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UESTIONS FOR THOSE WHO KNOW
IEXACTLY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
. How many pancakes does an Irish
wolfhound eat in Siberia when an old man
in Northern Borneo eats 8 prunes an hour,
and how does this affect the weather in
Greenville?
2. What color are the eyes of a Muscovy
Duck having an epileptic fit?
3. What are the effects of an Acetate
footwash on the simple and average
Mongoloid?
4. List the octaves a male Yak can hit In
heat?
5. How many Spaniards can fit in the
average New Guinean John?
6. How long does it take for a 8 ounce beer
mug to sink to the bottom of an 10 gal.
keg?
7. When is the simple little honey bee the
most promiscuous?
8. Why are crabs allowed to live?
9. Explain in 5 typed pages why an acorn
is bald.
10. Why doesn't a centipede have
webbed feet?
11. Howlongarethetoenailsof an 87 year
old woman who has eaten nothing but
licorice and strawberries for 101.367 days?
12. How long does the first burp of a baby
wombat last?
a) 4 sec b) 6 min; c) 37 secd.) all of
the above
13. What does an Ojibwa say when falling
down a mountain?
Mi
14. Where are the decendents of Stanhope
Pinkney Anthony? a) Rigt here writing
this; b.) all of the above
15. What are the effects of molasses on a
silverfish? and does this result in an
limited gene pool? Be brief but to the
point.
16. What is the average length of the
common American wart? (Drawings and
illustrations acceptable)
17. When does menopause occue in a
shrew?
18. Should an irate camel use listerene
even though it tastes bad?
19. In Autumn does the Spring lizard turn
into a callow fellow? (Answer directly
without fear of reprisals)
SGA votes to
fund ding-a-ling
By NASUS NAA NNIUQ
Staff Writer
Today the SGA Legislature voted not to
consider a bill to appropriate $6,000 to the
ding-a-ling fund. This fund would be
established to construct and operate a
mini-bell tower at the site of the old smoke
stack behind the campus laundry.
The legislators decided that these
funds should be appropriated from other
sources since the legislature should spend
money for the interest and needs of the
students.
The Speaker of the Legislature
announced that the legislators must wear
their name tags to distinguish them from
the interested students that frequently
crowd the legislature room to such a
degree that they are asked to stand
outside.
It was resolved that students should be
asked not to walk on the side of the streets
in which the drainholes are horizontally
perpendicular to the relative plane of the
road because bicycles will be riding on
that side of the street, but it was
suggested that the drainhole ; be painted
orange so that bicycle riders will be able to
distinguish them from road signs.
In other business of the legislature,
Anti Admin, Susie Soro, Fred Freak Out,
and Robert Rules were accepted as new
legislators.
Brick collision scores worker
(CPSZNS)-A man hired by a construc-
tion company was asked to fill out the
details of an accident that put him in the
hospital after less than an hour on the
job.
His job was simply to carry an excess
of bricks from the top of a two story
house down to the ground. This is his
meticulous report:
"Thinking I could save time, I rigged a
beam with a pulley at the top of the
house, and a rope leading to the
ground. I tied an empty barrel! on one
end of the rope, pulled it to the top of the
house, and then fastened the other end of
the rope to a tree. Going up to the top of
the house, I filled the barrel with bricks
"Then I went back down and
unfastened the rope to let the barrel
down. Unfortunately the barrel of bricks
was now heavier than I, and before I knew
mtmm mmmmmmmmnmmnm ?
what was happening, the barrel jerked me
up in the air. I hung onto the rope, and
halfway up I met the barrel coming down,
receiving a severe blow on the left
shoulder
"I then continued on up to the top,
banging my head on the beam and
jamming my fingers in the pulley
"When the barrel hit the ground, the
bottom burst, spilling the bricks. As I
was now heavier than the ban-el, I started
down at high speed. Halfway down I met
the empty barrel coming up, receiving
severe lacerations to my shins. When I hit
the ground, I landed on the bricks. At this
point, I must have become confused
because I let go of the rope. The barrel
came down, striking me on the head, and
I woke up in the hospital. I respectfully
request sick leave
e
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' ??
2
HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974
news
Bullmoos? callers
Cancellation
The Royal Order of Bullmoose Callers
of America and Canada will hold its annual
practice beginning 9 a.m. Saturday. The
meet will be held in the same field as last
year.
There will be food, fun and competition
calls for everyone. Special features again
this year will include: running the gamut
of maddened bullmooses (the jackpot has
grown to $1,853.42 due to the inability of
the last three year's winners to claim the
prize); bullmoose drag racing, the best
bullmoose caller and the always
challenging race for safety from the midst
of 10,000 bullmooses at the height of the
mating season.
All members are urged to attend and
bring necessary equipment. Fees must be
paid in advance to avoid collecting hassels
at the end of the day.
Y.U.L.A.
There will be a meeting of the Young
Underminers Laboratory of America at 1
a.m. Saturday behind Joyner Library. Top-
ic and target to be revealed later.
Need a job, clown?
Barnum and Bailey Circus, now taking
applications for summer jobs as elephant
washers, shovel and wheelbarrow
managers, tent pitchers, trapeeze
swingers, net weavers and animal
dieticians. Must have college education,
doctorates preferred. For application
forms and more information write Fred,
co Circus Storage Rd Lost Horizons,
Ariz. 00000.
Vengeance day
Fountainhead announces Vengeance
Day on which all disgruntled drama
persons can maul our reviewers who have
most irked them in the past seven
months. We are pleased to announce that
both of our reviewers recently celebrated
their fourth birthdays, are now learning to
read and write and were recently fitted with
glasses and hearing aids to correct several
def iciences. The only problem now is that
little Susie still has trouble differentiating
between a commercial art show and a
musical, and little George isn't tall enough
yet to see over the seats. This, too, shall
pass.
The Future Homemakers of America
will meet Friday afternoon in the C.U.
lobby. Topics of discussion will be "How
to subjugate and needlessly restrict
children at early ages to prepare them for
adult life America and "How to break up
marriages after the first two years
Refreshments will be served and the
public is invited to attend.
McKeel reached
In an unprecendented event, Pub Board
Chairman Bob McKeel was reached by a
Fountainhead staff member.
"It only took one ring of the telephone
said flabbergasted Fountainhead Business
Manager Rick Gil Ham. "And then I heard
Bob's voice say, 'Hello and we had a
conversation
McKeel, last seen in December of 1957,
was not available for comment.
Pasta leaders
A course in pasta making is being
offered for Russian majors in conjunction
with the Future Leaders of America
Symposium beginning in May. Dr.
Verushka Riggliottin, a native of Japan,
will instruct students on "How to find
Deeper Meaning through Pasta Making
All interested students are urged to sign
up at once as space is limited.
A schedule of Spring Quarter films to
be cancelled was announced Wednesday
by Student Union President Gibert
Kennedy.
"We want to make students aware of
what a good job the Union is doing said
Kennedy.
The film series includes Casablanca,
which will be cancelled April 8 because it
will be ordered in the wrong film size, and
Sounder which will be lost in the mail on
April 22. Both films have been scheduled
due to the overwhelming success of their
cancellations last quarter.
When asked to explain the mishap
when the Misfits was shown, Kennedy
replied, "it was the fault of our
distributor. He promised us the film
would be recalled. I guess the film's
unpopularity was the reason. It was not
the Union's fault
He plans to announce early next week a
schedule of concerts to be cancelled. The
concerts, which they plan to sell out and
then cancel the day before, include Sha Na
Na, the New Riders and Chic Corea.
The Union is presently negotiating with
the Weather Bureau. "We want to find out
when the next blizzard is going to be so we
can schedule an unknown jazz group
said Kennedy.
When asked if the Union plans to
cancel Short Circus, Cofferrock and
Coffree, Kennedy said, "We want to make
ECU students aware of what a good job the
Union is doing
Union non-existent Mummification
The Pop Concerts Committee has
cancelled the entire Student Union due to
the onset of Spring Quarter. All Union
employees are hereby non-existent, and
maintenance will rub out the whole Union
building with a giant ten-foot fun eraser
tomorrow evening. Be there.
Learn the secrets of the meditation
masters - Transcontinental Mummification
sessions will bring you the eternal bliss
known only to tiny bugs and ingesters of
Karo Syrup. Is God's real name
Harry? Film tonight, "Pray yourself to
Palm Beach 8:30 p.m.
LATE LAST THURSDAY night thieves
came to 2426 W. Main Street and made off
with an estimated 55 pounds of pot. The
owner, Ms. Virginia Renalds, immediately
notified the police but so far there have
been no leads in the bizarre burglary.
They agreed thaf it was a lot of pot but
admonished Ms. Renalds for leaving it
overnight on her front porch. Ms. Renalds
admits that she has little hope for its
recovery, but asks if by chance villains are
Fountainhead readers that they repent
and please return her cast-iron cooking
kettle. She will, upon its return, gladly
give the "borrower" a free quart of frozen
Brunswick stew which she made in the pot
last Fall. She can be reached at 359-1879.
LOST: A guacamole fish, last seen sailing
out over Jarvis and landing on a passing
Renaualt. If seen please contact Susie
Creamcheese. .
NOTICE: There will be a collection of all
"I Like Sonny Randle" buttons and pins In
front of Belk on Tuesday. Call 754-9873 or
contact Pat Dye.
FOR SALE: 27 half pairs of socks
unwashed. I'll make you an offer.
WANTED: 40 used shoestrings. Minimal
knots please. Contact Joe Calder.
LOST: One glass eye, blue & white. Re-
ward offered.
I WILL NOT BE responsible for any debts
incurred by myself after this time. L.L.
