[This text is machine generated and may contain errors.]
North Carolina Libraries
TABLE OF CONTENTS
THEME ARTICLES: LIBRARY HUMOR
ISSN 0029-2540
3 Forewarned, Rose Simon and David Fergusson
5 From the President
6 Virginia Dare: Our First Librarian, Mark Schumacher
10 Revolutionary Research Report, Patsy Hansel
12 Negative Library Growth, Norman D. Stevens
13 Top Ten Reasons to End Bookmobile Service (Not Seen on
oLate Night with David Letterman�), David Fergusson
14 Hubris, Heresy, and Hearsay, Gayle Ann Fishel and
Plummer Alston Jones, Jr.
tS) Drugs in the Library: Any Substance to Rumors? Peter
Schledorn
20 Guess You Had To Be There, Lisa Dalton and Laura
, Davidson
fa 23 Fun at OTKelly Library, Mae L. Rodney
24 Rereclassification at a Semipublic Library, Arnold Ziffel
25 The List of Oliver Quantrell, Dan Horn
29 Proverbs, Maxims, and True Sayings for Reference
Librarians, Revised
31 Students, and Libraries: In Their Own Words, John
Lubans
33 M-I-C-K-E-Y M-I-C-R-O, Frank Newton
35 Carols for Catalogers, Suzanne Eggleston
36 The LC-NC Connection, Norman D. Stevens |
~ 38 Spine Tinglers: Real Titles in Real (North Carolina)
Libraries, Dorothy D. Hodder and Robert G. Anthony, :
40 Humor in the School Library, Janet Plummer
41 The Last Librarian, Harry Katz
44 Tar Heel Books = MAY |
P 47 Library News Briefs :
OTHER ARTICLES fh
y 55 Begins in Back of Issue
FEATURES
bi Begins in Back of Issue
é Si Michael LaCroix, "POINT: Librarians DO Have a Sense Advertisers: Baker & Taylor, 2, 50; Book Wholesalers, 74;
*ootumor," North Carolina Libraries 48 (Spring 1990): 61. Broadfoot's, 45; Capital Consortium, 70; Ebsco, 13; FAXON, 4;
H.W. Wilson, 9; Mumford Books, 60; Quality Books, 52; SIRS,
inside front cover; Southeastern Microfilm, 18; Salem Press, 27;
UNC Press, inside back cover.
V
,lume 48, Number 1 Spring 1990
GREAT WAYS.
Our mascots, Baker and Taylor, represent
a company that doesnTt pussyfoot around
when it comes to meeting your needs.
Our inventory, for example, is -
the largest of any book distribu-
tor. We ve got over 10 million
books comprising over 14,000
ublishers " ped bain from
tsellers and childrenTs books
to hard-to-find titles. We also
offer spoken-word audio and
simple,
free electronic software, BE ~i
a
: ublic libraries,
we're definitely the cat's meow. Let
Us prove it to you. Call the Baker &
. Taylor Books division nearest you.
INTERNATIONAL
BAKER & TAYLOR Books
a GRACE Distribution company
WETRE LEADING THE WAY."
Eastern Division " 50 Kirby Avenue, P.O. Box 734, Somerville, NJ 08876-0734; (800) 233-9811; (800) 524-2486 (in Canada); « Midwestern Division "" 501 South Gladiolus
Street, Momence, ll. 60954-1799; (800) 435-1845; (800) 892-1879 (in IL); « Southern Division " Mt. Olive Rd., Commerce, GA 30599-9988; (800) 241-6000; (800) 282-6850
(in GA); * Western Division " 380 Edison Way, Reno, NV 89564-0099; (800) 648-3944; (702) 786-6700 (in NV. call collect), (800) 648-3944 (in Canada); » international Sales
" Baker & Taylor International, 1114 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10036-7794, U.S.A.; (212) 819-7474; Telex: 7607824 BTBKS UC; Fax: (212) 819-7481; Cable:
FASBAT NEW YORK.
2"Spring 1990
© 1990 Baker & Taylor Books
Forewarned
Rose Simon and David Fergusson, Guest Editors
What do librarians think is funny about their
_ work? Do catalogers and reference librarians
_ laugh at the same things? Do directors laugh at
all? These and similar musings led to the effort to
- produce this collection of (mostly) homegrown
| North Carolina library humor. It is an assortment
of anecdotes, parodies, short stories, and drawings
that reflect our own vision of incongruity, inconsis-
tency, and absurdity in a microcosm dedicated to
order, preservation, and intellectual excellence.
Humor in the library enlivens and enriches what
could otherwise be a lengthy series of singularly
routine workdays.
Gathering this collection of humor has been a
surprisingly challenging task. Apparently the only
profession less likely than librarians to admit
publicly that they can make light of their work is
the clergy. Not all of the material received and
reviewed has been included. The most surprising
discovery, or rediscovery, has been that regardless
of oneTs type of library or job title, we do not all
agree on what is or is not funny. Submissions that
sent some into convulsions of mirth left others as
stone-faced as the denizens of Easter Island. Some
of the least funny (hence, rejected) material was
produced by ourselves. Items selected for inclusion
in this issue were approved by a consensus of
chuckles. We hope that you will find most, if not
all, of them to your taste, and that you thoroughly
enjoy this outlandish portrayal of our professional
encounters with chaos, madness, and plain bad
karma. al
Spring 1990"3
sbe}sio) 1987 1988
PRODUCT Very,
Penis is a critical concern in todayTs library. That's why more and more decision makers are looking
into Faxon. We can be the best source for all of your journal and continuation subscriptions. Our services
enable you to devote your valuable personnel resources to other crucial library functions. »
As a full service agent with access to more than 200,000 different periodicals, we can handle
ordering, claiming, check-in, and routing. Our growing international network links you to other
libraries, publishers, online systems, and networks.
If you can profit from improved productivity, a call to Faxon figures.
1-800-225-6055
or 1-617-329-3350 (collect)
fa:0n
The Faxon Company 15 Southwest Park Westwood, MA 02090
4"Spring 1990
Libraries
U
!
for the O's
From the President
This will be my last presidentTs column for
North Carolina Libraries and I am sure that after
you have read this issue, you will say ogood rid-
dance�. It has been a year of triumph and heart-
break for the association and certainly a year
when the phrase owhat if ...� looms large. As those
of you who have had the pleasure of serving with
me on the Executive Board during the triennium
are aware, had we been awarded the prestigious
Morton Watson Grant, the association would be
facing NO SHORTAGE of money, and we could
dictate our future, moulding minds, building infor-
mation highways, and dressing pretty well, des-
tined to change libraries throughout the next
decade. What if ...
Also, now that we have survived the
three recounts, we are announcing the officers for
the next ennium. Although most of you have
doubtless not heard of the candidates that have
been declared winners, the method of settling the
disputed election (see North Carolina Libraries,
Spring-Fall 1990) seemed the least divisive and
rather unusual! All fourteen of the co-officers are
introduced in this issue.
Prepare now to attend the conference
next year! The theme I have chosen is oLibraries
... and Seafood!� As you know, the conference will
be held in New Bern. Our friends with the New
Bern Chamber of Commerce made the highest bid
for the conference and not only will the association
be substantially richer, but the IBM PS 6000
donated for the association offices and the stuffed
marlin for the wall will be welcome additions.
Once again, Dr. Park will be our keynote speaker
and has bid $325.00 to make his usual interesting
speech. We almost had Charlie Robinson, but he
only bid $200.00. I know, What if...
Finally, I commend to you the articles in
this issue. They are some of the most insightful
we have featured in many years and will not only
make you think about your profession (and it is a
true profession), but will make you think. I know
[had to. Thank you for the wonderful year and the
oFry Baby�. I know the association is in good
hands, but I am not sure whose. See you in New
Bern!
Libraries
ISIG
Cc)
Spring 1990"5
Virginia Dare: Our First Librarian
Mark Schumacher
In the winter of 1989, a candidate for a library
science faculty position at UNC-Greensboro spoke
on the role of serendipity in biographical library
research. Little did I realize at the time that ser-
endipity would lead me to make a major discovery
in the area of U.S. library history: that Virginia
Dare, the first English child born in North Amer-
ica, was among the first librarians in the Ameri-
can colonies, and probably the first public librar-
ian in North Carolina.
I came across the lucky clue which led to this
startling revelation while filing away a stack of old
issues of Tar Heel Libraries in my attic. The house
has been in my family for generations, and a
number of my forebears, including Louis Round
Schumacher and Peter Francisco Schumacher,
were librarians in North Carolina before me. The
house is full of library memorabilia. In a dark
corner of the attic, I came upon some tattered,
badly deteriorated copies of what seemed to be a
magazine called American Colonies Libraries.
They were crumbling, and very fragile, but I could
just make out the date of September 1615 on one
of them. The cover, half-eaten by silverfish, pro-
claimed what at first seemed to be an exhortation
to our profession, or perhaps the theme of the 1616
ACLA (American Colonies Library Association)
midwinter conference"held, even in those days, in
Chicago.! Instead, as I was to learn, it was an-
nouncing a simple, historic, and yet long-forgotten
fact. It said
Dare to be a Librarian
Of course, it has long been assumed that the
settlers of Roanoke Island, and among them Vir-
ginia Dare, perished mysteriously in the late
1580Ts. Although rumors and legends continue to
. this day concerning these first English colonists,
no conclusive evidence has ever surfaced to ex-
plain their fate. Yet here was news, a quarter of a
century after their disappearance, that Virginia
Dare has decided to become a librarian! From the
crumbling pages, I learned only that Virginia had
Mark Schumacher is a Reference Librarian at Jackson
Library, UNC Greensboro
6"Spring 1990
given up her study of medieval French literature
and the semiotics of archaic Greek philosophy to
pursue a career in librarianship. (The early 1600s,
it appears, were as tough on folks in the humani-
ties as the 1970s were.) No other details were
provided in the ACL article, but excited by what
I had discovered, I decided to devote as much
energy as I could to uncovering more about Vir-
giniaTs library work. In the months that followed,
I tracked down every lead I could find. Unfortu-
nately, due to arcane concerns over National Se-
curity, many sources and some of the existing
information about Ms. Dare were not available to
me. For example, it seems that the CBI (Colonial
Bureau of Investigation) had a program for many
years to monitor the reading patterns of all indi-
viduals known to be supportive of the so-called
oIndependence Movement.� And although it is
known that CBI agents of the oLibrary Alert Pro-
gram� contacted Virginia in 1622 and again in the
1640Ts, no documents concerning these meetings
are yet available to the public! Nevertheless, some
elements of a tentative biography do emerge.
Education
In the days before information science, educa-
tional media, LANs and hypertext, library educa-
tion was a far simpler proposition. In fact, the only
ACLA-accredited library schools in North America
in the early seventeenth century were at the
branches of LP (Library of Parliament) in Boston.
and Annapolis. Students were recommended for
admission by members of the House of Lords or by |
the colonial governors; the GREs were totally
optional. Virginia attended classes in Annapolis,
studying the standard library subjects of the day:
preservation of incunabula, history of royal librar-
ies, hand-press operation: graphic media for the
library; and (a relatively new course), cataloging
of non-manuscript materials. She specialized in
rural librarianship, there being little else for li-
brarians in North Carolina. Her academic record
was excellent; her transcript shows that she re-
ceived eleven grades of opassed� and only one
ofailed,� which allowed her to be nominated and
elected to Bee Eff Em, a library honor society
founded in 1528 by Henry VIII to commemorate
Several of his wives, who had been librarians be-
fore they married. Her graduating class (1618)
Was, in fact, the last to operate as a thirty-six-hour
program. The following year, all LP library schools
throughout the empire adopted a two-year, forty-
eight-hour curriculum, as mandated by King
" I. As a report to the king stated, it was felt
at
oBeginning librarians shoulde be
trained not only in the basicke con-
ceptes of the librarie arts, but in the
application of these conceptes as welle.
They must be taughte the latest
tecknologies: the booke catalogue, the
printing presse, and muche moore. A
longer programme of study is there fore
necessarie to mould these younge peple
into the outstanding proffessionals we
neede today.�
_ Unfortunately, while the evolution of colonial
library eduction is most fascinating, it must re-
Main the subject of another study.
Early Career
; Following the completion of her studies at LP,
Virginia Dare returned to Edenton, North Caro-
lina. She was forced to work for several months as
4 part-time semiotician, at minimum wage, before
being appointed Adult Services Coordinator of the
Edenton and the Surrounding Area Public Li-
brary, (North Carolina was much less administra-
tively compartmentalized in 1619 than it is today.)
It was in this position that Virginia developed a
number of significant outreach programs. These
Were aimed both at minority groups, in particular
white Europeans (with whom Virginia had, of
Course, a natural affinity) and, more importantly,
to the large native American clientele of the re-
S1on. Her writings on outreach, originally pub-
lished in ACL and Southeastern Colonies Librar-
~an, were gathered together in How! We do it
Right! A Guide to Library-Community Relations
in the New World.T The only extant copy of this
work was discovered in the basement of Tryon
Palace in the 1940s (and immediately reprinted by
Kraus in their oClassics of Colonial American Li-
brarianship� series.) The title of this volume, in
fact, with a slight change of punctuation, has
Spawned a whole genre of writing about the library
profession.
After six years in Edenton, Virginia moved on
to a branch of the Outer Banks Regional Library
System, working in the now-defunct coastal vil-
lage of Goose, only a few miles north of her birth-
place in Roanoke Island. As the only professional
in a small and rather isolated library, she was in
charge of all aspects of the unitTs operation. It was
here in Goose that she began her now legendary
work in preservation of library materials.
Because of its location too near the shore, and
inadequate colony funding to provide a more
modern building elsewhere, the library in Goose
suffered a great deal of weather-related damage.*
Storms and high tides caused by hurricanes bat-
tered the thin-walled building mercilessly. Follow-
ing the back-to-back ravages, in 1630, of Hurri-
cane 1 and Hurricane 2 (the current naming sys-
tem not yet being in place), scores of volumes were
badly damaged by sea water. Virginia and her
colleagues realized that something had to be done
immediately if any of the volumes were to be
saved. Despite working with inadequate ACSI
(American Colonial Standards Institute) guide-
lines for book preservation, she managed to devise
a box into which the books could be placed, and
which, by a process involving ionized, distilled
water, greatly alleviated the damage caused by
the corrosive salt in the sea water. Later the books
were carefully dried, using techniques shown to
her by her Native American coworkers. In fact, the
contributions of one particular Indian, named
Paskwo, were honored by Ms. Dare when she
applied for a Royal Patent for her preservation
device in 1634. She called it a Paskwo Tank, a
term still found widely in northeastern North
Carolina.
The Harvard Connection
Her work in various areas of librarianship
brought her ever-growing attention from the pro-
fession. In fact, in the fall of 1638, she was invited
by the governors of Harvard College to apply for
the position of Head Librarian at the fledgling
institution. Records which I recently discovered in
the College archives indicate that the interview,
lasting two days in November, went very well,
(considering that it had taken Virginia over six
weeks just to get to Cambridge). Her presentation
to the search committee, oResource Networking in
the Multiversity: the Role of the Library,� was
truly visionary, if perhaps slightly inappropriate.
However, she seemed to have all the qualifications
that the college was looking for, and was certainly
interested in the position. As she wrote to Paskwo,
oThere is muche to be saide for this Yankee insti-
tution and its loftie goales of educating this lands
younge men.� However, when she was offered the
post, she found that the salary was much inferior
to that of the other faculty, all of whom were men.
Spring 1990"7
She therefore turned down the offer, writing to
Nathaniel Eaton in part, oI am much aggrieved
that, despite the comparable value which I woulde
bringe to the College, you have found it reasonable
to offer me a relative pittance, when contrasted to
the salaries you give to youre (male) proffessors.
Under thes circumstances, I can but refuse the
positione, and seeke employ else where.� Thus
Virginia Dare became one of the first to recognize
the inherent inequities of salary which arise in
predominately female professions.
Building Early Networks
The final chapter of Virginia DareTs profes-
sional career was spent at the University of the
North Coast, at Castle Hayne (just north of
Wilmington), a small private school which closed
about 1710, following years of financial difficulties.
