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Digital CollectionsJoyner Library, East Carolina UniversityEast Fifth Street, Greenville NC 27858-4353 USA
2012

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the head OON ISSUE m mMtm A GOOD f CONTRACEPTIVE iim nwnn iiniiiiiiui . in mm mmmm MH ???i?mwiWMJW.unn wiWIwmMpiHM 1 UESTIONS FOR THOSE WHO KNOW IEXACTLY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. . How many pancakes does an Irish wolfhound eat in Siberia when an old man in Northern Borneo eats 8 prunes an hour, and how does this affect the weather in Greenville? 2. What color are the eyes of a Muscovy Duck having an epileptic fit? 3. What are the effects of an Acetate footwash on the simple and average Mongoloid? 4. List the octaves a male Yak can hit In heat? 5. How many Spaniards can fit in the average New Guinean John? 6. How long does it take for a 8 ounce beer mug to sink to the bottom of an 10 gal. keg? 7. When is the simple little honey bee the most promiscuous? 8. Why are crabs allowed to live? 9. Explain in 5 typed pages why an acorn is bald. 10. Why doesn't a centipede have webbed feet? 11. Howlongarethetoenailsof an 87 year old woman who has eaten nothing but licorice and strawberries for 101.367 days? 12. How long does the first burp of a baby wombat last? a) 4 sec b) 6 min; c) 37 secd.) all of the above 13. What does an Ojibwa say when falling down a mountain? Mi 14. Where are the decendents of Stanhope Pinkney Anthony? a) Rigt here writing this; b.) all of the above 15. What are the effects of molasses on a silverfish? and does this result in an limited gene pool? Be brief but to the point. 16. What is the average length of the common American wart? (Drawings and illustrations acceptable) 17. When does menopause occue in a shrew? 18. Should an irate camel use listerene even though it tastes bad? 19. In Autumn does the Spring lizard turn into a callow fellow? (Answer directly without fear of reprisals) SGA votes to fund ding-a-ling By NASUS NAA NNIUQ Staff Writer Today the SGA Legislature voted not to consider a bill to appropriate $6,000 to the ding-a-ling fund. This fund would be established to construct and operate a mini-bell tower at the site of the old smoke stack behind the campus laundry. The legislators decided that these funds should be appropriated from other sources since the legislature should spend money for the interest and needs of the students. The Speaker of the Legislature announced that the legislators must wear their name tags to distinguish them from the interested students that frequently crowd the legislature room to such a degree that they are asked to stand outside. It was resolved that students should be asked not to walk on the side of the streets in which the drainholes are horizontally perpendicular to the relative plane of the road because bicycles will be riding on that side of the street, but it was suggested that the drainhole ; be painted orange so that bicycle riders will be able to distinguish them from road signs. In other business of the legislature, Anti Admin, Susie Soro, Fred Freak Out, and Robert Rules were accepted as new legislators. Brick collision scores worker (CPSZNS)-A man hired by a construc- tion company was asked to fill out the details of an accident that put him in the hospital after less than an hour on the job. His job was simply to carry an excess of bricks from the top of a two story house down to the ground. This is his meticulous report: "Thinking I could save time, I rigged a beam with a pulley at the top of the house, and a rope leading to the ground. I tied an empty barrel! on one end of the rope, pulled it to the top of the house, and then fastened the other end of the rope to a tree. Going up to the top of the house, I filled the barrel with bricks "Then I went back down and unfastened the rope to let the barrel down. Unfortunately the barrel of bricks was now heavier than I, and before I knew mtmm mmmmmmmmnmmnm ? what was happening, the barrel jerked me up in the air. I hung onto the rope, and halfway up I met the barrel coming down, receiving a severe blow on the left shoulder "I then continued on up to the top, banging my head on the beam and jamming my fingers in the pulley "When the barrel hit the ground, the bottom burst, spilling the bricks. As I was now heavier than the ban-el, I started down at high speed. Halfway down I met the empty barrel coming up, receiving severe lacerations to my shins. When I hit the ground, I landed on the bricks. At this point, I must have become confused because I let go of the rope. The barrel came down, striking me on the head, and I woke up in the hospital. I respectfully request sick leave e tmm ?M ' ?? 2 HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974 news Bullmoos? callers Cancellation The Royal Order of Bullmoose Callers of America and Canada will hold its annual practice beginning 9 a.m. Saturday. The meet will be held in the same field as last year. There will be food, fun and competition calls for everyone. Special features again this year will include: running the gamut of maddened bullmooses (the jackpot has grown to $1,853.42 due to the inability of the last three year's winners to claim the prize); bullmoose drag racing, the best bullmoose caller and the always challenging race for safety from the midst of 10,000 bullmooses at the height of the mating season. All members are urged to attend and bring necessary equipment. Fees must be paid in advance to avoid collecting hassels at the end of the day. Y.U.L.A. There will be a meeting of the Young Underminers Laboratory of America at 1 a.m. Saturday behind Joyner Library. Top- ic and target to be revealed later. Need a job, clown? Barnum and Bailey Circus, now taking applications for summer jobs as elephant washers, shovel and wheelbarrow managers, tent pitchers, trapeeze swingers, net weavers and animal dieticians. Must have college education, doctorates preferred. For application forms and more information write Fred, co Circus Storage Rd Lost Horizons, Ariz. 00000. Vengeance day Fountainhead announces Vengeance Day on which all disgruntled drama persons can maul our reviewers who have most irked them in the past seven months. We are pleased to announce that both of our reviewers recently celebrated their fourth birthdays, are now learning to read and write and were recently fitted with glasses and hearing aids to correct several def iciences. The only problem now is that little Susie still has trouble differentiating between a commercial art show and a musical, and little George isn't tall enough yet to see over the seats. This, too, shall pass. The Future Homemakers of America will meet Friday afternoon in the C.U. lobby. Topics of discussion will be "How to subjugate and needlessly restrict children at early ages to prepare them for adult life America and "How to break up marriages after the first two years Refreshments will be served and the public is invited to attend. McKeel reached In an unprecendented event, Pub Board Chairman Bob McKeel was reached by a Fountainhead staff member. "It only took one ring of the telephone said flabbergasted Fountainhead Business Manager Rick Gil Ham. "And then I heard Bob's voice say, 'Hello and we had a conversation McKeel, last seen in December of 1957, was not available for comment. Pasta leaders A course in pasta making is being offered for Russian majors in conjunction with the Future Leaders of America Symposium beginning in May. Dr. Verushka Riggliottin, a native of Japan, will instruct students on "How to find Deeper Meaning through Pasta Making All interested students are urged to sign up at once as space is limited. A schedule of Spring Quarter films to be cancelled was announced Wednesday by Student Union President Gibert Kennedy. "We want to make students aware of what a good job the Union is doing said Kennedy. The film series includes Casablanca, which will be cancelled April 8 because it will be ordered in the wrong film size, and Sounder which will be lost in the mail on April 22. Both films have been scheduled due to the overwhelming success of their cancellations last quarter. When asked to explain the mishap when the Misfits was shown, Kennedy replied, "it was the fault of our distributor. He promised us the film would be recalled. I guess the film's unpopularity was the reason. It was not the Union's fault He plans to announce early next week a schedule of concerts to be cancelled. The concerts, which they plan to sell out and then cancel the day before, include Sha Na Na, the New Riders and Chic Corea. The Union is presently negotiating with the Weather Bureau. "We want to find out when the next blizzard is going to be so we can schedule an unknown jazz group said Kennedy. When asked if the Union plans to cancel Short Circus, Cofferrock and Coffree, Kennedy said, "We want to make ECU students aware of what a good job the Union is doing Union non-existent Mummification The Pop Concerts Committee has cancelled the entire Student Union due to the onset of Spring Quarter. All Union employees are hereby non-existent, and maintenance will rub out the whole Union building with a giant ten-foot fun eraser tomorrow evening. Be there. Learn the secrets of the meditation masters - Transcontinental Mummification sessions will bring you the eternal bliss known only to tiny bugs and ingesters of Karo Syrup. Is God's real name Harry? Film tonight, "Pray yourself to Palm Beach 8:30 p.m. LATE LAST THURSDAY night thieves came to 2426 W. Main Street and made off with an estimated 55 pounds of pot. The owner, Ms. Virginia Renalds, immediately notified the police but so far there have been no leads in the bizarre burglary. They agreed thaf it was a lot of pot but admonished Ms. Renalds for leaving it overnight on her front porch. Ms. Renalds admits that she has little hope for its recovery, but asks if by chance villains are Fountainhead readers that they repent and please return her cast-iron cooking kettle. She will, upon its return, gladly give the "borrower" a free quart of frozen Brunswick stew which she made in the pot last Fall. She can be reached at 359-1879. LOST: A guacamole fish, last seen sailing out over Jarvis and landing on a passing Renaualt. If seen please contact Susie Creamcheese. . NOTICE: There will be a collection of