WANTED: Copy of the latest Playgirl
magazine - the one with Bill Bodenhamer
nude foldout. Will meet to bargain at 3
a.m. on corner of Fifth and Jarvis under
crescent moon on foggy night only. Will
trade mv picture of Mike Ertis dressed as
Mister fJreen Jeans.
FOR SALE: University. Used. Situated
near convenient trees and things. Com-
plete with Chancellor. If interested, just
shout.
APARTMENT$90 month. No girls, dogs,
tish, noise, late nights out or cars
permitted. No cooking, eating or drinking.
No appliances or messiness tolerated. No
visitors,
sphere.
Pub Board
Bankruptcy
PUBLICATIONS BOARD - members
needed, still have openings for two geeks,
one vegetarian, a token flamengo dancer,
two magic elves and an olive. Freddie the
Talking Gnat advises candidates to hop on
one pincer to SGA office to apply. The
Pub Board elects editors for football
tickets, paper napkins and the funny
designs on Union coke cups.
Editors must be either male or female,
bigger than a breadbox and a hot time on
layout night. Please recycle this ink.
Due to the expense of the transit
system, xerox machine and other things,
the SGA announces bankruptcy and
canellation of its planned April
banquet. To compensate for the cancell-
ation, those persons who had been invited
will receive one (1) finger sandwich and an
evelope of daquiri mix in the mail. Your
Student Fees At Work.
WHATpage one
ISpage two
GOINGpage three
ONpage four
HERE?page five
Just plain no. Homelike atmo-
LOST: One antique bone rib cage. Will
the jerk that stole it please return It to its
spot under the head. My damn heart-bird
has nowhere to perch except on my sleeve.
WANTED TO TRADE: A boy named Sue
for anything resembling the real
thing. Call Fred 758-5363.
WANTED: Ten pounds of peanut butter
and isolated banana plantation (at
discount prices) for 2 yr. medical
research on possible connections and side
effects of constipation in monkeys. Call
Dr. Uncom Fortable 8000-201-000, Zurich.
WANTED: Donations to Home for
Wayward Gerblls. Send to Dr. Know, P.O.
Box 007, Wyoming, Neb. No checks or
money orders please.
WANTED TO SELL: Sligh ,y used carrot
factory. Good location, equipment in
excellent shape, price good. Call 180-72516
(collect) ask for Florence.
LOST: 10,000 sheep, somewhere between
1,001 and 1,002. If seen please call Susie,
who cannot sleep without them. 222-1331.
LOST: A pair of spectacles. They were
lost by the stream. If found please return
to Hare, Bee, Kangaroo, or newt. Reward
offered.
CONNIE W. I love you madly and I wish
you a merry April 1.
morning a
dog food
Dog Cho
delivered 1
food woul
needs Jc
ownership,
eyes or wa
The ran
police depe
the Sadler
cereal, o
packages,
distributed
Humans foi
Little is
Dogcratic
some of
include: th
meaningful
Mi
mmm
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?M

HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974
3
night thieves
t and made off
ds of pot. The
, immediately
ar there have
irre burglary.
lot of pot but
for leaving it
i. Ms. Renalds
hope for its
ice villains are
t they repent
t-iron cooking
return, gladly
luart of frozen
lade in the pot
?d at 359-1879.
st seen sailing
I on a passing
contact Susie
Election of all
ns and pins in
all 754-9873 or
rs of socks
offer.
ings. Minimal
alder.
i & white. Re
? for any debts
s time. L.L.
atest Playgirl
I Bodenhamer
bargain at 3
I Jarvis under
ght only. Will
-tis dressed as
Jsed. Situated
things. Com-
iterested, just
lo girls,
out or
dogs,
cars
ig or drinking,
tolerated. No
melike atmo-
ib cage. Will
?eturn it to its
mn heart-bird
on my sleeve.
oy named Sue
g the real
peanut butter
antation (at
yr. medical
tlons and side
nonkeys. Call
1-000, Zurich.
Home for
r. Know, P.O.
Jo checks or
y used carrot
quipment in
Call 180-72516
here between
se call Susie,
m. 222-1331.
s. They were
please return
lewt. Reward
lly and I wish
A little bit of hell right here at home
ByZALVIERTOGAN
Staff Writer
When I died, I was positive I'd get into
Heaven with no trouble. I was brought up
on the Bible, and always tried to live it.
The last thing I remember about life on
earth was my family gathered around my
deathbed. As I slowly closed my eyes, I
saw my little granddaughter, Jennie. A
huge glob of snot trickled down her
nose. Oh well, it's almost as good as a
tear.
When I opened my eyes again, I saw a
line heading all the way around the Milky
Way. I hurried into the line. After a
thousand years I reached the Pearly
Gates. Saint Peter was there checking
people in. The trick was to say your last
name first, then your middle initial. I
practiced it once, Togan, Zalvier A! A
stands for angel.
' "Next
"Togan, Zalvier A I yelled proudly.
"Heaven certification number?" They
had me there. "Come on Togan, what's
your Heaven certification number?" I
didn't have one.
"O.K. wise guy, go to Mercury and talk
to the people in booth K. You can't get in
here without a certification number
Mercury is not such a bad planet if you
wear sun glasses. But the folks at booth K
weren't too happy to see me.
"Sorry they said, "but you can't get
your certification number without your
Permit to Sing Hymns signed by the choir
director. You'll find her out on Pluto
I didn't know how cold Pluto was. My
frustration was calmed for a moment by
the choir. But not for long.
"Permit to sing Hymns? Sorry but you
have to take your harp 65 pretest first "
"Where?" I asked frantically.
"Jupiter
"Jupiter is a very heavy planet. I
dragged my body over to the harp lab, but
no dice.
"Sorry he said, "you gotta get the
most basic thing
"What's that?" I chocked.
"Your receipt of death
"Togan, Zalvier A
He fumbled with the cards. 'Here you
are He said, "Congratulations
"Is that all?" I asked.
"Oh one other thing He said. "Leave
your soul in the box by the door when you
leave
"Why?" I asked dumbfounded.
"To prove that you're really dead
"And where can I get this receipt?"
"Just down that chute He said
pointing.
I slid down and down and down until
I landed in a neat, air-conditioned
office. Behind the desk sat a red man with
horns and a tail. Pitchfork in the comer
"Yes?" He said. "May I help you?"
"Death receipt I gasped.
"Of course he said, "Name?"
Dognappersflee;
charge high ransom
By EMMA POLE
Staff Writer
The pink and white chihuahua of East
Carolina's Professor and Mrs. Kartyle
Sadler was reportedly kidnapped last night
by the so called PCS, (People for a
Dogcratic Society).
Eye witnesses reported seeing three
masked bandits wearing inscripted
"minced meat for mutts' dog collars enter
the apparently empty house on Dogwood
Drive and drag away the screaming animal.
A ransom note arrived early this
morning calling for one ton of "top quality"
dog food including Zapo meats, Sabrina
Dog Chow, and Wagon Train to be
delivered to the city's dog kennel. The
food would then be distributed among
needs dogs bearing no collars of
ownership, sagging stomachs, drooping
eyes or wagging tails.
The ransom note, delivered to the local
police department, gave explicit orders for
the Sadlers to exclude cracked barley,
cereal, or breads from the food
packages. The food is to be handled and
distributed in whole chunks by the
Humans for a Dogmane Society.
Little is known about the People for
Dogcratic Society. However, leaks of
some of their underlying aims
include: the gradual attainment of more
meaningful roles for dogs in television
commercials and programs. For example,
the portrayal of dogs taking care of their
own dog families instead of catering to the
whims of humans. (Lassie was a
bourgeois collie). Her role, says the PDS,
was most detrimental to the objectives and
interests of dogs in general.
The PDS also called for the spaying of
bitches on a voluntary basis only
(consenters distinguishable by a yep,
yep!) The People for a Dogcratic Soceity
denounced such "derogatory" terms as
"stray dogs "dog tired "mean as a
dog and "man's best friend Comment-
ed Professor Sadler about the entire
affair: "I will be doggone
Mi OH
ATTENTION!
JUNIORS SENIORS
SCHOLARSHIPS AVAILABLE IN
NUCLEAR PROPULSION FIELD
RECEIVE
VER $50
A MONTH
DURING YOUR SENIOR YEAR
(maximum of ten months)
applicants must be male, U.s!
:itizens, 19 26 2 years old, and havt
rompleted a minimum of one year of
:ollege physics and math tnrougl
integral calculus.
FOR FURTHER INFORMATION
CALL OR WRITE:
LT. G.A. LEWIS, USN
NAVY RECRUITING DISTRICT
P.O. BOX 2506
RALEIGH, N.C. 27602
PH. 919-832-6629
m
m
American students
placed in
RECOGNIZED
OVERSEAS
MEDICAL SCHOOLS
ft Euromed!
For the session starting July, 1974.
Euromed will assist qualified Amer-
ican students in gaining, admission
to recognized overseas medical
schools.
And that's just the beginning.
Since the language barrier constitutes
the preponderate difficulty in succeed-
ing at a foreign school, the Euromed
program also includes an intensive
12-16 week medical and conversa-
tional language course, mandatory for
all students. Five hours daily, 5 days
per week (12-16 weeks) the course is
given in the country where the student
will attend medicaj school.
In addition, Euromed provides stu-
dents with a 12-16 week intensive cul-
tural orientation program, with Amer-
ican students now studying medicine
in that particular country serving as
counselors.
Senior er graduate students cwrentJy
carolled in m America university arc
digiolo to participate in the ten
program
For application and further
information, phone toll free:
(800) 645-1234
in New York State phone:
(516) 746 2380
or write,
Euromed. Ltd.
170 0M Country load
Mmeola, M.t. 11501
mmm?
