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2012

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EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY GREENVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA LAMPOON Fountainblah Serving it up to the ECU group for quite awhile VOL. 51, NO. 47 1 APRIL 1976 Everthing in this issue is a lie and you should not believe a word of it - if you don't want to! mmm m mm mmm mm m i ik N. C. voters say 'yes' to Lee 0. Jenkins N.C. is in good hands now that I'm in charge according to newly elected Gov. tee 0. Jenkins at the recent swearing in ceremonies in Raleigh. Jenkins won a landslide victory when all the remaining candidates dropped out of the race from lack of interest. Jenkins' closest opponent, Vino Delopisio, withdrew from the ballot when it was learned his family deli business was in trouble . "My best short order cook quit and left us in a tight spot said Delopisio. "I had to set priorities. The deli meant more than running for governor. Jenkins new plan for improving N.C. was announced at his inauguration. 'The first thing I'll do as governor will be to bring my Greenville associates from ECU to the state capital to help run the state said Jenkins. These capable people helped me run ECU and will be of great assistance to me at the state level FOUNTAINBLAH has learned that ECU Director of Security will become the new State Attorney. Joe Balder, presently the ECU Security Director, said his new position will afford him the opportunity to get people he could not touch as head of the campus police. According to sources in the police department the list of people Balder wants to get include: Sam Ervin (Richard Nixon was Balder's boyhood idol); Greenville Police Chief E. G. Gunnem (Gunnem was too soft with the student Halloween rioters- none were shot): and FOUNTAINBLAH Editor Mike Taylor (Taylor is the prime suspect in a severe outbreak of ulcers among his staff members). Jenkins believes he can best serve N.C by threatening to run for President every time his programs don't pass the legislature. "Do you think that the people of N.C. want someone like myself representing the state at the national level, well, you bet your ass they don't said Jenkins. "This way I'm assured success here in N.C "This state is in sad enough shape and I can't do any more harm said Jenkins. "My first plan as governor will be to make sure that every high school has a Med School. "This will insure N.C. will not be asspiiing politico must shining sleek cheeks of Ms constituents. When it comes to winning votes at rallies, Lee O. Jenkins has ail his supporter, athletic and otherwise, getting the governors brown-nosed- attention. short of doctors and will also give every Jenkins, reflecting on his new local paper throughout the state some important role, said that he owes it all to issue to beat into the ground his "good looks and grasp of the issues Chiseler, Dorkton indicted for hanky panky Larry Chiseler, Student Government Association treasurer, and Dr. Jack Dorkton, SGA financial advisor, were indicted last Friday morning on charges of attempting to defraud the SGA of more than $100,000. A Grand Jury consisting of eight black women and a Jew handed down the indictment in Federal District Court in New Bern. A dead-or-alive warrant was immediately issued for the couple, last seen entering the local office of the Eastern Gay Alliance. SGA President Jimmy Hunneycatt expressed shock upon hearing of the allegations. "I never ever doubted that Larry was an honest boy Honeycatt cried, "but I always wondered why he and Dorkton Fountainblah eye sore of the week EYE SORE OF THE WEFK-RonaW Rag-on, national leader of The Kennel Enemas TKE, is shown congratulating the elite "500" club. This club is composed of TKE members who true to TKE by-laws, saved 500 canines from severe abdominal gi s by administering them err mas Members of the "500 club were each presented wifh the coveted "Golden Bag Some of the breeds saved by the TKPs this year in the Greenville area from that deadly disaster - gas - were the Chi Omaggots and the Trl Pigs. mmm � inpim- mi i m mmnmm were always complimenting each others figures Greenville Police Chief Glen Gunnem said he had 200 riot equipped National Guardsmen and local peace officers on the lookout for the duo at Happy Hour last Friday. "We were unable to smoke out the suspects that afternoon, but I assure you we'll stick to our guns in this search Gunnem barfed. The indictment charges the two with conspiracy to defraud the SGA treasury of more than 75 per cent of their available funds last December. Sources within the investigation believe that because Chiseler got cold feet in late December the couple's plan to abscond to Costa Rica with the stolen funds was called off. Chiseler's budget report to the Legislature in January accounted for the missing $100,000. His offical excuse to the legislators for losing the money was "total incompetence on my part " "I might be dumb for making tne error, but FOUNTAINBLAH is a complete ass for thinking I'm an idiot Chiseler squealed to Speaker Atany Price shortly before the January session. Price, during that session,repeatedly ruled "out of order" a bill sponsored by Mag Wheels, chairman of the Appropria- tions Committee, that called for a Math Lab Tutor to teach Chiseler how to count to ten After that stormy January session, Wheels confessed to FOUNTAINBLAH that he has not pressed the issue because Chiseler was threatening to pledge Sigma Nu Fraternity. Newly elected btiA Kresiuem mil Sullivan, who was finally found sucking on a chocolate filled donut in Krispy Kreme at 3:00 a.m. Tuesday, nad only one comment on the indictment: "Larry and Jack are okay fellows. just wish that they would take crime (and each other) more seriously mmmmmmmmmmmmwmmmm I 2 F0UNTAIN8LAHV0L. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976 iiw m ii i mo �w�n�i � EditortalsCommenlary MM �MMMNMMMI � � !