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The Fckhead APRIL 1,1979 Ricky Low torn in half by SGA In a delayed reaction to the SGA Review Board ing last April, SGA Treasureer Ricky Low was in halt yesterda) by two irate factions of the legislature. Fckhead photographer John Growgun was on the scene and had ttu to say about the incident: M God, the) tore that poor sucker right in ? Growgun, who was able to snap the companying photograph, called the scene "phan- tasmogoric He said, "I'm grossed out Mendenhall Mongul Ruddy Alexandeer said, Nothing like this has ever happened in the Student Center before 1 in glad we got photos of it. Too bad they're in color Earlier, Low had confided in an interview that flel torn about the election results. "I don't know it I can take all this tension he said. SGA President Brett Melvin would not comment the incident. 'No, 1 don't think I want to say anything about it right now he said. "I have a lot of work to do, so why don't you just, uh, jerk off, okay?" Former treasurer Zac Smith said that he did not think the incident was racial in nature. "This is a very progressive school, and I have never encouraged any prejudice against blacks here. Look at the benefits offered to minorities. We even had our own newspaper for a while "No Smith continued, "I think the legislators were mor concerned with Ricky's abilities as a treasurer. They obviously didn't have much confidence in him Chancellor Thomus Bluer said of Low, "He was a good boyhe never caused any trouble. Knew his place. I was glad to overturn the Review Board decision for him Former Fckhead editor had this to say about the incident: 'To' Ricky Lo" Low could not be reached for comment. Doug White! Important f message for you inside! 'sssswsyssssyrssssssrss Ricky Low?he feel berry, berry bad 'SexuaV Cy Kosis lectures on sex at EZU A top ECU psy- Professor Cy Kosis, lectured recently. peigh Auditorium on the to "Recognition in al Depression in Libido-dominated Per- sonalities The lecture, ?i was almost totally unattended, was billed be of great impor- tance to all college-age persons. ECl Cancellor Thomas Brewer, after introducing Kosis as "an internationally recognized wimp and fraud left the audi- torium "to get my Lithium injection before, well, Mtu know Thisleft your reporter sitting alone on the front row as Dr. Kosis arranged the flashcards for his lecture. I moved hack one or two rows so a to be incon- spicuous. The following portions of the Kosis lecture have been edited for ox morons: 'What, then, are the signs of libidodom- inated personality? First, there is the recognized physical compensation syndrome in which the individual adopts unconscious physical mannerisms which, while unnoticed by the lay persons, will key the trained psy- chologist that libido deprivation is mani- festing in psycho-motor affectations. "In the male, these physical mannerisms include 30 or more push-ups per day, a fascination with dough- nuts, and overwrought ring-toss scores. "For women, signs of libidinal frustration include excessive foot- figure-eights with the legs crossed, rubbing against flag poles and trees, and eating pop- sicles. "Verbally, these deprived people mani- fest an overtlj sexual overtone to general conversation. Instances of this symptom would involve inappropriate sexual comments. Such was the case ot the young Englishman who. upon seeing Queen Elizabeth open Parli- nient, turned au;t and wa- heard to mutter. "No in "OR TAKE THE CASE OF THE YOUNG WOMAN WHO WAS SI SPECTED OF MANIFESTING THE VERBAL COMPENSA- TION SYNDROME. Atter watching a Bruce Jenner W heat ies commercial on tele- vision, she turned to the psychologist and remarked, "I bet he can really handle his i pole. "Alter all, why get all excited about sex, ladies and gentlemen. uh, sir. What's so great about dunging a throbbing love muscle into a honey-dripping, quivering quim? I mean, cum on! Twat's the big deal?" Three mile island budgie hits D a PHOENIX?new media darling ti PHOENIX - The mutant parakeet from the Three Mile Island, Pa. area, flew down to Washington, D.C. Wed- nesday for a weigh-in a the Smithsonian Insti- tute. "Big Boy" as Phoenix has been af- fectionately dubbed by the media, weighed in at just over 1100 pounds. According to Dr. Hans Aves, staff ornithologist