Specialize in all type
Volkswagon Repair
All work guaranteed
See
Team
The Officer Info
Student Union
1-5April 9:00a.m4:00p.m.
COLLEGE EXXON
1101 E. Fifth
752-5646

4
HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974
mm
m
Body Body
burning bright!
By JOHN MURPHY
A team of University researchers
has uncovered evidence linking the
burning of cadavers at the Medical School
with cerebral brain damage.
Writing in February's Morticians
Monthly, the researchers claimed that
smoke produced from the burning tends to
cause "structural decomposition of the
brain tissue equivalent to a complete
frontal lobotomy
Dr. Charles Nurd, formerly a tree
surgeon with the University's Department
of Buildings and Grounds, claimed the
disease's symptoms commenced with the
victim lapsing into "a sudden, irreversible
coma
The ensuing symptoms, he claimed,
include death, halitosis and chronic
ingrown toenail. "We've pretty much been
able to control those last two symptoms
Nurd noted.
The group recommended that those
victims who lose their mental faculties but
are still fortunate enough to survive should
be rehabilitated through enrollment in the
Wharton School.
The University authorized the commit-
tee to look into the burnings after 250
residents of Stouffer House fatally
succumbed to the toxic fumes.
"We eventually decided to look into the
matter after no one showed up for our
house dinner for three weeks House
Director Ira Harkevoy claimed. "I originally
became alarmed he added, "after I
discovered an abnormal quantity of comic
books and Pennsylvania Voice issues
circulating around the project
The University has since established
another committee to determine when and
if the burnings should be terminated.
University administrators generally
reacted with indignation against the
burning policy, although there were some
exceptions.
Finance Committee Chairman John
Hobsetter noted Wednesday that the
deaths would cost the University over
$40,000 in lost tuition revenue.
He warned that the University would
either have to admit more transfer students
or hike tuition $500.
Director of Residential Life Edwin
Ledwell expressed "some regrets" over the
sudden rash of deaths, but optimistically
predicted the University "would have no
problems with overcrowded housing this
spring
Any missed items?
Read the Fountainhead lately? Here
are some items you may nave missed.
ECU students and faculty should be
aware of the following items and events:
If you are apprehended by the campus
security police and you cannot answer
their questions on the subjects below, you
will be placed in a sealed room with Monty
Hall.
Dr. Parkinson Bile will speak at ECU
yesterday on the topic: "Can Bleeding to
Death Save Your Life?"
The doctor will explain how to make
necklaces out of those leftover kidney
stones. Bring several gall bladders to the
lecture.
-Many students are upset about the
new physical education requirement. It is
now mandatory that to graduate a student
must pole vault over the AustinBuilding or
swallow a discus.
-Wanted: Head of lettuce to share
apartment with same.
-For Sale: One college, cheap. Lo-
cation- Greenville, N.C.
-Want to stop getting that junk
mail? Try placing land mines in front of
your mailbox.
-Oil company spokesman, Earl Slick,
says that there is an oil shortage. "It's no
joke, Jake he told reporters before
accidentally stepping into an open
manhole.
He was later apprehended by police
when they found him "lewdly caressing a
newspaper He was released on bond but
his tongue was kept in custody.
-A great new book: SHE-a gripping
story about an aging, Lesbian dogcatcher
who rises to belated fame and fortune as a
singing porkpie hat.
-Important new film:
MONSTER DUCKS ATTACK NEW
YORK! - New York City is ravaged by two
giant ducks after they are refused service
in an Italian restaurant.
When a waiter insults them the ducks go
on a rampage saying that they are tired of
people making "wise quacks" about them.
New York is saved when giant decoys
are placed in the Atlantic Ocean, thus
drawing the ducks away from the city.
-Correction: In last week's newspaper
Adolf Hitler was mistakenly identified as
an almond. He was, in reality, a German
interior decorator.
-Cancellation: Kaiser Wi I helm will not
speak at ECU- tonight. Money will be
refunded. A college spokesman has
expressed shock on hearing that the Kaiser
died over thirty years ago.
The spokesman also announced that
the college has purchased the Brooklyn
Bridge.
Goto this eumAwr with MR caayows-
TMJM CtT HIM OU AMO PAfTC MiM OW VOVK. FOUCHCAP
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EDITOR PAT CRAWFORD calls Fountainhead staff masting to order.
Darreil Williams protend that Pat la a clnus cloud.
PAT TRIES TO convince Managing EditorSklpSaundafs that he'll suffocate If he
both nostrils.
?
SPORTS EDITOR JACK MORROW tries to lift the room.
Sai
exp
THE FRE
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(March
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80 pp.)
April 1
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HEADVOL 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1t74
5
Reviews
Sarf Wimpy
explored
THE FRECOES OF DELLA PAPPARAZZI
byAntofneCanatose
$39.95, Placebo Press
Giuseppe delta Papparazzi, one of the
better-known painters of the Punchinello
School of Painting, is ably analyzed in this
massive study. (Comatose spent fifteen
years of his life in the Cathedral of Saint
Wimpy in Gurrinzi, analyzing della
Papparazzi's fresco cycle depicting the life
of that saint.) Perhaps the most moving
section of the study deals with the fresco
known as "The Apotheosis of Saint Wimpy
in Chains, or, Democratization of the Cocoa
Puff a fresco which takes up ai least half
of the major chapel wall. Here we see the
artist at his best, making use of all his
delicate techniques - from the airy
"diffusmottonettamentozo" brushstroke to
the subtle use of "technoturrinzitomalini"
to suggest distant perspective. Above all,
Comatose places Papparazzi in his
well-deserved niche as Prince of the
Punchinello School, certainly a more valid
and original artist than his cohorts of that
period - i.e Francisco Susquepedalia,
Teodora Infanticida, Constipatio della
Incestina, and others. The Saint Wimpy
cycle alone is worth the price of the
book. As Papparazzi himself so ably said
of the painting, "It's a fresco
EVERY ONE THEN ASPARAGUS NOSE
HONOLULU by Gertrude Stein
$6.95, Posthumous Press
Gertrude Stein is back again. After
having been dead for 27 years, Stein has
decided to resume writing; This
posthumous volume gives a representative
selection of her new work.The first section
od meditations (entitled "Howard
Narragansett Yellow Sandwich Sandwich")
is devoted to her thoughts on plastic soda
straws. Part Two ("Can Mabel Fly, or will
socks grow, he said") is a description of a
typical Stein day; particularly moving is
the section which reads as follows:
Nose. Blue nose.
Fine line. Band-aid.
every every Submarine sings.
Sings well.
Can it not. No.
Yechh.
Please pass the rodent.
(This passage has been interpreted by
Michael Nostradamus, noted critic
obscuranta, as indicating Stein's feelings
about world peace, tomato soup and S&H
Green Stamps.)
Stein's penchant for writing plays
appears once again in the play, "Madame
Nolluzi's Garbanzo in which the plot
centers on the erotic adventures of a
Swing line stapler.
Stein also develops her powers of
autobiographical writing (remember the
AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ALICE B.
TOKLAS?) in this volume. Here contained
is THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF HERMIONE
GINGOLD, in which she attempts to
portray Miss Gingold as the reincarnation
of Charles Baudelaire. Somehow this
ymrmrnm
does not work, but we have always
forgiven Stein her eccentricities.
Perhaps the best critique of Stein is
her own introduction to ASRARAGUS
NOSE HONOLULU: "So I have been doing
what I have been doing it is done it is
having been doing it is having been doing
quite nearly done not as always but is done
is done is done again will be done will be
going and done
Or, as she writes in "A play about
animated nostrils: Vladivostok
Tuna fish.
Collage.
Animal crackers in my coup.
What is what.
Peanut. Dilemma.
Pink melon bicycle.
Gertrude Stein just hasn't changed
much in 27 years.
Excerpt from a typical continental novel
"As they say in my native country,
when the czllcmntse grobrandnlckt, the
glbnobna is sure to crlmfngsti. Har' Har'
Har he said.
Mme. Pnewnatique looked aghast
"But, c'est I'autredes?"
.cklmfngi dropthnksi he roared.
"Ah, yes demurred Mme. Pneumati-
que, "Exit facet, psum nobis dumpum
"Touche said Percival.
Suddenly little Wimpsy had a coughing
fit and fainted on her satin pillow.
(End, Chapter 43.)
WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE? AND
THE WATERGATE FOLLIES
GERALD
GARDNER'S
BOOK
S?'
v
HAD ENOUGH
WASHINGTON- President Nixon Wed-
nesday agreed to release his entire
collection of tapes to U.S. District Court
Judge John Sirica.
"Although I fee that this is an
encroachment of my personal prerogative
I will release the tapes to the American
people in order to once again bring the
country back together and restore the
spirit that was once there
Among the tapes released by Nixon
was an eight-track version of "The Best of
Kate Smith "Rudy Valee's America and
the University of Ohio ROTC cadets
singing, "Columbia, the Gem of the
Ocean
Now you can
protect yourself
against muggers, rapists
and worse with this
amazing new whistle. Wear it
as a necklace or carry it as a key chain. Its long-range
penetrating shrill brings help in a hurry. The next dark
n'gnt (that's tonight!) you'll feel a lot safer just knowing
you have the greatest protection in the world. Gives
obscene phone callers a shrilling earful too
GET IT BEFORE YOU HAD IT'
(March 28, 1974) Vice President Gerald Ford as featured on
the cover of GERALD GARDNER'S THE STREAKING BOOK ($1.50.