all "I Like Sonny Randle" buttons and pins In front of Belk on Tuesday. Call 754-9873 or contact Pat Dye. FOR SALE: 27 half pairs of socks unwashed. I'll make you an offer. WANTED: 40 used shoestrings. Minimal knots please. Contact Joe Calder. LOST: One glass eye, blue & white. Re- ward offered. I WILL NOT BE responsible for any debts incurred by myself after this time. L.L. WANTED: Copy of the latest Playgirl magazine - the one with Bill Bodenhamer nude foldout. Will meet to bargain at 3 a.m. on corner of Fifth and Jarvis under crescent moon on foggy night only. Will trade mv picture of Mike Ertis dressed as Mister fJreen Jeans. FOR SALE: University. Used. Situated near convenient trees and things. Com- plete with Chancellor. If interested, just shout. APARTMENT$90 month. No girls, dogs, tish, noise, late nights out or cars permitted. No cooking, eating or drinking. No appliances or messiness tolerated. No visitors, sphere. Pub Board Bankruptcy PUBLICATIONS BOARD - members needed, still have openings for two geeks, one vegetarian, a token flamengo dancer, two magic elves and an olive. Freddie the Talking Gnat advises candidates to hop on one pincer to SGA office to apply. The Pub Board elects editors for football tickets, paper napkins and the funny designs on Union coke cups. Editors must be either male or female, bigger than a breadbox and a hot time on layout night. Please recycle this ink. Due to the expense of the transit system, xerox machine and other things, the SGA announces bankruptcy and canellation of its planned April banquet. To compensate for the cancell- ation, those persons who had been invited will receive one (1) finger sandwich and an evelope of daquiri mix in the mail. Your Student Fees At Work. WHATpage one ISpage two GOINGpage three ONpage four HERE?page five Just plain no. Homelike atmo- LOST: One antique bone rib cage. Will the jerk that stole it please return It to its spot under the head. My damn heart-bird has nowhere to perch except on my sleeve. WANTED TO TRADE: A boy named Sue for anything resembling the real thing. Call Fred 758-5363. WANTED: Ten pounds of peanut butter and isolated banana plantation (at discount prices) for 2 yr. medical research on possible connections and side effects of constipation in monkeys. Call Dr. Uncom Fortable 8000-201-000, Zurich. WANTED: Donations to Home for Wayward Gerblls. Send to Dr. Know, P.O. Box 007, Wyoming, Neb. No checks or money orders please. WANTED TO SELL: Sligh ,y used carrot factory. Good location, equipment in excellent shape, price good. Call 180-72516 (collect) ask for Florence. LOST: 10,000 sheep, somewhere between 1,001 and 1,002. If seen please call Susie, who cannot sleep without them. 222-1331. LOST: A pair of spectacles. They were lost by the stream. If found please return to Hare, Bee, Kangaroo, or newt. Reward offered. CONNIE W. I love you madly and I wish you a merry April 1. morning a dog food Dog Cho delivered 1 food woul needs Jc ownership, eyes or wa The ran police depe the Sadler cereal, o packages, distributed Humans foi Little is Dogcratic some of include: th meaningful Mi mmm m mmmm ?M HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974 3 night thieves t and made off ds of pot. The , immediately ar there have irre burglary. lot of pot but for leaving it i. Ms. Renalds hope for its ice villains are t they repent t-iron cooking return, gladly luart of frozen lade in the pot ?d at 359-1879. st seen sailing I on a passing contact Susie Election of all ns and pins in all 754-9873 or rs of socks offer. ings. Minimal alder. i & white. Re ? for any debts s time. L.L. atest Playgirl I Bodenhamer bargain at 3 I Jarvis under ght only. Will -tis dressed as Jsed. Situated things. Com- iterested, just lo girls, out or dogs, cars ig or drinking, tolerated. No melike atmo- ib cage. Will ?eturn it to its mn heart-bird on my sleeve. oy named Sue g the real peanut butter antation (at yr. medical tlons and side nonkeys. Call 1-000, Zurich. Home for r. Know, P.O. Jo checks or y used carrot quipment in Call 180-72516 here between se call Susie, m. 222-1331. s. They were please return lewt. Reward lly and I wish A little bit of hell right here at home ByZALVIERTOGAN Staff Writer When I died, I was positive I'd get into Heaven with no trouble. I was brought up on the Bible, and always tried to live it. The last thing I remember about life on earth was my family gathered around my deathbed. As I slowly closed my eyes, I saw my little granddaughter, Jennie. A huge glob of snot trickled down her nose. Oh well, it's almost as good as a tear. When I opened my eyes again, I saw a line heading all the way around the Milky Way. I hurried into the line. After a thousand years I reached the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter was there checking people in. The trick was to say your last name first, then your middle initial. I practiced it once, Togan, Zalvier A! A stands for angel. ' "Next "Togan, Zalvier A I yelled proudly. "Heaven certification number?" They had me there. "Come on Togan, what's your Heaven certification number?" I didn't have one. "O.K. wise guy, go to Mercury and talk to the people in booth K. You can't get in here without a certification number Mercury is not such a bad planet if you wear sun glasses. But the folks at booth K weren't too happy to see me. "Sorry they said, "but you can't get your certification number without your Permit to Sing Hymns signed by the choir director. You'll find her out on Pluto I didn't know how cold Pluto was. My frustration was calmed for a moment by the choir. But not for long. "Permit to sing Hymns? Sorry but you have to take your harp 65 pretest first " "Where?" I asked frantically. "Jupiter "Jupiter is a very heavy planet. I dragged my body over to the harp lab, but no dice. "Sorry he said, "you gotta get the most basic thing "What's that?" I chocked. "Your receipt of death "Togan, Zalvier A He fumbled with the cards. 'Here you are He said, "Congratulations "Is that all?" I asked. "Oh one other thing He said. "Leave your soul in the box by the door when you leave "Why?" I asked dumbfounded. "To prove that you're really dead "And where can I get this receipt?" "Just down that chute He said pointing. I slid down and down and down until I landed in a neat, air-conditioned office. Behind the desk sat a red man with horns and a tail. Pitchfork in the comer "Yes?" He said. "May I help you?" "Death receipt I gasped. "Of course he said, "Name?" Dognappersflee; charge high ransom By EMMA POLE Staff Writer The pink and white chihuahua of East Carolina's Professor and Mrs. Kartyle Sadler was reportedly kidnapped last night by the so called PCS, (People for a Dogcratic Society). Eye witnesses reported seeing three masked bandits wearing inscripted "minced meat for mutts' dog collars enter the apparently empty house on Dogwood Drive and drag away the screaming animal. A ransom note arrived early this morning calling for one ton of "top quality" dog food including Zapo meats, Sabrina Dog Chow, and Wagon Train to be delivered to the city's dog kennel. The food would then be distributed among needs dogs bearing no collars of ownership, sagging stomachs, drooping eyes or wagging tails. The ransom note, delivered to the local police department, gave explicit orders for the Sadlers to exclude cracked barley, cereal, or breads from the food packages. The food is to be handled and distributed in whole chunks by the Humans for a Dogmane Society. Little is known about the People for Dogcratic Society. However, leaks of some of their underlying aims include: the gradual attainment of more meaningful roles for dogs in television commercials and programs. For example, the portrayal of dogs taking care of their own dog families instead of catering to the whims of humans. (Lassie was a bourgeois collie). Her role, says the PDS, was most detrimental to the objectives and interests of dogs in general. The PDS also called for the spaying of bitches on a voluntary basis only (consenters distinguishable by a yep, yep!) The People for a Dogcratic Soceity denounced such "derogatory" terms as "stray dogs "dog tired "mean as a dog and "man's best friend Comment- ed Professor Sadler about the entire affair: "I will be doggone Mi OH ATTENTION! JUNIORS SENIORS SCHOLARSHIPS AVAILABLE IN NUCLEAR PROPULSION FIELD RECEIVE VER $50 A MONTH DURING YOUR SENIOR YEAR (maximum of ten months) applicants must be male, U.s! :itizens, 19 26 2 years old, and havt rompleted a minimum of one year of :ollege physics and math tnrougl integral calculus. FOR FURTHER INFORMATION CALL OR WRITE: LT. G.A. LEWIS, USN NAVY RECRUITING DISTRICT P.O. BOX 2506 RALEIGH, N.C. 27602 PH. 919-832-6629 m m American students placed in RECOGNIZED OVERSEAS MEDICAL SCHOOLS ft Euromed! For the session starting July, 1974. Euromed will assist qualified Amer- ican students in gaining, admission to recognized overseas medical schools. And that's just the beginning. Since the language barrier constitutes the preponderate difficulty in succeed- ing at a foreign school, the Euromed program also includes an intensive 12-16 week medical and conversa- tional language course, mandatory for all students. Five hours daily, 5 days per week (12-16 weeks) the course is given in the country where the student will attend medicaj school. In addition, Euromed provides stu- dents with a 12-16 week intensive cul- tural orientation program, with Amer- ican students now studying medicine in that particular country serving as counselors. Senior er graduate students cwrentJy carolled in m America university arc digiolo to participate in the ten program For application and further information, phone toll free: (800) 645-1234 in New York State phone: (516) 746 2380 or write, Euromed. Ltd. 170 0M Country load Mmeola, M.t. 11501 mmm? Specialize in all type Volkswagon Repair All work guaranteed See Team The Officer Info Student Union 1-5April 9:00a.m4:00p.m. COLLEGE EXXON 1101 E. Fifth 752-5646 4 HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974 mm m Body Body burning bright! By JOHN MURPHY A team of University researchers has uncovered evidence linking the burning of cadavers at the Medical School with cerebral brain damage. Writing in February's Morticians Monthly, the researchers claimed that smoke produced from the burning tends to cause "structural decomposition of the brain tissue equivalent to a complete frontal lobotomy Dr. Charles Nurd, formerly a tree surgeon with the University's Department of Buildings and Grounds, claimed the disease's symptoms commenced with the victim lapsing into "a sudden, irreversible coma The ensuing symptoms, he claimed, include death, halitosis and chronic ingrown toenail. "We've pretty much been able to control those last two symptoms Nurd noted. The group recommended that those victims who lose their mental faculties but are still fortunate enough to survive should be rehabilitated through enrollment in the Wharton School. The University authorized the commit- tee to look into the burnings after 250 residents of Stouffer House fatally succumbed to the toxic fumes. "We eventually decided to look into the matter after no one showed up for our house dinner for three weeks House Director Ira Harkevoy claimed. "I originally became alarmed he added, "after I discovered an abnormal quantity of comic books and Pennsylvania Voice issues circulating around the project The University has since established another committee to determine when and if the burnings should be terminated. University administrators generally reacted with indignation against the burning policy, although there were some exceptions. Finance Committee Chairman John Hobsetter noted Wednesday that the deaths would cost the University over $40,000 in lost tuition revenue. He warned that the University would either have to admit more transfer students or hike tuition $500. Director of Residential Life Edwin Ledwell expressed "some regrets" over the sudden rash of deaths, but optimistically predicted the University "would have no problems with overcrowded housing this spring Any missed items? Read the Fountainhead lately? Here are some items you may nave missed. ECU students and faculty should be aware of the following items and events: If you are apprehended by the campus security police and you cannot answer their questions on the subjects below, you will be placed in a sealed room with Monty Hall. Dr. Parkinson Bile will speak at ECU yesterday on the topic: "Can Bleeding to Death Save Your Life?" The doctor will explain how to make necklaces out of those leftover kidney stones. Bring several gall bladders to the lecture. -Many students are upset about the new physical education requirement. It is now mandatory that to graduate a student must pole vault over the AustinBuilding or swallow a discus. -Wanted: Head of lettuce to share apartment with same. -For Sale: One college, cheap. Lo- cation- Greenville, N.C. -Want to stop getting that junk mail? Try placing land mines in front of your mailbox. -Oil company spokesman, Earl Slick, says that there is an oil shortage. "It's no joke, Jake he told reporters before accidentally stepping into an open manhole. He was later apprehended by police when they found him "lewdly caressing a newspaper He was released on bond but his tongue was kept in custody. -A great new book: SHE-a gripping story about an aging, Lesbian dogcatcher who rises to belated fame and fortune as a singing porkpie hat. -Important new film: MONSTER DUCKS ATTACK NEW YORK! - New York City is ravaged by two giant ducks after they are refused service in an Italian restaurant. When a waiter insults them the ducks go on a rampage saying that they are tired of people making "wise quacks" about them. New York is saved when giant decoys are placed in the Atlantic Ocean, thus drawing the ducks away from the city. -Correction: In last week's newspaper Adolf Hitler was mistakenly identified as an almond. He was, in reality, a German interior decorator. -Cancellation: Kaiser Wi I helm will not speak at ECU- tonight. Money will be refunded. A college spokesman has expressed shock on hearing that the Kaiser died over thirty years ago. The spokesman also announced that the college has purchased the Brooklyn Bridge. Goto this eumAwr with MR caayows- TMJM CtT HIM OU AMO PAfTC MiM OW VOVK. FOUCHCAP mm ?MMMWM EDITOR PAT CRAWFORD calls Fountainhead staff masting to order. Darreil Williams protend that Pat la a clnus cloud. PAT TRIES TO convince Managing EditorSklpSaundafs that he'll suffocate If he both nostrils. ? SPORTS EDITOR JACK MORROW tries to lift the room. Sai exp THE FRE Giuse better-kn School ol massive years of Wimpy Papparaz of that & section o known as in Chains Puff a fr of the maj artist at r delicate "diffusmo the subtle to suggesi Comatos well-deser Punchinell and origin, period - i Teodora I Incestina, cycle alon book. As f of the pain (March the cov 80 pp.) April 1 Lng" Lin OiK'on E M mm ?1 m mmmurn mmm mtmtmmmm mmmtmmm kwowand he HEADVOL 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1t74 5 Reviews Sarf Wimpy explored THE FRECOES OF DELLA PAPPARAZZI byAntofneCanatose $39.95, Placebo Press Giuseppe delta Papparazzi, one of the better-known painters of the Punchinello School of Painting, is ably analyzed in this massive study. (Comatose spent fifteen years of his life in the Cathedral of Saint Wimpy in Gurrinzi, analyzing della Papparazzi's fresco cycle depicting the life of that saint.) Perhaps the most moving section of the study deals with the fresco known as "The Apotheosis of Saint Wimpy in Chains, or, Democratization of the Cocoa Puff a fresco which takes up ai least half of the major chapel wall. Here we see the artist at his best, making use of all his delicate techniques - from the airy "diffusmottonettamentozo" brushstroke to the subtle use of "technoturrinzitomalini" to suggest distant perspective. Above all, Comatose places Papparazzi in his well-deserved niche as Prince of the Punchinello School, certainly a more valid and original artist than his cohorts of that period - i.e Francisco Susquepedalia, Teodora Infanticida, Constipatio della Incestina, and others. The Saint Wimpy cycle alone is worth the price of the book. As Papparazzi himself so ably said of the painting, "It's a fresco EVERY ONE THEN ASPARAGUS NOSE HONOLULU by Gertrude Stein $6.95, Posthumous Press Gertrude Stein is back again. After having been dead for 27 years, Stein has decided to resume writing; This posthumous volume gives a representative selection of her new work.The first section od meditations (entitled "Howard Narragansett Yellow Sandwich Sandwich") is devoted to her thoughts on plastic soda straws. Part Two ("Can Mabel Fly, or will socks grow, he said") is a description of a typical Stein day; particularly moving is the section which reads as follows: Nose. Blue nose. Fine line. Band-aid. every every Submarine sings. Sings well. Can it not. No. Yechh. Please pass the rodent. (This passage has been interpreted by Michael Nostradamus, noted critic obscuranta, as indicating Stein's feelings about world peace, tomato soup and S&H Green Stamps.) Stein's penchant for writing plays appears once again in the play, "Madame Nolluzi's Garbanzo in which the plot centers on the erotic adventures of a Swing line stapler. Stein also develops her powers of autobiographical writing (remember the AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ALICE B. TOKLAS?) in this volume. Here contained is THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF HERMIONE GINGOLD, in which she attempts to portray Miss Gingold as the reincarnation of Charles Baudelaire. Somehow this ymrmrnm does not work, but we have always forgiven Stein her eccentricities. Perhaps the best critique of Stein is her own introduction to ASRARAGUS NOSE HONOLULU: "So I have been doing what I have been doing it is done it is having been doing it is having been doing quite nearly done not as always but is done is done is done again will be done will be going and done Or, as she writes in "A play about animated nostrils: Vladivostok Tuna fish. Collage. Animal crackers in my coup. What is what. Peanut. Dilemma. Pink melon bicycle. Gertrude Stein just hasn't changed much in 27 years. Excerpt from a typical continental novel "As they say in my native country, when the czllcmntse grobrandnlckt, the glbnobna is sure to crlmfngsti. Har' Har' Har he said. Mme. Pnewnatique looked aghast "But, c'est I'autredes?" .cklmfngi dropthnksi he roared. "Ah, yes demurred Mme. Pneumati- que, "Exit facet, psum nobis dumpum "Touche said Percival. Suddenly little Wimpsy had a coughing fit and fainted on her satin pillow. (End, Chapter 43.) WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE? AND THE WATERGATE FOLLIES GERALD GARDNER'S BOOK S?' v HAD ENOUGH WASHINGTON- President Nixon Wed- nesday agreed to release his entire collection of tapes to U.S. District Court Judge John Sirica. "Although I fee that this is an encroachment of my personal prerogative I will release the tapes to the American people in order to once again bring the country back together and restore the spirit that was once there Among the tapes released by Nixon was an eight-track version of "The Best of Kate Smith "Rudy Valee's America and the University of Ohio ROTC cadets singing, "Columbia, the Gem of the Ocean Now you can protect yourself against muggers, rapists and worse with this amazing new whistle. Wear it as a necklace or carry it as a key chain. Its long-range penetrating shrill brings help in a hurry. The next dark n'gnt (that's tonight!) you'll feel a lot safer just knowing you have the greatest protection in the world. Gives obscene phone callers a shrilling earful too GET IT BEFORE YOU HAD IT' (March 28, 1974) Vice President Gerald Ford as featured on the cover of GERALD GARDNER'S THE STREAKING BOOK ($1.50. 