The Fckhead
APRIL 1,1979
Ricky Low torn in half by SGA
In a delayed reaction to the SGA Review Board
ing last April, SGA Treasureer Ricky Low was
in halt yesterda) by two irate factions of the
legislature.
Fckhead photographer John Growgun was on
the scene and had ttu to say about the incident:
M God, the) tore that poor sucker right in
�
Growgun, who was able to snap the
companying photograph, called the scene "phan-
tasmogoric He said, "I'm grossed out
Mendenhall Mongul Ruddy Alexandeer said,
Nothing like this has ever happened in the
Student Center before
1 in glad we got photos of it. Too bad they're
in color
Earlier, Low had confided in an interview that
flel torn about the election results. "I don't
know it I can take all this tension he said.
SGA President Brett Melvin would not comment
the incident. 'No, 1 don't think I want to say
anything about it right now he said. "I have a lot
of work to do, so why don't you just, uh, jerk off,
okay?"
Former treasurer Zac Smith said that he did not
think the incident was racial in nature. "This is a
very progressive school, and I have never
encouraged any prejudice against blacks here. Look
at the benefits offered to minorities. We even had
our own newspaper for a while
"No Smith continued, "I think the legislators
were mor concerned with Ricky's abilities as a
treasurer. They obviously didn't have much
confidence in him
Chancellor Thomus Bluer said of Low, "He was
a good boyhe never caused any trouble. Knew his
place. I was glad to overturn the Review Board
decision for him
Former Fckhead editor had this to say about
the incident: 'To' Ricky Lo"
Low could not be reached for comment.
Doug White! Important
f
message for you inside!
'sssswsyssssyrssssssrss
Ricky Low�he feel berry, berry bad
'SexuaV Cy Kosis lectures on sex at EZU
A top ECU psy-
Professor Cy
Kosis, lectured recently.
peigh Auditorium on
the to "Recognition
in al Depression in
Libido-dominated Per-
sonalities The lecture,
�i was almost totally
unattended, was billed
be of great impor-
tance to all college-age
persons.
ECl Cancellor
Thomas Brewer, after
introducing Kosis as
"an internationally
recognized wimp and
fraud left the audi-
torium "to get my
Lithium injection before,
well, Mtu know
Thisleft your reporter
sitting alone on the
front row as Dr. Kosis
arranged the flashcards
for his lecture. I moved
hack one or two rows
so a to be incon-
spicuous. The following
portions of the Kosis
lecture have been edited
for ox morons:
'What, then, are the
signs of libidodom-
inated personality?
First, there is the
recognized physical
compensation syndrome
in which the individual
adopts unconscious
physical mannerisms
which, while unnoticed
by the lay persons, will
key the trained psy-
chologist that libido
deprivation is mani-
festing in psycho-motor
affectations.
"In the male, these
physical mannerisms
include 30 or more
push-ups per day, a
fascination with dough-
nuts, and overwrought
ring-toss scores.
"For women, signs
of libidinal frustration
include excessive foot-
figure-eights with the
legs crossed, rubbing
against flag poles and
trees, and eating pop-
sicles.
"Verbally, these
deprived people mani-
fest an overtlj sexual
overtone to general
conversation. Instances
of this symptom would
involve inappropriate
sexual comments. Such
was the case ot the
young Englishman who.
upon seeing Queen
Elizabeth open Parli-
nient, turned au;t and
wa- heard to mutter.
"No in
"OR TAKE THE
CASE OF THE YOUNG
WOMAN WHO WAS
SI SPECTED OF
MANIFESTING THE
VERBAL COMPENSA-
TION SYNDROME.
Atter watching a Bruce
Jenner W heat ies
commercial on tele-
vision, she turned to
the psychologist and
remarked, "I bet he
can really handle his
i
pole.
"Alter all, why get
all excited about sex,
ladies and gentlemen.
uh, sir. What's so great
about dunging a
throbbing love muscle
into a honey-dripping,
quivering quim?
I mean, cum on!
Twat's the big deal?"