���� �� WHfc 3 mmm KUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976 mmmm m mm orum Jenkins endorsed Dear Editor: I would like to endorse the nicest, greatest, best guy I know fon governor. No, not smiling Jimmy Hunt-none other than our own Leo Jenkins. I can say without bias or any other consideration beyond my love of government that this man will truly do the best for our state. I mean, it would be the first time that the state would have a governor with a genuine Jersey accent, which would definitely be an improvement over the past governors who could do the "Shake and Bake" commercials on TV. Sincerely, Mrs. Leo Jenkins Basketball note Dear Editor: Sorry to read about the demise of the ECU basketball team this past year Just when things were going so great then all of a sudden things are not going so great Tom Quinn UNC drops ECU Dear Editor: Please tell Leo for me that we are dropping your "team" from our schedule for the next 50 years. Nothing personal now, just the fact that we want to upgrade our schedule some and don't think we can do it with teams like yours. I mean, a team that loses to Appalachian has no business on our schedule. Thanks, Bill Dooley Election comment Dear Editor: l nave only one comment on the recent elections OH FART. Brandon Tise �ea&sJ EQUAL TIME: After making fun of a lot of other people around campus, it is only fair that the paper take at least one shot at itself. So, the above cartoon is printed in the name of fair play, and little else. The cartoon was discovered slipped under the Fountainhead office door early in the �chool year. A fingerprint examination revealed that the cartoon came from Mendenhall. second We But, the exact author is unknown although the paper has several good guesses who might have penned such a total unlikeness of the paper's revered editor. So much for fair play. Chancellor has comments for president Dear Editor: Concerning the election of one Tim Sullivan, I would like to make a few comments. I read with interest Mr. Sullivan's campaign material and to be honest it scared the hell out of me. I mean, who does this student think he is, the rebirth of George Wallace. I could not believe all those promises -stuff like cutting student salaries, sounds like what Wallace was saying. And then this thing about putting students first. Let me tell you, I am all for that, as long as there is nothing else important to put first like state government, local government, the interest of the big businessmen, my own political ambitions. I mean Tim, we have to keep things in their proper perspective. You can't change everything. I have already done it. I hope you will drop by whim 1 mtmmmmmmmm mm my office so we can get a few things straight To begin with, I don't want you making any waves this year. I mean it is an election year and some people around here have aspiration for higher office. Not me mind you, but some do And listen, we don't want to make waves cause it will get us bad PR. and, that is all those people in Charlotte want, sometning to hold against us. The first riot we have on campus they will try and take my med school back And, rest assured Tim, I will let nothing stand in the way of my med school, nothing, not even a pay raise for state teachers Like I said, please come by to see Tie. I have an offer you can't refuse, like maybe a special parking place of your own. and an office and everything. Please don't think this is a bribe Let's just call it a friendly gesture among friends, or something like that Looking forward to our first confrontation. I mean meeting Sincerely, Leo J. Primary results shock NC Governor Dear Editor: I would like to take this opportunity to express my great shame of the GOP voters in this state. I mean, what the hell are you people trying to do, ruin my chances of a big win in Washington as one of those pointy-headed bureaucrats George Wallace is always talking about. � imiiiMinjumnj ,� i n � in i That is just what you did last week when you gave Ronnie Reagan more votes than Jerry Ford. I simply can't believe that my own state stabbed me in the employment back. Just when Jerry says I might be VP, or even a high official in his next kingdom, then you people turn around and don't even give old Jerry more votes than Ronnie. �jiuiiii 1 iniiuium "n�piieiim Well, I hope you people are satisfied I might as well go back to Boone and start my law practice up again. I had counted on DC. in the Springtime, now I have to settle for Boone in the winter which is cold as you know what Sincerely, Jinmy Holshouser 1 EJpjgjgj ����������� 4 FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976 w0mm0m mmtm Famed shrink says death stunts growth By ANNABEL LEE PUTZY Staff Concubine In keeping with the national mood of patriotism, true blue EZU's yahxi chancellor, Leo O. Jenkins has announced bicentennial resolutions for the "Great School of the East 1. Each morning, at 7:76, there will be mandatory nail meeting in all dorms. During these hall meetings, the Pledge of Allegiance will be recited, a recording of Kate Smith's rendition of "God Bless America" will be played full-blast, and each student will be required, in turn, to deliver a 500-word essay, "What Pinetops Means to Me (Jenkins said anyone failing to participate will become part of ?Hp weekly camDus bonfire rally.) 2. All students will be encouraged to bring back to life those tnings that maae America What it is today. (Examples: go on Welfare, not, commit high treason, break into the Pitt County International Democratic Headquarters, or move to Canada.) 3. In a sentimental look at EZU's illustrious past, there will be a week celebrated when the campus will be as it was 50 years ago. The UNC Board of Governors is presently accepting bids for the job of demolishing Brewster, Speight, Minges, all the women's dorms, and so forth and so on. Students are packing up in preparation for their trip home, while muttering "Does this mean I can get out of my dorm contract?" 4. Preceding "campus week "Joisey week" will be celebrated. At that time, all students from New Jersey will be given tenure as professors in the department of their choice. Preparations for this event have been delegated by Jenkins to his college roommate, Giovanni "Bugsy" Ravioli, a "business executive from Passaic, New Jersey. 