80 pp.), a new photo-caption humor book due from Bantam Books Other notables include Richard i EJizabcth. book speaking out on "streak- Nixon, Golda Meir, Henry Kissinger, COME IN OR MAIL HANDY COUPON Yes! I want to be saved' Send meLondon-Like Whiles Key Cham ?Necklace (Number)Chrome I enclose $3.00 for each London-Like Whistle. I understand that if I am not totally satisfied, I will receive a complete refund if returned in 10 days. NAME STREET NUMBER CITY Family Jewels Ltd. 3431 West Villard Avenue Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53209 STATE. .ZIP. 6 HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974 i mm mm Iff mi EditorialsCommentary Editing yourself S Agamemnon real? MAKE UP YOUR OWN PAT CRAWFORD EDITORIAL CHOOSE ONE OF THE PHRASES IN PARENTHESES The latest developments regarding (the SGA, foreign language, publications) have shown clearly that (Bill Bodenhamer, education, students) isare (crazy, dead, stupid). As (Emily Dickinson, Lao Tzu, Gertrude Stein) would say, ("The Frogs got Home last Week The Way is forever nameless "Toasted Suzie is my ice cream"). In fact, it is highly probable that within the next few years, (the SGA will enter the bazooka business, ancient Assyrian will be taught at ECU, editors will be set fire to). But why is all this happening? First, (Bill Bodenhamer wants to open a Bodenburger hot dog stand with student funds, Assyrian is a necessary part of everyday life, who needs reading anyhow). Second, (the SGA should be replaced by a popcorn machine, it looks like all requirements for everything will be dropped, the Buc will be run off on a ditto machine this year). Speaking from personal experience, I remember when (the dorm washer ate my red socks, I was elected editor because the only other people running were a small blue dwarf and an insurance salesman who got lost on his way to Peoria, this newspaper was written entirely in cuneiform script). Others who remember these things may well ask - (why bother, where's the bathroom, who is John Gait)? After all, the main reason for entering college is to (avoid work, avoid life, avoid evasion). Perhaps the best final statement on this toDic comes from (Emily Dickinson, Lao Tzu, Gertrude Stein) who said, ("I like a look of agony 'I do my utmost to attain emptiness "This is no authority for the abuse of cheese"). We trust all (ECU students, nostrils, behemoths) feel the same. Pigeons on the diagonal Fountainhead presents a special excerpt from the novel, "Evil Spaghetti with Kumquats and Several Blue Porous Mezzotints a tale of refugee life in the Arctic Circle. "Harriet, don't cried Avery Wumpage upon his return from Wimple Acres. His wife, Harriet, stood in the window of their 45,6789,908765 acre manor estate, waving a blue sock and shouting, "Long live Dobie Gillis in a cry so piercing that Averell Harriman belched twice. Avery shook with moral turpitude. Ever since he had given his wife mesentery for her birthday, she had been exhibiting strange behavior. First she was caught in downtown Des Moines eating red spaghetti with a shovel. Then Harriet was arrested for parading stark orange into the flamingo cage of the Chicago Rxntainhccid Do you know because you read it somewhere, or Is It newly the time of the post-harvah revolution?" Gertrude Stein EDITOR-IN-CHIEFPat Crawford MANAGING EDITORSklp BUSINESS MANAGERRk Gilllam AD MANAGERJackie Shallcross NEWS EDITORS DarreM Williams Diane Taylor SPORTS EDITORJack Morrow ADVISORFrank Murphy 1 Aquarium. And, most embarrassing of all, Harriet had developed insatiable cravings for Hallucinogenic Fizzies, which she bought up at every opportunity. Where would it end? Who knew? Until answers emerged, Avery had vowed to make a weekly pilgrimage to the shrine of the Madonna of Oakland, bringing small garlic buds and even smaller prayers. On his tenth visit, he was miraculously cured of nasal turpitude. His wife, meanwhile, had abandoned Blue Sock Waving and had turned to earthier things, i.e acts of sodomy with young goldfish and waterbugs. One day the Wumpage's daughter, Howard, arrived home from the Wartburg Military Academy with a Large Surprise. "I'm joining the Operatic Institute of Tuscany she said, "and will become the worid's first female castrati singer Her parents stood in stunned horror. "Howard said Avery, calmly, "you know we've tried our best to bring you up as a normal child, despite your Hare Knee and 5" overbite. Is this the return we get - a daughter of ours joining The Theater?" Harriet waved her sock in glee. By JACK ANDROGYNE BIG STUFF: An investigator on my staff revealed today that Tricia Nixon Cox is actively engaged in an attempt to overthrow Pope Paul VI and to establish a Presbyterian monarchy funded by Howard Johnson's and the Velveeta Cheese people. Tricia plans this as a protest against the Catholic Church, who she feels, contributed to unAmericanism by ordaining Daniel and Philip Berrigan way-back when. There are rumors that, for complicity in the plot, the President is allowing Howard Johnson's to raise the price of their Plastic PeachPie from $2.50 to $5 per slice. THE FBI: According to top secret sources, the most recent list of persons beina investigated by the FBI includes Sandro Botticelli, Fra Angelico and Rogier van der Weyden, Try again, fellas AUTOS. Since the air bag idea hasn't gone over wel I, government sources are trying to ourfit late-model cars with cyanide capsules-they say it's more humane to go on your own. The cyanide lobby in Washington has won friends, recently touting the virtues of cyanide in malted milk form so it doesn't taste so funny. They plan a banquet to test the product in the near future .WHATs NEW. Bicentennial oelbration plans in- clude total destruction of the Capitol Building to make way for a Neon Independence Funland Coliseum made entirely of U.S. products. The problem is that importation has risen so highly that the bureaucrats are hard-pressed to find any U.S. products. Tentative plans will have the coliseum being built entirely of 1040 forms .SURVEY. A recent govern- ment survey indicates that between 80 percent and 85 percent of Americans are actively engaged in breathing, while nearly 97 percent admit to eating at least once daily. "This said the President in a recent speech, "puts an entirely new perspective on things The release of this data puts a premature damper on high-level plans to sell the air of eight states to Russia, and to encourage Americans to eat only once monthly in view of the food crisis .SCANDAL: The Watergate panel may never discover why Donald Nixon had Antarctica moved to Gilbraltar, or why only small squid can be made citizens of Tuscany today, or why London has been painted mauve, or who Saint Wimpy really is. You can't say we didn't hing.JS GOD DEAD? Not according to Mrs. Marilyn Wimbish of Paramus, N.J. Mrs. Wimbish claims she recently spoke to God via transcontinental telephone while attempting to contact her sister, a waitress in Osaka. "God told me I had dialed the wrong number she said, "and asked me to please try again When asked why she felt she had actually spoken to God, Mrs. Wimbish said, "Who else would know I had dialed the wrong number?" NEXT WEEK: Does a gang of fierce Jell-0 lobbyists really run Congress? What can you do about the National Debt? And other stuff. Wonder-working toes FOUNTAINHEAD is the student paper of East Carolina University and appears each Tuesday and Thursday of the school year. Mailing address: Box 2516 ECU Station, Greenville, N.C. 27834 Editorial Offices. 758-6366, 758-6367 Subscriptions: $10 annually for non- students. Reprinted from Bryn Mawr-Haverford College News Are you anticipating one thoroughly impossibl exam per course this quarter? Well, don't worry. There is always at least one "gut" exam in every set of midyears and finals. If you should feel that you have never had such an exam, then the following examples of "gut" exams may hold your interest. INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit - 4 hours. Begin immediately. HISTORY: Describe the history of the papacy from its origin to the present day, concentrating specially but not exclusively on the social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific. MEDICINE: You have oern provided with a razor blade, a piece of gai ze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes. PUBLIC SPEAKING: @t?? RIOT! CRAZED ABORGINES ARE STORMING THE CLASSROOM. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million ? ??? warn i m years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects of the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis. MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orche- strate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question. POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. EXTRA-CREDIT: Define the Universe; give three examples. m mem mmmm ? ? . ? i plans will t entirely of ?nt govern- between 80 nericans are while nearly least once iident in a ntirely new lease of this jamper on air of eight encourage monthly in ,NDAL: The iscover why i moved to iquid can be jay, or why uve, or who an't say we DEAD? Not Mmbish of claims she scontinental contact her od told me I she said, jain When ually spoken "Who else the wrong ig of fierce Congress? le National mtion to the 8 English four thesis. arto. Orche- i flute and under your alistic plan debt. Trace plan in the ie Donatist theory of all possible deficiencies onstrated in on. a is a red you. Start ujth on its nature of answer an :t of the n science. Describe in fie. Universe; mm mmmmmm mm HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974 mmmmmmmmmmmmmm 7 m TheForum FOUNTAINHEAD wonders If anyone ever reads this Forum policy. Do you? If so, why? The basic gist of It is that if you want to write letters, go ahead. Why do you need to read this? Do you need our approval in order to write? Is your personality so weak as to demand continual reinforcement? In that case, you probably aren't original enough to write a letter at all. What's wrong with you anyway? Why are you reading this? To Fountainhead: As of this date, I hereby declare that neither the Student Government Associ- ation nor East Carolina University exist, and furthermore, that the SGA Treasurer, Attorney General, Legislature and just about everyone but myself will be transformed magically into hubcaps by the light of the crescent moon. I have worked closely with the Administration on these things, and wanted to make what used to be East Carolina University the best university in the cosmos - but, win a few, lose a few. Sincerely, President, SGA Calomorphic To Fountainhead: Where does the Fountainhead come from? Reader Editor's Note: The initial three letters am French for "stupid The "unta" section Is derived from the German "untaugJich" unsuitable, with "in" meaning "not" as in "incredible" and "ea" being an abbreviation for "each The "h" repre- sents Helios, the sun god, and "d" is an initial for Descartes. Taken together, the components mean "land-of-the-living- confliikes-where-onry-mBny-footed- amoebee-end-tiny-pink-foilides dwett- under-one-great-Spirii Shoeend-our