UNC-CH, as it was known, was one of the earliest
institutions of higher learning in Eastern North
Carolina, and prided itself on the quality of its
library. In her several years as oDean� of Librar-
ies there, Virginia introduced a number of impor-
tant innovations, particularly in the areas of net-
working. Her work with the Tidewater Regional
Library Network, amplifying earlier efforts with
the Ocracoke-Croatan Library Clubs (OCLC),
spearheaded multi-type library resource sharing
in this part of the New World. And although it was
not implemented during her tenure at UNC-CH
(innumerable glitches kept cropping up), Dare
worked with an Irish library consulting firm,
based in Dublin, to develop a highly mechanized
ointegral system� to be known as LS/1700.
The Later Years
By this time Virginia, now almost sixty, was
beginning to think about retirement. Her judicious
investments in the Colonial Retired Educators
Fund (CREF) assured her a fairly comfortable
existence without financial worries. She decided to
settle near Beaufort, where she opened one of the
first bed and breakfast inns on the Carolina coast.
Perched above the beach, it was appropriately
named oOverdune.� She died in Beaufort about
1660 (again some information remains sketchy),
and although the location of her grave site re-
mains highly classified, I did manage to obtain the
text of her epitaph. This final note is in fact the
most curious aspect of my entire Virginia Dare
investigation. For in the brief inscription there
appear eerie reference to the names of four future
giants of the library world. I close with the simple
text:
8"Spring 1990
oDo we know how lifeTs travailes did cut her?
Few were as strong and wise as she. He who would
seek to best her, manages it not!� ®
References
1. Chicago: from the Algonquian, meaning ofrigid winter meet-
ing place.�
2. Royal Academy for Library Study and Education (RALISE).
Annual Report. London: The Academy (Distributed by HMSO),
1617.
3. Dare, Virginia. HOW! We Do It Right! A Guide to Library-
Community Relations in the New World. New Bern, N.C.: Far-
rand Publishing, 1650.
4. Ironically, construction of one of the last libraries to be funded
by the Carnegie Corporation was in the final stages of comple-
tion when the killer hurricane of April 1924 destroyed most of
Goose, causing the entire population to resettle in an area called
Duck Estates North.
5. Dare Collection, Harvard College Archives. (1/2 linear foot).
6. Personal communication from the Deputy Assistant Director
for Colonial Affairs, Federal Bureau of Investigation, May 14,
1989.
ich (Tole) il -icer-Je) \/-aare)(-@)a\e R@Xe)Y.-|ce(e(=
Diamond
Special
Introductory
Offer
Jubilee
BULL E. Pen
75 Years of Commitment to Librarianship
SUBSCRIBE NOW FOR ONLY $23
Now, more than ever, Wilson Library Bulletin
is required reading. In print for 75 years, this
noted periodical has established a reputation for
providing wide ranging, in-depth coverage of
the library community"in an up-to-date, lively,
and sometimes controversial style"on develop-
ments, trends, and events that affect your
day-to-day work.
Innovative Coverage;
Traditional Quality
Wilson Library Bulletin now offers more news, ar-
ticles, and special reports. More features, reviews,
illustrations, and cartoons. More pages. More
color. In short, there's more of everything you
need"plus a new editor to bring it all together.
However, one thing remains the same: the
Wilson Library Bulletin tradition of excellence
that our readers have enjoyed for three-quarters
of a century.
"Wilson Library Bulletin is essential
reading for librarians...in all kinds of
libraries."
" Richard De Gennaro,
Director
The New York Public Library
Here's a sampling of Wilson Library Bulletin's
coverage:
¢ School Librarians"issues and trends in
teaching basic reference skills...censorship...
The Booktalker supplement by Joni Bodart
¢ Public Librarians"updates on govern-
ment legislation... management issues...
computer applications
Special Librarians"inside information
about database searching and online technol-
ogy... profiles and interviews with others in
the field
@ Academic and Research Librarians"
articles by guest and regular writers on the li-
brary's role in academia...growth of fee-based
services.
Special Introductory Offer
Wilson Library Bulletin is marking its 75th anniver-
sary with a special DIAMOND JUBILEE offer to
new subscribers: You pay only $23* for your first
year's subscription. Contact us today to receive
your first issue as soon as possible.
Note: Offer good through June 30, 1990
oIn the U.S. and Canada only; $26 in other countries
Monthly (Exceptin July and August) Special Introductory Subse ription Rates:$23 in the U.S. and Canada; $26 in other countries
The H.W. Wilson Company
950 University Avenue, Bronx, New York 10452
TO ORDER: Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-367-6770. In New York State, call 1-800-462-6060;
In Canada, call collect 1-212-588-8400. Or, telefax 1-212-590-1617.
Spring 1990"9
Revolutionary Research Report
Patsy Hansel
Reprinted with permission.
For many years now I have pondered the
problem of peripherals in picking personnel. We
all know that every applicant takes certain char-
acteristics, primarily physical characteristics, into
a job interview, and that these characteristics,
whether they are likely to affect job performance
or not, affect whether or not the applicant is hired
for the position. I have been concerned that these
peripherals, as they will henceforth be known
universally, have not been given serious treatment
in the literature of management and, more impor-
tantly, librarianship. What I have longed for is a
definitive guide to how much weight (ovalue�)
various peripherals carry in the typical library
managerTs search for the typical library position.
Failing in my own search for such a guide, I have
rectified the situation through my own rigorous
research.
For the past forty-seven years, I have been
interviewing library managers (17,492 in all) from
all types of libraries. These obliging managers
have discussed with me in depth their approach to
interviewing applicants for positions and what
criteria they use in making their own personnel
selection decisions. As a group, these managers
have filled 271,276 positions in their collective
time. I have myself unobtrusively observed over
70,000 of the interviews conducted for these posi-
tions. I then correlated the characteristics of those
applicants chosen to fill positions with those of the
applicants who were in fact the applicants who
would have been able to do the jobs best (overlap
rate: 7%). The results of my investigations have
been distilled into The Peripherals Index Quotient
Index (PIQI), a meaty tome available in return for
acashierTs check from anybody mailed to me in the
Patsy Hansel served as Assistant Director at the Cumber-
land County Public Library and Information Center in
Fayetteville, N C and as President of NCLA in 1987-89. She
is now Director of the Williamsburg Regional Library in
Williamsburg, Virginia. oRevolutionary Research Report�
was first published in MsManagement: A publication of
the NCLA Round Table on the Status of Women in Li-
brarianship; v. 1, no. 5 (August 1983).
10"Spring 1990
amount of $275.00. For the purposes of this article,
I have compiled a chart of the characteristics
which the mass of librarians can be expected t0
find most interesting. [The complete PIQI in
cludes, in 1,576 pages, 72,133 characteristics and
their relevant arcane permutations for every li
brary position which has ever existed in thé
United States (the international edition is sched
uled for publication in 1992) with exact values for
each. ]
The PIQ Index assumes as basic that males
have a head start of 5. After that, values for vari
ous attributes turn out not to be as predictable a8
one might, on facile reflection, assume. Comment
about anything in the chart or in the completé
PIQI, as well as recommendations for additional
characteristics to be included in the first PIQ!
revision, are welcome. Quibbling with assigned
PIQ values is not worth your time or mine, Tcaus?
these are the facts.
Values for the Peripherals Index Quotient
(PIQ, pronounded opick�) from the
Peripherals Index Quotient Index (PIQI
Sex of Applicant Male (+5)
Peripherals
oyoung�
child-bearing years
oold�
*Married
*with children
Single
Deep voice
soft voice
oMasculine�
oFeminine�
short
very short
tall
very tall
Dressed for Success
dressed better
than interviewer
attractive
homely
stunning
long hair
worn in bun
basic Yankee
accent in South
basic Southern
accent in North
Brooklyn
accent anywhere
but Brooklyn
overweight -1
skinny neutral
just right +2
pregnant N/A
Spouse pregnant +4
oThese are so incredibly complicated that you'll just
have to get hold of the complete PIQI to figure it out.
Spring 1990"11
Negative Library Growth
Norman D. Stevens
Reprinted with Permission of the Haworth Press
This paper, which appeared originally in the
U*n*a*b*a*s*h*e*d Librarian (Number 13, Fall
1974, p. 6), was inspired by an ad in Library
Journal, although problems with remote book
return boxes at the University of Connecticut
Library also contributed to the approach to help-
ing control library growth described here.
KOR OR
Drastic problems sometimes require radical
solutions. While zero library growth now is receiv-
ing much attention, The Molesworth Institute has
been engaged for several years in research de-
signed to help libraries achieve negative library
growth. This research was undertaken in response
to a request from a major research library faced
with severe space problems, stabilizing budgets,
an inadequate circulation system, a book drop
system that simply didnTt work, as well as a host
of other problems.
After much study of conventional solutions
which proved either too expensive or too complex,
we recommended a simple, inexpensive solution
which soon proved to have dramatic impact. At a
total cost of under $5,000, three paper disintegra-
tors manufactured by the Security Engineered
Machinery Co., Inc. (see Library Journal 96:1951,
1971) were installed in place of the conventional
book return collection points. Two were installed
initially as remote location collection points and
one within the library. They proved so effective,
however, that within a year the one in the library
was moved to another remote location and a larger
model was installed in the library .
By reducing all books being returned to oa
mass of tiny, confetti-like particles,� this system
has had truly startling effects. Negative library
growth has been accomplished; the collections
have been reduced from 1,495,327 volumes to
Norman Stevens is Director of the University of Connecti-
cut Library in Storrs, CT. He is best known in library
circles as the Director of the Molesworth Institute. His
humorous articles have appeared in numerous library
publications, many of them collected in his Archives of
Library Research from the Molesworth Institute (Haworth
Press, 1978).
12"Spring 1990
1,233,608.5 volumes in less than three years.
Space problems have been reduced and plans for
a new building have been abandoned at a saving
of at least $15 million. Rather than being forced to
install an expensive computerbased circulation
system, the library has been able to totally aban-
don its circulation system at an annual savings of
at least $75,000. Cataloging has been abandoned
as well and books are simply shelved alphabeti-
cally by author at an annual savings of at least
$400,000. Weeding is automatic, users are insured
of getting more new and valuable material and
less old and outdated material since all savings
have been put into the book fund.
Most importantly, however, this new ap-
proach has entirely eliminated the rubbish-picking
activities of the curious which, in the past, had
created serious litter and public relations prob-
lems for the library. It also, of course, represents
a major contribution to paper recycling efforts.
A few faculty members are unhappy over the
loss of their favorite texts but administrators and
students alike are extremely pleased since faculty
members are now forced to update their readings,
and their thinking, constantly. Some traditional-
ists feel that the library has lost its research po-
tential but that is a small price to pay for the
enormous savings that have been achieved.
A complete 10-page report on this major study
entitled Negative Library Growth; How We
Run Our Library Excellent (Storrs, Connecti-
cut, 1974) is available for $50 from The Moles-
worth Institute.
Cr) A} a a A
Top Ten Reasons to
End Bookmobile Service
(Not Seen on oLate Night with David Letterman�)
David Fergusson
10. A panel of three guys on oOprah� agreed
that bookmobiles offer the obest possible method of
Service.�
9. With gas and insurance prices going up, itTs
per to pay for their gas and let people drive to
damn library!
Che
the
8. New federal law mandating oNon-Smoking�
Sections on all bookmobiles carrying over 2,000
Volumes.
7. Once the patrons have read all the books,
why bother?
tape sd es
ae nq Fergusson is the Assistant Director, Headquarters
s '¢ Forsyth County Public Library in Winston-Salem,
C : He is also Chair of the Governmental Relations
mmittee of NCLA.
6. The computer terminal goes down on one of
these babies"youTre not going to call Mr.
Goodwrench.
5. When the outside paint fades, you get really
tired of kids stopping you and trying to buy a Mr.
Softee.
4. Playboy air fresheners that hang from rear
view mirrors no longer on state contract.
3. Overwhelming success of the TRUMP-
mobile. Who can compete?
2. Since they outlawed student schoolbus
drivers in North Carolina, thereTs no one left who'll
play chicken.
1. You canTt get the ladies who drive Tem to put
the chains on when it snows. i]
When it comes to service,
EBSCO believes in ~o~being there.�T
EBSCO has Sales Representatives who, through the years, have traveled
hundreds of thousands of miles and worn out scores of shoes just to o~be
there� for our customers. ThatTs because we feel that to offer truly
Professional service we must offer truly personal service.
At EBSCO, we think librarians should be served by experienced serials
Professionals who will ~o~be thereT for them. IsnTt that what you expect
from a professional subscription agency?
EBSCO
SUBSCRIPTION SERVICES
8000 Forbes Place, Suite 204 * Springfield, VA 22151
703-321-9630 (Tel) * 800-368-3290 (Outside VA) * 703-321-9159 (Fax)
Spring 1990"13
Hubris, Heresy, and Hearsay
An Irreverent Look at (Perhaps) the Oldest Profession,
or (as Eve said to Adam):
oTell me again where you got that .. . I may want to use it later.�
Gayle Ann Fishel, ENFP
and
Plummer Alston Jones, Jr., INFJ
The last decade has witnessed a growing
national fascination for ounderstanding our-
selves.� Personality inventories and type indica-
tors abound. Certainly librarians, with their pas-
sion for knowing, are not immune to the allure of
these instruments, but thus far, science has failed
to provide us with a model by which we can accu-
rately gauge our professional temperaments.
Recognizing this shameful lacuna in the lit-
erature, we set about the arduous task of collect-
ing data to support our a priori assumptions; this
took longer than anticipated. We polled tens of
subjects and devoted two dinners and a brunch to
the careful tabulation of results. So, with apolo-
gizes to Freud, Jung, and Isabel Briggs Myers, we
offer here our own exposition of librarian person-
ality types.
The Scholar
(Library Director / Ph.D. Candidate)
oDewey . . . or donTt we?�
Synopsis:
The most innocuous and inconspicuous of
librarian types, these sage and solemn few are
often mistaken for patrons and, consequently,
ignored by the staffs they are appointed to admini-
ster. Believing that every setting is an opportunity
for research, these scions of the insignificant work
diligently to infuse their subordinates with enthu-
siasm for the world of ideas. Unfortunately for the
scholar, most of the other, more pragmatic mem-
bers of the staff are too busy dealing with issues
like what to do with the libraryTs thirty-fourth
complete set of Harvard Classics, just donated by
Gayle Ann Fishel (closet librarian) is an award-winning
graphic designer and Director of Publications at Guilford
College in Greensboro, North Carolina. Plummer Alston
Jones, Jr. (ambivalent administrator) is Head Librarian/
Director of Learning Resources at Elon College in Elon
College, North Carolina.
14"Spring 1990
the nephew of a trustee"or the fact that someone
keeps throwing dead fish into the auto-book return
on Friday nights.
Scholars lead lives of quiet dissipation. The
first priority of the morning is uncovering the next
page on their oDissertation Abstract of the Day�
desk calendar. No one calls. No one writes. Pink-
erton does not return.
These undaunted drones are uniquely capable
of dispatching burgeoning amounts of even the
most tedious paper work with Herculean ease"
but are often stymied by having to make the sim-
plest decisions. As a case in point, Herman Glick,
head librarian at the Arkansas Extremely Techni-
cal Research Institute (AETRD, not affiliated with
the Arkansas Extremely Technical Community
College (AETCC) system, was renowned for his
ability to polish off the exhaustive HEGIS report
over coffee and crullers. But, ten years ago, the
indefatigable Glick was reduced to a quivering
mass of gelatin when his library was offered first
refusal on the Butterfly McQueen Papers. (At last
report, Miss McQueen was still awaiting GlickTs
decision.)
Because he is married to his research endeav-
ors, this Sisyphian monk notices little difference
between his days at work and his evenings at
home. His happiest hours are spent in the com-
pany of his portable microfiche lap reader, perus-
ing his complete personal set of The National
Union Catalog of Pre-1956 Imprints, while listen-
ing to a compact disc recording of BachTs Goldberg
Variations on constant repeat.
Collateral Professions:
e Preparer of family-group sheets for the
dramatis personae in WagnerTs Ring of the
Nibelung
e Translator of Marcel Proust into Urdu... or
intelligible French
¢ Toll collector on the New Jersey Turnpike
The Anal Retentive
(Cataloger)
oOh, sweet mystery of life"at last ITve filed
you!�
Synopsis:
_ This is no Cutter-and-run librarian. Introspec-
tive, brooding and intense, these individuals burn
with a need for fastidiousness that is unparalleled
Y any other professionals"save yoga instructors
and certain Peugeot mechanics. They are driven to
Classify, quantify and qualify.
