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aHBHaMSBMI mum? April 1,1996 Vol XX, No. XX clearly labeled i ? ? The Xeast Carolinian Circulation 1 million gazillion East Carolina University The Emerald City, N C a lot of pases Virus wreaks havoc across campus Around the State Hickville, NC - Several members of the Iatola Alter- native Religion Association (IARA), took an Oscar Myer Weiner truck hostage this morning, demanding that the company start using actual dogs in their hot dogs. Faleigh, NC - The gov- ernor resigned this morning after being found in the sack with Attorney General Janet Reno. Although Hunts said he thought she was gay, he said Reno had hit oh him re- peatedly in a bar the night before, and told him she wouldn't leave until he "took her to the top of the moun- tain Around the Nation Boise, Idaho - Potato farmers from across the state have gone on strike and say their protest will not end until the potato queen is recrowned. She lost her title last year after being exposed in a scandel that involved Mr. Potato Head and several of the McDonald's french fry guys. Sacramento, Ca. - Re- porting from an underwater capsule which had been in- vented several years earlier, California reporters say the state has finally fallen into the Pacific Ocean. Experts are now worried about Japan being sub- merged due to the tremen- dous amount of water dis- placement Around the World Koyomoadifh, Japan ? Several oceangoers reported record-breaking sea levels across the country. Citizens are responding to the scare by starting surf and ski clubs throughout. Membership fees are said to be as high as $2,500. One paper reported they are plan- ning to add a Bert's Surf Shop to their franchise list Hooochiecoochie, South Africa - An unknown virus, similar to the Ebola Virus has broken out in a small town, and taken the lives of hun- dreds of citizens. Rather than bleeding from body orifices, however, an unknown flavor of Gatorade is the fluid of choice for this disease. Bible group censors every campus site Bucky Sinister Staff Writer A monster is loose on the Internet. Dubbed Puritannicus by ECU Computer Special Forces Team Leader Duke Danger, this monster is rampaging through the net, de- vouring all suspicious data in its path. So far, Puritannicus has been confined to the ECU system. All net services on campus have been sus- pended until further notice, pending the apprehension of this terrible beast Puritannicus was originally a mere computer virus designed to in- fect pornographic materials being sent over the net Developed by an extreme fundamentalist faction of Greenville's Christian Science Labo- ratories (CSL), the virus was released as an act of Christian terrorism. "We were tired of the Muslims stealing all the headlines said Davidson Barbarism, leader of terror- ist group Puritan Thunder. "Christian rights are under attack by net porn, and it's time we fought back CSL officials have denied any knowledge of the virus' development and have severed all ties with Puri- tan Thunder. Once released into the system, the virus started doing its work. "In its viral, or as I am now call- ing it - larval form, Puritannicus zipped from user to user, infecting pornographic materials said ECU'S Duke Danger. "Insinuating itself into the files, it then had several options. In the case of nude photos, Puritannicus would bit-map conser- vative clothing onto the models. With pornographic stories, it would re- place offensive lan- guage with the phrase, 'Jesus loves you Within hours of its release, how- ever, the virus started behaving strangely. Invading active net sites, it began disrupting communication of even the most vaguely sexual na- ture. Eventually, it turned on its cre- ators and broke into Biblical chat rooms discussing the Song of Solomon, the Virgin Mary and Old Testament begatting practices. "The real problem began when it hit the begatting stuff Danger ob- served. "Rather than disrupting the information, the virus absorbed it. Then it started growing Taking up progressively more memory, the virus, now officially evolved into the monster known as Puritannicus. started a rampage that has not been without its casualties. "At 0100 hours, Puritannicus en- gaged a chat room in Austin com- puter lab and devoured the net iden- tities of no less than 10 users said Sgt Lyle Manly of the National Guard Computer Task Force sent to ECU to aid in this crisis. Bereft of identity, these 10 stu- dents have lapsed into comas. They aTe currently under observation at Pitt Memorial Hospital. Doctors will not comment on their condition, but "We're currently constructing a data string of nude Star Trek photos and cheesecake shots of Terry Hatcher" ? Duke Danger inside sources tell TLC that the situ- ation looks grim. Back on campus, efforts con- tinue to isolate Puritannicus. "We're cur- rently con- structing a data string of nude Star Trek pho- tos and cheese- cake shots of Terry Hatcher Danger said. "We hope to lure the crea- ture into a spe- cially-prepared bank of com- puters in the H- ?"