arK?stor-nymphet8-frolicked-quarteriy- rjeneeth-the-moon-of-the-tvarve-teeth The name wee bestowed upon us when several elves, found In en office desk, volunteered to give us a title sure to bring good luck. The first name "Suaquehan- neh" being cumbersome, we settled for the second. Droshky! To Fountainhead: In regards to the letter that never appeared in the last issue, I would like to clear up a few misconceptions of that writer's imagination. Actually, before the pre-historically recorded time of man's appearance on this planet, he had been involved in several extra-curricular and inter-planetary invest- igations of the origin of mud turtles. This amazine species first appeared in the mezo zoic age of bats, mosquitos, enculs and m mm mm gophers, in the high himalayas. And it has been recently proven that the .Abomin-i- able Snowman actually subsisted ona diet of berries, snow cream and mud turtles, found only in the spring when the snows thawed. Therefore, it is only through deep conviction and a troubled consciencethat I must inform B.S. (author the letter which never appeared) that the irace of man has never appeared on the face of this planet because mud turtles, the sole basis for the Snowman's diet, could not survive on the frozen and steep slopes of the Himalayas. When the mud turtles died out, so did the snowmen, wiping out all traces of what could have been mankind. We are all merely figments of some carnivore's imagination and do not, in reality exist on this planet as we would know it, if we existed. Truthfully, Z Intumescing To Fountainhead: As business manager I suggest that we reduce this newspaper to four pages (ads only) hand print it on used butcher paper, rent out our office for use by the Coffee house, Greenville Book Club and Rose High School tennis team, raise the price of cokes in our machine to 50 cents each, pay our typist by the line and hock all furniture except for two file cabinets, in which we can file pictures of streakers for blackmail use (additional cash profit). Also - I need an expense account for the trip you took to the SGA office. Please itemize. Frugally yours, Rick Eutracheata To Fountainhead: As editor of this thing, I've always wanted to write myself a letter. I wrote one once in 72 about how Tyler didn't have any heat, but that was before I got this job. So this is how you do it, eh? Just kind of write words next to each other on paper? This is really sort of fun. Sincerely, Pat Crawford Kalapooia To Fountainhead: We feel we can no longer ignore the horrible decline in the quality of Fountainhead over the last 3 weeks and point out that we had nothing to do with it. Our responsibility ended with the last knisch in sweet-and-sour sauce at the banquet. However, we would like to point out that we have not yet graduated and are prepared to stage a cultural revolution of the old guard if things don't shape up. Darrell Williams Skip Saunders mmmmmm Nerolidol To Fountainhead: It has come to our attention that certain members of your so-called University have objected to the treatment of student leaders at this center of higher learning. After consulting with the highest authority possible, we feel that we aremore than justified in our handling of the situation. Christian morals must stage a comeback, and we feel that the action taken might cause a resurgence of that old time religion. Please be aware that your opinions might warrant an unexpected backlash when lease expected. The Holy Office of the Inquisition Holoptic To Fountainhead: So when are you people going to publish your joke issue? Fayumic? To Fountainhead: As a member of a sorority, a graduate of Rose High School, daughter of an elephant-trainer, distant relative of the SGA President, niece of a Greenville policeman, chairman of a Student Union Committee, and other stuff, I'd like to complain about varied letters and editorials which have appeared in this paper since September. First, Go Greek. Rose High School deserves the tennis courts and we don't and don't you forget it. a reuses are neat, and I think the people who'd want more concerts by the Electric Nose or those other groups are spoilsports. Bill Bodenhamer has done a lot for the SGA - look at all the good stuff he's done for us. Greenville police are nice; take that, letter-writers. And I don't need a foreign language because I'm going to be a stenographer anyway so how about writing editorials about leash laws or useful things? Also, please make the paper big like it used to be and why don't you change the name back to The East Carolinian, what does Fountainhead mean anyway? I had to cancel a subscription home because my parents were shocked by the streaking article. We Wallingfords just raised our hemlines above the calf in 1989, so you can't say we're prurient. So please, no more Electric Noes, and why don't you write a story about all the names of buildings and how they got them? Fanfaron Sirs Is it true that half of the ECU drama dept. is "funny"? I would really dig an answer, fellas. David Thompson Ukiyoe To Fountainhead: O.K. you guys, you've really done it this time. I mean this is going too far, this is really sick. We don't have anything to do with it this time. Redundantly, Tom Clare KenStrayhom Oleo To Fountainhead: It is hard to believe that a student group, like your staff could be in such a position as to grossly misuse (our) student funds in such a pitiful production as this issue of Fountainhead. Like the concern- ed and conscientious student, I am supposed to be, I feel it is my only choice but to speak up against this outrage. I for one am here to study, prepare for my future job so I can earn a good Mvtng, and above all, I am here to make good grades. I'm gonna to it and I'm gonna make it. Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, I can't believe this poor excuse of a newspaper. Not only casting off journ- alism ethics but making asinine fools of themselves at the same time. How can we allow this repeated abuse of our publications? Why with the last ap- pearance of the Buccaneer and its dominating pages of football team pictures and sensational, childish use of sexual themes ? .this is the last straw. I intend to immediately arouse the proper authorities into taking action against the appearance of such a campus publication, or at least to take action against those individuals responsible for this. I believe the editor is responsible for about 40 per cent of this trash-Why? Be- cause ' heard her tell me last night! K.Y.S. Areopagitica To Fountainhead: A preposition is something you don't end a sentence with. Virginia Woolf JanineWallingford SOU3N Zelkova Sirs: Tell Kissinger he didn't say "Mother may I Muhammed Kaddaff i To Fountainhead: The rumor that I take 10 per cent of the top is a lie. I take 15 per cent off the bottom. With Much Money Michael Ertis mm ?-4? 8 HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974 m mm mnm News; yesterday, today and tomorrow Ho (Los Angeles) - 6000 STAR TREK fans are expected to gather at the Marriott Hotel near Los Angeles International Airport on April 12-14 to enjoy the largest collection of STAR TREK memorabilia and stars assembled since the completion of that series. EQUICON 74, the second annual West Coast STAR TREK convention, will host D.C. Fontana, series story editor and script writer, as guest of honor. STAR TREK creator-producer, Gei te Roddenberry and his wife, Majel Barrett (Nurse Chapel in the series) will be special guests. Special features of EQUICON 74 will include live-action and animated episodes of STAR TREK, an auction of series memorabilia, a futuristic fashion show, exhibits of STAR TREK art and props, a banquet, and a STAR TREK costume contest. Membership in the Easter weekend convention is $10 until April 1 and $15 thereafter. A one day membership is $7 and supporting (non-attending) member- ships are $5. Information and membership may be obtained by writing EQUICON 74 at P.O. Box .23127, Los Angeles, Ca. 90023. Twinkie NEW YORKThe International Telephone and Telegraph Company has announced the sale of its Continental Baking division to the Soviet Union. "It's gotten to the point where they've got more wheat than we do ITT poobah Harold S. Geneen said while munching a creme-fiUed cupcake. "Without wheat it's hard to keep the wonder in the Wonder Bread and the twink in the Twinkie Ivan M. Tastycakovich, who will direct the Russian baking operation here said there would be "only a few changes in the product line He said he did not understand the meaning of the word "Twinkie" and would probably rename the product "People's Yellow Cake In addition to an undisclosed amount of cash and Russian jewelry boxes, ITT will receive some assistance from the KGB in its "marketing and intelligence" services as part of the deal. Resurrected According to Reuters, when Antonio Carles Magro went to the registry office in Sao Paulo, to obtain a marriage permit, he learned he had been dead for 24 years. Infuriated, he ran to the police who had been shown a death certificate signed by Carlos' father and a well-known doctor stating Antonio Carlos died at the age of 2. Since corpses cannot be legally wed, the 26 year old Magro had to be officially resurrected before he could be issued a marriage permit for his scheduled wedding. Meanwhile, the police investi- gating the false death certificate ran across two problems-both the doctor and his father are dead-or so their death certificates say. Learn new Language. Ukrainian for Beginners I For Information call: 8446328, 455-2165, 349- 7120, 382 5553, 763-5516. 