80 pp.), a new photo-caption humor book due from Bantam Books
Other notables
include Richard
i EJizabcth.
book speaking out on "streak-
Nixon, Golda Meir, Henry Kissinger,
COME IN OR MAIL HANDY COUPON
Yes! I want to be saved' Send meLondon-Like Whiles
Key Cham ?Necklace (Number)Chrome
I enclose $3.00 for each London-Like
Whistle. I understand that if I am not
totally satisfied, I will receive a complete
refund if returned in 10 days.
NAME
STREET NUMBER
CITY
Family Jewels Ltd.
3431 West Villard Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53209
STATE.
.ZIP.

6
HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974
i mm
mm
Iff
mi
EditorialsCommentary
Editing yourself
S Agamemnon real?
MAKE UP YOUR OWN PAT CRAWFORD EDITORIAL CHOOSE ONE OF THE PHRASES
IN PARENTHESES
The latest developments regarding (the SGA, foreign language, publications) have
shown clearly that (Bill Bodenhamer, education, students) isare (crazy, dead, stupid).
As (Emily Dickinson, Lao Tzu, Gertrude Stein) would say, ("The Frogs got Home last
Week The Way is forever nameless "Toasted Suzie is my ice cream"). In fact, it is
highly probable that within the next few years, (the SGA will enter the bazooka business,
ancient Assyrian will be taught at ECU, editors will be set fire to).
But why is all this happening?
First, (Bill Bodenhamer wants to open a Bodenburger hot dog stand with student
funds, Assyrian is a necessary part of everyday life, who needs reading anyhow).
Second, (the SGA should be replaced by a popcorn machine, it looks like all
requirements for everything will be dropped, the Buc will be run off on a ditto machine
this year).
Speaking from personal experience, I remember when (the dorm washer ate my red
socks, I was elected editor because the only other people running were a small blue
dwarf and an insurance salesman who got lost on his way to Peoria, this newspaper was
written entirely in cuneiform script). Others who remember these things may well ask -
(why bother, where's the bathroom, who is John Gait)? After all, the main reason for
entering college is to (avoid work, avoid life, avoid evasion).
Perhaps the best final statement on this toDic comes from (Emily Dickinson, Lao Tzu,
Gertrude Stein) who said, ("I like a look of agony 'I do my utmost to attain emptiness
"This is no authority for the abuse of cheese"). We trust all (ECU students, nostrils,
behemoths) feel the same.
Pigeons on the diagonal
Fountainhead presents a special
excerpt from the novel, "Evil Spaghetti
with Kumquats and Several Blue Porous
Mezzotints a tale of refugee life in the
Arctic Circle.
"Harriet, don't cried Avery Wumpage
upon his return from Wimple Acres.
His wife, Harriet, stood in the window
of their 45,6789,908765 acre manor estate,
waving a blue sock and shouting, "Long
live Dobie Gillis in a cry so piercing that
Averell Harriman belched twice.
Avery shook with moral turpitude.
Ever since he had given his wife
mesentery for her birthday, she had been
exhibiting strange behavior. First she was
caught in downtown Des Moines eating
red spaghetti with a shovel. Then Harriet
was arrested for parading stark orange into
the flamingo cage of the Chicago
Rxntainhccid
Do you know because you read it
somewhere, or Is It newly the time of the
post-harvah revolution?"
Gertrude Stein
EDITOR-IN-CHIEFPat Crawford
MANAGING EDITORSklp
BUSINESS MANAGERRk Gilllam
AD MANAGERJackie Shallcross
NEWS EDITORS DarreM Williams
Diane Taylor
SPORTS EDITORJack Morrow
ADVISORFrank Murphy
1
Aquarium. And, most embarrassing of all,
Harriet had developed insatiable cravings
for Hallucinogenic Fizzies, which she
bought up at every opportunity.
Where would it end?
Who knew?
Until answers emerged, Avery had
vowed to make a weekly pilgrimage to the
shrine of the Madonna of Oakland,
bringing small garlic buds and even
smaller prayers. On his tenth visit, he was
miraculously cured of nasal turpitude. His
wife, meanwhile, had abandoned Blue
Sock Waving and had turned to earthier
things, i.e acts of sodomy with young
goldfish and waterbugs.
One day the Wumpage's daughter,
Howard, arrived home from the Wartburg
Military Academy with a Large Surprise.
"I'm joining the Operatic Institute of
Tuscany she said, "and will become the
worid's first female castrati singer
Her parents stood in stunned horror.
"Howard said Avery, calmly, "you
know we've tried our best to bring you up
as a normal child, despite your Hare Knee
and 5" overbite. Is this the return we get -
a daughter of ours joining The Theater?"
Harriet waved her sock in glee.
By JACK ANDROGYNE
BIG STUFF: An investigator on my
staff revealed today that Tricia Nixon Cox
is actively engaged in an attempt to
overthrow Pope Paul VI and to establish a
Presbyterian monarchy funded by Howard
Johnson's and the Velveeta Cheese
people. Tricia plans this as a protest
against the Catholic Church, who she
feels, contributed to unAmericanism by
ordaining Daniel and Philip Berrigan
way-back when. There are rumors that, for
complicity in the plot, the President is
allowing Howard Johnson's to raise the
price of their Plastic PeachPie from $2.50
to $5 per slice.
THE FBI: According to top secret
sources, the most recent list of persons
beina investigated by the FBI includes
Sandro Botticelli, Fra Angelico and Rogier
van der Weyden, Try again, fellas
AUTOS. Since the air bag idea hasn't gone
over wel I, government sources are trying to
ourfit late-model cars with cyanide
capsules-they say it's more humane to go
on your own. The cyanide lobby in
Washington has won friends, recently
touting the virtues of cyanide in malted
milk form so it doesn't taste so
funny. They plan a banquet to test the
product in the near future .WHATs
NEW. Bicentennial oelbration plans in-
clude total destruction of the Capitol
Building to make way for a Neon
Independence Funland Coliseum made
entirely of U.S. products. The problem is
that importation has risen so highly that
the bureaucrats are hard-pressed to find
any U.S. products. Tentative plans will
have the coliseum being built entirely of
1040 forms .SURVEY. A recent govern-
ment survey indicates that between 80
percent and 85 percent of Americans are
actively engaged in breathing, while nearly
97 percent admit to eating at least once
daily. "This said the President in a
recent speech, "puts an entirely new
perspective on things The release of this
data puts a premature damper on
high-level plans to sell the air of eight
states to Russia, and to encourage
Americans to eat only once monthly in
view of the food crisis .SCANDAL: The
Watergate panel may never discover why
Donald Nixon had Antarctica moved to
Gilbraltar, or why only small squid can be
made citizens of Tuscany today, or why
London has been painted mauve, or who
Saint Wimpy really is. You can't say we
didn't hing.JS GOD DEAD? Not
according to Mrs. Marilyn Wimbish of
Paramus, N.J. Mrs. Wimbish claims she
recently spoke to God via transcontinental
telephone while attempting to contact her
sister, a waitress in Osaka. "God told me I
had dialed the wrong number she said,
"and asked me to please try again When
asked why she felt she had actually spoken
to God, Mrs. Wimbish said, "Who else
would know I had dialed the wrong
number?"
NEXT WEEK: Does a gang of fierce
Jell-0 lobbyists really run Congress?
What can you do about the National
Debt? And other stuff.
Wonder-working toes
FOUNTAINHEAD is the student
paper of East Carolina University and
appears each Tuesday and Thursday of
the school year.
Mailing address: Box 2516 ECU Station,
Greenville, N.C. 27834
Editorial Offices. 758-6366, 758-6367
Subscriptions: $10 annually for non-
students.
Reprinted from Bryn Mawr-Haverford
College News
Are you anticipating one thoroughly
impossibl exam per course this
quarter? Well, don't worry. There is
always at least one "gut" exam in every set
of midyears and finals. If you should feel
that you have never had such an exam,
then the following examples of "gut"
exams may hold your interest.
INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question
thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time
limit - 4 hours. Begin immediately.
HISTORY: Describe the history of the
papacy from its origin to the present day,
concentrating specially but not exclusively
on the social, political, economic,
religious and philosophical impact on
Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be
brief, concise and specific.
MEDICINE: You have oern provided with
a razor blade, a piece of gai ze, and a bottle
of scotch. Remove your own appendix.
Do not suture until your work has been
inspected. You have 15 minutes.
PUBLIC SPEAKING: @t?? RIOT!
CRAZED ABORGINES ARE STORMING
THE CLASSROOM. Calm them. You
may use any ancient language except Latin
or Greek.
BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the
differences in subsequent human culture if
this form of life had developed 500 million
? ??? warn i m
years earlier, with special attention to the
probable effects of the English
parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orche-
strate it and perform it with flute and
drum. You will find a piano under your
seat.
ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan
for refinancing the national debt. Trace
the possible effects of your plan in the
following areas: Cubism, the Donatist
controversy, the wave theory of
light. Outline a method from all possible
points of view. Point out the deficiencies
in your point of view, as demonstrated in
your answer to the last question.
POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red
telephone on the desk beside you. Start
World War III. Report at length on its
socio-political effects, if any.
PHYSICS: Explain the nature of
matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the
development of mathematics on science.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in
detail. Be objective and specific.
EXTRA-CREDIT: Define the Universe;
give three examples.
m
mem
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t entirely of
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between 80
nericans are
while nearly
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,NDAL: The
iscover why
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iquid can be
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uve, or who
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DEAD? Not
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contact her
od told me I
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the wrong
ig of fierce
Congress?
le National
mtion to the
8 English
four thesis.
arto. Orche-
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under your
alistic plan
debt. Trace
plan in the
ie Donatist
theory of
all possible
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onstrated in
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a is a red
you. Start
ujth on its
nature of
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Describe in
fie.
