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ANY DAY OF THE WEEK APRIL FOOL'S DAY THE EMERALD CITY PURPLEVILLE. NORTH CAROLINA uolume OD, issue 00 Pop Culture Degree Coming to ECU Lois L a n f SEN f OR ITA WklTKR Finally ECU students will be able to get a college degree for doing something they love to do: nothing. Eating Cheetos and sleeping until the afternoon will finally get students a college degree. The new degree, to be called Popular Culture Studies, will debut "when I get around to making out a curriculum said I.M. Stupide. The curriculum, when Stupide finishes it, is expected to have classes to ful- fill a major minor or even general education requirements. To fulfill English requirements, rather than taking English 1100 and 1200. students may choose from Science classes to be offered by the Popular Culture department will be Appetizer 1100. Chemistry Set and Operation! mastery. Operation! mastery will replace an anatomy and physiology course; students must lie an expert at the game that requires players to remove bones without making the buzzer go off. Appetizer 101, which can be substituted for chemistry, will teach students to make mocktails and party food. "We want students to be well-nourished when they party Stupide said. "They will have to combine things to come up with good things to eat Chemistry Set allows students to purchase a chemistry set from either Dowdy Student Stores, University Book Exchange orToys-R-l's. As soon as thev can do all the experiments in the set, rhey earn an A. Stupide said the general geography requirement could be met when a stu- dent puts together a puzzle of the United States, also to be stocked at the Student Store. UBE and Toys R Us. Physical education requirements can be met with one of three classes: Sunbathing, Walking the Dog and Rec Center Workout. "Students can get class credit for getting a tan, walking their dog or even being seen at the Rec (enter History, science, math and English requirements can also be met, Stupide said, bv using Schoolhouse Rock! videos. Stupide said. "If stu- dents choose this option, thev have to sing one selection from America Rock. Science Rock. Math Rock and Grammar Rock. For instance, they'll have to sing The Preamble 'Intcrplanet Janet Three is a Magic Number' and 'Conjunction Junction " Students who choose to major in Hip Culture Studies will have a v anctv of majors from which to choose, such as: TVA CR Programming, Redneck English. Talk Show Sociology, Soap Opera Psychology, '60s, '70s and '80s Music Appreciation, Fast Food Nutrition, Criminal Justice in the Popular Media, Comic Book Literature. F'R Pre-Medicine and Film. Television, Radio and Video. "We figure you need a college degree to program a television or video cassette recorder-cither that or people are just too damn lazy to do it. So if a student can program all kinds of these things, people will pay a load of money to have their VCRs pro- gran" med Stupide said he has approached members of the Knglish Department to handle the Redneck English and Comic Book Literature tracks and has approached members of the Medical School to handle the h.R Pre-Med track. The Film, Television, Radio and Video track can be covered by watching films at Hendrix and television at Mendenhall Student Center. Blockbuster Music and Blockbuster Video have been approached to offer videos, compact discs, bixiks and magazines as required class materials. Students who declare FTRVas their major will be able to concentrate in Films on Video, television and radio programming by genre and Music Video. "It's the MTV' (ieneration coming of age Stupide said. CD Alley has been approached to provide class materials for the Musk Appreciation track. "We've also approached the area night spots to serve as the Soon the lounge at Mendenhall Student Center will be a classroom as watching television will earn stu- dents a college degree. PHOTO BY JILL JACKSON classrooms Stupide said. As for when the degree will be available to students. Stupide said, "I'm not sure. I can't work on the curriculum until my doctorate comes through Stupide said he expects his doctorate to arrive any day now from International Sell-Out certain for Spring Concert Tony Montana STMF WKITF.K Coming as no surprise to ECU students is the recent booking of a major concert set to perform at Williams Arena in Minges Coliseum. Innovative musician. Beck, was booked by the Popular Entertainment Committee to perform a Spring concert. However, EC.l I was outbid by N.C State for Beck to play at Reynolds Coliseum in Raleigh. Not to be outdone, the ECU Popular Entertainment Committee has succeeded in booking a diverse trio of acts to entertain the student bodv. Rap performers Wu Tang Klan will kick off the April .11, 1997 concert at 7:30 p.m. Spoken word performer Henry Rollins will follow Wu Tang as another feature performer whose job is to hype up the crowd for the headlining act. "I've performed in venues in all sizes of cities all over the world Rollins said. "But when I was offered the chance to play a city like Greenville, I couldn't pass it up Rollins said. It's been a long time coming for anothet legendary