382- 4071, CE 2-0831 (CPSZNS)-Students using the computer center at the University of Akron wiM no longer be able to use obscene language in giving instructions to the computer. Computer center Director, John Hirschbuhl, said the computer has been programmed to demand an apology if certain four-letter words are used. If the student refused to apologize, said Hirschbuhl, the computer turns itself off. Hazardous Greece's highest court has ruled that sailors who die on shore leave while engaging in sex are the victims of "occupational hazardsand that their families are entitled to full navy pensions. The unusual decision reversed the findings of a lower court. The widow of a Greek sailor, who had collapsed and died of a heart attack while patronizing a Phillippine brothel, sued to receive her husband's pension from the government. The high court, after hearing the woman's pleas, ruled that many sailors on the high seas, away from their families, will naturally be overcome by strong sex urges while visiting foreign ports. The courts added that visits to brothels could be regarded as legitimate "occupational hazards" to such men-and that if they die because of "the need for recreation his family should be fully entitled to the pension. Complications A University of Colorado student was arrested for vandalism after he successfully opened a residence hall door with his foot. The incident occurred one recent Saturday night after a hard night of partying. The student ws bringing his date back to her dormitory, but the process was complicated by the fact that she was so drunk that he had to carry her over his shoulder. The front entrance was locked, and after no one answered his knocks, the student kicked the door. It shattered. Following his arrest, the student said that he had been simply trying to open the door, not break it. His date made no comment. (CPSZNS)-The McDonald's hamburger chain- which boasts of selling more than T3 billion burgers - has become the largest food outlet in America. McDonald's last year sold $1.03 billion worth of "food pushing the chain ahead of the United States Army, which is now the second largest food distributor in America. A recent survey showed that 96 percent of American school children can identify Ronald McDonald, placing him second behind Santa Claus and way ahead of Richard Nixon. Surprize The Free University of Indiana State University has a course that's a little unusual even for an informal school. The title of the course is "Surprise and it accurately described the class sessions. A recent one began with instructor Leon Varijan, dressed in jeans, top hat and tails, announcing that the class was about to play "Crazy for a Day and presiding over the events which followed. Three professed "crazies one in a straight jacket, performed while a group of 15 others dressed in masks and Halloween costumes ran through 4he audience throwing wilted flowers, lollypops and snow. Two film projectors simultaneously presented an assortment of old movies and homemade special features, and someone dressed as a firefighter ran through the aisles with a fire hose. At the end of this, bluebooks were thrown to the audience and they were told to sketch the development of human thought, and define the universe giving three examples. A woman wearing a military jacket and a man with a tire iron patrolled the aisles watching for cheaters Mystery guests, Santa Claus and God, failed to appear for the end of the show, and the class ended with the instructors being chased out by attendants with butterfly nets. INDIANAPOLIS-Julie Nixon Eisen- hower was released from a hospital in a seedy part of town Wednesday,carrying a souvenir coathanger. "I'm so glad it's all over an obviously-relieved Julie said following her release after what Press Secretary Ronald Ziegler called "one of those silly little women's operations "We didn't even have to go to New York-it's so dreary there this time of year Julie noted. "And it would have been so inconvenient. Isn't marriage and American technology simply wonderful Julie said she plans to write about her experience in the April issue of McCaH's. Asked to comment on his wife's operation, David Eisenhower replied, "Whew "You guys won't tell the President, will you?" Eisenhower whimpered. Flush Students at Indiana University in Bloomington have apparently taken to heart the call for energy conservation in ingenious ways. After removing 3,600 fluorescent lights from the university library-a lighting cut of 20 percent-students turned to water conservation in the university union. Under a new plan to be implemented, the fifty public urinals in the union will be synchronized to flush only when the lights are turned on. Ordinarily the urinals automatically flush once every five minutes, whether they're used or not. The new plan should save 7,000 gallons of water a day, according to proponents. Train for the Navy's sky now. If you qualify, you can sign up for Navy Pilot) or our NFOC Program (if you want flight training while you're still in college to be a Flight Officer) can get you into the and be assured of the program you want. Navy sky for an exciting, challenging career. Our AOC Program (if you want to be a For more details, see your Navy Recruiter. Be someone special. Fly Navy. See The Navy Officer Information Team - Student Union -1-5 April. Programs available in Aviation, Nt 'ear Propulsion, Medicine, Law and others I-34 Indoctrination Flinhts Available By In recer ECU have )roblems st owards a c 3ne of tri idministrati lecline in i las necess iormitories egarding "o xme under Bcent montl Last wee it their anr nesting at neeting was ;hairman, M )f business nent, by all Jenkin's plar I976. .and' Mas made I 3resident of vllliam Frid jet down to A commit ago whose current decli land make rec problem migl (the committ Lemons gi By! The day is lemon will ha world in fresh strongly to n rened If it's touch of lemo market today floor wax, fu detergent, conditioners, shampoos, he air fresheners facial cleanser the actual pro mess - thelem The day ij entire earth w yellow film of I a gas station: "Yes, sir. I "Yeah, fill touch of lemoi Or ordering "Uh, yes O'Lemmon coc mmm mmm mmm University in ently taken to conservation in jorescent lights ?a lighting cut of rned to water sity union, e implemented, ie union will be when the lights y the urinals ce every five ised or not. e 7,000 gallons to proponents. HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974 9 ? Housing problems: a missing commode ie Nixon Eisen- i a hospital in a lesday, carrying a all over an aid following her Secretary Ronald those silly little 3 to go to New re this time of 1 it would have n't marriage and iply wonderful d write about her sue of McCall's. on his wife's ihower replied, ie President, will sred. ByGREGORIOSNURD Staff Writer In recent months administrators of ECU have had to face a number of roblems stemming from the current trend owards a decline in student enrollment. Dne of the major concerns of the administration has been the subsequent Jecline in on-campus residency, which las necessitated the closing of some Jormitories. The question of policy egarding "off campus" residency has also xxne under some strong consideration in ?cent months. Last week housing administrators met it their annual luncheon and business Tieeting at the Crow's Nest, where the neeting was called to order by housing chairman, Melvin Schwartz.The first topic )f business was a unanimous endorse- tient, by all present, of Chancellor Leo Jenkin's plan to seek the Governorship in 1976 .and 1980 .and A second motion Mas made by a representative of the 3resident of the consolidated university, Villiam Friday, that the meeting should jet down to serious business. A committee was formed some weeks ago whose purpose was to study the current decline of on campus residency, and make recommendations as to how the problem might be aleviated. Speaking for the committee, Rev. Linwood Mullens offered a number of proposed improvements. 1) To enable students to get from dormitory to classroom buildings quicker .a proposed mono-rail system to be built linking the campus facilities. The building now used for a laundry facility which is to be vacated soon, will be renovated into a modem station-house for the mono-rail. It will be conveniently located beside the bell tower. (Which is currently being used as a smoke stack.) 2) Proposed installation of "water beds air conditioning, and wall-to-wall ? carpet in dorm rooms. 3) Maid service for those desiring it. 4) A swimming pool to be built where the garden in Scott Dorm presently existsto be stocked in the fall and winter months with trout for fishing. 5) Gold privileges at a proposed par-three golf course to be built where the mall currently is. 6) Vacated Slay Dorm has been purchased by the "No Tell -Hotel" chain, and is to be converted into a modem motor hotel offering reduced rates to students, and their guests on special weekends. (Rev. Mullens hastened to add that he had been strongly opposed to this measure being taken, and felt it was his moral obligation to the citizens of Greenville to oppose it.) Lemons Such as conditions are, housing problems are certainly not confined to the University alone. A story came to this reporter's attention this week regarding the "off campus" situation, and bears repeating to point out the lack of communication that exists between landlords and students; Recently a newly married couple, Mr. and Mrs. Billy B. Griffin, enrolled at ECU and were looking for a house in the Greenville area. They soon found one, moved in and were relatively satisfied with their new home. Upon closer examination however, Mrs. Griffin discovered the bathroom commode was missing. Gen- uinely disturbed, she proceeded to write the landlord a letter in which she referred to their missing facility, by using the initials B.C. instead of writing the whole word out. The landlord unfortunately misinterpreted the initials as meaning "Baptist Church" and replied in the following manner. Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but now take great pleasure in informing you that the B.C. is located nine miles from your home and is capable of seating 250 people. This is very unfortunate indeed if you are in the habit of going regularly. But no doubt, you will be interested to know a great many people take their lunch and make a day of it. The last time my wife and I went was two years ago, and we had to stand the whole time. It may interest you to know a supper has been planned to raise more money to buy more seats. I personally would like to say that it bothers me not to be able to go more often, but its surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more and more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. Hope to see you there soon. Very truly yours, Your landlord And additional complaints or sug- gestions regarding the housing pro- blem. . .will not be welcome, and anyone attempting to make and efforts to improve the current situation will be subject to expulsion from the University. gnats eyelash ByKAHILKUMQUAT Staff Writer The day is coming soon when a little lemon will have completely smothered the ?world in freshness. Today the trend leans ?strongly to nearly anything lemon-fresh- fened If it's organic, and if it has that I touch of lemon, it sells! To note: On the market today we have lemon-freshened floor wax, furniture polish, dishwashing detergent, fabric softeners, fabric conditioners, clothes-washing detergents, shampoos, hair conditioners, hair rinces, air fresheners, salad dressings, make-up, facial cleansers, you name; not to mention the actual product that inspired the whole mess - thelemon. The day is not so distant when the entire earth will be enveloped in a thick yellow film of lemon. Imagine pulling in to a gas station: "Yes, sir. May I help you?" "Yeah, fill 'er up with regular, and add a touch of lemon for freshness Or ordering a meal: "Uh, yes - we'll start with the Lilt O'Lemmon cocktail and the lady would like the roast duck garnished with lemon wedges and a salad with lemon dressing. I'll have the Citron Bisque and boiled lemon This all said while sitting at a secluded table for two exuding a thick lemon odor; a combination of Loving Lemon perfume, Dandy Lemon aftershave, and Lemony Lemon air freshener. Or maybe during a church service: as the minister solemnly proceeds up the aisle with boat and censer gently spilling trails of smoke, the scent which reaches you is no bitter, pungent incense, but the sweet, fresh smell of the lemon. My capitalist colleagues and I have been pulled into the lemon rage and are looking forward to a day in the very near future when our own contribution will be put on the shelves of great American supermarkets. This product called "A Lot of Lemon" undoubtedly will be universally popular; it will be packaged in a bright, yellow and white bio-degradable box measuring about three inches square. The product itself will be wrapped in cellophane (to preserve freshness of course), before containing it in its adorable box. Consumers, no doubt, will be most pleased with the usefulness of "A Lot O'Lemon It can be used for everything than any other lemon freshened product can be used for - and more. As a matter of fact our product can be used for ? Riggan Shoe ? : Repair Shop : ? ,? ? ? ? 111W. Fourth ? Downtown Greenville : m anything. And at much less the cost than if you were to buy every other product individaully. I should of course mention that the ingredients are also completely organic, completely bio-degradable. As to the exact date the product will reach the shelves I can say that the bright white and yellow boxes, and the cellophane wrappers are ready now, and I'm certain that it will only be a matter of about a week for packaging after we receive our first shipment .of lemons. EAST CAROLINA 'FISH HOUSE COUNTRY' GO PIRATES IN WASHINGTON Drive a Little and Eat a Lot! FILET Ftoundei ALL YOU CAN EAT ODDER SWEET FUB Clams $9: 419 West Main St. QBE TeteBhHt 9461301 io HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974 mtmmmtm m0mmmm Few King Schmuck A las, a fable In the round THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF AZURE By BORIS GHOUL Staff Writer This story is entirely fictional, any similarity between these characters and actual persons or actual facts is purely coincidental AND A DIRTY SHAME. Once upon a time in the year 123 BC a man named PER lived in a country called Azure. Since he was the king of this country it was only fitting that the country be included in part of his name. He thought of various combinations but he had come down to a last resore: Azure- PER. He still didn't like this name so a court page suggested the name Blue-Per, since everyone knows Azure is a shade of blue, so why not Blue-Per? So it was all over the domain, the people screamed out "Hail King Blue-Per "Long live King Blue-Per that is all but a few. The leader of these few was convinced that he should be king so he proclaimed himself, "Almost Few-King King Blue-Per decided that in order to preserve the praise that he got from mindless dolts that he would do. something so that the people could always remember his name, so he established his Blue-Per chariot system. This chariot system consisted of two chariots costing 10,000 Lire each. What many didn't know was that King Blue-Per had taken a . backkickso as not to be confused with a kickback) from the chariot maker in order to supply the royal private treasury. King Blue-Per was often heard saying, "We have the most efficient chariot system in the world (HA HA) King Blue-Per had his own personal chariot with the license plate "Blue-U which was his middle initial. The money went to the "I Like King Blue-Per" campaign (which was not going very well). One of the Azurites that knew of King Blue-Per's activities was Almost Few- King, the royal money man who was lovingly referred to by his followers as "Schmuck Few-King Schmuck was loyal to Azurites and wanted to see King Blue-Per's injustices exposed. Few-King Schmuck's interest was intensified by finding that King Blue-Per was going to sell the hole-in-the-ground business to a friend in order to receive another SG-ha Bulletin By VICTOR BUMPERSHOOT Staff Writer The ECU Student Give-a-Hoot Association (SG-ha) announced today that the legislature meeting held Monday did not exist because SG-ha President Sam Slingleheimer's mind was not present but had taken leave to contemplate the choosing of the next basketball coach. A total of 38 bills were introduced before the legislature only to be quickly declared "invalid" by Slingleheimer because he did not recognize SG-ha Treasurer Spike (Alphonso) Spustis' signature on the bills. "Besides, I haven't received my traveling expenses to Raleigh, Washing- ton, D.Cetcetcyet Slingle- heimer stated, "I'm going to have to impeach that boy out of MY administration if he don't start gettin' on the ball In other exciting and action-packed SG-ha news, President Slingleheimer announced that all funds were frozen until further notice. It seems that he accidentally dropped the only surviving copy of the SG-ha budget into the ice cream truck while trying to decide which flavor he wanted. (The ice cream truck happened to have "Your fees at work" on the back.) Slingleheimer announced, however, that emergency funds would be appropriated to such organizations as the Kumquat League of Fig Harvesters, the Federation of Do-gooders and the Keep Old Maid Alive Card Club to get them through the hard times they are having. SG-ha coverage will continue just as soon as the SG-ha comes back into existence, or has it ever been in existence? RESEARCH Thousands of Topics $2.75 per page Send for your up-to-date, 160-page, mail order catalog. Enclose $1.00 to cover postage (delivery time is 1 to 2 days). RESEARCH ASSISTANCE, INC. 11941 WILSHIRE BLVD SUITE 2 LOS ANGELES,CALIF 90025 (213) 477 8474 or 477 5493 Our research material is sold for research assistance only. backkick. The hole-in-the-ground busi- ness was a necessity for many Azurites, because that's where they kept all th eir perishable foods and things that they wanted to stay cold. One of King Blue-Per's closest friends, Poinson-NBC had done a good job in cleaning up the hole-in-the-ground business, (which often got muddy) but he too was being used by King Blue-Per. Few King Schmuck was powerless to publicly stop King Blue-Per, but privately he stopped the hole-in-the-ground deal. Alas as soon as he had stopped it, there gel I upon the realm a new problem- the royal decrees on progress. King Blue-Per decided that since he was doing such a good job that he would send out a progress decree to all of his subjects. However, he was faced with the problem of how to send them out since Few-King Schmuch was totally against it. King Blue-Per said to Few King Schmuck "Few King, I will have the royal axeman cut off your head if you do not send out the decrees Few King decided to mess up the King's head with his reply: "May a camel slowly relieve himself on your throne With this King Blue-Per stormed out of the royal chamber screaming, "I am the king, the king, the king This problem finally went before the Royal Board of Wizards which, decided for Almost Few-King Schmuck. This made King Blue-Per furious and he appealed to the only power higher in the world, the Royal Master of Fire and Wind. The Royal Master lowed King Blue-Per and without batting an eyelash he said "follow the decision of King Blue-Per And so it was. The Royal Decrees would have been sent out except for many outraged subjects who protested after finally leaming some of the backdoor politics the King played. The king feared them after they made banners and put them all ovia the kingdom saying "Down with Kir Blue-Per and "Death to King Blue-Per.n General Ulysses S. Lee, another r King Blue-Per's right hand men, cand rushing to the Royal Palace one nigf? exclaiming: "Your majesty, many of yoi subjects have gone mad and are running M the streets clad only in their birthd suits e "Well let's hasten to watch them tr0 king said (being a bit of a voyeur). "Before we go said Ulysses, "drink F this "What is it?" asked the king takir the silver goblet in his hand. s "It is power your majesty, the sweeter- flavor in the world said the general wr had drunk too much of this already. " "Power, power the king exclaimed he drank not ont gobletfull, but si goblet sful I. Quickly Kng Blue-Per and the hastened to the site of the Rites of Spri celebration. The subjects were frolicki merrily in the streets watching m charioteers race up the Appain Way "Power, Power was all the kir could say as he mingled among h subjects. He was so powerdrunk that h subjects turned away in revulsion. "Look at our king they exclaimed i one another as slowly every eye fell upc King Blue-Per. "Power, power he said again ar again as the subjects began to do; around him in a mounting rage. "Kill our disgraceful fake of a king shouted his subjects as they move toward him. And so it was King Blue-Pe the powerdrunk autocrat was ironical killed by four kumquats thrown out nearby boarding house window. ' Moral: Kings care or. of themselv?) and don't care if you do rot, but watch king run and hide his head in shame whc faced with four kumquats. ' ????? BIGGS DRUG STORE ACROSS FROM COURTHOUSE FLASH EQUIPMENT OF ALL KINDS FILM PROCESSING CAMERA CHECK-UP