Three mile island
budgie hits D
a
PHOENIX�new media darling
ti
PHOENIX - The
mutant parakeet from
the Three Mile Island,
Pa. area, flew down to
Washington, D.C. Wed-
nesday for a weigh-in a
the Smithsonian Insti-
tute. "Big Boy" as
Phoenix has been af-
fectionately dubbed by
the media, weighed in
at just over 1100
pounds. According to
Dr. Hans Aves, staff
ornithologist with the
Smithsonian, Phoenix is
"one hell of a big
bird
Scientists are at
odds to explain the
gargantuan mutation of
Phoenix, but feel that
the recent nuclear in-
cident at Three Mile
Isalnd had something to
do with the accelerated
growth of the parakeet.
A normal parakeet
weighs anywhere from
one to one and one-half
ounce and attains an
overall length of five to
seven inches. With his
hefty 1100 pounds,
Phoenix measures tail to
beak some 22 feet with
a 41 foot wingspan.
President Carter's
office was on hand to
greet the bird, who
chirped "Pretty Boy"
several times in re-
sponse to his reception.
Although the admini-
stration has expressed
concern over Phoenix's
condition, there is no
alarm for humans, ac-
cording to Secretary
Califano of HEW.
"There's no reason
to worry Califano was
quoted as saying. "I
mean what's the harm,
unless you walk under-
neath him, heh, heh
During his stay i the
nation's capital, Phoenix
captured the hearts of
the city when he play-
fully used the Washing-
ton Monument as a
cuttle bone, and only
moments later preened
and bathed in the re-
flecting pool ot the
Lincoln Memorial.
"Big Bo"s former
owners, Og and Mira
Sloop, residents ot the
Three Mile Island area,
told newsmen last week
that Phoenix had just
gotten too big tor their
lifestyle.
"It's depressing to
lose him Mrs. Sloop
was quoted as saying.
"He used to say so
many cute things, like
'Hello Phoenix 'Good
Boy' and 'De gustibus
noil cst disputandum
Now he's so big, it's
he's America's
now. know
mean Mr.
who was un-
chemotherapy,
for
ju-l like
parakeet
what 1
Sloop,
dergoing
was unaxailable
i oiiiment.
Phoenix is expected
!i move to ermont, to
he near the gracel
quarries. Hi- nearest
neighbor will be the
noted Rusian exile, au-
thor Alesander Solzhen-
itsn who commented
when informed o! his
new neighbor, "Every-
thing m America seems
bigger
Two Jonestown survivors were recently unearthed
lOUS
d a
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is -
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the
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jsi
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de-
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ed
so-
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eg
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o
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CRIES AND WHISKERS
Don't read this
Everybody hates us.
The Media Board hates us. The
SGA hates us. The students don't
care about us. Tom Bluer ignores us.
Why don't we get any feedback?
Because everybody hates us.
Hatred is a funny thing. It cures
cancers and paints the sunsets red.
It's good for the soul. It's protein for.
the Diet of Worms. It's the lifebreath
of newspaper operation.
Why we are hated? You axe me, I
tell you.
Too much power.
Newspapers shape opinions and
the people who would rather shape
opinions but don't have a newspaper
to shape them with will eventually
end up hating the newspapers.
If you can follow that, I mean.
Also, we're snobs. Like, we always
slip intellectual stuff in under the
ignorant public's eye. We know you
won't get it. Stuff like "necromancer"
and "Godot" and "Diet of Worms
You ignorant audinece.
None of you even bothered to look
up "Diet of Worms did you?
If you had, you would have won
$50.
Help.
The bitch about newspaper work is
that you believe your own opinions
after a while. You become a solipsist.
I bet you didn't look up solipsist
either.
And we have a style. This is
mostly to baffle you. Like, why are
there so many paragraphs in this
editorial? That's called journalistic
style.
For those of you that think the
above is just intellectual do-doI
refer to the words of The I mortal
John Wayne: "I love you
Told you not to read this.
None of this is funny to me
Uppity Women
Forum
How to pick up guys
Last week we talked
about how to live with-
out men. For those of
you who can't simply
bear uch an ascetic
life, thi column is for
sou.
The best place to
fiick up guys is down-
town. Wear something
tight and unbutton it to
your navel. It you don't
have much cleavage,
dab on a whole bunch
ol musk.