Universe;
mm
mmmmmm
mm
HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
7
m
TheForum
FOUNTAINHEAD wonders If anyone ever
reads this Forum policy. Do you? If so,
why? The basic gist of It is that if you
want to write letters, go ahead. Why do
you need to read this? Do you need our
approval in order to write? Is your
personality so weak as to demand
continual reinforcement? In that case, you
probably aren't original enough to write a
letter at all. What's wrong with you
anyway? Why are you reading this?
To Fountainhead:
As of this date, I hereby declare that
neither the Student Government Associ-
ation nor East Carolina University exist,
and furthermore, that the SGA Treasurer,
Attorney General, Legislature and just
about everyone but myself will be
transformed magically into hubcaps by the
light of the crescent moon. I have worked
closely with the Administration on these
things, and wanted to make what used to
be East Carolina University the best
university in the cosmos - but, win a few,
lose a few.
Sincerely,
President, SGA
Calomorphic
To Fountainhead:
Where does the Fountainhead come
from?
Reader
Editor's Note: The initial three letters am
French for "stupid The "unta" section Is
derived from the German "untaugJich"
unsuitable, with "in" meaning "not" as in
"incredible" and "ea" being an
abbreviation for "each The "h" repre-
sents Helios, the sun god, and "d" is an
initial for Descartes. Taken together, the
components mean "land-of-the-living-
confliikes-where-onry-mBny-footed-
amoebee-end-tiny-pink-foilides dwett-
under-one-great-Spirii Shoeend-our
arK?stor-nymphet8-frolicked-quarteriy-
rjeneeth-the-moon-of-the-tvarve-teeth
The name wee bestowed upon us when
several elves, found In en office desk,
volunteered to give us a title sure to bring
good luck. The first name "Suaquehan-
neh" being cumbersome, we settled for
the second.
Droshky!
To Fountainhead:
In regards to the letter that never
appeared in the last issue, I would like to
clear up a few misconceptions of that
writer's imagination.
Actually, before the pre-historically
recorded time of man's appearance on this
planet, he had been involved in several
extra-curricular and inter-planetary invest-
igations of the origin of mud turtles. This
amazine species first appeared in the mezo
zoic age of bats, mosquitos, enculs and
m
mm
mm
gophers, in the high himalayas. And it has
been recently proven that the .Abomin-i-
able Snowman actually subsisted ona diet
of berries, snow cream and mud turtles,
found only in the spring when the snows
thawed.
Therefore, it is only through deep
conviction and a troubled consciencethat I
must inform B.S. (author the letter which
never appeared) that the irace of man has
never appeared on the face of this planet
because mud turtles, the sole basis for the
Snowman's diet, could not survive on the
frozen and steep slopes of the
Himalayas. When the mud turtles died
out, so did the snowmen, wiping out all
traces of what could have been mankind.
We are all merely figments of some
carnivore's imagination and do not, in
reality exist on this planet as we would
know it, if we existed.
Truthfully,
Z
Intumescing
To Fountainhead:
As business manager I suggest that we
reduce this newspaper to four pages (ads
only) hand print it on used butcher paper,
rent out our office for use by the Coffee
house, Greenville Book Club and Rose
High School tennis team, raise the price of
cokes in our machine to 50 cents each, pay
our typist by the line and hock all furniture
except for two file cabinets, in which we
can file pictures of streakers for blackmail
use (additional cash profit).
Also - I need an expense account for
the trip you took to the SGA office. Please
itemize.
Frugally yours,
Rick
Eutracheata
To Fountainhead:
As editor of this thing, I've always
wanted to write myself a letter. I wrote one
once in 72 about how Tyler didn't have any
heat, but that was before I got this job. So
this is how you do it, eh? Just kind of
write words next to each other on
paper? This is really sort of fun.
Sincerely,
Pat Crawford
Kalapooia
To Fountainhead:
We feel we can no longer ignore the
horrible decline in the quality of
Fountainhead over the last 3 weeks and
point out that we had nothing to do with
it. Our responsibility ended with the last
knisch in sweet-and-sour sauce at the
banquet. However, we would like to point
out that we have not yet graduated and are
prepared to stage a cultural revolution of
the old guard if things don't shape up.
Darrell Williams
Skip Saunders
mmmmmm
Nerolidol
To Fountainhead:
It has come to our attention that certain
members of your so-called University have
objected to the treatment of student
leaders at this center of higher
learning. After consulting with the highest
authority possible, we feel that we aremore
than justified in our handling of the
situation. Christian morals must stage a
comeback, and we feel that the action
taken might cause a resurgence of that old
time religion. Please be aware that your
opinions might warrant an unexpected
backlash when lease expected.
The Holy Office of the Inquisition
Holoptic
To Fountainhead:
So when are you people going to
publish your joke issue?
Fayumic?
To Fountainhead:
As a member of a sorority, a graduate
of Rose High School, daughter of an
elephant-trainer, distant relative of the
SGA President, niece of a Greenville
policeman, chairman of a Student Union
Committee, and other stuff, I'd like to
complain about varied letters and
editorials which have appeared in this
paper since September.
First, Go Greek. Rose High School
deserves the tennis courts and we don't
and don't you forget it. a reuses are neat,
and I think the people who'd want more
concerts by the Electric Nose or those
other groups are spoilsports. Bill
Bodenhamer has done a lot for the SGA -
look at all the good stuff he's done for us.
Greenville police are nice; take that,
letter-writers. And I don't need a foreign
language because I'm going to be a
stenographer anyway so how about writing
editorials about leash laws or useful
things? Also, please make the paper big
like it used to be and why don't you change
the name back to The East Carolinian,
what does Fountainhead mean anyway? I
had to cancel a subscription home
because my parents were shocked by the
streaking article. We Wallingfords just
raised our hemlines above the calf in 1989,
so you can't say we're prurient.
So please, no more Electric Noes, and
why don't you write a story about all the
names of buildings and how they got
them?
Fanfaron
Sirs
Is it true that half of the ECU drama
dept. is "funny"? I would really dig an
answer, fellas.
David Thompson
Ukiyoe
To Fountainhead:
O.K. you guys, you've really done it
this time. I mean this is going too far, this
is really sick. We don't have anything to
do with it this time.
Redundantly,
Tom Clare
KenStrayhom
Oleo
To Fountainhead:
It is hard to believe that a student
group, like your staff could be in such a
position as to grossly misuse (our) student
funds in such a pitiful production as this
issue of Fountainhead. Like the concern-
ed and conscientious student, I am
supposed to be, I feel it is my only choice
but to speak up against this outrage. I for
one am here to study, prepare for my
future job so I can earn a good Mvtng, and
above all, I am here to make good
grades. I'm gonna to it and I'm gonna
make it.
Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, I can't
believe this poor excuse of a
newspaper. Not only casting off journ-
alism ethics but making asinine fools of
themselves at the same time. How can we
allow this repeated abuse of our
publications? Why with the last ap-
pearance of the Buccaneer and its
dominating pages of football team
pictures and sensational, childish use of
sexual themes ? .this is the last straw.
I intend to immediately arouse the
proper authorities into taking action
against the appearance of such a campus
publication, or at least to take action
against those individuals responsible for
this. I believe the editor is responsible for
about 40 per cent of this trash-Why? Be-
cause ' heard her tell me last night!
K.Y.S.
Areopagitica
To Fountainhead:
A preposition is something you don't
end a sentence with.
Virginia Woolf
JanineWallingford SOU3N
Zelkova
Sirs:
Tell Kissinger he didn't say "Mother
may I
Muhammed Kaddaff i
To Fountainhead:
The rumor that I take 10 per cent of the
top is a lie. I take 15 per cent off the
bottom.
With Much Money
Michael Ertis
mm
?-4?

8
HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974
m
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News; yesterday, today and tomorrow
Ho
(Los Angeles) - 6000 STAR TREK fans
are expected to gather at the Marriott Hotel
near Los Angeles International Airport on
April 12-14 to enjoy the largest collection
of STAR TREK memorabilia and stars
assembled since the completion of that
series. EQUICON 74, the second annual
West Coast STAR TREK convention, will
host D.C. Fontana, series story editor and
script writer, as guest of honor. STAR
TREK creator-producer, Gei te Roddenberry
and his wife, Majel Barrett (Nurse Chapel
in the series) will be special guests.
Special features of EQUICON 74 will
include live-action and animated episodes
of STAR TREK, an auction of series
memorabilia, a futuristic fashion show,
exhibits of STAR TREK art and props, a
banquet, and a STAR TREK costume
contest.
Membership in the Easter weekend
convention is $10 until April 1 and $15
thereafter. A one day membership is $7
and supporting (non-attending) member-
ships are $5. Information and membership
may be obtained by writing EQUICON 74 at
P.O. Box .23127, Los Angeles, Ca. 90023.
Twinkie
NEW YORKThe International
Telephone and Telegraph Company has
announced the sale of its Continental
Baking division to the Soviet Union.
"It's gotten to the point where they've
got more wheat than we do ITT poobah
Harold S. Geneen said while munching a
creme-fiUed cupcake. "Without wheat it's
hard to keep the wonder in the Wonder
Bread and the twink in the Twinkie
Ivan M. Tastycakovich, who will direct
the Russian baking operation here said
there would be "only a few changes in the
product line He said he did not
understand the meaning of the word
"Twinkie" and would probably rename the
product "People's Yellow Cake
In addition to an undisclosed amount
of cash and Russian jewelry boxes, ITT will
receive some assistance from the KGB in
its "marketing and intelligence" services
as part of the deal.
Resurrected
According to Reuters, when Antonio
Carles Magro went to the registry office in
Sao Paulo, to obtain a marriage permit, he
learned he had been dead for 24 years.