with the Smithsonian, Phoenix is "one hell of a big bird Scientists are at odds to explain the gargantuan mutation of Phoenix, but feel that the recent nuclear in- cident at Three Mile Isalnd had something to do with the accelerated growth of the parakeet. A normal parakeet weighs anywhere from one to one and one-half ounce and attains an overall length of five to seven inches. With his hefty 1100 pounds, Phoenix measures tail to beak some 22 feet with a 41 foot wingspan. President Carter's office was on hand to greet the bird, who chirped "Pretty Boy" several times in re- sponse to his reception. Although the admini- stration has expressed concern over Phoenix's condition, there is no alarm for humans, ac- cording to Secretary Califano of HEW. "There's no reason to worry Califano was quoted as saying. "I mean what's the harm, unless you walk under- neath him, heh, heh During his stay i the nation's capital, Phoenix captured the hearts of the city when he play- fully used the Washing- ton Monument as a cuttle bone, and only moments later preened and bathed in the re- flecting pool ot the Lincoln Memorial. "Big Bo"s former owners, Og and Mira Sloop, residents ot the Three Mile Island area, told newsmen last week that Phoenix had just gotten too big tor their lifestyle. "It's depressing to lose him Mrs. Sloop was quoted as saying. "He used to say so many cute things, like 'Hello Phoenix 'Good Boy' and 'De gustibus noil cst disputandum Now he's so big, it's he's America's now. know mean Mr. who was un- chemotherapy, for ju-l like parakeet what 1 Sloop, dergoing was unaxailable i oiiiment. Phoenix is expected !i move to ermont, to he near the gracel quarries. Hi- nearest neighbor will be the noted Rusian exile, au- thor Alesander Solzhen- itsn who commented when informed o! his new neighbor, "Every- thing m America seems bigger Two Jonestown survivors were recently unearthed lOUS d a ?) is - ?ger the utes ers jsi lat. ?er- de- ike ed so- iy eg an all ie ie s L o e ie y is P T ?? m m m mi 0 mr m? ?? ? ' ' ' V ???rv V CRIES AND WHISKERS Don't read this Everybody hates us. The Media Board hates us. The SGA hates us. The students don't care about us. Tom Bluer ignores us. Why don't we get any feedback? Because everybody hates us. Hatred is a funny thing. It cures cancers and paints the sunsets red. It's good for the soul. It's protein for. the Diet of Worms. It's the lifebreath of newspaper operation. Why we are hated? You axe me, I tell you. Too much power. Newspapers shape opinions and the people who would rather shape opinions but don't have a newspaper to shape them with will eventually end up hating the newspapers. If you can follow that, I mean. Also, we're snobs. Like, we always slip intellectual stuff in under the ignorant public's eye. We know you won't get it. Stuff like "necromancer" and "Godot" and "Diet of Worms You ignorant audinece. None of you even bothered to look up "Diet of Worms did you? If you had, you would have won $50. Help. The bitch about newspaper work is that you believe your own opinions after a while. You become a solipsist. I bet you didn't look up solipsist either. And we have a style. This is mostly to baffle you. Like, why are there so many paragraphs in this editorial? That's called journalistic style. For those of you that think the above is just intellectual do-doI refer to the words of The I mortal John Wayne: "I love you Told you not to read this. None of this is funny to me Uppity Women Forum How to pick up guys Last week we talked about how to live with- out men. For those of you who can't simply bear uch an ascetic life, thi column is for sou. The best place to fiick up guys is down- town. Wear something tight and unbutton it to your navel. It you don't have much cleavage, dab on a whole bunch ol musk. W hen you approach a guy in a bar, re- member one thing. No matter how much you hear about Men's Rights these days, most guys still want to be treated like gentlemen, l our average pickup is not interested in equal- ity. He just wnats a little respect. There are a few standard approaches and these seem to work best for me. Stick to some- thing simple by way of an opening line: "Hav- en't I seen you some- where before? or "Hi! Pretty hot in here tonight, hug?" Guys will usually respond to these advances, al-