f yU Le) ecer e O - ae . ret Alta 4 pe lat ey la! o . P as f i af ar: @w yr Kiar i ot

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2 FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975

senate tntincintaemantnieasmmamnanumpnmnaiemamante stat amameatndincinccntttatint tates tint teen IRAN tatiana Student fees to be decreased next fal
beneath the windows of Austin building around Spring quarter
Also included is an expensive and elaborate lighting system along the railroad tracks across Tenth Street, behind Joyner Library and Green Dormitory for the protection of freshman male students having unlimited hours. (It has already been reported that one such male was attacked and brutally raped by an unidentified creature bearing inch-long fingernails, five-inch platform shoes and a “free Inez Garcia’ button along the right boob.)
The increase in student fees will also fund extra toilet paper on weekends in all
Head characters at
Continued from page one.
By ELENAH DARWOOD Staff Writer
Another increase in fees for ECU students in the Fall of 1975 was announced by the Administration recently
An increase of $14.99 each quarter will fund various items deemed “necessary” by the Administration. They decided that the past fee increase of $15 was a bit too much
Included for funding are window paddings for professors to use to alleviate excessive noise from the cranking and operating of lawn mowers especially
her bustling enthusiasms) are her sincerity and congenality. It is literally impossible to make Sydney mad. Every paper should have one (or two) like Sydney('s)
Moving to the news desk one finds Betty Hatch. (Or Betty Hatch willfind you.) Betty, like Sydney, is a real go-getter, so we send her for coffee whenever possible Consciencious, and perceptive she is on top of all that happens at ECU, )she prefers the top), and gathers the news in and distributes it with a gusto that reaches right out and grabs you, (in a sensitive spot). She likes plants, Zero bars, and mennot necessarily in that order
MIKE TAYLOR, the other news editor, is relatively new to the staff. He usec to be in the SGA, but we don't hoid it against him. Mike is a whiz at sorting through ail of that political jargon and transiating into newspaper jargon, which you read in the paper Mike is one of the two only married staff members so he exudes somewhat of a paternal influence around the paper, for no other staff members are allowed to have relations at the office
TOM TOZER and PATSY HINTON are assistant news editors. Like Mike they are new to the staff, but competent and talented and ready for any challenge. Tom's, at the moment, happens to be Betty Hatch, and Patsy's her new Mark Eden Bust Developer which came in the mail last week
The Features Editor, JIM DODSON, is rumored to be terminally insane. A “high potential, low achiever,” he is one who is dedicated to ihe philosophy that his grasp should never exceed her backside, being a man with an affinity for a rear view of life. He approaches his job Casually, can be considerate when the occasion rises, and a regular revolving son of a bitch when it doesn't. (And that's a son-of-abitch anyway you look at it.) “Dob” likes books, broads, and bread, and in the office “Exacto” champ.
JOHN EVANS, the Sports Editor, is the only genuine yankee on the staff. He strives to stay on top of the sports worid, as well as the female staff members. He wears a Striped shirt with a whistle around his neck so he is ready for the action at any time. His column, “Timeout” is widely read from one end of the campus to the other
BRANDON TISE, the Reviews Editor, is a fellow who believes that the future is tomorrow, so he pursues his work diligently, and hopes that one day some publisher will read Nis outstanding review of Charlotte’s Web, and offer him a job. On the surface he appears to be viceless; he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, and he doesn't. But we all know Brandon for what he really isa do nothing, yet he does have a good side to him,
(his left), and it's rumored that he knows Agamemnon Schliemann personallya real distinction