Even the most banal of items is not immune
to the rites of copious categorization. Legend has
it that one lonely cataloger in Bozeman, Montana,
filled a warehouse four times the size of the New
York City Port Authority Building with subject
Cards for a Time-Life Books guide to regrouting
bathroom tile.
Catalogers live with the constant fear that
Some tic or aberration in their characters will
Cause them to err in the classification of an item,
Wholly disrupting the order and harmony of the
Universe, They are consequently jumpy and me-
ticulous individuals, entirely committed to their
belief that the mystery of existence can be plainly
"esolved on one side of a 3 x 5 card.
This proclivity for superfluous repetition
Makes catalog librarians the most desired of part-
Ners for games like whist and Trivial Pursuit, but
the least desired partners at any social function
other than a bris or a bone marrow transplant.
They are profoundly interested in the minutiae of
almost anything. A cataloger will always be the
one most likely to know absorbing bits of informa-
tion like what oOne-Hour Martinizing� actually
Means, or how many polyps Ronald Reagan had
removed from his colon during his presidency (nota
bene: 15).
These biblio-lemurs are so ardent in their
Pursuit of in-depth subject analysis that they are
frequently oblivious to significant changes in their
Work environments. One such librarian in Flint,
ichigan, was so absorbed by his delineation of
relevant subject headings for twenty-eight new
Volumes of incunabula, that he failed to notice his
Midtown library branch had been closed and con-
Verted into a Chicken Delight franchise. (Patrons
of this branch, by the way, were later heard to
~oOmment on the remarkable similarity between
the incunabula and the cole slaw served there.) A
Sleepless cataloger doesnTt simply count sheep, he
classifies them; for example, oone Merino lamb,
two Karakul rams, three Romney March ewes,
&te., ete.�. oThankfully,� according to one insom-
niac, othere are over four hundred breeds with
sufficient information to promote their classifica-
tion according to distinctive productive traits. ItTs
a comfort to know that we can all confront sleep-
lessness with impunity.�
Collateral Professions:
¢ Seam-ripper
* Quality Assurance Supervisor in a tortellini
factory
¢ Bassoonist (or proficient on any double-reed
family instrument)
Catalogers pursue infinite
accessibility with the same
fervor and zeal employed
by knights tracking the
Holy Grail.
The Omniscient Prognosticator
(Circulation Librarian)
oLes gens nTont pas de pain... and we need
the numbers.�
Synopsis:
In an era of budget cuts and fiscal restraint,
many libraries owe their very existence to these
titans of tabulation. Pragmatic and prophetic,
these oCassandras of Circulation� forge ahead
with their dogged determination to anticipate the
inchoate needs of the people. Some carry this to
unusual extremes. One inner-city Los Angeles
librarian was so intent on her mission to make the
collection relevant to the needs of the community
that she bought large quantities of rubber hose
and bicycle chain at discount prices, and later, cut
these into serviceable lengths upon patron re-
quest.
With their deep-seated conviction that a
hearty dose of social responsibility can easily
translate into user statistics, Omniscient Prognos-
ticators are responsible for the development of
landmark innovations in outreach programming.
Sybil Ornstein, a circulation librarian in Duluth,
Minnesota, noticed that her city boasted a large
population of persons suffering from multiple
personality dysfunction. oI found that by extend-
ing special borrowing privileges to this group,�
reported Ornstein, othat I could issue as many as
twelve library cards to a single patron.� In the
same vein, inventive librarians in urban centers
with large numbers of homeless residents have
installed Murphy beds in the aisles of the least
Spring 1990"15
trafficked ranges of their collections, such as the
020.92Ts or the Z720Ts (biographical sketches of
librarians), bound backfiles of Chemical Abstracts,
or the collected works of Theodore Dreiser.
Collateral Professions:
* College admissions director
e Sunday School bus-ministry driver
¢ Merchandising magnate for BIG LOTS stores
The Commandant
(Reference / Special Collections Librarians)
oLassen Sie ihnen Kuchen essen... but not
in the library.�
Synopsis:
The ideological antithesis of the Omniscient
Prognosticator,... Frequently sporting volatile
dispositions, these librarians have been known to
resort to quasi-military methods to safeguard their
inviolate arsenals of volumes deemed worthy of
the designation: oREFERENCE.�
... the Commandant is
less concerned with user
satisfaction than with the
integrity of the collection.
We are reminded of the strange case of Helga
Hildebrandt of (where else?) Berlin, Pennsylvania.
When asked by a patron for information regarding
the organization and preservation of a monstrous
home-video collection, Hildebrandt reached imme-
diately for her dog-eared desk copy of Archival
Moving Image Materials: A Cataloging Manual,
only to find that osome untutored Philistine� had
not only permitted its circulation, but had actually
allowed the volume to leave the premises osubject-
to call.� Frau Hildebrandt, in a fit of righteous
indignation, held the entire circulation staff at
gunpoint until the name, Social Security number,
and address of nearest living relative of the bor-
rower were revealed.
The Commandant has her spiritual counter-
part in that most mercurial of mercenaries: the
Special Collections Librarian. Bred to embrace the
axiom that every item, no matter how farcical or
inutile, has intrinsic, archival merit, these guardi-
ans of garish gestalt patrol their whited sepul-
chres with maniacal fervor and intensity. Nothing
illustrates this penchant for preservation more
plainly than the celebrated crusade of Iowa librar-
ian, Homer Skridlow.
16"Spring 1990
When the Donna del Lago Chapter of the East
Dubuque Knights of Columbus donated a rare
collection of fiberglass baptismal fonts to its foun-
dering public library system, officials there were
faced with the unhappy prospect of refusing the
gift because of ospace and staffing limitations.�
These impediments notwithstanding, special col-
lections librarian Skridlow pledged himself to
champion the homeless artifacts. Converting his
modest Winnebago into an archival annex, Skri-
dlow retrieved the items and created the worldTs
first mobile special collection. Every afternoon
(and on alternate Saturdays), East Dubuque resi-
dents were permitted to board the tiny coach and,
after a thorough sterility gown-up, view the fonts
in all their backlighted splendor.
This kind of unselfish dedication to the pres-
ervation of un-memorabilia is the credo of the
Commandant. Addressing a recent summit of
special collections and reference librarians at their
Center for Tactics and Retaliatory Practices in
Bucharest, Boris Boesendorfer, chairman of the
Subcommittee on User Containment, summarized
the mission of the group: oLet there be no misun-
derstanding. We are no milk-and-water librarians!
Our purpose is not to give the people what they
want"it is to give them what they deserve!�
Collateral Professions:
¢ Telephone dominatrix (all major credit cards
accepted)
¢ Division of Motor Vehicles clerk
¢ Coach of a Japanese womenTs volleyball team
The Entrepreneur
(Acquisitions Librarian)
oAsk, send cash, check or purchase order,
and it shall be given unto you.�
Synopsis:
Energetic, punctilious, and always eager to
meet a challenge head on, these impresarios of
inventory leave no stone unturned in their quest
to satisfy the eclectic and often unreasonable
requests of their user groups. Since they are re-
sponsible for locating and purchasing such a tre-
mendous variety of items, these prima donnas of
purchasing will frequently resort to unorthodox
methods of locating suppliers. One acquisitions
librarian in Tulsa, Oklahoma, was so devoted to
the pursuit of competitive pricing that she pro-
grammed her VCR constantly to monitor the cable
shop-at-home network.
Each evening after work, she would fast-for-
ward through the dayTs wares, keeping a keen eye
Out for bargains. oYouTd be surprised at what you
Can pick up if yowTre religious about watching
those shows,� she pointed out. oOnce I nabbed a
Mint condition set of the 1768-71 Britannica,
reduced for quick sale along with two sets of steak
knives and a black velvet painting of Elvis. I got
the whole lot for $22.95"and arranged for delayed
billing!�
An equally zealous purchasing agent for a
Small, conservatively budgeted library system in
Bangor, Maine, required all suppliers to complete
exhaustive 846-page vendor surveys and required
annual urinalysis and polygraph tests for sales
representatives. This same servant of Cerberus
admonished serial librarians to stop ordering any
Periodicals whose titles begin oJournal of� or
oAmerican Journal of� because, owe have a pleth-
ora of these already, and it does not behoove us to
�,�ndorse the publisherTs want of creativity in as-
Signing titles.�
Because business acumen and fiscal finesse
re their stock-in-trade, Entrepreneurs are some-
times guilty of translating their successes into
Personal profits. Elsie Horvath, an acquisitions
librarian in Carrington, North Dakota, was so
�,�Xasperated by wholesalers constantly returning
her order forms with notes reading: oContact us
When you all get a paved road, hear?�"that she
took matters into her own capable hands. Horvath
�,�nrolled in a nearby Ryder Truck Driving Acad-
emy, and was soon piloting her own rig across the
Great Northern Plains en route to the untapped
treasures of Ann Arbor and Englewood Cliffs. It
didnTt stop there...
The enterprising Horvath, who soon realized
that other small libraries in her state shared the
Same concerns about the expense and timeliness
of Shipments, resolved to market her customized,
Overnight freight service to the residents of Fargo,
Minot, Grand Forks, and Bismarck. Soon Horvath
Was able to retire from her library job altogether,
and today, the legends oHire a Horvath� and oElsie
Delivers� are emblazoned on barns throughout the
tri-state area.
Collateral Professions:
* Strip miner
* Spiritual advisor
* Bookie
The Missionary
(ChildrenTs / Outreach Librarians)
oSuffer the little children to come unto
me.. .but quietly, and
in groups of manageable size.�
Synopsis:
While most of us live out our lives trying to
put as much distance as possible between our-
selves and our childhoods, there is a select group
of professionals who dedicate themselves to help-
ing others preserve, prolong, and cherish their
youth. Believing that the home lives of the young-
sters they serve are every bit as steeped in harsh
Because of their profes-
sional and mental myopia,
childrenTs librarians have
much in common with
their counterparts in Out-
reach and Media Services.
reality as last weekTs episode of The Cosby Show,
these paragons of prepubescence can usually be
found in some brightly colored corner of the li-
brary, busily creating bulletin boards on proper
dental hygiene, or directing quiet, monosyllabic
admonitions toward the vagrant who has just
urinated into the aquarium.
Among the most highly trained and versatile
of all librarians, the Missionary is accomplished
in areas as wide ranging as storytelling, pup-
peteering, playing the autoharp, and organizing
street gangs into basketball teams. Unfortu-
nately, these pert and plucky Pollyannas are not
always esteemed by their caustic colleagues.
When Ginnie Mae Bond of Blounts Creek, North
Carolina, was invited by the library board to
make a report on the dramatic success of her pilot
project to extend storyhour services to serial kill-
ers, she responded enthusiastically by delivering
a six and one-half hour flannel-board presenta-
tion.
Five hours into her report, four of the board
members had hurled themselves from windows of
the eighth-floor meeting room, while two hysteri-
cal others threatened to hold Ginnie Mae down
and force her to drink grape Kool-Aid laced with
cyanide if she continued. Refusing to be dismayed
and quite used to disruption, Ginnie Mae calmly
Spring 1990"17
ignored their puerile complaints and proceeded
with her presentation. Only when she had con-
cluded her report and invited the audience to join
with her in singing a rousing chorus of oWe Are
the World� did Ginnie Mae notice that the remain-
ing board members had taken the cyanide them-
selves, and now lay scattered about the room on
crushed piles of vanilla wafers.
All of these types share an impassioned belief
in the universal relevance of the services they
offer, and all are persuaded that their ventures
combine to improve the overall quality of life on
the planet. Only the most brutish among us would
deign to suggest that driving sixty-five miles to
deliver the large-print edition of recipes from the
kitchen of Jim Valvano is anything less than an
appropriate use of tax dollars, or that libraries
should invest in laserdisc copies of such hallmarks
of American cinema as Teenwolf and Shanghai
Surprise. Fortunately, these arbiters of kitsch will
ensure that the needs of the community are al-
ways anticipated by the libraries that serve them.
Collateral Professions:
¢ Float designer for the oTournament of Roseso
parades
e Cruise director
° Vice President, The
For more information about personality types
(coming soon to a library near you), and your
complimentary osterility gown-up� tee shirt, send
a SASE and a twenty-five dollar non-refundable
processing fee to the authors. Allow six to eight
months for delivery, slightly longer in New Jersey.
Southern Harmony
Libraries in Tune for the Future
SELA/TLA Conference
Opryland Hotel
Nashville, Tennessee
December 4-8, 1990
18"Spring 1990
Mul
Southeastem
Microfilm, Inc.
AND MINOLTA.
TWO
ORGANIZATIONS
THAT CAN
HELP YOU GET
ORGANIZED.
EQUIPMENT
We're Southeastern Microfilm, Inc. and we can help you reduce
your filespace by 90% or more, help make your record keeping
more organized and your staff more efficient.
Our micrographics professionals can help you select the right tools
from a whole range of advanced Minolta micrographic equipment.
They can tailor a system to meet your needs exactly.
Southeastern Microfilm, Inc. is the most complete
micrographics dealer in North Carolina, offering
advanced production services, a complete line of
equipment and supplies and total customer MINOLTA
SERVICE
ONLY FROM THE MIND
OF MINOLTA
WE HAVE A LOT OF MICROGRAPHIC
SOLUTIONS LOOKING FOR PROBLEMS.
\sheville ¢ Charlotte © Greensboro © Greenville ¢ Raleigh
1-800-532-0217
Drugs in the Library:
Any Substance to Rumors?
Peter Schledorn
Originally published in the UNC Library Staff Newsletter, No.
158 (July 1989). Reprinted with permission.
_ Mandatory drug testing is one of the most
divisive issues in the modern workplace. Given the
Current interest in this issue, it might be instruc-
tive to examine the experiences of a university
library in another state with its pilot drug-testing
Program.
By executive order the governor of a large
Southeastern state instituted a policy that sub-
Jected all public employees to periodic, mandatory
drug-screening tests. In his announcement the
§0vernor promised that the tests used would be
the most scientifically advanced and accurate tests
available, although budgetary restraints dictated
@ cost limit of $1.47 per test. Drug tests usually
Cost between five and forty dollars each, depend-
Mg on their reliability. However, one laboratory
(Early Detection Systems, Inc., or EDS) agreed to
Provide the tests at the required price.
Approximately one hundred fifty library
employees were subjected to urinalysis, resulting
in thirty-six positive test results. The tests re-
Vealed the presence of a number of different sub-
Stances, including poppy seed residue, ethylene
8lycol (automotive antifreeze), various popular
antihistamines, methylene chloride (printerTs
deglazing solvent), tri-betafrustratase (a chemical
found in the bodies of people who answer repeti-
tious questions at reference desks), and 2,3,4-dit-
totene (copying machine fluid). Scientists and
laboratory technicians could not explain why such
number and variety of solvents were detected in
the Samples but say they are working on the prob-
lem and hope to find a solution soon.
In the interest of fairness, employees testing
Positive were given the opportunity to have the
tests repeated at their own expense. All thirty-six
employees opted to take advantage of the seventy-
five-dollar retest. Only one of the retests yielded
open Carats Fey
Peter Schledorn is Library Technical Assistant in Collec-
tion Development at Davis Library at UNC-Chapel Hill.
an identical result, although thirty-one of the tests
did report positive for different substances, includ-
ing isopropanol, creosote, contact cement and
chocolate mousse. As a result, one library em-
ployee was summarily fired for smelling fresh
ditto copies. All of the other employees are re-
quired to attend counseling sessions featuring
aversion therapy.
Administrators and officials of the state in
question were reportedly disappointed that more
terminal personnel actions were not justified.
They specifically criticized what they called the
inaccuracy of the retesting program. As a result,
one legislator proposed that the state take more
direct action to combat drug use among state
workers, including required searches of the homes
of all job applicants (in order for the act to be
orevenue neutral,� the searches would be paid for
by the applicant). Another filed a bill describing
behavior that would be taken as presumptive
evidence of drug use. Under this provision, an
employee would be subject to disciplinary action
for yawning, inattention during meetings, or any
indication of an out-of-body experience on the job.
Legislature watchers dubbed this bill the oYawn
Law� but dropped the name when they realized
how many bills could be described by the phrase.
Meanwhile, the issue has been complicated by
the discovery that book dust can mimic many dif-
ferent substances in the urine. Among these are
beta-carotene, novocaine, and overripe brie. Only
exposure to early Cheech and Chong movies is
known to have a greater effect on urinalysis re-
sults. Reactions to this news are mixed"research-
ers are trying to develop more foolproof tests, with
a goal of thirty percent accuracy by 1995, while a
group of legislators are spearheading a drive to
have book dust declared a controlled substance.