act like the Allrnan Brothers Band to play Williams Arena. But the contracts have been signed and students are giddy to see M.C. Eakin (a.k.a. Chancellor Richard Eakin) perform hits from his years in the recording business. "I heard about how much the Allmans got in 1995 to play, so all I said was 'Show me the money Eakin said. But the fun does not stop there. Eakin will be backed up on the wheels of steel by Board of Trustees. Eakin's hits go back several years to his first smash, "Two Secretaries and a Dictaphone "I wasn't planning on touring this year because of the hectic schedule I have moon- lighting as the Chancellor Eakin said. "But seeing as I'll onlv have to go to the other side of campus for soundcheck. I'll make an exception in this case Older students remember the fashion trend set in the early 80's by Chancellor Eakin. "Nobody wore Pumas with fat laces until Chancellor F'akin did one ECU stu- dent said. "1 just hope I'll lie able to get tick- ets before they sell out another student said. Tickets go on sale next week and are avail- able at all TicketMonster outlets in North Carolina. The April 31 show is certain to sell out so students are encouraged to buy their tickets in advance. ANY DAY OF THE WEEK lifestyle Editor learns to WEATHER: enjoy downtown . , who cares" we Opinion�- V make it SGA keeps promises up anyway once in office sports$ Pirates win all J�b games �? the least Carolinian M Rtlli Bt06. PURPlfVULE. NC 27858 across fiom consmiction phone 328-6366 choastoom 328-2000 the money makers 328 6558 phonepaper thingy e-mail uutececuvm cisecu edu MONEY IN 'DA BANK Been noticing fewer squirrels on campus lately? That's because the Department of Biology is offering a S25 cash reward for any live Cx Maors (squirrels) to advance laboratory research in cloning The department wishes to assure squirrel lovers that few animals will perish during the research and that there are sure to be hundreds, maybe thousands. of squirrels on campus by the fall. PHOTO B JILL JACKSON Levi Strauss, ECU merge; students gain JILL J fcCKSON S 1 h 1 �K I I I H F'arly Monday morning. Chancellor Ivikm announced to the Board of 'Trustees that the contract Ed has been negotiating with lx:vi Strauss and company has been finalized, After almost a year of implementing and revising, the contract, which bonds the jeans company and the university in an unprece- dented manner was signed sealed and put into effect as of today. The contract states that anv student who has supported Levi Strauss by buying authen- tic Levi products since the beginning of his or her college career is eligible for a special schol- arship which makes complete provisions for in- state and out-of-state tuition and u housing and dining allowance. "We feel that this is the least we can do for our faithful customers said Company CEO Nathan Levi-Stattofi III. "We also feel that this is a wonderful opportunity to further the business of our company" .Statton said all of the parties invoked ratio- nalized that if students are relieved from the burden of tuition and fees, they will have more revenue to put back into the company and at the same time build upon their Levi wardrobe. "I can think of no greater honor than for our university ro be singled out for this distinction b such a successful corporate conglomerate Eakin said, adding that this is also a wonderful opportunity for some promising degree-seek- ers to further their academic careers. Statton said that the only limitations in the contract are stated in Clauses II and III if the contract which state that eligibility for the scholarship hinges on w hether or not the appli- cant owns both a pair of SOIs and a pair of 550s and whether or not the applicant has pur- chased anv l)lo or Tommy Flilfiger jean prod- uct. "These clauses were added for a number of very important reasons Statton said. "We feel that anv serious Levi supporter who is deserv- ing of such a generous scholarship shouid at least own our most popular products. 501 and 550. We also do not find it in the best interest of our company to reward anv consumer who has been supportive of our most recent popu- lar rivals Eakin expressed concerns that Clause III will disqualify a lot of students because of the popularity of Polo and Tommy wear on campus, but Statton said the clause must remain for the better good of I .cvi Strauss and companv. Overall. Eakin said he is more than pleased with the new ECU-Levi partnership and expressed hopes that more mergers of this kind can be made in the future. Applications for the E( II -I.FAT Partnership Scholarship (ECULPS) are available in Austin 212. Students will be required to show suitable proof that thev meet the specifications of Clauses II and III. Photographs such as the one above are considered suitable proof for meeting one of the requirements stated in Clauses II and III of the ECU-Levi Partnership Scholarship Other proofs include bringing in the specified jeans to Autin 212 when seeking an application PHOTO BV JILL JACKSON They're coming to take us away ( VMM R . 