Infuriated, he ran to the police who had
been shown a death certificate signed by
Carlos' father and a well-known doctor
stating Antonio Carlos died at the age of 2.
Since corpses cannot be legally wed,
the 26 year old Magro had to be officially
resurrected before he could be issued a
marriage permit for his scheduled
wedding. Meanwhile, the police investi-
gating the false death certificate ran
across two problems-both the doctor and
his father are dead-or so their death
certificates say.
Learn new Language.
Ukrainian for Beginners I
For Information call:
8446328, 455-2165, 349-
7120, 382 5553, 763-5516. 382-
4071, CE 2-0831
(CPSZNS)-Students using the computer
center at the University of Akron wiM no
longer be able to use obscene language in
giving instructions to the computer.
Computer center Director, John
Hirschbuhl, said the computer has been
programmed to demand an apology if
certain four-letter words are used. If the
student refused to apologize, said
Hirschbuhl, the computer turns itself off.
Hazardous
Greece's highest court has ruled that
sailors who die on shore leave while
engaging in sex are the victims of
"occupational hazardsand that their
families are entitled to full navy pensions.
The unusual decision reversed the
findings of a lower court.
The widow of a Greek sailor, who had
collapsed and died of a heart attack while
patronizing a Phillippine brothel, sued to
receive her husband's pension from the
government.
The high court, after hearing the
woman's pleas, ruled that many sailors on
the high seas, away from their families,
will naturally be overcome by strong sex
urges while visiting foreign ports. The
courts added that visits to brothels could
be regarded as legitimate "occupational
hazards" to such men-and that if they die
because of "the need for recreation his
family should be fully entitled to the
pension.
Complications
A University of Colorado student was
arrested for vandalism after he
successfully opened a residence hall door
with his foot.
The incident occurred one recent
Saturday night after a hard night of
partying. The student ws bringing his date
back to her dormitory, but the process was
complicated by the fact that she was so
drunk that he had to carry her over his
shoulder. The front entrance was locked,
and after no one answered his knocks, the
student kicked the door. It shattered.
Following his arrest, the student said
that he had been simply trying to open the
door, not break it. His date made no
comment.
(CPSZNS)-The McDonald's hamburger
chain- which boasts of selling more than
T3 billion burgers - has become the largest
food outlet in America.
McDonald's last year sold $1.03 billion
worth of "food pushing the chain ahead
of the United States Army, which is now
the second largest food distributor in
America.
A recent survey showed that 96 percent
of American school children can identify
Ronald McDonald, placing him second
behind Santa Claus and way ahead of
Richard Nixon.
Surprize
The Free University of Indiana State
University has a course that's a little
unusual even for an informal school.
The title of the course is "Surprise
and it accurately described the class
sessions.
A recent one began with instructor
Leon Varijan, dressed in jeans, top hat and
tails, announcing that the class was about
to play "Crazy for a Day and presiding
over the events which followed. Three
professed "crazies one in a straight
jacket, performed while a group of 15
others dressed in masks and Halloween
costumes ran through 4he audience
throwing wilted flowers, lollypops and
snow.
Two film projectors simultaneously
presented an assortment of old movies and
homemade special features, and someone
dressed as a firefighter ran through the
aisles with a fire hose.
At the end of this, bluebooks were
thrown to the audience and they were told
to sketch the development of human
thought, and define the universe giving
three examples. A woman wearing a
military jacket and a man with a tire iron
patrolled the aisles watching for
cheaters
Mystery guests, Santa Claus and God,
failed to appear for the end of the show,
and the class ended with the instructors
being chased out by attendants with
butterfly nets.
INDIANAPOLIS-Julie Nixon Eisen-
hower was released from a hospital in a
seedy part of town Wednesday,carrying a
souvenir coathanger.
"I'm so glad it's all over an
obviously-relieved Julie said following her
release after what Press Secretary Ronald
Ziegler called "one of those silly little
women's operations
"We didn't even have to go to New
York-it's so dreary there this time of
year Julie noted. "And it would have
been so inconvenient. Isn't marriage and
American technology simply wonderful
Julie said she plans to write about her
experience in the April issue of McCaH's.
Asked to comment on his wife's
operation, David Eisenhower replied,
"Whew
"You guys won't tell the President, will
you?" Eisenhower whimpered.
Flush
Students at Indiana University in
Bloomington have apparently taken to
heart the call for energy conservation in
ingenious ways.
After removing 3,600 fluorescent lights
from the university library-a lighting cut of
20 percent-students turned to water
conservation in the university union.
Under a new plan to be implemented,
the fifty public urinals in the union will be
synchronized to flush only when the lights
are turned on. Ordinarily the urinals
automatically flush once every five
minutes, whether they're used or not.
The new plan should save 7,000 gallons
of water a day, according to proponents.
Train for the Navy's sky now.
If you qualify, you can sign up for Navy Pilot) or our NFOC Program (if you want
flight training while you're still in college to be a Flight Officer) can get you into the
and be assured of the program you want. Navy sky for an exciting, challenging career.
Our AOC Program (if you want to be a For more details, see your Navy Recruiter.
Be someone special. Fly Navy.
See The Navy Officer Information Team - Student Union -1-5 April.
Programs available in Aviation, Nt 'ear Propulsion, Medicine, Law and others
I-34 Indoctrination Flinhts Available
By
In recer
ECU have
)roblems st
owards a c
3ne of tri
idministrati
lecline in i
las necess
iormitories
egarding "o
xme under
Bcent montl
Last wee
it their anr
nesting at
neeting was
;hairman, M
)f business
nent, by all
Jenkin's plar
I976. .and'
Mas made I
3resident of
vllliam Frid
jet down to
A commit
ago whose
current decli
land make rec
problem migl
(the committ
Lemons
gi
By!
The day is
lemon will ha
world in fresh
strongly to n
rened If it's
touch of lemo
market today
floor wax, fu
detergent,
conditioners,
shampoos, he
air fresheners
facial cleanser
the actual pro
mess - thelem
The day ij
entire earth w
yellow film of I
a gas station:
"Yes, sir. I
"Yeah, fill
touch of lemoi
Or ordering
"Uh, yes
O'Lemmon coc
mmm

mmm
mmm

University in
ently taken to
conservation in
jorescent lights
?a lighting cut of
rned to water
sity union,
e implemented,
ie union will be
when the lights
y the urinals
ce every five
ised or not.
e 7,000 gallons
to proponents.
HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974
9
?
Housing problems: a missing commode
ie Nixon Eisen-
i a hospital in a
lesday, carrying a
all over an
aid following her
Secretary Ronald
those silly little
3 to go to New
re this time of
1 it would have
n't marriage and
iply wonderful
d write about her
sue of McCall's.
on his wife's
ihower replied,
ie President, will
sred.
ByGREGORIOSNURD
Staff Writer
In recent months administrators of
ECU have had to face a number of
roblems stemming from the current trend
owards a decline in student enrollment.
Dne of the major concerns of the
administration has been the subsequent
Jecline in on-campus residency, which
las necessitated the closing of some
Jormitories. The question of policy
egarding "off campus" residency has also
xxne under some strong consideration in
?cent months.
Last week housing administrators met
it their annual luncheon and business
Tieeting at the Crow's Nest, where the
neeting was called to order by housing
chairman, Melvin Schwartz.The first topic
)f business was a unanimous endorse-
tient, by all present, of Chancellor Leo
Jenkin's plan to seek the Governorship in
1976 .and 1980 .and A second motion
Mas made by a representative of the
3resident of the consolidated university,
Villiam Friday, that the meeting should
jet down to serious business.
A committee was formed some weeks
ago whose purpose was to study the
current decline of on campus residency,
and make recommendations as to how the
problem might be aleviated. Speaking for
the committee, Rev. Linwood Mullens
offered a number of proposed
improvements.
1) To enable students to get from
dormitory to classroom buildings
quicker .a proposed mono-rail system to
be built linking the campus facilities. The
building now used for a laundry facility
which is to be vacated soon, will be
renovated into a modem station-house for
the mono-rail. It will be conveniently
located beside the bell tower. (Which is
currently being used as a smoke stack.)
2) Proposed installation of "water
beds air conditioning, and wall-to-wall ?
carpet in dorm rooms.
3) Maid service for those desiring it.
4) A swimming pool to be built where
the garden in Scott Dorm presently
existsto be stocked in the fall and
winter months with trout for fishing.
5) Gold privileges at a proposed
par-three golf course to be built where the
mall currently is.
6) Vacated Slay Dorm has been
purchased by the "No Tell -Hotel" chain,
and is to be converted into a modem motor
hotel offering reduced rates to students,
and their guests on special weekends.
(Rev. Mullens hastened to add that he had
been strongly opposed to this measure
being taken, and felt it was his moral
obligation to the citizens of Greenville to
oppose it.)
Lemons
Such as conditions are, housing
problems are certainly not confined to the
University alone. A story came to this
reporter's attention this week regarding the
"off campus" situation, and bears
repeating to point out the lack of
communication that exists between
landlords and students;
Recently a newly married couple, Mr.
and Mrs. Billy B. Griffin, enrolled at ECU
and were looking for a house in the
Greenville area. They soon found one,
moved in and were relatively satisfied with
their new home. Upon closer examination
however, Mrs. Griffin discovered the
bathroom commode was missing. Gen-
uinely disturbed, she proceeded to write
the landlord a letter in which she referred
to their missing facility, by using the
initials B.C. instead of writing the whole
word out. The landlord unfortunately
misinterpreted the initials as meaning
"Baptist Church" and replied in the
following manner.