[Satire Alert: the author wishes it to be known
that he takes no responsibility for any consequences
that might result from this report being taken too
seriously. If ingested, this article will cause you to
test positive for wintergreen Life Savers and Type
F automatic transmission fluid.] a
Spring 1990"19
Guess You Had To Be There
Lisa Dalton and Laura Davidson
Dragnet Fan
Anyone in the community may use the li-
braryTs telefacsimile machine for a fee. Before I
could ask the unsmiling police officer who walked
in how I could help him, he intoned, oJust the fax,
maTam.�
Then he grinned, oI always wanted to say
that!�
Speaking of Dragnet
This downtown library is sometimes fre-
quented by a rough clientele, and the library staff
tries to watch patrons whose behavior seems
suspicious. For example, the staff was alerted to
watch one man who appeared to be selling drugs
to children in the library. After surreptitiously
following him about the library, one of the staff
members saw the suspect head for the locked
restrooms. All suspicions were confirmed when he
pulled out his own key to the menTs room and went
in.
The police, next door, were summoned. They
waited outside the restroom for the criminal to
emerge. The door opened...and out walked the
undercover cop detailed to watch the suspicious
characters frequenting the library.
Too Obvious
The young man was completing a magazineTs
literary quiz and came into the library for help
with the last two questions. He asked the librar-
ian for the books that would answer number four
and number six. Question four, oWho was Peter
PanTs enemy?,� listed a) Captain Kidd, b) Captain
Hook, and c) Captain Courageous as possible re-
sponses. Believing that everyone knows the story
of Peter Pan, the librarian named Captain Hook.
Question six read, oThe ship Bounty was
famous for a) its strawberry cheesecake, b) its
Laura Davidson is Reference Coordinator at the Rocking-
ham County Public Library in Eden, N. C. Lisa Dalton is
Reference Librarian at the Rockingham County Public
Library and a member of the North Carolina Libraries
editorial board.
20"Spring 1990
shuffleboard deck, or c) its mutiny.� Feeling a little
guilty for answering the first question outright,
the librarian hesitated.
oTl tell you the title of the book, but you fig-
ure out the answer.�
The man agreed.
oThe title is Mutiny on the Bounty.�
The fellow considered, then said doubtfully,
oWell, itTs either the mutiny or the shuffleboard
deck. Let me see the book.�
Zoo Animals
When the library staff introduced automated
circulation to the community in 1983, they printed
date due slips with pictures of zebras, whose black
and white stripes are analogous to bar code pat-
terns. These distinctive date due slips continue to
be useful.
One of our library assistants checks out books
for an elderly neighbor, and returns the books
when the neighbor has finished reading them.
Once when the books came back late, the lady
apologized, oI couldnTt find the giraffe.�
Beg Your Pardon?
The library was unusually noisy as the gentle-
man stood at the reference desk quietly asking for
the book on cholesterol by a Dr. Arthur Lean.
Amused by the appropriate surname, I turned to
the online catalog to identify the title. Author
searches"Lean, Leen, Lien, Lene" were unsuc-
cessful, so the patron reluctantly agreed to look at
other books on his subject.
The first book we found was Count Out Cho-
lesterol by Dr. Art Ulene.
oThatTs the one,� the gentleman whispered
happily.
ItTs a Calling
oI have a question. If somebody is a professor
of library science, what does that mean?�
oIt probably means he teaches library science
in a university.�
oYes, but what is library science?�
oWell, itTs the study of librarianship.�
oYou mean, people study how to make index
Cards???�
_ oNot exactly. ItTs the study of the history of
libraries, of how to select and buy books that will
really be used, and how to answer questions.�
oWhy...who would want to study that?!!�
Muddling along
_ All aspiring librarians are taught that there
1S an art to the reference interview, that many
times the patron has garbled information and
they, as high practitioners of the art, must not
only find the right answer, but the true question.
The woman before-me appeared to demon-
Strate a classic case of the garbled question. She
had a note from her daughter with oKing Fer-
nando of Castile� written on it. After a preliminary
Search in biographical sources, I realized that we
Were looking for information on Ferdinand, Isa-
bellaTs husband. The biography I found about
Ferdinand confirmed my hunch. oNo,� the mother
Said as she rejected the book, oMy daughter wants
a book on this man"Fernando"not ~Ferdinand.�
I was floored"all that brilliant deduction and
NO appreciation at all. Worse, she announced that
She had to leave, but would return for the informa-
tion on the right king later.
_ Mother and daughter returned at five. Ignor-
Ing me, she approached a second reference librar-
lan, perhaps hoping for a more reasonable assis-
tant. Since my colleague and I had discussed the
�,�ncounter earlier, she was forewarned. Patiently
going through much the same process, she ex-
Plained to the child that Fernando and Ferdinand
Were the same king, showing how they lived at the
Same time and in the same place, and discussing
the American habit of Anglicising foreign names.
The little girl seemed to accept the concept,
but the mother was unconvinced"and growing
angrier. oWell,� she threatened, oI guess I'll just
have to call the principal tonight and tell him that
My daughter canTt do her assignment because no
One in the library will give her any information on
King Fernando.�
We protested, but what could we do? The li-
brary was closing; nobody was satisfied. Cowed,
We realized that library school had let us down.
You may ungarble the garbled question, but you
labor in vain to unmuddle muddled mothers.
Tax Transformation
Much of the year, Mr. Colley is a troublesome
but fairly harmless drunk, known to library staff
as the man who mixes drinks in the water foun-
tain. He is regularly ejected for disruptive behav-
ior"being very loud, bothering other patrons,
passing out in the restroom...
But from February to mid-April, Mr. Colley
sobers up and, wearing a red knit cap, stakes out
a table in the back of the library where he con-
ducts his tax assistance service. The change is
complete. Not only does he not drink, but he is
very quiet, even when working with a oclient.� And
his customers are notable for their normalcy, just
average citizens. Tax season, which usually brings
out the worst in us, positively transforms Mr.
Colley.
But She IsnTt There...
Like many college libraries, the Averett Col-
lege library is named for an early benefactor of the
college"Mary Blount, in this instance. The library
shares a parking lot with a girlTs dorm. Recently
the spaces nearest the library were set aside for
library patrons only. Battle was engaged, since the
girls regard the entire lot as theirs. The libraryTs
biggest weapon, towing, resulted in a stream of
angry young women heading for the directorTs
office.
Recently, an irate coed marched to the circu-
lation desk. With fire in her eye, she demanded to
see Mary Blount. Calmly nodding toward the di-
rectorTs office, the student assistant said, oSecond
door on the right.�
Hatching Out
The call came in the middle of the after school
rush. The lady phoning in wanted to know the
temperature and length of time needed to incubate
an ostrich egg because she wanted to hatch the
one she had just been given. After much searching,
I found a wildlife encyclopedia which explained
the process, and I relayed that information to her
and returned to the clamoring hordes of students.
About six weeks later, long after the question
had been forgotten, the lady called back. oWell,�
she said, othe egg just hatched"now, what do you
feed baby ostriches?� I was unable to find informa-
tion about the care and feeding of baby ostriches,
and referred the patron to the North Carolina Zoo.
I heard later that the ostrich died.
ITm Nobody. Who are You?
In some libraries, the distinction between
professionals and support staff may be overem-
phasized.
The paraprofessional in the Documents De-
partment answered the phone. The caller identi-
fied himself as a librarian from the Reference
Spring 1990"21
Department and asked, oIs anybody there?�
oWell,� the employee replied, oITm here, and
NancyTs here, and Joy, Lucy, and Richard are
here.�
oNo, I mean, is anybody there?�
Just as politely, the paraprofessional repeated
the litany of who was available.
oNo!� exploded the exasperated librarian. oI
need to talk to a professional"isnTt anybody
there?!� a
REEL READERS contains 60 program plans
built around outstanding childrenTs films.
Programs include books, songs, poetry,
flannelboards, read-alouds, crafts, booktalks and
other activities as appropriate.
Among the themes included: PreSchool;
Cats, Colors, Names, Toys, and Winter.
Intermediate; Circus, Dragons, Sea
Creatures, Silly Food, Trading Places, and
Unusual Pets.
By: Rebecca Taylor
Mary Lou Rakow Intermediate; Adventure, Being Bad,
Gail Terwill = ; f ;
MaRS fie Dinosaurs, Haunted Houses, Movie Making, and
Tall Tales.
Published by the ChildrenTs Services Section of
the North Carolina Library Association, all
proceeds go to the Section for funding of future
projects and programs.
Order Form
Mail to: NCLA/ChildrenTs Services Section
c/o Gail Terwilliger
1813 Sunnyside Circle
Fayetteville, NC 28305
Name Day Phone
Institution
Address
City
(number of copies) @ $ 10.00 each
(shipping and handling) @ $ 2.50 per copy
Total enclosed. Make check payable to CSS/NCLA
22"Spring 1990
Fun at OTKelly Library
Mae L. Rodney
The groundbreaking for the C.G. OTKelly
addition and renovation"which will double the
Size of the university's library"took place over a
year before the construction project began. The
Wait built up anticipation and excitement for the
project. The construction company kept the inter-
est level high by having a construction truck
plunge nose first over a small hill and into the site.
That was certainly an eye opener for the staff as
they arrived at work at 7:55 a.m. And, as if to say,
~If you like that, watch this�: on TWO separate
Occasions a large crane tumbled forward into the
future academic hub of the campus.
Optimism flows through the veins of librari-
ans who must work in a library under siege by a
construction project. Although the architect fore-
Warned us of some inconveniences, he observed
that they should all be announced and coordi-
nated. For the first six months, all inconveniences
Were greeted with, oThis is only temporary; just
think of the beautiful building we will have.� Not
even the simultaneous appearance of the campus
telecommunications director and the project
Superintendent caused any extra heartbeats:
oWhere are the library computer lines?� asked
the telecommunications director.
oI do not know...� "and before the complete
answer could be given, the Catalog/Automation
Librarian appeared saying that ALL the auto-
Mated services were disconnected, including the
Online catalog and the OCLC cataloging terminals.
With one lucky strike, a backhoe had demolished
automation. THE LIBRARY WAS DEAD! The
blackened terminals haunted us for two days.
After the systems were knocked out another two
times, the directorTs favorite words became, oI-
donTt-care-how-you-fix-it, but fix it NOW!� How-
ever, the students proved that they very much like
the online catalog, for on all three occasions they
Preferred waiting for its restoration to using the
old card catalog.
During one of the few cold days of the 1988-
89 winter, the plumbers left the pipes to the old
Mae L. Rodney is Director of Library Services for OTKelly
Library, Winston Salem State University, Winston-Salem.
library exposed and there was NO water the next
morning! Having to cross the street to use the
bathroom was bad enough, but NO COFFEE...!!!
Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head
Working in a building that is being joined to
another is one thing; but working in a building
that has only one-half of the roof during the rainy
season is quite another. (Parts of the roof were
blown off three times between May 5 and Novem-
ber 10, 1988). When the sun was shining, there
was the unpredictable rhythm of air drills and the
workers dumping supplies on the roof. On other
days, the rain provided a constant pitter-patter on
the plastic that protected the furniture or in the
many rain buckets.
But in the End
One November afternoon a student asked,
oWhere are the books?� (The book collection had
been moved to the new building in August.) The
director smiled and said that the library had had
a big yard sale and it was a little more successful
than anticipated...all of the books had been sold.
Bibliotherapy taken perhaps too far.
Spring 1990"23
Rereclassification at a
Semipublic Library
Arnold Ziffel
We have found it advantageous in our facility
to change the old and cumbersome Library of Con-
gress system into a rationalized, user-friendly
system that greatly eases patron stress.
Studies have shown (Geraldo, last Tuesday)
that patron blood pressure can rise up to a
hundred points when faced with the frightening
prospect of asking a librarian for help in finding a
book. In the Boston area alone, twenty-eight pa-
trons dropped dead in front of a reference librar-
ian (or assistant) in the first six months of 1989"
up thirty-two percent from 1988.
In order to end this senseless slaughter, we did
an extensive eight-hour study of the techniques
patrons use to find books. Here are the results our
study (adjusted for statistical anomalies):
Catalog: 1% (thought it was little tiny book-
shelves)
Shelver: 4% (looked pretty harmless, but spoke
no English)
Big, red book near the end of that shelf on the
left with the mustard stain on the floor next to it
under the picture of that old guy: 95%
One patron not included in the above statistics
became lost in the stacks and was found two
weeks later suffering from exposure and malnutri-
tion in the back area of the Urdu and Swahili
Rooms.
As a result of this study (supported by NIH
Grant 919-555-1212), we undertook an extensive
rereclassification of our entire collection. Although
the SCG (Size-Color-Graphics) system is subtle
and difficult to grasp as a gestalt, its basic outlines
can be simply described. Books are placed in the
following categories:
Size
RB: Real big
Ta: Tall
LTa: A Littler Taller than Average
R: Regular
Sm: Small
RS: Real Small
Arnold Ziffel is Librarian Second Class at the Hawgmyre
Library in Fort Zondo, N C.
24"Spring 1990
Sk: Skinny
Th: Thick
Th: Very thick
LI: Like, immense
Color
R: Red
Bk: Black
D: Dirty
Gn: Green
OP: Old Paper
BI: Bluish
LG: Light gray
G: Gray
DG: Dark gray
CcO: Cellophane coming off
Graphics
NP: No pictures
SP: Some pictures
OBW: Only black and white pictures
POG: Pictures of old geezers nobody has ever
heard of
G: Graphs
SB: Sketches of bugs
PBC-G: Photographs of bugs, in color, totally
gross
L#: Lots of numbers
PP/L: Pictures of people in loincloths
CAD: Cute animal drawings
???: Equations
PfL: Pictures of paintings of fat ladies
PB&S: Pictures of paintings of blobs and stuff
A little thought will convince you that from its
SCG (Size-Color-Graphics) classification any vol-
ume whatever (or one just as good) can be found
quickly and easily, particularly if staff members
desist from moving the books from where the
patrons left them.
Since we completed rereclass, not a single
patron has suffered so much as a mild coronary.
Moreover, the time saved by staff members has
permitted them to carry out more ambitious and
progressive projects than they had dreamed of a
few short months ago. a
The List of Oliver Quantrell
Dan Horn
As he drove to work on Monday morning,
Oliver Quantrell, head of the Reference Depart-
Ment at Tarheel County Public Library felt better
than he had in months. It was a breathtakingly
S0rgeous spring morning, as rare and perfect as a
flawless diamond. Oliver yearned to melt into the
golden, green, and blue light that filled the atmos-
Phere and he felt as fully a part of life as God
Surely had intended for mankind. He decided to
try to absorb into his being SpringTs promise of
renewal, to somehow carry that promise in his
heart throughout the day, and to accomplish his
Many tasks with joy and cheerful determination.
How could anything possibly go wrong on a day
like this? How could he not, with the very power
of nature filling every cell and fiber of his being,
reach the very pinnacle of his capabilities? These
Were the thoughts that ran through Oliver Quan-
trell's mind as he pulled, smiling dreamily, into his
Parking space at precisely 7:55 a.m.
Then Oliver walked in the back door. The
fluorescent light and controlled forced air con-
trasted sharply with the glory he had left outside.
Still smiling, he cheerfully greeted his coworkers
35 he strode with confidence toward his office.
Nothing can ruin my good mood�, thought Oliver
to himself. He settled in at his desk and consulted
his list which he had dutifully made out on his
desk calendar before he left work on Friday. He
had once read a book on time management and
about all he could remember was that making lists
Was a basic requirement of efficiency. Since that
time he had made one for each day. His list for
today contained these items:
. Redo reference schedule
. Work on procedures manual
. Write humor article
Schedule employee evaluations
. Evaluate loose-leaf services and make rec-
ommendations for cancellations
. Weed 700Ts in reference collection
. Work on collection development of circula-
tion 300Ts
ook wh
o1
Dan Horn is Head of Reference at the New Hanover
County Public Library in Wilmington, N C.