1 H B FRIENDLl I. H O s I W M I ! ! H In the wake of the Heaven's date cult fiasco, a new group on campus has called tor univer- sitv officials to give them asylum. The group, which identities itself as Renouncing the Extraterrestrial Deportation of Newly Fducated Country Kooks lor R.E.D.N.E.C.R.), warns protection from the aliens in the spaceship that is flying in the rail of the Hale-Bopp comet, the same aliens which rook awa rne 1 leav en's f rate members. "We feel like they're after us next said R.E.DNF, C.K. president Bucky Sinister "Mv momma, my uncle, several of my uuisms and my best milk cow have all had encotinrers with aliens at different tunes in the past year. It all happened right nut back in nut tobacco field Wlin knows what plans them luilc green suckers have in store tor us Following the overwhelming evidence pre- sented m the documentary films Independence Day and Mars ttacks the insightful TV news shows Mien utopsv and The X-Files, and the continued coverage of things extraterrestrial bv such notable news- papers as The Weekly World News and The National Enquirer, it seems that R II ).N. !�( K. members do legitimately have something to fear. "You damn sfcippy acknowledged R.E.D.N.E.C K. secretary Eileen Dover. 'Mv brother Ben was taken aboard a miniature alien ship that was hiding in the latrine dug under his tcn-seater outhouse. He came out in i dae several davs later, and to this day he still can't say the words 'Tidy-Bowl' without having seizures I'm telling you them dang Martians is nuts, rhey could be anywhere. I Icll. vnii might be one of 'em. Vi ain't, is ya?" "It is a known fact that most extraterrestri- al sightings ami i nntai is arc made in tobacco fields Hi uiir in ihe , ountryside with farmers or other manual laborers noted alien expert and F.( A professor (Jene Ween explained. "These outworlders tend to target and prev on those unsuspecting, innocent workers for reasons that are incomprehensible to most of the academu. I have my theories, but thev are probably a little bit over the heads of vour readership. Sorrx. Now get our of mv office, vi hi small-brained person The compelling case made bv these suffer- ers of intergalactic prejudice and specicsism has not fallen on deaf ears with the adminis- tration. (IhanceJIor Eakin has allotted the R.E.D.N.E.C.K. group space in the newly- erecred clock lower ro reads themselves for the oncoming assault. Because of R.I�I ).N�( Ks plight, the Studeni Government Association has gone the extra step and decided to give up their paid tiiitnm Thev will use the money instead t.i buy substantial artillery for the protection of the clock sower and campus from alien inva- sion, il of us here at lit are praying for sou R.E.1 N I. I K.s; hang in there. Duncan decides against NBA s hoc less Mo Jackson STAFf vv K I I 1 R Stunning. That is all that could be said of the announcement made by Wake Forest star Tim Duncan yesterday. Duncan called a special press conference to announce that he would not continue his basketball career in the NBA. The onlv "Vm tired of basket- ball and am ready for something new and challenging" Tim Duncan W�� FCStSi BASKET3ALL PlAYtR unanimous All- American choice this sea- son and the first repeat selection in five years was chosen The Associared Press' college basketball play- er of the year last Friday. "I'm tired of basketball and am ready for something new and challenging Duncan said. "Sure. 1 could make millions in the NBA. but I have to ask myself, 'Would I real- ly be happv?' I think the answer is no Duncan was expected to be the number one pick in this year's draft after averaging 20.8 points and 14.7 rebounds this season. He finished his career with 2.117 points and 1.570 rebounds. He is the 10th player in Division I history to have more than 2,000 points and 1,500 rebounds and his 481 blocked shots were second on the career list. Head Coach Dave Odom knew Duncan was reconsidering his admission to the NBA. "Tim always said basketball wasn't really his game Odom said. When asked what was his game. Odom replied "chess Chess? That's right. Tim Duncan, the basketball star who had his jersey retired will compete competitively on the U.S. Chess Tour. "It allows me to think and use my mental abilities instead of my physical abilities Duncan said. "It's a lot more delicate and I won't get banged around so much Duncan has been an avid chess player since the age of nine when a friend of his showed him in grade school. "1 had to keep it a secret because I knew my basketball buddies would sav I was a wuss for playing chess Duncan said. "But 1 placed a quick game before every game while playing at Wake Forest and look how well 1 did. I have found mv calling NBA Commissioner David Stern was shocked and upset by the announcement. "I. I. am so upset Stern said, crying. "What betrayal Rookie NBA star Marcus Cambv. Player- of-the-Year lasr season, thought Duncan made the right choice. "Man, I know what it's like to want to fol- low vour dreamainhv said. "Main people don't know that I took ballet lessons up until last vear. I wanted to follow with the Massachusetts Ballet Companv: they even offered me a grand salarv. but I thought pink isn't really my color, so I chose basketball Cambv went on to praise Duncan.