5. While reenactments of the Battle of Bunker Hill and the Boston Tea Party take place in New England, EZU's most famous revolution will also be given an instant replay. The reenactments of the first and second annual Halloween riots have gained such notoriety that ABC has purchased exclusive television rights, and Howard Cosell has volunteered to play both a policeman and 500 students. 6. The drama department has hired Neil Simon, William Wyler, and a newcomer named Bill Shakespeare to collaborate with students on a Bicentennial pageant entitled "Red, White, and Blue OR: Communists, Bigots, and Dead Babies. 7. SGA President, Tim Sullivan will deliver a speech on the mall, entitled, "I Love the Fountainhead, and all that it stands for" rs ducjifcy strikes -Traiternisj intellect ARE YOU A TURTLE? By ERNEST HEMINGWAY Creature Writer Margaret, a registered nurse at General County Hosptial, has been married to Tom for over twenty years, and they have a daughter, Sandy, who is a sophomore at General County University. Margaret, who has begun to find a young surgeon on the staff attractive, is unaware that her husband, who is a lawyer, is having an affair with his secretary, Jennifer, who is married to a policeman. Sandy (the daughter) is engaged to Bob, a veterinian, who is dating the sister of the doctor whom Sandy's mother finds attractive. However, Sandy has met Brad, a guy at college who is really not a student; he is a secret agent from U.S. Government Official (?) Chow and Dope Administration, and finds herself falling in love with him. Confused, she begins taking tranquilizers to help calm her nerves. Meanwhile, Jennifer (the secretary) discovers that she is pregnant. Since her husband, Steve, is sterile, she knows that the father of her baby is Tom. BUT, unknown to her, Tom has had a vasectomy. (Well, miracles do happen) So, when she tells Tom, he wants her to have an abortion, and, being a good lawyer (which does come in handy, by the way) wins the argument and arranges the abortion. In the meantime, Sandy has advanced into dope and is arrested by Brad for possession of marijuana. Margaret, her mother, almost collapses. Although Tom is concerned, he is more concerned with more important things (arranging the abortion at the hospital so his wife won't find out). Margaret, getting no emotional support from her husband, turns to Carl, the doctor. When Jennifer goes for the abortion, Tom goes with her. The surgeon is Carl, and the surgical nurse is a girl named Cathy. However, at the last minute, nthy becomes sick and Margaret is assiqned to take her place. After the abortion is over, which left Jennifer very weak, Margaret sees Tom leaning over her stretcher, screams, and has a nervous breakdown. Tom has a heart attack, and Jennifer continues to become weaker. Sandy, who escaped from jail, was run over by a car, and was rushed to the hospital. In the midst of all the confusion, Steve walks in and (continued on page 13). Shirley Temple sie jap Biq �I JO urei oi e sc JOJ JOOl aujo e 6i ll-oq- uo jnoqi gojev e aq SIU, jeye Aooa U9)S! ION snonj poo6 pajejr HEAD'S PHARMACY For all your drug neods � OUR PRESCRIPTIONS ARE SO POWERFUL fuU HAVE TO RE IN PERFECT HEALTH TO TAKE THEM. HEALTH TIP OF THE WEEK: "THE BEST WIT TO AVOID CATCHING COLDS IS TO STOP DRINKING 00T OF DAMP GLASSES . � m AUNT MARTHA'S TRADING POST W& m fc We buy used furniture and junk 5x We sell rare antiques MMVWMWvWA' Located (this week) at Intersection of highways 302 & 14 in Bareass, N.C. (AVMANV1S39NOIllSOdZ 0N3H13MSWDHPOinS) Z ON 38 AVIAI3M U3CIUVH AU� 3M II UOd S10HS 9NIW13d,A3H� 'AddOMLNOaina - 9NIH�AU3A3 3AVHS"1UIDanO ,AnaNVOA3NOIAI�Siai9�S3Nld3H13Sri3M U0iuljnb ujapoK 3ianivAVS3�vudnouo Avao�siAviAinvo �Aijeiuef ejdey tooi f C1 IQ3UUVW MNHOH� A3NO SS31S3H ,wayvH ahi3m� pies aq u's6!S Bddej waqj uBqj jajjaq qonw :s Auj u auo jaqwnu ajB s.nN buj6!S aqj dub 'Aoq aoiu Ajq6iuj b s Aluoiji aouanrju! BOi)!Od s4uBAins uiii juapisajd VOS J� jsaj siq oj anp a6uBqo aqj papuawwooaj aq iBqj suoijBBenB paiuap Abpuj ajaqj umop sAoq uiuup-jaeq ao waqj Aq uMoqs uoqeoipep auij aqj jo unsaj e sb atuBO atuBu sjooqos auiAuaeJO aqj a6uBqo oj uoispap aqj pure Aepuj iubhhm AjjSjaAiunN euu6!S ' I. 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FARQUAI Staff Mongoloid Mole CAPRICORN: April will be a very fetal month for the dynamic Capricornian, with bananas coming through the mail, and a 500-mile unicycle trip for leisure. Watch out for Salvation Army uniforms and cenent blocks. AQUARIUS: Those born under the water sign will spend April in the shower. A visit from mother could mean hubcaps and fire hydrants. Beware of Polish sailors on the 25th, and avoid submarines at all times. PISCES: Pisceans show their slimy nature in April, when a bag of Grade-A Cow Manure proves to be of lasting impact. Be on the lookout for a letter on the third. It will probably be "C "H or "P Try not to eat fish stew with Shriners. ARIES: Love strikes tender Aries in April, in the form of a large, but lovable piece of granite. Roll with the punches, and everything will be orange pekoe by the end of the month. TAURUS: Zwieback crumbs on your Castro Convertible will mean a cancellation of your subscription to HUMPTY DUMPTY. Avoid midgets who sing songs about typewriter ribbons. GEMINI: A slow boat to China will be your cup of tea as long as you remember what your brother-in-law said about Jack Nicholson movies. You will form a lasting relationship with a neutered beagle you meet at a used car lot. CANCER: Surfboards are not a good place for tender moments, as impetuous Cancer finds out on April 32. DO NOT buy any Asian ferns from a persistent pretzel vender at the Carolina Cowboy Saloon. LEO: Everything about Leo is styled after the king of the jungle, especially his breath and bathing habits. April will be a superb month for Leo, and the highlight will be an all-expense paid visit to March 13, 1879. VIRGO: Is it true what they say about vestal Virgo? A 240 lb. gorilla will sit on you on the 7th, leaving you with a stiff neck and a pug nose, and a gorilla who'll follow you anywhere. LIBRA: Your lifetime dream of making a career playing with