8. Finish great books bibliography, send to
printer
9. Avoid salesmen
10. Work on budget requests for next fiscal year
11. Evaluate CD-ROM magazine indexes; make
recommendation for purchase
12. Work on business reference seminar
13. Make list for tomorrow
No problem! With fierce concentration and
unswerving application of dynamic volition any-
thing can be achieved! If nature can take a little
acorn and transform it into a massive oak, surely
the items on this list can be dispatched and
crossed off one by one. Today the accomplishment
of Oliver Quantrell will rival the feats of creation
itself!
oOh, Mr. Quantrell, are you there?� Oliver
shook himself from his reverie and replied to the
voice coming over the intercom, oYes, Agatha, ITm
here, isnTt it wonderful?�
oAnything you say, Mr. Quantrell,� replied
Agatha with a tone of suspicion. oAre you O.K. this
morning?�
oCouldnTt possibly be better, Agatha. What
can I do for you?�
oSeveral of your staff members have called in
this morning to say they won't be in today. Mich-
elleTs cat is throwing up and acting weird, and you
know how she is about that cat. James is request-
ing, as he called it, a mental health day; Bert is
having some sort of trouble with Ernie; and Tracy
has the flu. Can I be of any help?�
oNo, thatTs all right, Agatha,� responded Ol-
iver, a touch of dismay creeping into his voice. oI'll
just have to make do with what I have.�
oVery well, sir. Oh, by the way, Mr. Cravy has
called a department heads meeting for 9:00. He
says he has some important matters to go over
that canTt wait. You'll find the agenda in your box.�
oThank you, Agatha,� he muttered more to
himself than her as he hung up the phone.
Rubbing his eyes, Oliver thought over his
staffing problems. The three librarians that
wouldnTt be in represented his entire available
staff. One other was on vacation hiking some-
Spring 1990"25
where in Nepal and another was visiting a great
aunt in Buffalo who was bedridden with an un-
specified ailment. oWell, I guess that leaves just
me. I'll have to talk to Mr. Cravy and see if he can
reschedule that meeting," thought Oliver uncer-
tainly. oSurely heTll understand.� Oliver picked up
the phone and dialed Mr. CravyTs extension. oYes,
what is it,� said an annoyed sounding voice. oMake
it fast, T'm very busy with some extremely impor-
tant matters.�
oMr. Cravy, this is Oliver. Do you think we
could reschedule that meeting for tomorrow? ITve
got some staffing problems today and Ill need to
spend a lot of time on the reference desk.�
oTtTs no concern of mine, Oliver. When I sched-
ule an important meeting, I expect you to be there.
See if you can get someone from circulation to
cover the desk. I'll see you at 9:00 sharp. Oh, by
the way, itTs your turn to take the minutes.�
Oliver began talking it over to himself, oCir-
culation! Nobody in circulation knows anything
about reference. Granted, at Mr. CravyTs insis-
tence, I just conducted that in-house workshop on
reference services for the support staff, but. ... Oh
well. LetTs see, Mary has taken a few college
classes and she was the only one to stay awake
through the workshop. Perhaps she'll be able to fill
in. ItTs not too busy in the morning and any ques-
tions that are too difficult, she can write down and
Tl get to them later. Yes, thatTs the solution.�
After making all the arrangements with the
head of circulation, Oliver went to his box to get
the agenda for the big meeting which he found
under a huge stack of essential mail which in-
cluded advertisements for CCHTs oindispensable�
Guide to Soviet Taxes, GaleTs new Compendium of
Everything We've Already Published, and a pre-
publication offer (save $75!) for a topographical
atlas of Tristen da Cunha. The items Oliver pe-
rused on the agenda were as follows:
Mileage rate increased .05/mile.
Purchase of gift for retiring custodian
Possibility of a new branch in 1998
3 year plans
5 year plans
10 year plans
POU eID: DONA
Oliver sighed deeply and walked upstairs to
the staff conference room. It was just 9:00, but the
others were already there brimming with enthu-
siasm for the upcoming discussion of oimportant
matters." He closed the door, took his seat, and
prepared to take notes in great detail.
When the meeting adjourned three hours
later, Oliver leapt from his seat and ran down-
26"Spring 1990
stairs to the reference desk. He had had difficulty
concentrating on his note taking; visions of disas-
ter at the reference desk kept stealing his atten-
tion. He knew how reference could, at times of
peak activity, tax the limits of ability of the most
experienced and capable reference librarians. Was
Mary lying sobbing on the floor unable to cope
with the insatiable demands of the public for in-
formation? Was the libraryTs phone ringing off-the-
hook with calls complaining about the incompe-
tence of the reference staff? His palms had
sweated, his pulse rate had skyrocketed, he had
had to loosen the choking piece of haberdashery he
had dutifully tied around his neck that morning.
Repeatedly he had needed to ask for points to be
clarified; everyone else had seemed to follow the
flow of the meeting effortlessly. At one point, Mr.
Cravy had remarked sarcastically and with mad-
dening pomposity that, oOliverTs mind seems to be
on the beautiful weather and absent from these
important proceedings. Perhaps he needs to take
the afternoon off and go for a walk in the country.�
He had waited after this pronouncement for syco-
phantic laughter which he was pleased to hear
forthcoming.
oHi, Mr. Quantrell,� sang Mary as Oliver
came to a screeching halt beside the reference
desk. oGee, you sure look hassled. I thought youTd
be all rested after your nice relaxing meeting.�
oNever mind about that, Mary, howTd it go
this morning. ITm sorry the meeting took so long,
but there was no way I could leave to give you a
hand.�
oOh, thatTs O.K., Mr. Quantrell, everything
went just fine. No sweat. Reference is a lot easier
than it looks.� Mary handed Oliver about forty bits
of paper with what appeared to be scribbling with
phone numbers. At first glance, Oliver felt faintly
nauseated at the combination of misspellings and
cute round handwriting, iTs dotted with little
hearts. oI did just what you said and wrote down
the patronTs names and phone numbers for all the
questions I couldnTt answer and told them youTd
get back to them this afternoon. Everyone was so
nice and patient with me when I explained I had
never worked on a reference desk before. Well, itTs
all yours, ITm off to lunch.� Mary bounced away
leaving Oliver alone and dismayed. His stomach
growled like a hungry caged beast. He had forgot-
ten about food until Mary had so cheerfully
brought up the subject. Now he was faced with the
prospect of a long afternoon of famine as he
manned the reference desk alone. Oliver began to
look over the slips. He picked up the phone and
made his first and only call-back.
That afternoon the reference desk was busier
than Oliver had ever known it could possibly be.
The public seemed to rove like a great pack of
Voracious wolves, circling the reference desk, insa-
oably starved for the nourishment only informa-
tion can give. It was as if the doors of some giant
Institution for the deranged had suddenly opened,
unleashing its slavering hordes who were told
their only salvation was to go to the library and
ask Oliver complicated reference questions. At
times patrons were three and four deep at the desk
Staring at him impatiently as he tried his best to
be fair and take each person in turn, giving them
the best he could. At one point he overheard one
Patron mutter to another, oWhy canTt this beauti-
ful library hire someone who knows what heTs
doing? This guyTs pathetic!� The phone rang non-
Stop. Later when it was all over and Oliver lay on
his bed staring at the ceiling unable to move, he
recalled these remarks from one of the innumer-
able phone calls: oHello, my name is Joyce Jones.
Pm new in this city and I just love libraries. My
aunt was a librarian and she loved books. I love
books too, I guess I must have gotten it from her
because my parents werenTt big readers. I mean
they could read, they just chose not to. My father
would read the paper but that was about it. But
My aunt, she would take me to the library. I guess
Tshould have been a librarian. I bet you read a lot
donTt you. Anyway, I want to know if you have
these ten books in your library and, if they are,
whether you'd go to the shelves and see if theyTre
in. If theyTre not in, could I get you to put them on
Teserve for me? The library in the last town I lived
m had a service where they could get books from
another library. Do you have a service like that?
Maybe you'd see if you could get the others for me
from somewhere that has them .. .� Joyce went on
and on while irate patrons fumed and glared.
Oliver took her number and promised to call her
back. His collection of names and phone numbers
Stew and grew.
The questions of the patrons who came in
Person were no less exasperating. At the low point
of the day, when poor OliverTs strength had ebbed
and he had begun to entertain feverish fantasies
of becoming a manual laborer in Mongolia, a man,
Teeking self-importance, approached the desk with
this demand: oI need some statistical information
for a project my company needs to finish this af-
ternoon. Particularly, I need to know how many
families in voting districts four and seven in Tar
Heel County are single parent families which have
Minority women as head of household, have 4 or
More children, an annual income between $15,000
and $20,000, and who share a single family dwell-
ing with another family. My good friend, Mr.
SALEM PRESS/MAGILL BOOKS
"A Reputation for Reference"
Be sure your library has
these important collections
Masterplots
Masterplots II
History I
Science
Cinema
Critical Surveys
Literature
Literary Annuals
Bibliographies
RALPH DAVIS
Sales Representative
P.O. Box 144
Rockingham, NC 28379
Telephone: 919/997-4857
Fax: 919/997-3837
Cravy from the Kiwanis Club, told me youTd be
able to provide this information easily . . .� A few
minutes later, an ancient woman told Oliver in
great detail about a wonderful painting sheTd had
for years of some cigar smoking dogs playing poker
and wanted to know if the library had any infor-
mation about the artist and whether the painting
was worth anything. Then, a high school student
needed to read a book by Truman Compote (sic).
Her friend had to have an address for Charles
Dickens because she had been assigned to write to
a living author for her class in American litera-
ture. Someone else, newly bitten by the genealogy
bug, wanted to know if the library had a book on
his great Uncle Fred who odidnTt do nuthinT but get
drunk and kick his dawg.�
And so it went that afternoon, on and on, until
with great and tender mercy the clock, slowly tick-
ing, finally reached five oTclock.
At 5:05, Brian, the part-time evening librar-
ian arrived. oSorry, ITm a few minutes late Mr.
Quantrell. But I was out at the beach and lost all
track of time. This was one of the most beautiful
days I can remember in a long time. I mean it was
really gorgeous. A real shame you had to spend it
stuck in here all day. If you donTt mind me saying
Spring 1990"27
so Mr. Quantrell, you look terrible. You should
really try to take some time off and get outside and
enjoy the real world. Wow, thereTs nobody in the
library. I guess they all had the same idea I did.
Guess I'll have time to look over some book re-
views tonight, if you donTt mind.� Although he was
physically and mentally demolished by his expe-
riences that day, Oliver couldnTt help but smile as
he handed Brian the giant stack of unfinished
reference business and silently prayed heTd never
see them again.
For only the second time that day, Oliver
approached his desk. Standing, he looked down at
the list. There was nothing he could cross off. He
had an odd feeling that he had accomplished noth-
ing, a vague and niggling sensation of failure.
Picking up the calendar, Oliver paged backwards
over the weeks and months and realized that very
few items had been crossed off and that his best
laid plans were most often, like wayward youths,
led astray hand in hand by unavoidable circum-
stance. Wearily he shrugged his shoulders and
dragged himself out the back door. He was imme-
diately transported once again by the sheer beauty
of the day. The afternoon light was mellow and
golden; while not as powerful as in the morning,
the promise of new life was still strong. As he got
into his car, and buckled his seat belt, Oliver
noticed on the seat next to him the new issue of
Library Journal heTd tossed there several days
before. Glancing at the cover, he read the title of
a featured article oJapanese Management Tech-
niques for Libraries: A Fresh Approach." Thinking
that he hadnTt actually read an article in LJ since,
well, library school... And reflecting on how
successful the Suzuki Method had been for his
childTs tuba lessons. .. He decided heTd put read-
ing that article first on his list for tomorrow.
28"Spring 1990
Reference Headache #729:
What is this object?
aS
wooden handle
(approx. 10 1/2" x 3")
submitted by Lisa Dalton,
Rockingham County Public Library, Eden, N.C.
Proverbs, Maxims, and True Sayings
for Reference Librarians, Revised
Reprinted with the permission of the State of California Answer-
ing Service.
1. Nothing is ever simple.
2. Happiness is finding the answer in the first
source you check. (Rare.)
3. The number of times you are cut off, put on
hold, or transferred is directly proportional to
the brevity of your deadline.
4. The specific volume of a set you need is the
only one that is not on the shelf and if youTre
looking for the August 1938 issue of a par-
ticular magazine, your libraryTs run will start
with September 1938.
5. No one finds answers on Mondays.
6. The only person who can help you is:
a. on vacation
b. tied up in a meeting
c. on a six months leave
d. not taking calls this afternoon
e. retired
f. deceased.
7. Corollary to #5 and #6: Never call anyone on
a Friday. They are all:
a. out of town
b. gone for the day
c. at lunch"for the rest of the afternoon
d. no longer working there.
8. Impossible dream #1: being two days ahead
of your deadline.
ee.
Originally collected by Sally Dumax, Resources Librarian
at SCAN (Southern California Answering Network), and
Published in the September/October 1979 (tenth anniver-
Sary) issue of Scannings this list was revised and re-
Printed in the September/October 1984 (fifteenth anniver-
Sary) issue of that publication. The list received wide
dissemination among California librarians, and comes to
Us through a reprint distributed by BARC, the Bay Area
Reference Center (now defunct). SCAN is now the State
of California Answering Network.
9. Impossible dream #2: reaching the correct
government office on the first try. Corollary:
A search is generally over when the ump-
teenth government office refers you back to
the first one you called, a maneuver known as
the tight reference loop.
10. Serendipity is finding an answer to a question
when looking for something else.
11. Dismay is when youTve exhausted every con-
ceivable source, and the patron requests that
you continue the search.
12. The most promising citation retrieved in a
database is usually in Bulgarian.
13. A NEXIS searcher and his money are soon
parted.
14. Rush questions always come in threes.
15. Important phone calls are returned the in-
stant youTve stepped out of the office.
16. The depth of despair is calling the acknowl-
edged expert in a particular field only to dis-
cover that it was that person who submitted
the question.
17. Frustration is discovering that the perfect
citation you have just found is a blind refer-
ence, and appears nowhere in the source
cited.
18. Joy is having an impossible question cancelled
before you begin working on it; gloom is get-
ting a cancellation on a question for which you
have just found the answer after four hours of
searching.
19. Rapture is finding a catalog entry for a whole
book on an obscure subject and the book is on
the shelf.
Spring 1990"29
20. The material promised from New York has
not arrived because of:
a. a dock strike
b. floods in the Midwest
c. a postal strike
d. a blizzard in the Rockies
e. all of the above.
21. Misery is having the patron find the answer
after you didnTt.
22. A patronTs gratitude is not necessarily related
to the length, difficulty, or success of the
search.
23. Some of the best answers you find are to
questions you will never be asked. a
Is your library suffering from
technological sterilization?
Bring back that
old familiar scent
with
Eau de Book
Make processing what it was
meant to be!
1990 Runoff Bivd., Landfill, NC 28480
30"Spring 1990
6 gal. drums 49.95
EPA regulations
prohibit sale in
Vermont
Students and Libraries:
In Their Own Words
John Lubans, Compiler
The following are selections taken from the
Suggestion/Answer Book in the lobby of Perkins
Library. Since late 1982 this loose-leaf notebook
has recorded over 3,900 suggestions, questions,
Complaints. observations, compliments, pleas, and
demands. An anonymous author responds to each.
The authorTs identity is kept secret for several
reasons not the least of which is the apparent
appeal to students for some mystery and the re-
Sulting informality in the process of making a
Suggestion and receiving an answer. A student
Publication had this to say:
oA thick volume rests on the desk in the
front lobby of Perkins. This magical
three-ring binder contains the words of
the resident Library Oracle, an anony-
mous figure capable of answering any
question or suggestion posed by the mind
of the tortured Duke student.
But enough talk about this peculiar medium
for librarians and users, here is a sampling from
its pages for your entertainment and, perhaps,
More.
Suggestion: Why is it that the book or bound pe-
Nlodical one needs most of all for any paper is al-
Ways missing? ItTs odd. because usually, the rest
of the entire collection (in the case of bound peri-
Odicals) is there laughing at you. Every book ITve
never needed is here, easily found, yet when I
desperately need a particular book, IT IS NEVER
AROUND. WHY? Pardon my rambling discourse.
Answer; A phenomenon shared by more than
a few. Sometimes a well grazed topic may contrib-
ute to depleted resources. We'll share your insights
With the staff.
er
John Lubans is Associate University Librarian, William
R. Perkins Library, Duke University in Durham, N.C.
Suggestion: Why must we freeze in the computer
room? My hand is numb.
Answer: What happened to your other hand?
Are the rumors about the polar bears true? Your
plea will go to Physical Plant for their attention.