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several hundred persons were wearing Sunglasses at the last the blinding glare
Meanwhile, a massive fund-raisi drive was recently undertaken by Studer in an effort to counteract the increta scheduled for Fall Quarter, 1975
They include a peep show
Cam
where students can take Pot shots mi professors of their choice for $1 per head
student dormitories. Aliso, extra stools are needed in the bathrooms marked “Faculty” since there has been either an increase in the number of faculty members using the bathrooms or an increase in the number of students unable to read at ECU
NOE to be GAME due tp
Extra funds are also needed, the Administration claims, to repair damage done to Ficklen Stadium following the last fee hike. Janitors reported seeing Or anything elise They have al obscenities scribbled on the bieachers collected thousands of dollars toward the there goal
However, there was reportedly, a The booth marked Chancellor” decrease in the number of couples caught however, will cost $5 per shot. and the one in compromising positions due to marked “administrative officials” will be increased lighting at Ficklen Stadium. But free for all.
a glance
Advertising Manager, JACKIE SHALLCROSS, is a bit like Brandon. Othe Surface she appears to have no vices. No one has yet discerned exactly what she means when she Says “the best way to keep an ad salesman is to keep him satisfied”. Anytime one of the other editors has a lot of white space on his pages, Jackie is always there with an ad to pluck in just in time. Quick with a smile, or a siap in the face (if your name happens to be Bob Braxton), she is one of the “old-timers” at the paperwho just keeps on plucking
DAVE ENGLERT, Business Manager, has turned into a recluse around the office Oh. he is very competent and handies the books magnificently. It's just that when ever you really need to talk to him he's locked in his office doing “God knows what”. In ail fairness, we must conceed that Dave is in love, and after all it is spring, BUT remember what we said Dave, “NO RELATIONS ALLOWED IN THE OFFICE.”
JANET POPE, is our skilled layout person. In fact she lays out about once every two weeks. An artist of notable repute she was also one of the assistant managers on the basketball team this year. A real athletic supporter. For relaxation she plays the accordian, and has a pet monkey named, Max, who follows her around on a leash. It works Out quite nicely because, with the economic situation being what it is she’s always ready to make a quic kK, she just GONS her sun glasses and tin cup, sits down on the corner with her accordian and is ready to go.
Last, at least, we have our loyal typist, ALICE LEARY. Alice is really an “old timer’ having been on the staff for a couple of years. She is the other married staff member, and brings a maternal influence to the paper. It is to Alice that everyone eventually
comes with their problems. She's an excellent listener. She has rather large ears, and is always ready with some bit of sound advice. Talking to Alice is more wonderful than being with your “personal banker’, and cheaper. She plays the autoharp and is leaming to yodel like Tammy Wynette. On any given day you can hear her howling away in her little room as the punches the keys diligently, “Who in the —& wrote this ?& f piece of t!”
SO aS you Can see, the staff is very diverse. Now is we could just have that miracle.

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4 FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975
SORENTO IIS ICIS IO NT ORIN ats,

By BUNNY MUCKENFUZZ
Sid is like any other Campus SID in that he is at the beck and call, or, if you prefer mercy f every coach in the Campus
Athietic Department. That's because Sid s the Sports Intormation Director, and his jay usually starts in some fashion like today, when he has a9 am. appointment vith the campus football coach
And this business of putting out rosters about our team with uniform numbers has got to stop!” the head football coach bellowed. “Don’t you know there are Communist spies that infiltrate the news media? Don't you know there are enemy scoutS disguised as program fistributors who are waiting to do terrible things with our roster?
But Mr. Big Footbail Coach, only wanted t
Don't tell me what you wanted to do, boy. know what's good for the program, KNOW what's good for me and whatever is jood for me and the program is good for me and you. And don't you forget it!
Typical one-way conversation leaves Sid wondering why he left his job as a button sewer in the home town shirt factory, but in keeping with University policy regarding problems, he mutters,
Maybe if close my eyes it will go away” and ieaves Sid returns to his office, eager to jispense with the daily quota of expense reports, network proposals, and idiotic telephone calis. He doesn't have long to wait, ether
Can you tell me where to reserve a handball! court?
Sir, we work under the Department of Athietics and we have
KNOW what department you are in and Know this is Sports Information. Don't you know where can reserve a handball court?’
See, that number is 6441, so would you
Why don't you connect me. You don't have anything else to do.”
Nothing but answer stupid calls.” SLAM
Sid, now peeved again about the sign on his door that says “Sports Information” and not “Athletic Publicity” or “Broom Closet” simmers with rage. That subsides momentarily, as the phone rings again
Sir, pardon me, but do you know where the Pittsburgh Pirates are playing tonight
No, sir, suggest you cail
This is Pirate Sports Information, isn't it? What the hell is wrong with you anyway?’ SLAM!
The score now bing deadlocked 1-1 on telephone siams, Sid continues with his work when Steve Scuba, noted swimming coacn, enters
What is wrong with this place anyway? Why weren't records No. 689-987 as broken last week in the Campus. immaculata Swimming meet listed in the Pirate News Letter this week?