your toes will come true this month. Opportunity will knock in the form of a persimmon franchise. SCORPIO: April is a venereal month for effervescent Scorpio. You'll be busy as a bee once the National Guard gets to town, but social Scorpio will entertain the troops royally. SAGITTARIUS: Life is one big orifice for the sprightly Sagittarian, and this is especially true in April, when that big surprise comes from South of the Border. One warning, though. Be prepared for eyelashes in your pudding, and toenails on your ears. mm 9Z6L IWdV Via ON '19 "IOAHV18NIVlNnOd J mmm mm mmm mi mwmtm an 6 FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. MtMMmmn 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976 mmmm mmmm m wm �M mm mm Infamous flasher caught with pants down SARGANT SHRIVER, now retired from the quest for the Democratic nomination is siown hj his new hobby, tap dancing. Seen with loving supporters in the background wife, far right, son, far left, Shriver is seen delivering his oft-quoted speech relating detente with "Bojangles" Robinson. One look from Shrivers son on far left tells the entire story. THE INFAMOUS WAHL-COATES flasher was caught early yesterday morning while compromising a willing seven year old girl. Answering a question about how he had been able to evade capture for so long, he replied, "I just have one of those faces which blends into crowds easily THE NEW MANAGER of Elbo Room was new manager said he thought he would "new look" projected for the dub. saying, "I like young girls named last week. L. Biff Najursky, the get along well with his staff and the "Besides Najursky was quoted as CAMPUS CARSALES WOULDYOU BUYA USED CAR FROM THIS MAIM? WELL, DROP ON BY ANYWAY! 'IF IT CAN BE TOWED, WE'LL SELL IT Bi Tr towir Wedr ass i si "I Wedn tow Stude Leo's "I Push the ht "Pi pound told rr Spring havinj impou It v that Be T The interse ECU st SGA ra one EC the yea Acc ECU m direct student: obvious pedestri racing f trailers SG wmmm m m0 �p mm The S Saturday Scott Dor be no cla "There Mondays stated an remain an students classes or recuperate The S( for the bi opposition was finall force to Jenkins, colleagues have been and Greenv to prevent i Before was used passed, Jer need to hav workday is be added there will bi With pov Legislature, students sc "Halloween raids with Campus Pol mmmmm mmtm m mmm m FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1978 i�mimn 7 Buildings being towed 'Don 'tpush me' Balder starts towing frenzy The ECU Campus Security was caught towing some buildings on campus Wednesday morning by C.G. Bore, assistant to the assistant's assistant. "I came to work at around 9 a.m. Wednesday and saw ten of tr)e biggest tow trucks attached to Mendenhall Student Center, Clement Dorm and Uncle Leo's small mansion said Bore. ul immediately called Joe "You Can't Push Me Around" Balder and asked what the hell was going on. "Push Me" Balder replied with a five pound package of parking tickets and told me if they weren't paid by the end of Spring Quarter then I was in jeopardy of having the rest of the campus impounded It was found through the investigation that Balder, Doc, and the rest of the pigs at the old laundrymat had felt that the three buildings being towed were constructed in the wrong places and that they should be moved to accommodate staff parking facilities. "It has been our strict towing policy on campus that has kept this place from going to those damned students, and you better believe that I would rather see the pinkos take over instead of those students quipped Balder. Besides if it wasn't for the towing policy I couldn't afford to live in Greenville with my slight salary Those towing people keep me in business with the cutbacks I get from them, especially Dung Body Shop, that is my favorite one. Mr. Dung is always willing to drop his load and come to the campus to tow a few cars. I don't get much out of the towing except a few lost rocks watching a car ride off into the sunset behind a tow truck, and oh yea, I also get about 10 bills for my cooperation with the towers association According to Bore, he decided to let the two trucks have the two buildings but used his better judgement in stopping the towing of Uncle Leo's small mansion. "I felt that the university could afford to let two little buildings like Mendenhall and Clement go. "Hell all Mendenhall does is collect student money that is spent on students and Clement accommodates a few scabies every once in a while. According to Balder, his towing policy keeps the students on their toes because they never know what is going next. "We believe in fairness here at Campus Security and we can't let the students think they are safe anywhere on campus added Balder. Bore was able to save the two campus buildings and Uncle Leo had called his friend Chief Gunnon to stop those rubber ducks from taking his house. It is rumored that Bore will propose in the next Board of Mistrustees meeting that student cars be banned on campus, and that student fees be increased for the construction of a new parking garage to be used exclusively by the faculty and staff. Balder commented on the rumor and expressed grave concern over Bore's actions. "You still can't push me around, I'm a retired marine, but I will be damned if I am going to let Bore end student parking. Those tow trucks keep me and my family in business, plus they were able to pay for my $1,000 lawn last year without the slightest dent in my checking account. Tenth St. overpass to reroute traffic over students The Tenth Street, College Hill Dr. intersection claimed the lives of three ECU students, two stray dogs and one SGA rat last week in what was termed by one ECU official as the student event of the year. According to Hereicum Stiffsanall, ECU mortician, the intersection is the direct reason for the loss of these students and their rats. "It is very obvious how the mishaps occurred, the pedestrians simply did not yield to the two racing Macks with fullv loaded 45 foot trailers. SGA votes against classes The SGA Legislature passed a bill Saturday night at the Sigma Nu Suite in Scott Dorm which states that there