Suggestion: Why with such a pretentious (sic)
reputation, is Duke in actuality (sic) an intellec-
tual backwater, and, at least among the students,
a cultural vacuum?
Answer: I beg to differ; just this morning I
overheard a group of students discussing the Ar-
istotelian qualities in oGeneral Hospital� and oAs
the World Turns.�
Suggestion: People using my carrel spilled orange
soda on the floor; then the circulation people leave
nasty notes on my desk, & my feet stick to the
floor. Where are the food-sniffing Dobermans
when you need them?
Answer: Heinz and Schlupferl are at summer
camp being de-stressed in time for the fall semes-
ter. Fifi, our substitute patroller, yips and yaps a
lot but doesnTt have the same effect as the combat-
ive combo. Soon.
Suggestion: Do the oclose door� buttons in eleva-
tors really work or are they a psychological paci-
fying device?
Answer: Pacifiers were thought to be unhy-
gienic; the buttons won out.
Suggestion: FREE THE BOUND PERIODICALS
Answer: Under glasnost major improvements
in the condition of these dissidents of the subbase-
ment gulag have occurred. Familial visits are not
permitted and on occasion, certain terms being
met, escorted visits to other parts of the university
are allowed.
Spring 1990"31
Suggestion: Duke has to be the last major library
system that manually checks out books. Is this to
keep with the Gothic architecture?
Answer: Next year, we hope, will see the last of
manual checkout.
Suggestion: What happens if you have a major
overdue book fine, and you are a senior and emi-
grate to Cuba? Will you follow me to the ends of
the earth? Will this affect my credit rating?
Answer: Your name and description goes to
oFat Albert� (the Navy blimp in the Florida Keys)
with a ofind and penalize designation� for its Bolt
from the Blue program.
Suggestion: That damn bell that rings at 11:45
pm scares the hell out of me. It startles me, which
is fine because it wakes me up, but itTs useless
because weTve only got 15 min. left to study. How
about ringing that damn thing around nine-ish so
it'll keep us going for another few hours. Then at
11:45, you could have some ocheerful chimes� to
indicate that the end of hell has come.
Answer: Sunday thru Wednesday that bell
now signals an extra two hours of suffering avail-
able in the oold� building, until 2 a.m.
Suggestion: Please put a photocopier in an incon-
spicuous location. They are all in plain sight, and
it is very difficult to photocopy our boobs without
embarrassment.
Answer; Wonderful! YouTre the first person not
to complain about malfunctioning photocopiers!
Maybe they work depending on the subject matter
being copied. You do know that Public Safety gets
a video impression via the photocopier lens?
Suggestion: ITve heard that the book-theft ma-
chine could, in some circumstances, scramble an
egg. Is this true? If so, tell us so we can bring them
in with us and eat breakfast.
Answer: This is true if you carry them thru the
gates in a flaming pan, beating them vigorously
with a wisk. DonTt add salt until confiscation at the
Circulation Desk.
Suggestion: I think everyone should be required
to study naked in Perkins at least once during
their undergrad or grad experience while here.
Answer: Perhaps this could be incorporated in
the curriculum under experiential education. Sort
of like an Outward Bound - type solo in Perkins.
Forage for food and drink (no problem there);
endure the agony of cold, black plastic seats; and
become one with the environment - cope with
Perkins extremes of heat and cold!
Suggestion: WhatTs the procedure for tipping the
circulation staff? They do a damn good job.
Answer: Slip a tenner inside a book youTre
returning. Leave it outside the Administrative
Office on the second floor. We'll be sure to pass on
the book for you.
Suggestion: On which day did the lord create
Info-trac? Why didnTt he create it sooner? When
will he invent robots to do all our research for us?
Why not sooner?
Answer: For freshmen of yesteryear it wasnTt
soon enough. Consider yourself lucky. Some let the
New York Times, Newsweek, ReaderTs Digest do all
their research (and thinking). Resist by browsing
through strange parts of the library and looking at
unheard of magazines.
And then, this fan mail makes all we do seem a bit
more valuable, especially on days when the mun-
dane tends to prevail:
oThe library is fantastic. I love it. Upon
the outset of writing an 88 page term
paper for freshman Undergraduate
Writing Course, I found all 20 sources
within 9.8 seconds. How do you do it? I
love this library.�
"No suggestions. I like this place. I like
everything about this place. Well, al-
most everything. But even the things I
don't like, I sort of like. You know? I
mean, some things are kind of endearing
in their very unlikability. Like this book,
for instance. Like you know what I
mean?" al
32"Spring 1990
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-I-C-R-O
Frank Newton
Originally published in the UNC Library Staff Newsletter, No.
159 (August 1989). Reprinted with permission.
The long, arduous process of automating
operations in Davis Library took a dramatic turn
recently with the acquisition by the Acquisitions
Department of a state-of-the-art Mickey Micro BS
77 terminal. The Mickey Micro is a dedicated
terminal hooked into the Remote Wireless Card-
board Network and running on Microslick Whiz
software. The deceptively simple interface belies
4 Wealth of features long dreamed of by library
Workers but unavailable until now.
The MickeyTs sophisticated olfactory software
Permits it to detect and respond to any of thirty-
Seven MARC flavors including USMARC, Vanil-
laMarc, frankincense, myrrh, unscented MARC,
and the notorious oforbidden fragrance� outlawed
by the MARC Flavor Ratings Committee in the
wake of AACR2.
A galaxy of search keys permits easy access to
any book, no matter how inept and inarticulate its
title page. For title searches, there is the cha-cha
Mode (three words forward, one word back) and for
author searches the fuzz mode. Fuzz mode allows
Se
Frank Newton is a student in the School of Information
and Library Science and a graduate assistant in Davis
gad at the University of North Carolina at Chapel
ill.
one to type in Smothers and retrieve items by
Smothers, Smithers, Crothers, Carruthers, Dith-
ers, and Joyce Brothers, while a search under
Huckabee retrieves items by Huckabee and by
Larrabee, and vice versa. (This is the feature of the
software that was especially singled out for praise
by Steve oPearly� Gates in his laudatory review of
the Mickey in Myte.) In a revolutionary new ap-
proach, all rare and medium-frequency words"an
undisclosed number in excess of 100,000"have
been declared stopwords. It is rumored that the
next release will consolidate all title searches into
three: Pro, of,th,a; sym,of,th,b; and his,of,th,c.
The Mickey has the capability to produce
many categories of statistics useful to administra-
tors, such as call number averaging, comparative
frequency of different initial articles, and the
statistics on the relationship between ISBN and
price that were so difficult to compile manually. It
can round off OCLC numbers to the nearest
hundred or thousand. And it comes with the
famous Kit of Tools utility programs, including the
cataloging code decryptor and the cessation fore-
caster (two monthsT advance notice for serial ces-
sations, one week for publishers going out of busi-
ness). When not networked, the Mickey folds up
into a paper cutter or folds out into a mass deacidi-
fication facility (rewiring instructions included.)
Spring 1990"33
YOU NEED
DORPA
the all-purpose
library mannequin
Tired of disruptive, uncooperative staff?
Fed up with surly, ungrateful patrons?
Disgusted with lack of direction and
initiative from library administrators?
you NEED DORPH,
the all-purpose library mannequin.
Doreh
as Administrator:
Doreh
as Staff Member:
Doreh
as Patron:
* NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED *
UNISEX ADULT OR CHILD MODELS
* ACCESSORIES OPTIONAL *
Direct orders fo:
DORPH ENTERPRISES
C/O New Hanover County Public Library
201 Chestnut Street
Wilmington, NC 28401
(919)341-4390 FAX (919)341-4300
34"Spring 1990
*Handles complaints in a calm, empathetic manner
*Always available in times of crisis
*Does not monopolize travel budget
oEncourages staff input and initiative in decision making
*Immediately available to fill any vacancy
*Always willing to work night, weekend and holiday shifts
*Does not argue with patrons or dispense misinformation
*Never abuses personal phone call or sick leave privileges
*Never contests library policies and procedures
*Accepts all overdue fines and fost materials charges
*(ncreases program attendance statistics
*Models appropriate patron behavior
Carols for Catalogers
As sung by the Anglo-American Carol Revisers
Texts by Suzanne Eggleston
The Twelve Trials of Cataloging
(Tune: The 12 Days of Christmas)
When I first tried to catalog,
My teacher gave to me
A statement of responsibility.
The second time I cataloged,
y teacher gave to me
Two quoted notes. . .
-- .Three access points. . .
-- Four subject headings. . .
- Five options to apply. . .
- Six more books. . .
- Seven more chapters. . .
- Eight rule exceptions. . .
- Nine interpretations. . .
- Ten rule revisions. . .
- Eleven title changes. . .
-. Twelve hardwood samples. . .
What File Is This?
Tune: Greensleeves)
What file is this upon the screen,
With cryptic title that glows in green?
T saved them all and kept them all,
d now their contents I canTt recall.
This, this, is my floppy disk,
ith countless files in an endless list.
Haste, haste, to erase them all,
For I cannot bear to review them.
Carol of the Demanding Patrons
(Tune: We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
O bring us some information,
(repeat)
(repeat)
And bring it right here!
We won't go until we get some,
(repeat)
(repeat)
So bring it right here!
We donTt want those books,
Nor yet CD-ROM.
We want you to tell us,
Then we'll write it down.
Oh, bring us some information,
(repeat)
(repeat)
And bring it right now!
eee oOo ecp
Suzanne Eggleston is a student in the School of Informa-
tion and Library Science and a graduate assistant in
Wilson Library at the University of North Carolina at
Chapel Hill.
Spring 1990"35
The LC-NC Connection
Norman D. Stevens
oOur inventions are wont to be
pretty toys, which distract our at-
tention from serious things. They
are but improved means to an un-
improved end, an end which it was
already but too easy to arrive at.
We are in great haste to construct
a magnetic telegraph from Maine
to Texas but Maine and Texas, it
may be, have nothing important to
communicate.�
(Henry David Thoreau)
Press Release
The North Carolina State Library announces
the introduction of The LC-NC Connection. This
new high technology information system will
make available to all of the citizens of North
Carolina, through their local library, a wealth of
information to assist them in every aspect of their
lives. (April 1, 1990)
Introduction
Noted since 1963 for its imaginative approach
to the most serious problems facing librarianship,
The Molesworth Institute continues to research
such problems as commissioned by appropriate
bodies or as arcane problems come to its attention.
In the past it addressed such mundane collection
development issues as oNegative Library
Growth,� but of late it has addressed the more
glamorous issues of technology such as oImagina-
tive Terminal Design for Online Public Access
Catalogs.� Flattered by the request to reprint
some of its pioneering work in North Carolina Li-
braries, the director of The Molesworth Institute
asked the editor what pressing issues now faced
North Carolina libraries that might be researched
by his staff. She suggested that the question of
how to reconcile the rapid development of a state-
wide telecommunications network with a low and
potentially declining literacy rate might truly
Norman Stevens is Director of the Molesworth Institute
in Storrs, CT.
36"Spring 1990
challenge even our research skills. Equal to any
challenge, the staff quickly retrieved Henry David
ThoreauTs comment on the relationship between
technology and content and used that as the basis
for an unusual brown earth session which led to
the development of the LC-NC Connection that
has been introduced by the North Carolina State
Library. As the first system of this kind, the LC-
NC Connection should serve, as the research of
The Molesworth Institute typically does, as 4
model for others to follow or ignore at their peril.
Some Fundamental Laws of Information
The development of the LC-NC Connection is
based primarily on a careful analysis of ThoreauTs
prescient comment and the following critical laws
of information that were identified in the prelimi-
nary stages of this research project.
BoorstinTs Law of Aliteracy: People who
can read donTt.
CameronTs Law of Urgency: The perceived
need for information is directly proportional to the
speed with which it is transmitted even if it is not
needed immediately.
CardewTs Law of the Value of Informa-
tion: Information supplied through a technologi-
cal device is perceived to have a value twice as
great as information supplied from a printed
source. 2
GovanTs Law of the Utility of Informa-
tion: Any piece of information is of value to almost
anyone.
MolesworthTs Law of Equal Access to In-
formation: All citizens of a state need equal ac-
cess to information regardless of whether they can,
do, or will make use of that information.
PearsonTs Law of Information Storage:
Eighty percent of the information that is supplied
in the form of photocopies or computer printouts
is stored, not read.
StevensT Law of Machine Use: People will
punch the buttons on a machine even if they donTt
know what they are doing.
- The LC-NC Connection
= SP eth... wt SSE
__The LC-NC Connection is a simple device
with several unusual features that, in essence,
offers users the appearance of a highly sophisti-
cated information system. Each participating li-
brary has available in a prominent location the
Simplest computer keyboard and display screen
ver devised with programs that are run by the
Simplest software imaginable. The keyboard has
only the twenty-six letters of the alphabet--al-
though a cyrillic keyboard model is being
developed and a single large clearly labeled enter
ey. There are no number keys, no shift, lock, tab,
backspace keys; there are no function or other
Special keys; there is not even a help key. The
Screen carries only the following straightforward
message: Please type your request and press the
enter key. The user is free to enter whatever infor-
Mation he/she chooses in whatever form he/she
chooses. As the enter key is pressed, or thirty
Seconds after the last letter key is pressed, the
Machine makes appropriate noises and the re-
quested information appears from one of two
devices located at either side of the terminal. One
Side issues photocopies and the other side com-
buter printouts that may contain either biblio-
8raphic entries or full text material. Thus the user
enters a simple request and almost instantane-
Susly obtains information to take away. CameronTs
Law of Urgency and CardewTs Law of the Value of
Information mean that the products distributed in
this fashion are readily accepted as being of sub-
Stantial value.
The key to the simplicity is that the entry of
the information has nothing to do with the infor-
Mation that is supplied. Instead the information is
Supplied at random from an accumulation of the
numerous discarded photocopies or computer
Printouts that now litter most libraries or, if
�,�mand is abnormally high, from materials gen-
�,�rated at random just for the system. What infor-
Mation is actually supplied makes little difference
8!ven the combined application of BoorstinTs Law
of Aliteracy, GovanTs Law of the Utility of Informa-
tion and PearsonTs Law of Information Storage.
At the same time, the entire process satisfies
OlesworthTs Law of Equal Access to Information,
8nd intensive use of the system by a broader range
of citizens is guaranteed by StevensT Law of Ma-
chine Use.
Analysis to date has indicated that eighty
Percent of the users of the LC (low cost)-NC (no
Content) Connection describe themselves as being
highly satisfied with the results of their searches
which is a user satisfaction level that rivals or
_ exceeds that provided by more traditional library
services.
References
1. Norman D. Stevens, oNegative Library Growth,� The
U*n*a*b*as*h*e*d Librarian 18 (Fall 1974): 6
2. Norman D. Stevens, oImaginative Terminal Design for Online
Public Access Catalogs,� Information Technology and Libraries
8 (March 1989): 69-71. a
Spring 1990"37
Spine Tinglers
Real Titles Found in Real (North Carolina) Libraries
Dorothy D. Hodder and Robert G. Anthony, Jr., compilers
Joe Bob Briggs, cultural arbiter from the Lone
Star State, rates drive-in movies on their effective
use of the three BTs: Breast, Beasts, and Blood.
While librariansT lives traditionally lack this de-
gree of drama, their sources of entertainment are
no less satisfying just because they are more
subtle. Title reviewing, for example, is a frequent
pastime of the profession, many of whose members
can rarely spare the time to read much besides
tempting titles. Herewith is a small collection of
titles rated high on the Title WatcherTs Scale of
PTs: Parochialism, Prophecy, and Puns.
I. Parochialism
Includes titles of pretension and pomposity.
For instance:
Presidents Who Have Known Me
I Meet My Contemporaries
The Stupid XIXth Century
Medieval American Art
Ultimate Reality and Meaning (a
philosophy journal)
Titles mainly of local interest:
Patterns of Timeless Moments: A
History of Montgomery County, by
Mable S. Lassiter
Trout Fishery Surveillance, by
Frederic F. Fish
Literature in the Albemarle, by Bet-
tie Freshwater Pool
Ice Box Fungi (a thesis)
Special interest group newsletters:
Kudzu Vine, published (in Savannah,
Georgia) by Southerners Mobilizing
for Survival
Dorothy D. Hodder is Public Services Librarian at the
New Hanover County Public Library in Wilmington and a
member of the North Carolina Libraries Editorial Board.