W hen you approach
a guy in a bar, re-
member one thing. No
matter how much you
hear about Men's
Rights these days, most
guys still want to be
treated like gentlemen,
l our average pickup is
not interested in equal-
ity. He just wnats a
little respect.
There are a few
standard approaches and
these seem to work best
for me. Stick to some-
thing simple by way of
an opening line: "Hav-
en't I seen you some-
where before? or "Hi!
Pretty hot in here
tonight, hug?" Guys
will usually respond to
these advances, al-
though you may get a
demure type who simply
drops his eyes, or a
cold fish who simply
gives you an icy stare.
(These types are usually
no fun in bed anyway.
They never can make it.
You spend hours and
hours trying to get
them off what a
drag.)
�
After you get his
talking, be erotic. Look
into his eyes. Wet your
lips alot. Flirt. You
have to remember not
to treat the guy as an
object. He's a person
too � and usually guys
need a little security, a
courtship period � be-
fore they hop into bed
with you. Guys like to
feel wanted as people,
not just sex objects.
Some of the more
blatant openers often
work on a certain type
of guy. Two of my
favorites are: "Hey, you
wanna get laid?" and
"I think I'm getting a
lump in my breast,
right here, feel?"
Don't invite a guy
home with you by
saying "You wanna
come look at my et-
chings?" if you don't
have any etchings.
Likewise, don't ask a
foxy guy home for a
drink if all you have in
the house is 7-up.
When you get him
to bed, be nice about
his body. Many guys
are shy about how thye
look without clothes.
And they're not like us,
remember � go slow,
be gentle. Guys don't
like to rush. Be con-
siderate. Let him get on
top, as least for a few
minutes.
And finally, remem-
ber to always ask:
"Was it good for you
too?" (Even if he was
lousy.)
Rosann Rosanna Dannon
To Fckhead:
In a recent letter,
Mr. Robert Lee Jones
from Fort Myer, NJ
told everybody to eat
unch at the Croatan
Snack Bar. Well, I,
Rosanne Rosanna Dan-
non, stopped in at the
Croatan the other day
and let me tell you, it
was really something!
I was kinda hungry,
so I walked over to
where they have these
sandwiches marked 'hot'
or 'cold' on the menu.
The cold sandwiches
looked alright, except
for the way they pack
'em. You know, they
cut the sandwich
somewhere in New
Jersey and put the
parts side by side in a
cardboard boat and they
look at you through the
wrapper. And you know
those wrappers? They
wrap the sandwiches up
real tight so that the
filling kinds oozes out
of the sides and you
think that you're relaly
getting a lot. And you
know like the chicken
salad or pimento cheese
is kinda smashed up
against the cellophane
like when a kid presses
his nose against a
window pane and his
nose leaves a streak
that dries and crusts
against the glass you
start to scrape it off
with your fingernail
until you realize what it
is? Well, those were
the cold sandwiches.
The hot sandwiches
were these patties of
soy beans and who
knows what, got up to
look like hamburgers
and cheeseburgers.
Somebody cooks 'em
part way and then when
you order one they take
it and put it into a
little overn with a big
light bulb to cook it
some more. And lots of
times, the bulb burns
the cellophane that
these sandwiches are
wrapped in, and the
cellophane gets real
black and crisp and
kinda flakes into the
cheese food that's
bubbling under the light
bulb. And when that
happens, you either got
to separate the wrapper
from the cheese or else
eat the burnt cellophane
and take the chance of
choking like a man I
saw one time who
choked and his face
turned blue and he
started running back-
wards trying to undo
his bow tie and finally
he tripped and fell into
the guacomole. But
anyway, I wasn't all
that hungry, so 1 got
some yogurt and opened
it up, and do you know,
it reminded me of a
time I was at the
grocery store, and I
opened up a bucket of
lard, and it had these
little lard blisters
bubbled up � near the
top, and. . . .
Rosanne Rosanna
Dannon
Sirs:
When Richard asks
for a gum job, should I
use Doublemint or Juicv
Fruit?