will be no classes held on Mondays. "There is no use in having classes on Mondays because no one goes to them stated an SGA officer who wishes to remain anonymous. "After the weekend, students were unable to make it to their classes on Mondays. They need time to recuperate The SGA Legislature fought bitterly for the bill to be passed. With much opposition from university officials, it was finally necessary to use physical force to have the bill passed. Leo Jenkins, Chancellor, several of his colleagues and even several legislators have been hospitalized. Campus Police and Greenville City Police were on hand to prevent a riot from breaking out. Before the necessary physical force was used in order to have the bill passed, Jenkins stated, "Students do not need to have a prolonged weekend. If one workday is taken from the workweek to be added to the weekend, eventually there will be no workweek With power increasing within the SGA Legislature, there is a possibility that students someday may have an annual "Halloween Riot" and possibly panty raids with no interference from the Campus Police m "The remains of the students were carefully scraped off of the intersection, and the two strays were cast into the gutter. The SGA rat was left as a sacrifice to any turkey vultures that happened to wander by said Stiffsanall. Stiffsanall feels the only way to stop the pedestrian suicide at the intersection is to build an overpass for the traffic to go over the crossing. According to Stiffsanall, this proposal would accomplish two goals; the first to re-route the traffic, and secondly to get more money from the students at ECU. The administrative end of ECU was rather pleased with the recent accidents because they received the full tuition from the students and since it is early in the quarter they can spend that money any way they deem necessary without having to provide something for those students. The deceased students were fined by the ECU Traffic Department for failure to yield right of way to moving vehicles and will not be allowed to graduate until the fines are paid. The truckers have reportedly filed suit in Pitt County District Court for damages received during the accident. The two truckers are seeking $50,000 a piece for the destruction of their wind screens and for the removal of flesh from the radiator grill. The truckers have planned to hold a convoy through the ECU campus if the courts do not pay off. and will refuse to ship beer into the city. According to SGA President. Jimmy Honeycutt, those truckers sure do have us by the testicles, especially all the frat rats if they can't get any beer. I The SGA Condom Take it from Hunneycatt, It's like being screwed by a 1000 legislators.9 . '���& For the man who has BIG political ambitions. 5fC will stretch further than the SGA budget. jfc can take more abuse than an SGA president. m m 8 FOUNTAJNBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976 MiWi � mmm ENTERTAINMENT Interview with Russell Bertrum By NORMAN MAILER Visiting EZU on April first along with a host of other notables, will be world famous playboy, alleged philosopher, a renowned plagiarist Russel Bertrum. Dr. Bertrum claims to have graduated from Harvard but swears Harvard is in Europe. He did his dissertation on some obscure principle of Physics which he calls inertia. It was later discovered that Issac Newton had done similar work in the past, hence Bertrum's reputation for plagiarism. FOUNTAINBLAH, in an exclusive interview with Bertrum became hopeless- ly confused. This reporter can do no more than leave judgement of the worth of ideas Bertrum claims to be his own to you, the reader. FOUNTAINBLAH Many people do not agree with your attitude toward plagiarism. They charge you with what they call "serious crimes Bertrum: That is much ado about nothing. It happens every twelfth night. I expect charges like that from a hamlet the size of Greenville. F: Charges like that don't worry you? B: What, me worry? You see, in this Shell I have no need to cross the Gulf of compromise into the Richfield of Mobile, American thinking. I am standing Humble, my Chevron flashing brightly across this sub-Standard University. F: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. Did you say something about gas stations? B: No, we were talking about plagiarism. You see, the quality of plagiarism is not feigned. It falleth like the gentle rain fmm heaven, and is easier to research. F: Now I am confused. B: Weil, that is pretty confusing so far. But if you think you are confused now you haven't seen nothing yet, and you may not, unless you stick around for tonight's lecture. MISS ANNA PRUDEHOMME WATSON retired Monday from her position as dorm administrator which she had held in Cotten Dorm for the past 36 years. Seen in this picture taken on her birthday last January, Miss Watson claimed to have dedicated her life to helping young coeds and collecting blund objects. The two were not related she claimed. Asked about her future plans, she said that she plans to run a home for wayward dwarves in Kansas. m in � � � m0mm0mmm0m0mmmninmMitm j n m F: Anyway, people call you a playboy. What are your views on this image? B: My view on playboy's? I'm for 'em. F: Hah, hah. That is clever. B: I'm very sensitive, don't laugh at me. F: If you don't want me to laugh, why do you tell me these tales? B: Ask not for whom I tell tales. I tell for thee. F: This conversation is going down hill. If you want to plagiarise, why not plagiarise good ideas instead of these mediocre ones I have heard today. Come to think of it, all I've really heard are bad puns. B: I may be punny, but all the puns I use, I've stolen. I am a proud plagiarist. F: Let's finish this interview with your ��imiMmMHmiMimiHHIMIIHHMHIIHHHIt favorite un-original idea or pun. B: Ahh, this doeth pretend deep trenchery and muddy secrets to be told. F: That's it! What the hell? B: Hell? What's the El? They tore it down. As a tot they told me not to cross the moat. But then the monkey did beseach me cast the moat from mine own eyes. Thus I crossed my eyes and double crossed the monkey into the moat! Afraid of hell, you think! Hell, I've left my senses many times and dreamed I fought great monsters, pink beheamoth, rats upon my bed, who cares? If we fall can we not rise again to bite another apple on yet another Eve? We'll take it down. We'll get it standing up, we'll get it any we can St. Mickey save me �INWHHMIHHIIMNINtlllNIMMIHimi LOUIES HOCKSHOP AND LOAN COMPANY "Look for the old Dodge van and you're at Big Louie's' ON SALE THIS WEEK: Marantz 340X reciever - Brand new - ONLY $45.00! 