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in
answering your letter, but now take great
pleasure in informing you that the B.C. is
located nine miles from your home and is
capable of seating 250 people. This is very
unfortunate indeed if you are in the habit
of going regularly. But no doubt, you will
be interested to know a great many people
take their lunch and make a day of it. The
last time my wife and I went was two years
ago, and we had to stand the whole
time. It may interest you to know a supper
has been planned to raise more money to
buy more seats. I personally would like to
say that it bothers me not to be able to go
more often, but its surely no lack of desire
on my part. As we grow older, it seems to
be more and more of an effort, particularly
in cold weather.
Hope to see you there soon.
Very truly yours,
Your landlord
And additional complaints or sug-
gestions regarding the housing pro-
blem. . .will not be welcome, and anyone
attempting to make and efforts to improve
the current situation will be subject to
expulsion from the University.
gnats eyelash
ByKAHILKUMQUAT
Staff Writer
The day is coming soon when a little
lemon will have completely smothered the
?world in freshness. Today the trend leans
?strongly to nearly anything lemon-fresh-
fened If it's organic, and if it has that
I touch of lemon, it sells! To note: On the
market today we have lemon-freshened
floor wax, furniture polish, dishwashing
detergent, fabric softeners, fabric
conditioners, clothes-washing detergents,
shampoos, hair conditioners, hair rinces,
air fresheners, salad dressings, make-up,
facial cleansers, you name; not to mention
the actual product that inspired the whole
mess - thelemon.
The day is not so distant when the
entire earth will be enveloped in a thick
yellow film of lemon. Imagine pulling in to
a gas station:
"Yes, sir. May I help you?"
"Yeah, fill 'er up with regular, and add a
touch of lemon for freshness
Or ordering a meal:
"Uh, yes - we'll start with the Lilt
O'Lemmon cocktail and the lady would like
the roast duck garnished with lemon
wedges and a salad with lemon
dressing. I'll have the Citron Bisque and
boiled lemon This all said while sitting
at a secluded table for two exuding a thick
lemon odor; a combination of Loving
Lemon perfume, Dandy Lemon aftershave,
and Lemony Lemon air freshener.
Or maybe during a church service: as
the minister solemnly proceeds up the
aisle with boat and censer gently spilling
trails of smoke, the scent which reaches
you is no bitter, pungent incense, but the
sweet, fresh smell of the lemon.
My capitalist colleagues and I have
been pulled into the lemon rage and are
looking forward to a day in the very near
future when our own contribution will be
put on the shelves of great American
supermarkets. This product called "A Lot
of Lemon" undoubtedly will be universally
popular; it will be packaged in a bright,
yellow and white bio-degradable box
measuring about three inches square. The
product itself will be wrapped in
cellophane (to preserve freshness of
course), before containing it in its adorable
box. Consumers, no doubt, will be most
pleased with the usefulness of "A Lot
O'Lemon It can be used for everything
than any other lemon freshened product
can be used for - and more. As a matter of
fact our product can be used for
? Riggan Shoe ?
: Repair Shop :
? ,?
? ?
? 111W. Fourth ?
Downtown Greenville :
m
anything. And at much less the cost than
if you were to buy every other product
individaully. I should of course mention
that the ingredients are also completely
organic, completely bio-degradable.
As to the exact date the product will
reach the shelves I can say that the bright
white and yellow boxes, and the
cellophane wrappers are ready now, and
I'm certain that it will only be a matter of
about a week for packaging after we
receive our first shipment .of lemons.
EAST CAROLINA
'FISH HOUSE COUNTRY'
GO PIRATES
IN WASHINGTON
Drive a Little and Eat a Lot!
FILET
Ftoundei
ALL YOU CAN EAT
ODDER SWEET FUB
Clams $9:
419 West
Main St.
QBE
TeteBhHt
9461301

io
HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974
mtmmmtm
m0mmmm
Few King Schmuck
A las, a fable In the round
THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF AZURE
By BORIS GHOUL
Staff Writer
This story is entirely fictional, any
similarity between these characters and
actual persons or actual facts is purely
coincidental AND A DIRTY SHAME.
Once upon a time in the year 123 BC a
man named PER lived in a country called
Azure. Since he was the king of this
country it was only fitting that the country
be included in part of his name. He
thought of various combinations but he
had come down to a last resore: Azure-
PER. He still didn't like this name so a
court page suggested the name Blue-Per,
since everyone knows Azure is a shade of
blue, so why not Blue-Per? So it was all
over the domain, the people screamed out
"Hail King Blue-Per "Long live King
Blue-Per that is all but a few. The leader
of these few was convinced that he should
be king so he proclaimed himself, "Almost
Few-King
King Blue-Per decided that in order to
preserve the praise that he got from
mindless dolts that he would do.
something so that the people could always
remember his name, so he established his
Blue-Per chariot system. This chariot
system consisted of two chariots costing
10,000 Lire each. What many didn't know
was that King Blue-Per had taken a
. backkickso as not to be confused with a
kickback) from the chariot maker in order
to supply the royal private treasury. King
Blue-Per was often heard saying, "We have
the most efficient chariot system in the
world (HA HA) King Blue-Per had his
own personal chariot with the license plate
"Blue-U which was his middle
initial. The money went to the "I Like King
Blue-Per" campaign (which was not going
very well).
One of the Azurites that knew of King
Blue-Per's activities was Almost Few-
King, the royal money man who was
lovingly referred to by his followers as
"Schmuck Few-King Schmuck was loyal
to Azurites and wanted to see King
Blue-Per's injustices exposed. Few-King
Schmuck's interest was intensified by
finding that King Blue-Per was going to
sell the hole-in-the-ground business to a
friend in order to receive another
SG-ha Bulletin
By VICTOR BUMPERSHOOT
Staff Writer
The ECU Student Give-a-Hoot
Association (SG-ha) announced today that
the legislature meeting held Monday did
not exist because SG-ha President Sam
Slingleheimer's mind was not present but
had taken leave to contemplate the
choosing of the next basketball coach.
A total of 38 bills were introduced
before the legislature only to be quickly
declared "invalid" by Slingleheimer
because he did not recognize SG-ha
Treasurer Spike (Alphonso) Spustis'
signature on the bills.
"Besides, I haven't received my
traveling expenses to Raleigh, Washing-
ton, D.Cetcetcyet Slingle-
heimer stated, "I'm going to have to
impeach that boy out of MY administration
if he don't start gettin' on the ball
In other exciting and action-packed
SG-ha news, President Slingleheimer
announced that all funds were frozen until
further notice. It seems that he
accidentally dropped the only surviving
copy of the SG-ha budget into the ice
cream truck while trying to decide which
flavor he wanted. (The ice cream truck
happened to have "Your fees at work" on
the back.)
Slingleheimer announced, however,
that emergency funds would be
appropriated to such organizations as the
Kumquat League of Fig Harvesters, the
Federation of Do-gooders and the Keep
Old Maid Alive Card Club to get them
through the hard times they are having.
SG-ha coverage will continue just as
soon as the SG-ha comes back into
existence, or has it ever been in existence?
RESEARCH
Thousands of Topics
$2.75 per page
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LOS ANGELES,CALIF 90025
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Our research material is sold for
research assistance only.
backkick. The hole-in-the-ground busi-
ness was a necessity for many Azurites,
because that's where they kept all th eir
perishable foods and things that they
wanted to stay cold. One of King
Blue-Per's closest friends, Poinson-NBC
had done a good job in cleaning up the
hole-in-the-ground business, (which often
got muddy) but he too was being used by
King Blue-Per.
Few King Schmuck was powerless to
publicly stop King Blue-Per, but privately
he stopped the hole-in-the-ground
deal. Alas as soon as he had stopped it,
there gel I upon the realm a new problem-
the royal decrees on progress.
King Blue-Per decided that since he
was doing such a good job that he would
send out a progress decree to all of his
subjects. However, he was faced with the
problem of how to send them out since
Few-King Schmuch was totally against it.
King Blue-Per said to Few King
Schmuck "Few King, I will have the royal
axeman cut off your head if you do not
send out the decrees Few King decided
to mess up the King's head with his
reply: "May a camel slowly relieve himself
on your throne With this King Blue-Per
stormed out of the royal chamber
screaming, "I am the king, the king, the
king
This problem finally went before the
Royal Board of Wizards which, decided for
Almost Few-King Schmuck. This made
King Blue-Per furious and he appealed to
the only power higher in the world, the
Royal Master of Fire and Wind. The Royal
Master lowed King Blue-Per and without
batting an eyelash he said "follow the
decision of King Blue-Per And so it
was. The Royal Decrees would have been
sent out except for many outraged
subjects who protested after finally
leaming some of the backdoor politics the
King played. The king feared them after
they made banners and put them all ovia
the kingdom saying "Down with Kir
Blue-Per and "Death to King Blue-Per.n
General Ulysses S. Lee, another r
King Blue-Per's right hand men, cand
rushing to the Royal Palace one nigf?
exclaiming: "Your majesty, many of yoi
subjects have gone mad and are running M
the streets clad only in their birthd
suits e
"Well let's hasten to watch them tr0
king said (being a bit of a voyeur).
"Before we go said Ulysses, "drink F
this "What is it?" asked the king takir
the silver goblet in his hand. s
"It is power your majesty, the sweeter-
flavor in the world said the general wr
had drunk too much of this already. "
"Power, power the king exclaimed
he drank not ont gobletfull, but si
goblet sful I.
Quickly Kng Blue-Per and the
hastened to the site of the Rites of Spri
celebration. The subjects were frolicki
merrily in the streets watching m
charioteers race up the Appain Way
"Power, Power was all the kir
could say as he mingled among h
subjects. He was so powerdrunk that h
subjects turned away in revulsion.
"Look at our king they exclaimed i
one another as slowly every eye fell upc
King Blue-Per.