Coach, we had 17 additional varsity sports going on those days, and you said you would call the results yourself to the newspapers, but you didn't. With my staff of one dwarf, a nine-fingered typist and Jonah’s cousin, didn't have the time to research the Library of Swimming Catalogue (not to be confused with the Library of CongressEd.) and see what the records for non-stop towel twirling were.”
‘Look, understand your problem, but want to upgrade my program the best way can
Fine, so if you want to do that, then heip me upgrade my program because everything do is directly reiated to what you do.
Mumpbling something about “these
of —&&& —t publicity men they get ous
of college these days’ Scuba leaves.
Seeing now that it is 12 noon, and he has not eaten breakfast due to indigestion from the night before, Sid departs in company of the track, soccer, basketbal and club parchessi coaches
Before leaving, though, he apprehends basket bal! coach and deftly swipes current newspaper out of back pocket, having recognized it to be the same paper swiped from his own office only minutes prior
Lunch is entirely uneventful, except for the bow! of soup the waitress spills on, yes, you guessed it, Sid's lap. Undaunted, and too embarrassed to scream because of the searing pain, Sid return with comrades to work
Awaiting Sid on his retum is a call to return to Poisom-Pen Puccinni, local sports writer, who is awaiting an in depth feature story on the club parchessi team, as well as scores from last night's womens tag-team Monopoly game
“Did she really land on Marvin Gardens with the other tearm still there and have to pay rent?” asks Puccinni. “And wnat about the club parchessi tearm? Is it true they have gone 45 consecutive matches, but are necessary for the Ciod’s Cup, as handed out by the conference?”


EAST CAROLINA'S QUARTIB BACK is about to drop
Sid informs Puccini that the results are not available due to mechanical difficulties encountered in the computer racking up parchessi scores. Poison Pen, though, continues about his business, reminding Sid who “the only paper in town is, so don't be a wise guy.”
Sid finds another call-back note, this one to the station manager of HIK-AM, a Station laying outside the city limits but with a manager vocal enough to cover the entire city
“Where are my complimentary football tickets?”
“But sir, we do not have football tickets for next year’
“What do you mean next year, want tickets for 1979 and not next year! am your news media and expect to be wined and dined, fed by every one at the Carnpus or will say dirty things about you on the air. Or, better yet, will say nothing at all and we will watch your popularity status fail.”
“But sir, you will be mailed your tickets, for you and ali your family for three generations henceforth.”
“Maiied? What is this mailed? You mean they will not be personally delivered by a messenger in a horse-drawn carriage?”
“I'm sorry, sir, but
“Don't but, don’t but me!” SLAM!
Now down 2-1, begins to be a little on the wary side in terms of answering more telephone calis. He orders telephone nipped out of the wall, but is told by nine-fingered secretary that the telephones were ripped out of the fieldhouse last week and the Sports Information Office wasn't through paying for those bills yet
Sid, at 3 pm receives a visitor, a graduate student wishing to do a thesis on the function of an athletic department on campus. Sid and the student run into a minor problem: they can't find anyone with an answer
E.F. Hutton.

everything atter overhearing a fan's comments concemning
ee,
AdayinthelifeofSID -
All is well for Sid and his studeny aSsistants for approximately one hour unti a horrifying scream resounds through the
building
“WE HAVE TO GET A RE EASE Outi’
Quivering with fear. the Student began the long toll of writing Stories and somewhere in their pointed little “an the memory of Marvin lingers '
Marvin was a student assistant at one time, and he did the impossible One day Such as this: he asked a question. That js a No-no, because students are to be seen and not heard
“Sid, why don't we work on the release earlier in the day, then we won't have to scrape and work ourselves into ulcers to get it Out by mailing time
Sensing the brevity of the situation, in that he did not have an answer, Sid fired Marvin, and that fear lingers with ail remaining helpers today
Two hours later, exhausted but undaunted, the staff mai!s another release
And Sid, after returning to his office, contemplates to good life: One in which he puts in his eight hours per day and goes home, worry free. But Sid decides he has made the right decision and, unlike the 15 predecessors, in confident of his staying power at the Campus
The telephone’s insistent ring wakes him from a deep sleep. He is stil! seated at his desk, and when he jooks at the sunlight filtering through the window and the secretary scurrying down the hall outside, Sid realizes he fel! asleep on the job and would be drawn and quartered if anyone really knew why
“Let me get my thoughts together,” Sid mumbles to himself. ‘But first better got the telephone.”
“Can you tell me where to reserve a handball court.”
The Campus Athietic Department will never see Sid again. But that is little wonder, for they have lost eight in the last
eight years

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FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL al 5

SOME TIMES there is only one way to ward off a rapist. Here — Clinic on self-defense in Minges Coliseum.
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FOLLOW THAT RUNNER shouts ECUhead football coach Pat Dye as an East Carolina lineman picks up a tumble and heads toward the N.C. State end zone.
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FOUNTAINHEADVOL. 6, NO. 433 APRIL 1975 3