??????????? nancial Aid of- fice. Hopefully, Puritannicus will take the bait and we'll be able to trap it there. The next few hours will tell the tale If successful, ECU computer ex- perts hope to study the creature in detail, a process estimated to take no more than five years. Until such studies are finished, and the Puritannicus files are safely deleted, all ECU Financial Aid services will be terminated. If Puritannicus does manage to escape the Financial Aid trap, it could continue to grow until it fills the entire campus computer system. Then, with ECU as its base, it would spread to other systems world-wide. Recent guest lecturer James Burke, who spoke Tuesday night on the Internet, was consulted on the crisis. "Why don't they just unplug the bloody computers?" the aston- ished Burke suggested. ECU offi- cials are currently taking the televi- sion scientist's idea under advise- ment. Beavis elected campus president Jordan enters NHL Staff Reports As if basketball and a failed at- tempt at baseball wasn't enough for Michael Jordan, now he is going to try his luck at hockey. That's right hockey. Many of the NHL teams were interested in Jordan but he announced today that he will be the center for the Dallas Stars. He will commute between Dallas and Chi- cago. When asked why he chose Dallas, Jordan replied that he was ready to get away from the hectic life of the city and now he can kick back on the range and watch the buffalo in his back yard. Stars Head Coach Ken Hitchcock is excited about the arrival of Jordan. Hitchcock, who has lost over 250 pounds, said he went on the diet to make room for one more player on the bench. "I was getting too fat and when the rumor started that Jordan might be playing for us, I decided to thin down so he could fit into the box with the rest of us Hitchcock said. Dallas is currently in 11th place in the western conference standings and hopes the addition of Jordan will intimidate the Stars' opponents. "He can jump and fry and hope- fully he can use those skills on the ice Hitchcock said. Jordan has never played hockey before, but is looking forward to a new challenge. "I've played ice hockey video games Jordan said. "Does that count Dallas officials are excited about Jordan coming and hope his status in the sporting world will bring fans from all over to fill empty seats. "I know we have sucked this year Hitchcock said. "But since we now have Jordan, maybe we can bring in some fans to cheer us on and keep our spir- its high Fans of the Stars are excited about their new player. "It brings tears to my eyes to know we are getting the greatest athlete in the world Steve Gray said. "Now I hope we can win some and go atop the conference Dallas is eight games behind Winnipeg who currently is the eighth team to get into the playoffs. The league only takes the top eight teams. Phil Jackson, Jordan's basketball coach with the Chicago Bulls, doesn't completely understand why his star player is taking up the game of hockey. "When Jordan told me he was going to play hockey, I just looked at him and asked, why?" Jackson said. "He told me the challenge excited him, and added initially he wanted to try figure skating but said he wouldn't be caught dead in all that spandex. but hockey was the next best thing The Stars would be giving the 6'4" Jordan the opprotunity to fulfill a childhood dream to play center. That's right center. Jordan said he feels that he's been in the shadow of such players as Larry Bird and Magic Johnson because of their height; they were able to do something that he could not post up! Seeing that Jor- dan couldn't very well play Hakeem Olijawan one on one, he decided to do the next best thing, play center in another sport "Mr. Jordan has what doctors de- scribe as 'pivot man envy and feels inadequate as an athlete said well known NBA psycologist Disiz Ridiculos. ? Since Jordan is confine- to the ice due to the skates he'll have to wear, Jordan plans to develop a one- footed, 360 degree spin between-the- legs slapshot. Jordan said he will have at least 68 shots on goal per hockey match. "I feel my reach will help me against smaller players like Mario Lemieux Jordan said. "But, how close to the refs call fouls?" Jordan got in some practice with the Air Force Academy hockey team in Boulder, Colo, this weekend. The team could hardly believe how quickly he adapted to the game. "He was awesome said Major Woodie, coach of the Commander's Cup Champion Falcons. Other teams around the NHL have commented on the recent addi- tion to the league's roster. "I'm a Knicks fan, personally, so I recommend Jordan better eat his Wheaties Mark Messier, NY Ranger's center said. Other players agree that Jordan will add competition to the ice. "I'm taking Jordan to the hole legendary hockey star Wayne Gretsky said. Nachos and babes promised to all students Flaky Biscuit Staff Writer The results are in and Beavis has been named president of ECU'S student body. "Cornholio Beavis ex- claimed after learning about his victory over Butthead for the presidential position. "Butthead I knew you would lose because you suck, suck, suck, suck, suck Butthead will automatically assume the position of vice presi- dent "Uh, this sucks Butthead said after the final tallies were counted. "Beavis I'm gonna kill you, then I'll be president" The team plans to "get babes for every dude" and to provide nachos 24-hours a day in every class, residence hall and at all cam- pus activities. Chancellor Fakin had some concerns about how student funds would be spent under the duo's direction. "I've seen their show he said. "They're idiots who have never had any kind of money be- fore in their life. We're going to have to watch them very closely The chancellor has also made provisions to ensure Beavis is never given sugar or chocolate of any kind to ensure his hyperac- tivity stays intact "We've taken the vending ma- chine out of his residence hall and plan to keep him surrounded with security at all times Fakin said. "Hey, where's the violence?" Beavis asked when watching the monitors in Mendenhall. Addi- tional campaign promises include