Pat Nixon
Encino, CA
Si
irs:
It all started when
they didn't like my idea
about painting the
smoke stack purple &
gold and having music
kinda float up out of
the top, like during
class change and every-
thing.well sir, when I
say they didn't care for
that too much, I said to
myself, Leo, it won't be
long now. And it wasn't
either.
Leo Jenkins
Space 19, KOA
The Beach
sirs:
Lo, Ricky Lo, Lo
Ricky Lo. Lo Lo Ricky
Ricky Lo Ricky Lo, Lo,
Lo. Te Dum.
Doug White
Obscurity
Sirs:
Erratum. On page
361, column 2, line 7 of
Cardiovascular Surgery,
please substitute the
phrse "careful medial
incision" for the phrase
"Toby loved his mo-
ther Thank you.
Harvey Wink, president
Medical and Children's
Books, Inc.
Flatbush
Sirs:
Does anybody out
there have any comic
books to sell? You
know, Marvel, DC, Gold
Key, anything you got.
Mysteries, Illustrated
Classics, Zap Comix.
Anything, anything at
all - I'll take it.
T. Sullivan
3rd Ward
The City
Sirs:
What's the differ-
ence between Idi Amin
and a bucket of shit?
The Enitre Popularion
Uganda
Sirs:
ence
Is there a differ-
F'ckhead
Sirs:
And there was thun-
der, thunder, over
thunder road. Thunder
was his nickname and
white lightnin' was his
load. And there was
moonshine, moonshine
to quench the devil's
thirst. We lawmen
swore we'd get him but
the devil got him first.
Buford T. Pusser
Macho, Tenn.
Sirs:
The recent reports of
my death have been
greatly substantialted.
S.L. Clemens
Hannibal, Mo.
Sirs:
and Gibralter as a
lirl where I was a
Flower of the mountian
yes when I put the rose
in my hair like the
Andalusian girls used or
shall I wear a red yes
and how he kissed me
under the Moorish wal
and I though well as
well him as another and
them I asked him with
my eyes to ask again
yes and then he asked
� me would I yes to say
yes my mountain flower
and first I put my arms
around him yes and
drew him down to me
so he could feel my
breasts all perfume yes
and his heart was going
like mad and yes I said
yes 1 will Yes.
James Joyce
Trieste-Zurich- Paris
1914-1921
!
Sirs:
So like, you know.
These gus were stand-
ing around knocking
ECU as a party school,
like. And I told them
that they did not know
hwat of they spoke and
bought them a drink. I
mean, they were casting
aspirations on out
school, running it down
as a party school, 1
mean, uh, a party
school. The 'ludes had
kicked in by the time
this dud broke out his
stash. The, uh, fellas
were talking about
schools, you know, and
they said ECU was a
party school. Can yon
believe it? So I told
them that ECU was a
great place for higher
education. "Higher"
education, get it?
Frow
842 Tler
Sirs:
Hearing that there
had been a Mercury
spill in the Cape Fear
Rier, I thought I'd go
doen and try to fish it
out, seeing how my '47
Merc is about done it. I
went down there and
spent a lew das muck-
ing around in the ner
and you know, all 1
found was a bunch oi
fuckin' chemicals and
some dead fish!
Ralph Nad.r
Washington, DC.
Sirs:
Filthy swine' Rebels
against the Holy Law!
Eaters of dog flesh!
Criminals against God
and his government on
Earth! Devils! Your ass
is grass.
In God's Name,
Ayatollah Khomeni
Sirs:
The bucket.
Milton Berle
Grossinger's
New York
r-
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f I t I
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TREADS
Woody Allen Wonder
Is God at Lunch?
speWod, ail has �na lost h.s so (o
filn1n!aU��dr,if r f���l. of
compreheii�n �Tf " " is beond m
see) he h ' 7 h ��� (which I refused to
��tu ,m;a dr �"� � ��"�
dW�It ' � al l"�iial and rational
m this modem times is stimulating and
same
Hi
love u'rban T r, " ' ab�Ut Pe�P,e who
urban squalor. Perhaps, this is a reason for the
Rim being ,� black and white and not in color
I doubt it.
seehe.TTt tlU deSPODdency Central Park is
seen better this wav.
Mas lie.