"Power, power he said again ar
again as the subjects began to do;
around him in a mounting rage.
"Kill our disgraceful fake of a king
shouted his subjects as they move
toward him. And so it was King Blue-Pe
the powerdrunk autocrat was ironical
killed by four kumquats thrown out
nearby boarding house window. '
Moral: Kings care or. of themselv?)
and don't care if you do rot, but watch
king run and hide his head in shame whc
faced with four kumquats. '
?????
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:









"Guiness'
well known ft
feats, skills a
about the re
contains fa
regarding les;
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Cline Bellow
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miss.
The Worlc
Buzz Worthin
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over a loekee
it. The Worlc
also by Buzz
The Worlc
Bo(
The East
division has
for athletes.
Know You've
When
A few exei
You know
when you ha
button of youi
You know
when you w
spinning and
asleep on yoi
You know
when you t
girlfriend's m
exact change
You know
when you ar
sound of y
envelope.
Ex-g
Sont
is dc
Ex-footbal
reported doini
Virginia. All
too, accord in
Old Sonn
pro. His wife
gave parties f
she always I
black players'
And we all
excited about
new car, givei
who thought
restraining hii
Cavaliers, rigl
The press
from Sonny c
went somethii
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a tookpick
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Dut them all ov?a
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and men, can?
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1










mmmmmm
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HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974
ii
Sports
Guiness'book
has additions
"Guiness' World Book of Records" is
well known for its recorded abundance of
feats, skills and facts. A little known fact
about the record book is that it also
contains facts, figures and names
regarding lesser accomplishments. A few
of these feats follow:
The World Worst Circus Act belongs to
Cline Bellow who jumps from the top of
the circus' arena on to a unicycle which
doesn't have a seat, and he prefers to
miss.
The World's Worst Streak belongs to
Buzz Worthington who once ran nude 14
miles. Buzz completed his trip by jumping
over a locked turnstile .almost making
it. The World's Loudest Scream is held
also by Buzz Worthington.
The World's Worst Cruise is held by
Thor Nytol who attempted to sail across
the Red Sea on a hollow log just to prove
than an Egyptian can drown just as easily
as the next guy.
The World's Worst Invention is a
tie. George Peach invented teflon-coated
underwear and Robert Wire invented a
nuclear-powered floor mop. Mr. Wire's
invention failed miserably, because it cost
17 million dollars.
The World's Worst quote belongs to Dr.
Opps Ortega. The doctor had just
transplanted the brain of a young calf into
the thoracic cavity of a 12-year old
boy. Ortega commented, "I'll do anything
for a laugh
The World's Worst Photograph is an 8 x
10 of WECU's Alan Dehmer graduating
from the Durwood Kirby School of
Announcing.
Booklet 'pub lished
The East Carolina Sports Medicine
division has published a special booklet
for athletes. The publication is titled "You
Know You've Had Too Much To Drink
When
A few exerpts from the booklet follow:
You know you've had too much to drink
when you have trouble buttoning the last
button of your pajamas, and its your navel.
You know you've had too much to drink
when you wake up and your head is
spinning and you found out that you fell
asleep on your stereo turntable.
You know you've had too much to drink
when you toss a quarter into your
girlfriend's mouth and then you kiss the
exact change basket.
You know you've had too much to drink
when you are rudely awakened by the
sound of your neighbor licking an
envelope.
Ex-grid coach
Sonny Randle
is doing well
Ex-football coach Sonny Randle is
reported doing just fine at the University of
Virginia. All the players hate him there
too, according to latest information.
Old Sonny had a great career as a
pro. His wife got into the act too. She
gave parties for the player's wives, except
she always lost the invitations for the
black players' wives. Tsk, tsk.
And we all remember how Sonny got so
excited about his new job that he drove his
new car, given to him by Pirate supporters
who thought there was a slim chance of
restraining him from leaving to coach the
Cavaliers, right off the road.
The press was always told to stay away
from Sonny on game day. The usual line
went something like this: "Randle gets so
tight on game day that you couldn't knock
a tookpick up his &i with a
sledgehammer
You know you've had too much to drink
when you shatter your eardrums by biting
into Jello.
You know you've had too much to drink
when your wife makes you sleep in the
bathrom because your nose serves as a
perfect nightlight.
You know you've had too much to drink
when you try starting your car by blowing
into the ignition .and you succeed.
New name
In response to the demands of East
Carolina University's large female sector,
Pirate athletic director Clarence Stasavich,
today acknowledged that, in future
women's swimming meets, the 50-yard
breastroke would be renamed "the 50-yard
mammary gland stroke
"It seems Stasavich confessed, "that
these women feel that the word 'breast'
has a purient connotation, especially when
used in the same sentence with a word
such as 'women
"Personally, I don't feel that way about
breasts Stasavish continued. "Hell, to
me all this renaming business just looks
like a case of tat for tit
Large female spokeswoman Bertha
Plantation felt otherwise. "The East
Carolina University woman has too long
been considered as merely a sex object
she claimed, "this view of our women by
the men is ridiculous
WRONG ANDERSON IS SHOWN HERE reading to Dr. Lao Jenkins armounoamant that
Anderson would be named to the football staff of Pat Dye. Anderson cc wanted, "We
occasionally cut off Butch Strawderman's fingernails and smoke them
New coach named
New East Carolina head football coach
Pat Dye recently announced that he has
raised his new staff to 48. The most recent
addition was Wrong Anderson who was
hired exclusively for the purpose of serving
as assistant coach in charge of helping
second string linebackers pass library
science.
Dye drawled, "Weeeeeee armrmr quite
pleazed to have a man of Wrong s calibre
join the staff. He is a welcomed relief
Anderson, 25, comes to East Carolina
from Blackpool, England where he
Netters render service
In response to a plea from Chancellor
Leo W. Jenkins,East Carolina University
Athletic Director Clarence Stasavich has
ordered the Pirate tennis team to be on
"Red Alert" for the expected locust attack
on Greenville next week.
"That's fine with me said Stasavich.
"Now we can cancel the tennis schedule
and pour more money into football
Jenkins reportedly asked Stasavich to
have the tennis team man their racquets,
operating on the theory that the locusts
would be swatted from the sky.
"They weren't contributing anything
towards the Commissioner's Cup
anyway said Stasavich.
The intramural office has just
announced the donation of the champion
Kappa Sigma badmitton team to aid in the
protection of Greenville.
coached for eight years at Morgan
University. Many sports experts criticized
his style of play and many thought him to be
thick as a brick.
He was especially inept at winding his
team up for those big benefit
performances and at Morgan University he
coached his first All-England, Gerald
Bostock.
In May of 1973 Anderson decided to
visit America and he and his band of four
assistant coaches loved the country and
they wanted to stay and coach over
here. So Anderson hooked on at ECU and
the other four are still searching.
Anderson is married to the former
"cross-eyed" Mary Pawtucket and they
have one child, Jeffrey, aged 28.
Anderson's coaching philosophy is an
odd one in that his ability to communicate
with the players is often hidden behind
obscure and bizarre signals. Said
Anderson, "Football is a difficult game to
watch, therefore it should be aa hard
possible for the players on the field
Sonny Randle wears Indian underwear.
They are always creepin' up on him.
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12
HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974
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Jacqueinks
EAST CAROLINA FOOTBALL COACH Pat Dye was elated following the signing
of Georgia's Duhmn Jaoque, shown hers at a high school practice, was one of
the most sought after student-athletes In America. Dye said that Jacque will be
a tremendous addition to the Pirate squad as soon as he learns how to write his
name.
NAME: Duhmn Jacque
HOMETOWN: Decatur City, Georgia
HEIGHT AND WEIGHT: 6'4380 lbs.
POSITION: slow tackle
INTENDED MAJOR: Undecided
FAVORITE FOOD: beans and liver
FAVORITE ACTRESS: Phyllis Diller
FAVORITE SONG: Green-eyed Lady
HOBBIES: building sandcastlee
WHY ECU? the folks here sure are nice
Well I'm all for leaving and that being
done,
I've put in a request to take up my turn
In that forsaken paradise that calls itself
Hell,
Where no one has nothing and nothing is
well
Meaning fool, pick up thy bed and rise,
Up from your gloom smiling.
Give me your hate and do as the loving
heathen do.
Jack Rabbit mister, spawn a new breed
Of hungry-loving pilgrims, no bodies to
feed.
Show me a good man and I'll show you the
door,
The last hymn is sung and the devil cries
more.
FREE
IncomeTax
Assistance
Sponsor: ECU Accounting
Society
Race: Wright Annex 305
Wnen: Feb. 1-15; March 5-
April15
Time: MonFri 36;
Sat 10-12
SHONEY S DIG BOY
UNDER NEW
MANAGEMENT
SAVE
$.60
m
? ii III ?? IMl
This Coupon Good
for one slice freshly
made Strawberry
pie with any
combinationor dinner
order
Expires April 30.
us i?uhwipi?w
LOOKING FOR A CONTACT LENS? NO! Reggie Plckney watches helplessly as
the first of his teammates succumb to that most dreaded of all football
diseases-Tullianism. It has been feared that the passion filled play of the "Wild
Dogs" would lead to this.
STUDENT PUBLICATIONS
Now is the time for you to get involved
in Student Publications. The following
positions are available:
1. Editor of the 1974 Student Handbook.
2. Editor of the 1974 ? 75 Buccaneer,
Fountainhead, and Rebel publications.
3. membership on the East Carolina
University Publications Board which
governs all student sponsored publications
4. Publications Board Photographer.
Applications for these positions may be
filed in the office of the Dean of Student
Affairs through Friday April 5th.
Screenings will be held in April.
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