Robert G. Anthony, Jr., is Collection Development Librar-
ian for the North Carolina Collection at UNC-Chapel Hill
and Book Review Editor for North Carolina Libraries.
38"Spring 1990
II.
Pothole Paragrafs, published by the
North Carolina Road Savers Council
Some newspaper titles, mainly from the Tar
Heel past:
Beans, Raleigh
Everything, Greensboro
Live Giraffe, Raleigh
Little Typo, Winston-Salem
Naked Truth, High Point
PeopleTs Literary Casket, Wadesboro
Political Broadax, Randleman
Standard Laconic, Snow Hill
And a couple of favorites from library litera-
ture:
oWaffling Along With the Bibliozom-
bies�
oSocietyTs Debt to Librarianship: A
Suggested Recompense�
Prophecy
Includes titles that tell it strictly as it is:
Old Age is Not for Sissies, by Art Lin-
kletter
Life is a Four-Letter Word, by Nicho-
las Monsarrat
The Mammoth Humbug, by Joseph
Seawell Jones
How Porcupines Make Love and Other
Titillating Nature Stuff,
by Jack Aulis
U-TU (Up the University), publisher
unknown but distributed at UNC-
Chapel Hill
SIN (Shepard Information Notes),
published by the James E. Shepard
Memorial Library, NCCU
As well as titles that confirm our deepest fears
about what things are coming to:
Bimbos of the Death Sun, by Sharyn
McCrumb
Space Grits
Trapped in the LawyerTs Den with
Bloodsuckers, by Thelma N. McKoy
Whales and Destiny
TI. Puns
Bazaar Happenings, published by
CookTs Bazaar of Carrboro
Clarinetwork
The Pot Speaks, published by Pine-
wood Pottery in Charlotte
Pregnant Pause (A Planned Parent-
hood publication)
Run-Off: The Friends of Rivers
Newsletter
Screw Gazette, published by the
Southern Screw Company
Sew It Seams, published by Anvil
Brand, Inc.
Society Gnus, published by the North
Carolina Zoological Society
Tarheel Yambassador, published by
the North Carolina Yam Commission
Toast Posties (Bulletin of the Chapel
Hill Toastmasters Club)
Uncoverings: The Research Papers of
the American Quilt Study Group
Ler Reference
otT. Malone, Jr, '"Tattlers, Trumpets, and Blasting Powder.
100 North Carolina Newspapers with Very Uncommon
Names." The State (March 1989): 44-45. al
Positions Available
ChildrenTs Librarian at major public facility. Must be experi-
enced in all aspects of this complex position, including check-ins,
check-outs, shelving, inactive storage, handling fines and over-
dues, technical processing, applying spine labels, and above all
cataloging the little devils according to the latest LC standards.
Holdings include a special collection of bedwetters.
Software Librarian at Fortune 500 company located in a state
beginning with a vowel. Must be familiar with the AutoLibrar-
ian computer system, including Cataloger 1-2-3, Front Deskette,
OrderEater, TurboShelver, HyperTyper, and TrashMaster.
Magnetic personality a definite disadvantage.
Sneak-Weeder. Small college library with bulging shelves and
not a prayer for expansion seeks stealthy person or persons to
extract and dispose of outdated, unused volumes and all related
catalog cards. Must have infallible intuition for identifying vol-
umes that will not be missed by fanatically bibliophilic faculty
members. All work must remain undetected for one year or until
the Director finds another job, whichever comes later. If you are
caught, we will disavow all knowledge of you and your activities.
Bonuses for duplicate copies and multi-volume sets. Write:
Packrat Institute, Maresnest, NC 24613.
Director of Library. National Center for Underachievement.
Collection includes 100,000+ volumes (count uncertain; orders
received since 9/79 have not yet been unpacked). Facility open
from after breakfast until sometime in the afternoon. Building
several stories tall, may have basement. No clocks, no calendars.
Average staff blood pressure 80/40. Those with a sense of urgency
need not apply. al
First librarian to find a practical use for Gift books.
Spring 1990"39
Humor in the School Library
Janet Plummer
The challenge of dealing with the spontaneity
of childrenTs unpredictable and sometimes inad-
vertently humorous comments is what attracts me
to the elementary school library/media center.
Student humor lightens the everdemanding work
of teaching and makes it possible to look forward
to each new day with great anticipation.
Humorous comments fly when the students
are gathered for storytelling in the media center.
On one occasion I was probing for the word oty-
phoons� in a fifth grade discussion about storms
that occasionally hit Hawaii and Japan. oWhat do
you call those winds?� I asked. oTorpedo winds�
came a reply. At another time I asked, oWhat do
I mean by the word odefense?� and heard, oItTs like
a wall that goes around a house.�
Sometimes itTs a matter of interpretation. I
asked a fourth grader what moss was, and he
replied very matter-of-factly, oThey look like but-
terflies.� And once I announced that we would be
painting a mural, which caused some of the stu-
dents to look puzzled. When I asked for a defini-
tion of a mural, one student quipped, oIt looks like
a kind of horse!� (A mule!)
Students can come up with extraordinary
words of their own. A few days before Christmas
one year, a third grader wanted to read a story she
had written about the three wise men. I listened
as she struggled with the names of the gifts they
had brought: oGold, Mire, and Frankenstein.�
(None of the students laughed, but I had to excuse
myself from the room for a short time.) One stu-
dent, noticing the gentle rain outside, observed,
oItTs just a-jizzlin.� Another identified a colorful
assortment of tulips as obloomers.� And the same
student who had explained that one of the two
platforms in a lake she had visited was for diving
and the other was for sunburn, went on to write
that she had odivided� into the water.
Notes from students also include elements of
humor. A third grader insisted that he had been
falsely accused of talking during story hour:
Janet Plummer is Media Coordinator at Kernersville
Elementary School in Kernersville, N C.
40"Spring 1990
Ms. Plummer.
I didnTt do it. I always get blamed for every-
thing. Truth will prevale!
One second grader wrote this apology for
jumping over a chair in the media center:
Dear Mss plummer
am sorry. I juped in the libey over the
cheir. I now I was not post to do it. I post to
be nice.
And during the first few weeks of school, a
first grader was asked to write her name and
grade number on her book card. She looked up at
me seriously and said, oITm having trouble with my
oones� (which made me wonder about the traumas
ahead when she got to the otwos�).
But my favorite comment was this original
from a second grader: oMs. Plummer, you shine
my day!� ThereTs something about elementary
school children that delights the soul. I wouldnTt
trade this job for anything in the world. a
oe pe ae
The Last Librarian
Harry Katz
There was a dim squeaking, rhythmic and
"ebetitive, as the librarian moved through the
Silent stacks. It was the kind of sound that might
© made by rubber heels on a freshly-polished
floor, but that wasnTt what caused it.
_ The librarian paused at the door of the Read-
ing Room, glancing at the few patrons sitting at
the tables. Mr. Gelberstein, his age-speckled index
iNger marking his place as he read the difficult
Old English of the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle in the
arge facsimile edition. Plump, white-haired Mrs.
Neil] with her favorite, the oversized illustrated
edition of The Wizard of Oz. All the other regular
Visitors to the library, at their tables and in the
~omfortable leather-covered chairs under the
Pleasant, glareless lighting. The trees outside had
we bare-limbed over the last week or so, the
F Tarian thought; soon there would be an excuse
a light a fire in the Reading RoomTs ancient log-
Urning fireplace. Patrons would like that.
ib The librarian turned towards the front of the
b Tary, intending to take the customary position
ehind the polished mahogany of the Circulation
Desk, It was necessary every day, just after lunch,
to take a few minutes to reshelve whatever books
had been left in the Return slot the previous day.
7 Meant leaving the front entrance unattended for
ifteen or twenty minutes but, the librarian rea-
Soned, that could scarcely be helped. The city
80vernment provided no assistants at all these
days, not even the funds for necessary fumigation
of the stacks.
It was sad, it was sad; there had been a day
When the library had been staffed with not just a
rector but also four other qualified professionals
88 well. They were all gone, now. The librarian
ad agonized over their shortcomings and pain-
fully turned a blind eye to their lapses in profes-
Slonalism, but now would have had them back
gladly, Despite the regular patrons, it was lonely.
There were no longer even other directors of area
libraries to commiserate with, these last five
years. None, in fact, in the whole world.
a JS stig eee
Harry Katz is a free-lance writer who lives in Greensboro.
It was a sad but noble burden, to be the last
librarian on earth.
As the librarian moved towards the Circula-
tion Desk there was motion at the front entrance.
A patron was entering. It took but a moment to
review the faces in the Reading Room. All the
regulars were already there. The librarian felt a
burst of excitement; this must be someone new.
But, the librarian hoped, NOT another elementary
school teacher eager to lead a tribe of noisy,
grubby children through the neatly kept stacks
and the peaceful domain of the Reading Room. He
was convinced that the last such visit was the one
that had brought in those pests that were infest-
ing the bindings of some of the older books. Surely
they had never been there in the Old Days. Surely
one of the staff would have reported the problem.
The patron who pushed open the front door
and looked about frowning did not have the air of
an elementary school teacher, however. He was a
young man in a neat suit and polished shoes,
carrying in one hand a hollow tube ten centimeters
long, a rolled up computer. His eyes met those of
the librarian, and the librarian flinched. Those
were not the eyes of a patron.
oAre you in charge here?� The manTs voice was
almost as cold as his eyes.
oT am,� said the librarian nervously. Could he
be from the Health Department? Had someone
complained about the pests in the books? Surely
not one of the regular patrons!
The man strode over to the patronsT side of the
Circulation Desk, beckoning perfunctorily. Filled
with trepidation, the librarian moved up beside
him as he unrolled the computer. It was a stan-
dard model, with key-spaces marked in rows at
the bottom and most of the ten-by-twenty centime-
ter rectangle taken up by the read-write screen.
The man looked over grimly.
oT represent the Federal MagistrateTs Office.
I formally request that you input your professional
ID for transmission of an official communication.�
oWhat is this about? I havenTt committed
any"�
The protest trailed off as the young manTs
stony glare wilted resistance. The fourteen digits
Spring 1990"41
were tapped out, followed by RETURN. There was
embarrassment and shame and not a little anger.
Did the young man have no respect for an ancient
and honorable profession? For the worldTs last
librarian? The librarian thought despairingly of
CaesarTs assault on the great collection of ancient
records at Alexandria.
While he was mulling this, the liquid crystal
screen of the unrolled computer brightened with
line after line of closely written text. The librarian
read rapidly, a sinking feeling becoming more and
more intense as line after line was absorbed.
The Federal Magistrate was about to issue an
order to turn an underused city facility over to the
Department of the Inferior. The facility in mind
was the city library. It was to be condemned,
demolished, and the ground it stood on devoted to
more socially relevant facilities. The librarian was
invited to show cause why this order should not be
executed. The time limited mentioned was twenty-
four hours.
#
The judge was an elderly man with distin-
guished demeanor, but the counsel for the govern-
ment was a tall, bald, arrogant fellow who smirked
at the librarian in open contempt. The judge and
the counsel alike had been incredulous when the
librarian appeared in court without representa-
tion, but there were no library funds available for
retaining lawyers. There were not even funds for
a qualified exterminator. The librarian had tried
to plead on humanitarian grounds that the library
was too important to its patronsT mental health to
be closed down, even on cultural grounds that the
building should be preserved as a relic of the past.
But the counsel had smashed his arguments each
time; they had no basis in law.
The judgeTs voice was dry but gentle in answer
to the librarianTs question. oThe suggestion for the
demolition originated with the attorneys repre-
senting the Snail Darter Society, though that is
hardly relevant.�
oYour honor, does that mean that the library
property will be turned into a ZOO?�
The judge looked slightly embarrassed.
oHardly a zoo, Mr., ah, Director. You know that we
are legally obligated to provide a sanctuary for
endangered species. Only one type of animal or
plant will be housed on the property.�
oB-but Your Honor, the library contains the
last collection of books on earth. The very last. All
the rest have been converted to electronic storage.�
The judge looked regretful. He was very old,
the librarian thought; perhaps he might remem-
ber the joys of real books himself, though he had
certainly never patronized the library.
42"Spring 1990
oAll those books weTve preserved with such
love, all those old people who so enjoy using them.
ItTs such a small thing to place the new facility
elsewhere, Your Honor. The patrons are so happy,
and so little makes them happy these days"�
The counsel broke in stridently. oThat is an
irrelevant matter, Your Honor. The law is very
clear in the necessity of defending the existence of
wildlife threatened by our ever-increasing rape of
our environment. Our mechanistic worship of
blind technology has made us lose all appreciation
for life. We all bear collective guilt for the extinc-
tion of the passenger pigeon, the moa, and, the, uh,
the, uh, mastodon. Can I respectfully request we
proceed with this, ah, gentlemanTs grounds for dis-
missing the demolition action?�
The judge regarded the librarian sadly.
oSustained. Could you get on with it, please?�
The librarian felt admonished despite himself.
No one wanted to be responsible for the eradica-
tion of some harmless, furry creature trying to eke
out a perilous existence in a concrete-covered
world. oYour"Your Honor, can you at least tell me
the grounds? I mean, what species"�
oThe court was not informed of the species to
be sheltered in the new facility after the dedicated
staff and elderly patrons are summarily ejected.
Perhaps counsel for the government could provide
that information?�
The bald manTs smirk became a bit less arro-
gant. But only a bit. oIt, uh, has not been finally
decided, Your Honor. Either horse leeches or fire
ants.�
The librarian was stricken speechless for a
moment while the judge gazed heavenward.
oCouldnTt either be placed in some other facility
with some other species?�
This time the counselTs voice was smooth. The
precedent is United States Vs. New York Public
Library, Your Honor. The decision was that the
entire facility must be preserved for the organisms
responsible for leprosy and a separate but equal
facility be established for those producing the
Bubonic Plague. If I recall, the library of Harvard
University proved adequate.�
The judge nodded slowly, then turned to the
librarian. oITm afraid I shall rule against you un-
less you have any additional arguments to pres-
ent.� There was a clear note of pity in his voice.
oNothing ITve said makes any difference?�
The judge shook his head, glanced sidelong at
the government counsel with his superior smile.
oTm afraid that the only grounds recognized for
refusing the governmentTs request would be that
the proposed site of the wildlife sanctuary already
harbors a species on the edge of extinction.�
The last librarian heaved a sigh of relief.
Everything was going to be all right.
#
The librarian took the last of the necessary
Photographs and pressed the button on the cam-
ra that transmitted the image to the national
data net. The heavy old volume was closed care-
fully and respectfully. The librarian had no desire
to injure either the brittle binding or its inhabi-
tant, one of the dying race of bookworms.
As the librarian carried the massive Old
Testament back into the stacks there was a rhyth-
Mic squeaking. It wasnTt very loud, but this time
the librarian noticed it and stopped. One eye ex-
tended downward to look under the smooth plas-
tic chassis, but the sound was unmistakable. The
front axle needed new bearings, no doubt about it.
Positions Available
Associate Librarian of Occult Collection of Wicca University.
Ust be free to work nights (exceptions: PresidentTs Day, Flag
Day, and Walpurgesnacht) dusk till dawn. Damned good retire-
ment plan. Contact B. L. Zebubb, Avenue of the Choking Mists,
aversack, NJ. Wicca University is an Equal Opportunity/Af-
Irmative Action employer. No Christians need apply.
Scent Librarian, Miami Zoo. Cataloger needed to classify
8 :
ents according to new LC system. Three years+ experience
7 OnLine DataSniff, Novo-Odo, The Nose, or Olfactory In-
Base a must. No weak stomachs. Contact Litter Box 411,
Miami, FL
Soap Librarian, Beverly Hills Laundromat & Sauna. High
Schoo] equivalency a must. No experience necessary. Competitive
Salary (low six figures). Applicant must be for sure totally awe-
Some. Contact anybody around Beverly Hills.
Library Assistant to Don Giovanni, well-known local business-
man and olive oil importer. Fluency in Basic, Cobol, or Sicilian
: lalects a must. Technical support equipment available, includ-
�"�8 computer, copier, fax, flak jacket, and .44 Magnum. Applicant
Should bring books for library. No wimps, please. Leave message
with Rocko or Vinnie. Come alone. At night.
Director of Library at the King Ludwig of Bavaria Clinic.
Collection includes only paperbacks. Patrons can be moderately
�,�ccentric but include many celebrities (Napoleon Bonaparte,
Elvis Presley, Charles Manson, Barney Rubble). No deposit-no
return policy simplifies checkout procedure.