I think black and white was used because of Mr
bouaU ffareleSSnesf f Producer. (He probably
bought the wrong kind of film at the drugstoreIf
not tor that reason, h was probably meant to be a
low budget film anyway.
Another cheap aspect of Manshaton is the music
pore Gosh Gerscwin couldn't keep a beat, and
nes dead too. Obviously, Mr. Allen couldn't afford
more contemporary musicians like the Bee Gee's or
Elvis Costello.
Well, I guess the average schmoe will like this
picture, but I don't. Do we the public have to
succumb to the capitalist alter ego's of artists today
like Woody Allen, bu paying to see slop they call
their "latest achievement?"
This brings up another important point. Does
Mr. Allen think he can fool us by putting in a
stand-in to act his part? Yes, stand-in, that's what I
said. Even Mr. Allen didn't have the guts to appear
in Manshaton because the script was painfully
embarrassing. Instead he had some schumck named
Peter "Ligneous" Makuck ape Mr. Allen's idiotic
gestures which he thinks is acting.
As for the rest of the cast, they are all Jews, or
act like Jews.
Woody Allen is really another Hitler and this
him is his concentration camp where he coninues to
assault and murder the character of successful
Jewish people who love America.
I say enough is enough.
I am writing this paragraph because I don't want
anyone to realize that I don't know what I'm talking
about. I just write for the money. The more column
inches the more money I get. I don't want you to
think that I have no regard for quality content'
just hangin'around
The Daze of Our Lives
Due to the inordinate number of postcard that
keep flowing in, the many phone calls we have
received, and an awe-inspiring faith in the support
of the silent majority, F'ckhead has decided to
reinstate its once weekly service to those daytime
drama �Mwt� �-hn n0�'c farp jt, are most 0f us;
3:00
Channel 5 Search for the Moral: Judith accuses
Biff of seeing his ex-wife after their Holiday Inn
rendezvous. Holly finds that her affair with the
kitchen flourescent light fixture is in danger of
being revealed. (60 min.)
reveals to John that despite her seventeen previous
unsuccessful marriages, she has never accepted a
ring from a man, or dated, or anything. (60 min.)
Channel 3 The Daze of Our Lives: Angela frightens
another dog in her consuming search for sexual
fulfillment after her masectomy. (30 min.)
Channel 18 The Young and the Ruthless: Rebecca
2:30
Channel 3 As the Worm Turns: Lew accuses
Timothy of actually being himself. Beth tells Roger
that Shelly's baby is really er clone, hints at the
fact that he may be her clone, too. (57 minutes
longer thatn the pilot.)
3:00
Channel 15 Another Life to Live: Cathy discovers
another wall outlet in Linda's bedroom. June hu-�
out all over. (30 min.)
Are You Bored of Education
Do you want to
sound as erudite as you'
are? Do you want to
make sure that the
world knows that you
have a bona-fide college
education, that you are
an intellectual? Well
here are twenty ways
you can make sure that
you have that "Ivey
League Personality
(1) Whenever any-
one asks your opinion
of Foreigh Affairs re-
spond by saying,
"Well, it reminds me ot
eh situation in the
Crimean in the 1790's
and then continue
to say anything that
comes to mind. Chances
are the person you're
talking to knows ab-
solutely nothing about
the situation in the
Crimean in the 1790's.
(2) While talking
casually at a party
occassionally interject
Latin, French or Ger-
man phrases into your
onversation. (Note:
Spanish is generally-
considered a low-rent
language.) It will be
especially striking to
.your friends if your
� foreign" phrases are
quotations from the
classics. For example, if
someone were to say to
you, "Take your snobby
attitude and cram it
You might, with perfect
sangfroid, respond, "As
the blind poet said, 'De
gustibus non disputan-
dum est
(3( Let it be known
that you prefer classical
music, especially string
quartets, but that oc-
casionally mention the
names: Dietrich Bux-
etehude, Crl Maria von
Weber, Claude Maria
von Weber, Cluade De-
bussy andor Henrich
Heinsdorstoppenburger
just to prove that you
know how to pronounce
their names.
(4) Sprinkle your
speech with Britishisms.