3 slightly used teargas canisters - $29.95 each Assorted watches - a real bargain at ONLY $189.95 each! : i : � fc Worried about financing? No need' try our Easy Payment Plan -100 down, nothing else to pay ! f If Big Louie doesn 't have it, he can I $& order it for you. r NEED A LOANNO PROBLEM. HAVE TROUBLE PAYING BACK LOANS? NO PROBLEM. WE WILL BREAK YtU OF THAT NASTY HABIT (arms or legs - your preference) IHHNNHHimiWH emi TWO YOUTI campus sec believes thai was held fen alive. FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976 alum i m�i�iii iipipiihh i innaw 9 AS PART OF Greenville Rehabilitation Week, famous city eunuch of J. Clvde Dueless is shown at his job as bartender downtown. Co-workers remarked that he was fitting in remarkably well considering that he had nothing to fit in with. LOCAL ARTISTE RODOLFO DADA SMITH-WORTHINGTON caught in a restive pose after his successful one man art show. He was hung by his gonads from a large oak tree while friends threw balloons filled with paint at him and coated his extremities with Ragu Spaghetti sauce. Special highlight of the show was the exposition of his legendary neon cape which was plugged into a wall socket and when lit up, revealed several of his fantasies about insects. The masterpiece of bizarre love that stunned France A portrait of lave and submission to disorder the senses. SHE BOUGHT HER GOODIES AT BUM'S S-MSHOP FEATURING THE LATEST IN � WHIPS � CHAINS � HANDCUFFS � WETSUITS � LEATHER ITEMS � ROPES � MASKS � VARIETY OF CELLOPHANE APPAREL TWO YOUTHS were discovered Irving In a back room of A.J. Fletcher Building by campus security agents last Sunday. Professing to belong to a new religion which believes that after death your soul goes to a Lithuanian diner in Chicago, the odd pair was held for further questioning after admitting actually to believe Or. Clyde Hiss is alive. " IF IT HURTS, IT'S AT BURT'S m :�- 1SS , . viSfMsapiflflac lO FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976 i Hi KLAN MEETING�It was indeed a fine day for a cross burning last weekend at Ficklen Stadium and these Klan followers turned out in throngs to support the local Greenville chapter-headed up by Greenville's favorite son, Glenn Cannon. According to reports, Cannon became annoyed wtth the crowd and helped them to disperse by use of tear gas, beer bottles and tomahawks. Cannon noted that he did give the crowd a five second warning beforehand, though. ECU finally admitted to the ACC By JOHN EVANS Noise Editor CHAPEL HILL, N.CThe FOUNTAIN- BLAH learned today from its exclusive sources that East Carolina has been accepted for membership in the Atlantic Coast Conference beginning in 1978. According to reports, East Carolina and Virginia Tech were accepted by the conference's Athletic Directors by a vote of 5-2 for admittance to the conference beginning in 1978. The two schools voting against the ECU inclusion in the conference were North Carolina and the University of Maryland. Clomson and Maryland voted against the inclusion of Virginia Tech into the conference. Two schools, West Virginia and South Carolina, were turned down for admittance to the conference, both by votes of 4-2 with one abstention. According to a spokesman for the ACC, the vote to accept ECU as a new member came following considerable lobbying by ECU Chancellor Dr. Leo Jenkins and Senator Robert Morgan, an ECU alumnus. "East Carolina has many alumni to thank for swaying the minds of the Athletic Directors the spokesman said. "Especially since the majority of Athletic Directors were against it (ECU'S acceptance) just two months ago. "The decision to allow VPI to come into the conference was made as a concilliatory gesture towards Maryland and Virginia, the two schools located outside of the Carolinas. It was surprising to many that Maryland voted against the approval of Tech for admittance Maryland was the only school that voted against all four schools, including South Carolina and West Virginia, for admittance into the conference. FOUNTAINBLAH contacted Mary- land's Athletic Director Jim Kehoe for his comments on the matter. "To me, and this is off the record, the conference is playing dominoes with Its future said Kehoe. "Of course we aren't too crazy about the arrangement of North Carolina schools in the conference already and adding ECU to the conference is totally absurd in my estimation. Besides what has ECU ever beaten us in?" When told by FOUNTAINBLAH that mwmmm East Carolina had beaten the Marylanders in both baseball and swimming this year, Kehoe remarked, "Well, that doesn't mean a thing to me. After all our baseball and swimming teams had an off year this year and all our swimmers were loaded down with twinkies the day we swam ECU. You do remember what happened in basketball, don't you?" Neither ECU basketball coach Dave Patton or Athletic Director Bill Cain would comment on ECU'S chances against the ACC in basketball. When asked to comment, Patton just went pale and Cain slammefl his door and went back to his game of dominoes. According to ECU Chancellor Jenkins, the negative vote from Carolina was a political move by the anti-ECU faction in Chapel Hill. "I think this is one of the greatest victories that ECU and myself have ever earned said Jenkins. "It angers me that the people from Chapel Hill continue to take the dim views towards our school that they do, but after we beat them in baseball and football this year I'm not surprised to hear it. "I'm afraid that I have a lot of political enemies in that part of the state and they used their gripes towards me to hamper any attempts at us getting in the conference Jenkins announced that he would immediately