FREE DELIVERY : "Guiness' well known ft feats, skills a about the re contains fa regarding les; of these feats The World Cline Bellow the circus1 an doesn't have miss. The Worlc Buzz Worthin miles. Buzzc over a loekee it. The Worlc also by Buzz The Worlc Bo( The East division has for athletes. Know You've When A few exei You know when you ha button of youi You know when you w spinning and asleep on yoi You know when you t girlfriend's m exact change You know when you ar sound of y envelope. Ex-g Sont is dc Ex-footbal reported doini Virginia. All too, accord in Old Sonn pro. His wife gave parties f she always I black players' And we all excited about new car, givei who thought restraining hii Cavaliers, rigl The press from Sonny c went somethii tight on game a tookpick sledgehamme ???????? mmm mmmmmm mm nummmwum a Dut them all ov?a town with Kir King Blue-Per.n Lee, another r and men, can? alace one nigr9 ty, many of yoi nd are running r i their birthd e vatch them t ?voyeur), llysses, "drink f d the king takir iTKJ. s sty, the sweete' the general wr is already. " ng exclaimed i letfull, but s and the gener ) Rites of Sprir were frolickir, watching nut jpain Way. as all the kir ed among h erdrunk that h jvulsion. ey exclaimed i ry eye fell upc said again ar )egan to clc rage. ake of a king s they move i King Blue-Pe was ironical thrown out xtow. f of themselv?) ot, but watch in shame whe L?? 1 mmmmmm wmm HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974 ii Sports Guiness'book has additions "Guiness' World Book of Records" is well known for its recorded abundance of feats, skills and facts. A little known fact about the record book is that it also contains facts, figures and names regarding lesser accomplishments. A few of these feats follow: The World Worst Circus Act belongs to Cline Bellow who jumps from the top of the circus' arena on to a unicycle which doesn't have a seat, and he prefers to miss. The World's Worst Streak belongs to Buzz Worthington who once ran nude 14 miles. Buzz completed his trip by jumping over a locked turnstile .almost making it. The World's Loudest Scream is held also by Buzz Worthington. The World's Worst Cruise is held by Thor Nytol who attempted to sail across the Red Sea on a hollow log just to prove than an Egyptian can drown just as easily as the next guy. The World's Worst Invention is a tie. George Peach invented teflon-coated underwear and Robert Wire invented a nuclear-powered floor mop. Mr. Wire's invention failed miserably, because it cost 17 million dollars. The World's Worst quote belongs to Dr. Opps Ortega. The doctor had just transplanted the brain of a young calf into the thoracic cavity of a 12-year old boy. Ortega commented, "I'll do anything for a laugh The World's Worst Photograph is an 8 x 10 of WECU's Alan Dehmer graduating from the Durwood Kirby School of Announcing. Booklet 'pub lished The East Carolina Sports Medicine division has published a special booklet for athletes. The publication is titled "You Know You've Had Too Much To Drink When A few exerpts from the booklet follow: You know you've had too much to drink when you have trouble buttoning the last button of your pajamas, and its your navel. You know you've had too much to drink when you wake up and your head is spinning and you found out that you fell asleep on your stereo turntable. You know you've had too much to drink when you toss a quarter into your girlfriend's mouth and then you kiss the exact change basket. You know you've had too much to drink when you are rudely awakened by the sound of your neighbor licking an envelope. Ex-grid coach Sonny Randle is doing well Ex-football coach Sonny Randle is reported doing just fine at the University of Virginia. All the players hate him there too, according to latest information. Old Sonny had a great career as a pro. His wife got into the act too. She gave parties for the player's wives, except she always lost the invitations for the black players' wives. Tsk, tsk. And we all remember how Sonny got so excited about his new job that he drove his new car, given to him by Pirate supporters who thought there was a slim chance of restraining him from leaving to coach the Cavaliers, right off the road. The press was always told to stay away from Sonny on game day. The usual line went something like this: "Randle gets so tight on game day that you couldn't knock a tookpick up his &i with a sledgehammer You know you've had too much to drink when you shatter your eardrums by biting into Jello. You know you've had too much to drink when your wife makes you sleep in the bathrom because your nose serves as a perfect nightlight. You know you've had too much to drink when you try starting your car by blowing into the ignition .and you succeed. New name In response to the demands of East Carolina University's large female sector, Pirate athletic director Clarence Stasavich, today acknowledged that, in future women's swimming meets, the 50-yard breastroke would be renamed "the 50-yard mammary gland stroke "It seems Stasavich confessed, "that these women feel that the word 'breast' has a purient connotation, especially when used in the same sentence with a word such as 'women "Personally, I don't feel that way about breasts Stasavish continued. "Hell, to me all this renaming business just looks like a case of tat for tit Large female spokeswoman Bertha Plantation felt otherwise. "The East Carolina University woman has too long been considered as merely a sex object she claimed, "this view of our women by the men is ridiculous WRONG ANDERSON IS SHOWN HERE reading to Dr. Lao Jenkins armounoamant that Anderson would be named to the football staff of Pat Dye. Anderson cc wanted, "We occasionally cut off Butch Strawderman's fingernails and smoke them New coach named New East Carolina head football coach Pat Dye recently announced that he has raised his new staff to 48. The most recent addition was Wrong Anderson who was hired exclusively for the purpose of serving as assistant coach in charge of helping second string linebackers pass library science. Dye drawled, "Weeeeeee armrmr quite pleazed to have a man of Wrong s calibre join the staff. He is a welcomed relief Anderson, 25, comes to East Carolina from Blackpool, England where he Netters render service In response to a plea from Chancellor Leo W. Jenkins,East Carolina University Athletic Director Clarence Stasavich has ordered the Pirate tennis team to be on "Red Alert" for the expected locust attack on Greenville next week. "That's fine with me said Stasavich. "Now we can cancel the tennis schedule and pour more money into football Jenkins reportedly asked Stasavich to have the tennis team man their racquets, operating on the theory that the locusts would be swatted from the sky. "They weren't contributing anything towards the Commissioner's Cup anyway said Stasavich. The intramural office has just announced the donation of the champion Kappa Sigma badmitton team to aid in the protection of Greenville. coached for eight years at Morgan University. Many sports experts criticized his style of play and many thought him to be thick as a brick. He was especially inept at winding his team up for those big benefit performances and at Morgan University he coached his first All-England, Gerald Bostock. In May of 1973 Anderson decided to visit America and he and his band of four assistant coaches loved the country and they wanted to stay and coach over here. So Anderson hooked on at ECU and the other four are still searching. Anderson is married to the former "cross-eyed" Mary Pawtucket and they have one child, Jeffrey, aged 28. Anderson's coaching philosophy is an odd one in that his ability to communicate with the players is often hidden behind obscure and bizarre signals. Said Anderson, "Football is a difficult game to watch, therefore it should be aa hard possible for the players on the field Sonny Randle wears Indian underwear. They are always creepin' up on him. mm mttmm m ? ii mm mm m m m 12 HEADVOL. 5, NO. 442 APRIL 1974 mmm P mmnm Jacqueinks EAST CAROLINA FOOTBALL COACH Pat Dye was elated following the signing of Georgia's Duhmn Jaoque, shown hers at a high school practice, was one of the most sought after student-athletes In America. Dye said that Jacque will be a tremendous addition to the Pirate squad as soon as he learns how to write his name. NAME: Duhmn Jacque HOMETOWN: Decatur City, Georgia HEIGHT AND WEIGHT: 6'4380 lbs. POSITION: slow tackle INTENDED MAJOR: Undecided FAVORITE FOOD: beans and liver FAVORITE ACTRESS: Phyllis Diller FAVORITE SONG: Green-eyed Lady HOBBIES: building sandcastlee WHY ECU? the folks here sure are nice Well I'm all for leaving and that being done, I've put in a request to take up my turn In that forsaken paradise that calls itself Hell, Where no one has nothing and nothing is well Meaning fool, pick up thy bed and rise, Up from your gloom smiling. Give me your hate and do as the loving heathen do. Jack Rabbit mister, spawn a new breed Of hungry-loving pilgrims, no bodies to feed. Show me a good man and I'll show you the door, The last hymn is sung and the devil cries more. FREE IncomeTax Assistance Sponsor: ECU Accounting Society Race: Wright Annex 305 Wnen: Feb. 1-15; March 5- April15 Time: MonFri 36; Sat 10-12 SHONEY S DIG BOY UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT SAVE $.60 m ? ii III ?? IMl This Coupon Good for one slice freshly made Strawberry pie with any combinationor dinner order Expires April 30. us i?uhwipi?w LOOKING FOR A CONTACT LENS? NO! Reggie Plckney watches helplessly as the first of his teammates succumb to that most dreaded of all football diseases-Tullianism. It has been feared that the passion filled play of the "Wild Dogs" would lead to this. STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Now is the time for you to get involved in Student Publications. The following positions are available: 1. Editor of the 1974 Student Handbook. 2. Editor of the 1974 ? 75 Buccaneer, Fountainhead, and Rebel publications. 3. membership on the East Carolina University Publications Board which governs all student sponsored publications 4. Publications Board Photographer. Applications for these positions may be filed in the office of the Dean of Student Affairs through Friday April 5th. Screenings will be held in April. mem mmmm mtmm