(5( Use the word
"indubitably" alot.
(6) Pretend to have
trouble understanding
and dealing with men-
ials like service station
attendants, university
administration and other
primitive working-class
types.
(7) During the Fall
wear vests and tweed
jackets and carry around
a copy of the James
Joyce Pocket Reader
"for your unoccupied
moments
(8) Write long
letters to your friends
in which you describe
the "existential mal-
aise" you feel, and how
you think it is the spirit
of the times.
(9) never be am-
used by Polack jokes
and say that you prefer
dryer humor.
(10) Never say you
don't know something,
say your research has
been insufficient as yet
to allow a statement.
(11) If you have
been published some-
where, arrange with a
confederate for him to
bring it up in a group
conversation.
(12) Act humble
about hour undeniable
intellectual gifts.
(13) Send Christmas
Cards bought at the
National Gallery or
some other gallery.
(14) Never admit to
watching situation com-
edies on television.
(15) Whenever any-
one asks you what
you've been doing, say
you've been reading
Marx. (Note: Hegel will
dom though, and if you
mention him be sure to
mumble something a-
bout a posteriori and a
priori.
(16) If you must
hum (a definitely blue
collar trait) be sure to
hum some recognizable
pieces of "greu" mu-
sic, like the Ode to Jov
or something like that.
W histlin i- not per-
mitted since it is de-
classe.
(1') Claim to like
"conceptual" art.
(18) Be interested
in non-Euclidean geo-
metrv.
(19) Never .as
"what?" sav "1 beg
your pardon?"
(20) Develop a wan
aesthetic facial expes-
sion and wear it at all
times, even at the
laundramal and in the
shower.
Mimi
Duke Beats Death
The duke, wearing a
blue silk suit and cow-
boy boots, stepped from
his coffin made of
horseshoes and .automa-
tic weapons declaring
that he, Jftn'v)w'ayner
was not reaqjjfcto dje.
Looking n'tif a "bit
sallow, he went im-
mediately from Grau-
man's mortuary where
he had been lying in
state for nine days, to,
as he put it "Shit
shower and shave be-
fore beginning work on
his latest movie, Leo, a
musical chonicling the
reincarnation of Leonid
Bresnev.
Docotrs at the
U.C.L.A. medical cen-
ters announced that Mr.
Wayne had agreed to
gie pet talks to ail the
terminal or recently de-
ceased patients in his
old ward.
"Hell, said the
duke, pulling the safetv
pins from inside his
cheeks, 'Tve gotten up
Irom being dead faster
than this lots of times
Me
Oral Sex Sux
Alone!
Ann Arbor, MI (AP( �
Pending the publication
of the results of his two
year study. Dr. T.
Menthol announced that
Oral Sex has been
found to cause cancer
in laboratory mice.
Commenting on his two
years of experiments he
noted:
"The hardest part was
getting the little beg-
gars to do it. We would
have to take them oat
to dinner two, three ties
"d evea then they
were likely not to swal-
low
The Dr. noted in his
summation .that there
had been no link found,
however, between rat
color and oral porpen-
sity.
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Support
your local
erection men
jlee
Is this what your
I breath smells
I like?
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f you don't
brush your
teeth,
this could
happen to
you.
How would you like to
have to be stuck talking
to someone whose breath smells yucky?
Do your part
Stamp out smelly mouth
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This ad is a public service advertisement
�
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Robert Swaim,
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F � ckhead
ion Tshirt.
Just in time few summer, the shirt with
an an iron-on with your favorite F ck head
personalitite � to show your true colors.
Eat your heart out, John Travolta.
�
F ckhead Ad Manager
Just what you
always wanted
wheat bread, a slice of provolone, "
j salami, mustard, and pickles. 77
4. Melt with hot iron.
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5. Eat sandwich. Wear shirt.
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Tear out at dotted lines
2. Lay face down on shirt.
3. Add two pieces of whole
tXXXX
Hey! These days it takes something really special for a man to get it on. A man wants to smell like a manman.
with new Ditto DITTO CLONE SPRAT
No fancy perfumes or spicesjust more of the same -you!
So remember fellas, when she says she can't get enoughCLONE SPRAY
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