Cheerleaders aid» Fe






. Time-out ECU Lacrosse team — Jones, 26-10, 300 poy ff f for the Swahili pr Pretest ; Loc ECU's head lacrosse coach, None N fectionately E Epes oistiiess ‘ referred to by his tea Mates a By E.J. PENHALL Existence, announced today the signing o “Superman” as t East Swahjli High's Neanderthal Jones to a The coach of the Chu: a WOULD YOU BELIEVE four-year Grant-in-Aid comment on Jones’ nickname except ee Existence, when questioned what the say he was “one hell of a stud mat DICK ALLEN agreed to come to terms and play with the Atlanta Braves basebal! teary four-vear scholarship would do to the came to entertaining “eae eal 4 : this season provided the Braves move their stadium to midtown Philadelphia and char tearn’s athletic budget remarked, “it is jones. on lor oo Sites eae we ‘ the name to the Black Sox ‘ about time the cheerleaders did something first scholarship player for the pre ne i ALLEN also agreed to play every alternate Thursday provided it does not conflict wit to promote minor sports on campus, and team since its rebirth six monte tn f ‘ the Sugger's Sealy CESS Prare at $25 a shot, the girls should provide uS now tina: : eee with enough money to go to the Existence announced that “with g itl Nationals.” funding and the girls’ help” East Carolite aS When it was pointed out to Existence could become a “powerhouse in the BILL WALTON today announced for the fifth time that he is quitting professional that no schedule had, as of yet, been made Southeast basketbal saying that he doesn't get the “high-flying” feeling he used to up for the team he said, “Well, one thing is The ECU eticiomen plaves an exhnes WALTON has been sidelined from the Portland NBA club for three months following for sure, if we do not play anyone, then quve Stirdny deneine os ‘ ree an overdose of wheat gern we'll finished the season with an unbeaten to the same River Flooded ‘eam that - “on record. defeated the Tar River Estates team one The policy for NCAA National month ago ee qualifying is that any seasonally Existence commented. “We have a BOBBY RIGGS today announced his intentions to compete against girl scout troop undeteated team automatically receives a good effort despite the fact that sida 4333 of Pasadena, California in a cookie-selling contest, with the winner getting all they bid to the tournament, so it would appear play only six players against thei an hold of Chocolate Chip cookies that the Lacrosse team stands a good regulation sciatic Shean RIGGS said he is undertaking the contest to prove there is more to cookie selling chance to qualify for the NCAA's than crumbs MUHAMMED AL! announced his next title opponent in a news conference yesterday, Beepo, the boxing kangaroo Said AL! the worid champion, “There is no human alive today who can beat me, so ti Lik after ail thought 'd give the animals a chance 4 3 AVID THOMPSON tocay said he would refuse to play for the New York Knicks basketbal team, citing the main reason as the Knicks’ Madison Square Garden home ant see playing in a losers place the rest of my career, so thought would take acrobatics and get a job with the circus.’ iM BROWN, former pro football great and now a film star, today remarked on why he Keo the movie industry sO much Aili during my career, was always getting beat on and never had a chance to make e body contact on my own. But, in the movies get all the body contact need and don't need to wear ai! that useless equipment HOWARD COSELL, ABC Sports Commentator and star of MONDAY NIGHT AT THE MOUTH, was silenced today when a group of Houston football fans stole the mentators false teeth We: Said the group s leader Si Lentforever, “We've been planning this job for a long time, be it we finally got Cosel! to get that mike out of his (expletive deleted) to 4NOLD NOGO was unsuccessful his unaccompanied attempt to swim the English hanne today when he came up short of air about 3 miles short of the French coast NOGO, whose lungs are Delieved to have given out on the way GOWN, was UNnavailabie omment EFTY DRIESELL, the University of Maryland's head basketball coach, has decided to a jO into the chair manufacturing business OREISELL, who said he got the idea during the ACC basketball Championships, e stated “During the championships noticed the need for less rigid aluminum chairs to encompass the courtsides at Dasketbali games. have plans to build an easily : Ollapsabie chair for practicing, with a new streamline version for game situations Oar Monday ALABAMA recently announced Linda Lovelace as the new head football! coach, 'OUr-ye replacing Bear Bryant The reason given by an official was that “she doesn’t choke on the big ones.” : A tim THIS IS THE REAL CLARENCE STASAVICH caught in a to See if pose after coming out of a recent meeting of the ECU rh Athletic Council on the subject of old age benefits.
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