recommend to the Board of Trustees that plans be approved to enlarge Ficklen Stadium to seat 35,000 fans and Minges Coliseum to seat 9,000 fans. The two facilities currently have capacities of 20,000 (in Ficklen) and 6,500 (in Minges). Jenkins added that he felt the admission of VPI to the conference would help bring more balance to the conference, and that he envisioned the admission of a tenth school. "We feel really proud that we have been accepted and I personally feel, and of course I speak for the university, that the move was warranted. "I think the conference's move to also admit Virginia Tech would show that they plan to expand to ten teams in the near future, with several teams possibly qualifying as the tenth school. William Friday, president of the consolidated University of North Carolina system, said that he was surprised, but pleased to learn that East Carolina was accepted to the ACC. "It was a surprise to me, I admit said Friday. "At the same time, though, the University (EC) has been making great progress in its athletic endeavors and perhaps people within the state under-estimated exactly how much progress the school had been making The plan calls for East Carolina and Virginia Tech to continue their normal schedule in 1976 and 1977 and revert completely to full schedules in all sports by 1978. Since the schools will officially be admitted to the conference in 1978, this will give them each a little more than two years to establish an athletic program in all the conference sanctioned sports. Athletic Director Cain said that the new occurrences would mean a reevaluation of the program's goals. Cain added that several programs which now existed would have to be discontinued or cut back in order to establish programs in Lacrosse and Fencing. Lacrosse and Fencing are both sports sanctioned by the ACC towards the Carmichael Cup. "It will take a while for myself and my coaches to sit down and discuss what changes need to be made in the program, financially. At the present time, we are not fully ready financially to take the giant step into the ACC, but it is my hope that we will be two years from now, when actual competition begins When asked what changes might have to be made in the program, Cain responded: "At the present time I don't think it would be wise for me to speculate on that. Certainly rifle is not an ACC sport since that would probably be sacrificed. As it stands now, all the other sports would be continued, since they are also ACC sponsored sports. "Somewhere added Cain, "We will have to find the money for a lacrosse program. We had one a few years back and discontinued it because of lack of funds, but we may have to start the program up once again or sacrifice that sport for better programs in other already existing sports Cain added that in some sports a great deal of change was not needed and that increased revenue from conference television and gate receipts would possibly bring in a lot of the needed money. "In football, baseball, swimming and wrestling we are close to where we need to be. Track is another sport where we are mighty close. There are several places we will need to work on. Among these are our soccer, tennis, and basketball programs. "I do believe, though, that some of the money we will need can come from the gate receipts with the conference schools in basketball and football. Since our share of the television contract will start next year instead of in 1978, that should help, too. "We have already started receiving a number of larger donations from alumni to our athletic fund through the Pirate Club. It may be three to five years before we are competitive with the conference in all sports, but I feel our overall program will be able to hold its own right off Cain added, "Now that we have been given a commitment from the league, the wheels can really start rolling. Of course, there is a small matter of withdrawing from the Southern Conference, but I think that can be taken care of NEW RECRUIT-East Carolina has recruited this all-American punter out of fcyeeore A and M. The booter, according to scouts, has only one major weakness. If you haven't noticed that fact yet, ha has no At least he won't have to worrv his about making the team. m m mm ejejexeflftB mm mm nmm 4 I m urnmm m FOUNTAINBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976 � � �mi i wvmmmemmmmm ii VMfV ( Carson signs Ryun East Carolina track coach Bill Carson announced the signing of two of the top high school track stars in the nation yesterday in an effort to offset the Pirates' weaknesses in the pole vault and distance events. Steve Ryun of Lawrence, Kansas, is the brother of legendary Jim Ryun, who ruled the middle distance running in the United States during the middle and late sixties. Brother Steve looks to be a better prospect than Jim. In 1965, the older Ryun set the high school national record in the mile with a time of 3:58.5. This was the first time a high schooler had ever broken four minutes in the mile. It was only fitting that brother Steve came along to break the mark. Steve ran a 3:55.8 time in the first outdoor mile of the year this season. Carson sees Ryun helping the Pirates program immensely. "This is the first bonafide world class miler I've ever had. We knew we had a chance to get him but we thought it was mighty slim. We just showed him the kind of program we had and how well he would fit in and he picked us over the University of Kansas The other jewel the Pirates picked up was Jimmy Seagren, whose brother was once the best pole vaulter in the world. Bob Seagren, the former Southern Cal star has pole vaulted over 18 feet several times and has passed the tradition on to brother Jimmy. The young Seagren has vaulted 17'8" three times and holds the national high school record in the event. Carson was also very high on Seagren. "We've never had anyone here to go any higher than 15'6 This is a really big boost for our program. The only problem with signing a pole vaulter is that we are going to have to buy some pole vault standards now. We have none The two blue-chippers add to the strength the Pirates have in the sprints