Reference/Bibliographic Instruction Librarian. Whynot
College, a four-year liberal arts college serving right many stu-
�,�nts in a splendidly bucolic setting, seeks a reference/biblio-
8raphic instruction librarian to provide complete reference serv-
ice 60 hrs/wk; plan and implement a comprehensive BI program
eluding orientation tours and video demonstrations; carry out
all interlibrary loans using partial sets of LC NUC volumes;
Stimulate faculty awareness and promote library utilization,
Write successful grant proposals, repair and maintain AV equip-
ment, library copier, vacuum cleaner, share shelving responsi-
bilities. Includes non-rotating night and weekend work. ALA-
accredited MLS required, PhD preferred. Salary: $9,200 - $9,300
depending on qualifications and experience. Write to Joe Bob
Willis Dean, Whynot College, Whynot, NC 28703.
Spring 1990"43
Tar Heel Books
Ava Yarrie. Birds of the Research Triangle
Park. Pigeon Forge, Tenn: Nature Redundancy
Press, 1989. 137 pp. $17.95.
Miss Yarrie has been aptly described as ofor
the birds,� and this latest entry in her avian odys-
sey does nothing to diminish her reputation.
During the past two years, her cleverly con-
structed wicker aerie, artfully festooned with sea
oats, has become part of I-40 commuting folklore.
Dangling from the Cornwallis Road overpass, her
contraptionTs thirty foot span was rather discon-
certing at first, especially when occupied by the
250-pound ornithologist. Now, however, accidents
have lessened, traffic flow is mostly normal, and
the bird world is richer for the emergence of this
opulent volume.
oOneness with them, I seek oneness with
them� has always been Miss YarrieTs motto, and,
because of this patient dedication, some of the
regionTs shyest, rarest species have been photo-
graphed for the first time. Working with infrared
light and superhuman shutter speeds, she has
succeeded in capturing on film the nocturnal
mating ritual of the Greater Sludge. Some of the
complicated details of this courtship had never
before been witnessed. If necessary, this section of
the book can be easily detached so school or pub-
lic librarians need not fear patron reprisals.
The Noyu Tern is also notorious for its elusive
and somewhat antisocial behavior. In these pages,
documentary evidence now exists for this birdTs
rather unique tendency to travel for long distances
on the roofs of passing cars. The Noyu seems to
prefer laying its eggs on the more sporty vehicles,
Miss Yarrie informs us. Among the plethora of
charts and maps supplied to us by the indefati-
gable Yarrie, particularly valuable are the ones
detailing the fascinating flight plans of the Urban
Bustle. This is surely the smallest and most often
used migratory path on record as these birds
commute from their nesting grounds in Duke
Forest to the Research Triangle Park and back
daily.
Space permits only a few glimpses into the
wonders of this volume. We must hope that Miss
Yarrie will soon be out of the Shady Acres Ex-
tended Care Hostel and back on the wing again.
44"Spring 1990
Recommended for all libraries interested in being
on the cutting edge of bird lore.
Gene Leonardi, North Carolina Central University
Lola Sue Smith-Smith. Tar Heel Meals for the
Health-Conscious SpiveyTs Corner, N. C.::
Vivamus Press, 1989. 14 pp. $24.95.
In an era when more and more North Caro-
linians strive to achieve immortality through the
consumption of high-fiber cereals, this offering has
been long overdue. The reviewer has personally
tried a number of the more than six recipes in-
cluded in this slim (fourteen page) volume with
biodegradable covers. The pages themselves are
easily recyclable, and, in fact the final recipe
(oOkra Stuffed with Endive-Collard Pate�) amus-
ingly requires the use of pages four through ten
from the book as a liner for a baking pan.
Particularly mouthwatering was the Mock-
Ham in Ersatz-Red Eye Pseudo-Gravy, a vegetar-
ian delight that includes one of several uses for
kudzu leaves and vines. This recipe is but one of
several that provides culinary delight at Blue-
Light Special prices, since many of the ingredients
are free (i.e. kudzu leaves), some are common
household items (aspirin, Windex), and others can
be obtained with little trouble if the cook is a true
Tar Heel (low-cholesterol meats like Possum
Waffles, good sources of fiber like hickory bark).
Written in an open, amusing style (oDeep
frying in Lux Liquid produced a pork chop that
was tender, pleasant-smelling, and kind to my
hands"but not, alas, edible.�), this book is recom-
mended for any chef who has had a recent lobot-
omy.
Alfreda Fettucine, UNC-Ocracoke
Myrgatroid Cerebellum, Ph.D. Lost Colony, Lost
Continent. Lizard Lick, NC: Rubber Room Press,
1990. 169 pp. $12.95.
Myrgatroid Cerebellum is a familiar name to
readers of this column. Over the years he has
contributed nearly thirty volumes to the canon of
North Caroliniana Occult, including such gems as
Is Bigfoot a Yankee?, Haunted Treehouses of the
Outer Banks, and Human Sacrifices and the ACC
Tournament. In this latest oeuvre, Dr. Cerebel-
lum, nonagenarian professor emeritus of history
at FredTs College, has provided us with a snappy
new explanation for the mysterious disappearance
of the Roanoke Colony.
His argument centers on the correct interpre-
tation of CROATOAN, the only message left by the
lost colonists for posterity. Cerebellum suggests
that previous scholarly work has been based on a
false premise, namely that CROATOAN is to be
read from left to right. He points out (correctly, as
it turns out) that CROATOAN is NAOTAORC
When read from right to left. NAOTAORC, unlike
its mysterious mirror image, has a straightfor-
Ward interpretation in the language once used in
the Lost Continent of Atlantis. Loosely translated,
it means oTake I-40 East as far as it goes and then
keep right on going�.
At this point, CerebellumTs reasoning becomes
Somewhat more elusive than can be easily de-
Scribed here. We recommend this book as a gift for
4 child one does not particularly like.
Percival Wombat, Toast Public Library
Tar Heel Books
0. Naturale. Wooly Worms: Untapped Source
of Energy. Hanging Rock: Aerobic Press, 1989.
823 pp. Free to a good home.
The author calculates that over a zillion bar-
rels of oil could be saved annually if the U.S.
consumer were willing to take a more relaxed, low-
pressure approach to life. A key to this solution to
the federal deficit, the balance of trade, and har-
monic imbalance is the adoption of wooly worms
as a replacement for internal combustion engines.
Naturale points out at length (pp. 666-712) that
there are hidden ospin-off� advantages to his plan
as well. For example, it can be proven by statistics
that the length of wooly worm fur in Ashe County
in November has a completely random correlation
with the severity of the following winter across the
state. This can certainly not be claimed by any of
the better-known automobile manufacturers. This
book is recommended for pressing leaves, as a
reliable substrate for a personal computer, or for
knocking intruders on the head.
Buggs Ketchum, Linville College
oSince 1971"
BROADFOOT'S
North Carolina Book Sellers Helping North Carolina Librarians
Broadfoot's of Wendell
6624 Robertson Pond Rd. * Wendell, NC 27591 © (919) 365-6963
The largest selection of North Carolina books anywhere
Free Catalog Cards * Same Day Shipment
Catalog on request
BROADFOOT PUBLISHING COMPANY
Route 4, Box 508-C * Wilmington, NC 28405 ° (919) 686-4379
Publishers of historical and genealogical reference sets.
Now reprinting North Carolina Troops " Volumes I-VII
Catalog on request
Spring 1990"45
Tar Heel Books : ;
Bernie Alexandria. Abandoned Libraries of the
Carolinas. Solid Waste Site #6: D Press, 1990.
$19.95.
This book was so depressing that I couldnTt
finish it. In fact, I gave up after Chapter II, oThe
Skeleton in the Stacks,� which described the au-
thorTs excavation of the former public library of
Yella Houndawg, N.C. A three-hanky piece of
nonfiction, this is wonderful as a cathartic for
older librarians and a horror piece for younger
colleagues. Not recommended for those under
thirty-five.
Ursa Major, Helms AFB Library
Other Publications of Interest:
Great Potholes of Boone and Asheville. A se-
rious and knowledgeable comparative study of
these scenic wonders in two of our most memo-
rable mountain communities. Sure to appeal to
patrons planning trips to the area.
Rhymes that DonTt, and Rhythms. Several
thousand lines of complete drivel alleged to be
serious poetry by my ex-wife, which has nothing
whatever to do with my opinion.
Little-Used Bike Paths of the Tar Heel State.
The paths followed include one that runs from
Cape Hatteras to Ocracoke, the Grandfather
Mountain Vertical Mile, and the middle of the
right lane of I-40 halfway between Greensboro and
Winston-Salem at rush hour on a Friday afternoon
during an ice storm.
Thorns of the Carolinas. How to recognize our
stateTs thorn-bearing plants by touch alone. Over
two hundred gut-wrenching photographs.
Behind the Barn. A thriller set in (fictional)
Bunkum County, N.C. includes KGB agents, Hari
Krishnas, and trained black bass. As his enemies
relentlessly close in, Ethelred oLucky� Shrike
cowers behind his barn. You'll be ready to shoot
him yourself by the time this book staggers to a
conclusion.
Life in the Fast Lane. The nightmarish true
story of a family trapped in a fuel-efficient foreign-
made car when its cruise control jammed at 55
mph. The seven members of the Gerbil family
almost starved to death before the vehicle ran out
of gas after 6700 miles and 122 hours of perambu-
lation.
46"Spring 1990
Being Really Totally Safe. Which automatic
weapons does your cost-conscious family need to
ensure safety? Which anti-tank rocket gives the
omost bang for the buck,�the US-manufactured
LAW or the Soviet RPG? Useful chapters for the
whole family (oTeaching Your Toddler to Lay
Mines�; oGranny Gitcher Gun�; oUzis ArenTt Just
for Sissies�; oDadTs Special Napalm Recipe�). Rec-
ommended for wealthy paranoids.
FOR I=1 TO 386: READ. This product of the
Research Triangle is a major literary break-
through, the first major work of fiction written
entirely in the Basic computer language. Titillat-
ing, witty, droll, and colorful, this work is recom-
mended for IBM AT or Macintosh II. Warning:
Many passages involve explicit I/O and might
offend users with less than 480K of RAM.
1979 in Smothering Skunk. A novel that blows
the veil of respectability off a fictional North
Carolina town. Behind a thin veneer of middle-
class American life, there lurk people who drink
milk straight out of the bottle, donTt signal before
turns, and check books out of the public library.
This one will keep you running to the bathroom
until the final paragraph.
Mentioned at all:
Our Friend the Boll Weevil
North Carolinians Who Moved to the
Falklands
I Ate My RV
My Dog, My Truck and My Gun
o� Salutes Illiteracy
Siegfried at the Circulation Desk
Coach V and the Alien Point Guard
Kernersville
1001 Uses for Chiggers
When the Outer Banks had Drive-In Windows
Defenestration at the Dean Dome
Offensive Driving Techniques for 18-Wheelers
Library News Briefs
So You Think You Got Problems?
_ In Berkeley, CA, two patrons of the Univer-
Sity library have sued 18-year-old reference assis-
tant Tina Cogg for $2.5 billion. The two allege that
�,�r failure to provide them with a copy of the
Prophecies of Nostradamus quickly enough pre-
ics them from ocalling in Beings from a Higher
1 lane� to halt the October 13 earthquake. Their
awyer, Edgar Earthman, told reporters that the
city authorities are considering criminal charges
of negligence and disturbing the peace. His clients
are also reported to be seeking revenge by calling
Upon ojust retribution by the Flame Beings of the
Ninth Dimension.� Ms. Cogg is paid $3.35 per
hour.
No Comment from Quayle
The State Library Association of a large, rec-
tangular state recently passed a resolution that
urged their congressional representatives to lobby
or a Constitutional Amendment. The proposed
amendment would name the Librarian of Con-
8Tess as successor to the Presidency.
1 Used to Know All That
HyperTech Inc. president Billy Smith, 12-
year-old self-made billionaire microchippette de-
Signer, called a news conference to display a proto-
type of a new micromicrodevice that ojust come to
Me, yTknow?o Billy said as he proudly held up his
~atest miracle invention on the tip of his right
index finger in a high wind.
: The new device, the only one of its kind, con-
tains the contents of the national libraries of all
Members of the United Nations as well as the
State libraries of the Vatican, Monaco, Antarctica,
Erewhon, and several low-orbiting satellites.
Itis easily accessed by all major microcomputers,
telephones, calculators, copying machines, and
Manual typewriters, costs 9 cents to manufacture,
and is just over 1/1000 inch on a side. It can be
found somewhere in the eastern part of Utah. A
reward is offered.
IdentiBook: New Aid to Librarians
_ An NCLA intelligence agent has uncovered an
Mnovation in the publishing industry that prom-
1Ses great benefits to librarianship. A major pub-
lishing house, in a cost-cutting measure, now
Produces all hardcovers with identical bindings.
All IdentiBook® volumes are 9.5 x 6.5 inches, gray
in color, and have no information printed on the
spine. They also lack frontmatter, title pages, and
page numbers, all ofrills that simply add to our
competitorsT inflated costs,� said company presi-
dent John Smith. Still more impressive is the fact
that all books now have the same length, 256
pages. Shorter works have been supplemented
with randomly-inserted blank sheets while longer
works have simply had their final sections omit-
ted. oNobody really reads books that long anyway,�
commented a company official on condition that he
not be identified.
The Zero Option
City fathers in a large North Carolina city
were gratified to find that after severe staff cuts
the city library was well within revised budgetary
guidelines. The previous director had resigned in
protest over the eighty-five percent funding cut,
stating that the remnants of the library staff could
not deal with a collection of nearly a million vol-
umes. A new director was hired after a long
search. The directorTs previous experience in li-
brarianship was somewhat limited (he lived near
a library branch, though he had never visited it)
and officials were not sanguine about his chances
of successfully directing the facility.
In fact, they found to their surprise that in the
new directorTs first year the library was in the
black by a substantial $790,000. A grateful mayor
called the director to her office for congratulations.
When questioned about innovative techniques
that led to the massive surplus, the director
modestly (and somewhat obscurely) referred to an
unexpected windfall of overdue fines.
The following year, the library income was
$3,277,000, eclipsing traffic fines as a source of
revenue. The city government then ordered an
audit of the library accounts to determine how to
produce similar dramatic changes in other city
service departments.
While most budget figures were well within
expected margins, one line item drew careful at-
tention. The library had realized a seven-figure
income from sales of discarded books.
Confronted with what was by now a consider-
able concern, the director readily admitted that he
had been systematically selling off the collection.
He defended his actions vigorously, noting that the
smaller collection meant that the staff could be
reduced and that since fewer books were borrowed
service hours could be cut back, further cutting
costs. oBesides,� he said as he was led away by
attendants in white uniforms, oitTs a lot brighter in
Spring 1990"47
there than it was with all those books blocking the
sunlight.�
He has denied renting newly-opened areas of
the stacks to family members for picnics and
camping.
New Nuclear Concern
The director of the Los Alamos Public Library
has reported that radiation from nearby nuclear
tests has had an unexpected effect on books and
periodicals.
oAt first, we thought they were just typos,� he
said. oI mean, you've got to figure itTs a typo if a
volume of Moby Dick starts with ~Call me Fred.�
But staff members began reporting more
serious problems, such as hardcovers turning into
paperbacks, and periodicals whose covers said
ReaderTs Digest but contained articles from The
Astrophysical Journal.
oThereTs no question about it,� said the LAPL
director. oTheyTre mutating. No telling where it
will end.� He shook his head sadly as he slithered
back into his office. al
Credits for this
Issue
Drawings are by Melinda Munger, formerly
Children's Librarian at the Onslow County Public
Library in Jacksonville, N.C., and now COordina-
tor of Children's Outreach Services for the Miami-
Dade Public Library System in Miami, FL. The
drawings first appeared in Down East, a publica-
tion of the Loose Region.
Bookmark designs are contributed by the
Forsyth County Public Library in Winston-
Salem, N.C.
oFalse Advertising� is courtesy of Harry
Tuckmayer and Dorothy D. Hodder (the crea-
tor of Dorph). Harry is Headquarters Librarian
and Dorothy is Public Services Librarian at the
New Hanover County Public Library in Wilming-
ton. Both are members of the North Carolina
Libraries Editorial Board. a
The Garden Club's doing a wonderful job and
we're very grateful, but might I suggest a
lighter hand with the fertilizer?
48"Spring 1990
of