and hurdles should give East Carolina one of the best track programs in the East, maybe in the nation. Carson concurs. "These two young men should give us one of the top track programs around. Our sprinters and hurdlers are second to none right now and these guys give us strength where we were never able to score points before East Carolina track looks to be taking a national picture right now, but should be ever better next year with the new acquistions. southeastern 7 NOMINATED M FOR "� LATE SHOW Fri. - Sat. ONLY 11:15 P.M. FOUNTAMBUHI AWARDS! Tim Sullivan THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING SOON 'Return of Jaws' - starring Ricky Price YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY-ECU head basketball coach Dave Patton wanders over to talk to an official after learning that his team's Hardee's Huskies will not be there on time for the team's post-game meal. The ECU player in the background helps to express Patton's sentiments by saying he wants his all-meat Huskee or he won't play. t DOUBLE DUTY�Apparently these two players can not decide who is supposed to catch the ball. Actually, they are Beepo and Berpo Flub, the Siamese twins on the ECU football team this year. Medical science was made when the two brothers were separated when one tried going one way and the other went the other way. ii mtm nain m mm ���� i wm m mmm m 12 FOUNTAJNBLAHVOL. 51, NO. 471 APRIL 1976 � r i mm� im i mmm �m HOTFL FLAS Sppeech lab The spp-speech 11-lab will mmm- meet nnn-next Mmmm-onday to discuss Eaastern North Ccc-carolina spp-peech immm-pedimentts. The ttiime of tt-he mm-eeting is 7:30 in rr-ooom 206 Alll-ied Hhealth. Rocks off The Geology Club will meet this Saturday at Dr. O'bonner's favorite hideawayto discuss the future possibility of the club gettin its rocks off. Freeze funds Dr. rtans Dimdork will hold a special seminar on how to freeze students funds without ever telling them about the fund freeze. The seminar should be of the utmost importance for those in the EZU Model UN program. Special guest for the seminar will be Larry Chiseler, our favorite SGA patsy for Dr. Dimdork. Lecture show The EZU Political bcience Department will hold a special lecture series on controlling socialism as applied to the First Amendment and Justice Black. Dr. Scurious Yarrough will present an in depth court opinion, Dr. Dimdork will represent the Third Reich, and Dr. Deamon will lecture on the "South as a4 Socialist State Non-art show There will be a special non-Art Show to be held at Dada Smith Worthington's groovy pad. The non-Art show will not be held so it will add to the uniqueness of the event. Flamingo fired Applications are now being taken for FOUNTAINBLAH editorship. Mike Tailor fired himself last week and a replacement is necessary for the remainder of the year. Cram course The EZU Business Department will conduct a special cram course to be offered to the professors in the economics and accounting departments. The cram course will consist of how to figure out your accounting tables once you have thoroughly confused the students and will give the professors a chance to brush up on thier respected subjects they forgot how to teach 20 years ago. Ha ha ha ha ha ha Darrell - it's off. Ha, ha, ha. tmnimmmt i n mvm i n u Cancelled The Major Attractions Committee has been cancelled because they lost their sound crew in Greenville, South Carolina and they refused to sign another contract. Bob Sat iva was not available for comment because he was out to lunch, as he usually is. Human body The Nursing Department will hold a week long seminar on the "Human Body and the Best Way to Use it to Your Advantage Girls Guest lectures will be Xaviera Hollander and Linda Lovelace. Speech fund A speical speech therapy fund is now being taken up for a corrective speech course to be offered to Dr. Uguess Mulati, EZU Business Department, to correct his obvious speech problem. Students who have Dr. Mulati this quarter are strongly encouraged to give donations before it is too late in the quarter. Fear course Dr. Deamon will offer a course next spring entitled "You Have only Three Things to Fear in Life This class will based on the teachings of intellectual Gene Talmadge. Black people need not apply. Fighting BSA Dr. Herby Carlson will be offering a special training session for Boy Scouts this summer. This group will consist of fifty elite scouts trained in counter insurgency tactics. The "Fighting BSA" will be attached to the Defense Intelligence Agency and will be used in counter acting existing Soviet Browning groups trying to convert young people to Communism. Warsaw ghetto There will be a meeting of all the survivors of the Warsaw Ghetto next Tuesday. Guest lecturer will be the world famous Bay Shore Wonder who will speak on "Why I Love North Carolina or Why My First Bom Will Be Named T-Bone BSRA There will be a meeting of BSRA (Bathroom Stall Readers of Aerica). That's right, every Tuesday nite, BSRA members tour the campus discovering the true meaning of the old adage "the writing's on the wall The club is looking the new members and everyone is invited to join. As club president George M. Nasal says, "There is a seat for you Pogue gone Russ Pogue, photographer for Fountainblah, has been stolen. He was last seen standing on his head on the Entertainment Desk at i Fountainblah. His whereabouts are presently unknown. If anyone sees him, please tell him not, repeat NOT, to return. Applications are now being accepted for staff photographer. Friends of leather There will be a meeting of Friends of Leather next Monday at 6 p.m. at the home of Tom "Crack the Whip" Tozer. Med school trustees A meeting of the EZU med school Board of Trustees will be held Monday, April 5 at Louie's Lounge to discuss dispersement of med school funds and future meetings at Louie's Lounge. All memebrs are urged to attend as drinks will be on the UNC school system. Shoe collectors There will be a meeting of ECU Shoe Collecting Society Monday at 8jOO p.m. at Saad Shoe Shop. The topic will be "Pleasures of the Innersole All interested parties welcome. ePic' of the week A study of human nature. mm