EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY GREENVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA LAMPCCON Fountainblah Serving it up to the ECU group for quite awhile N.C. voters say ‘yes’ *%. to Lee O. Jenkins N.C. is in good hands now that I’m in charge according to newly elected Gov, tee O. Jenkins at the recent swearing in ceremonies in Raleigh Jenkins won a landslide victory when all the remaining candidates dropped out of the race from lack of interest. Jenkins’ closest opponent, Vino Delopisio, withdrew from the ballot when it was learned his family deli business was in trouble “My best short order cook quit and left us in a tight spot,” said Delopisio. “I! had to set priorities. The deli meant more than running for governor Jenkins new plan for improving N.C. was announced at his inauguration The first thing I'll do as governor will be to bring my Greenville associates from ECU to the state capital to help run the state,” said Jenkins These capable people helped me run ECU and will be of great assistance to me at the state level.” FOUNTAINBLAH has_ learned that ECU Director of Security will become the new State Attorney. Joe Balder, presently the ECU Security Director, said his new position will afford him the opportunity to get people he could not touch as head of the campus police According to sources in the police department the list of people Balder wants to get include: Sam Ervin (Richard Nixon was Balder’s boyhood idol); Greenville Police Chief E. G. Gunnem (Gunnem was too soft with the student Halloween rioters- none were shot): and FOUNTAINBLAH Editor Mike Taylor (Taylor is the prime suspect in a severe outbreak of ulcers among his staff members). Jenkins believes he can best serve N.C by threatening to run for President every time his programs don't pass the legislature. “Do you think that the people of N.C. want someone like myself representing the state at the national level, well, you bet your ass they don't,” said Jenkins “This way |’m assured success here in N.C.” “This state is in sad enough shape and | can't do any more harm," said Jenkins. “My first plan as governor will be to make sure that every high school has a Med School “This will insure N.C. will not be asspiring VOL. 51, NO. 47 1 APRIL 1976 Everthing in this issue is a lie and you should not believe a word of it - if you don’t want to! shining sleek cheeks of his constituents. When it comes to vg oa votes at rallies, Lee O. Jenkins has all his supporter, athletic and otherwise, getting the govemors brown-nosed' attention. short of doctors and will also give every jocal paper throughout the state some issue to beat into the ground.” Jenkins, reflecting on his new important role, said that he owes it all to his “good looks and grasp of the issues.’ Chiseler, Dorkton indicted for hanky panky Student Government Association treasurer, and Dr. Jack Dorkton, SGA financial advisor, were indicted last Friday morning on charges of attempting to defraud the SGA of more than $100,000 Larry Chiseler, A Grand Jury consisting of eignt black women and a Jew handed down the indictment in Federal District Court in New Bern. A dead-or-alive warrant was immediately issued for the couple, last seen entering the local office of the Eastern Gay Alliance SGA President Jimmy Hunneycatt expressed shock upon hearing of the allegations “| never ever doubted that Larry was an honest boy,” Honeycatt cried, “but | always wondered why he and Dorkton Fountainblah eye sore of ue week EYE SORE OF THE WEEK--Ronald Rag-on, national leader of is shown congratulating the elite “500” club. This club is composed of TKE members who tne to TKE by-laws, saved 500 canines from severe abdominal ges The Kennei Enemas [TKE], the Tri Pigs. by administering them enm-mas Members of the “500” club yh were each presented with the coveted “Golden Bag”. Some of the breeds saved by the TKE’s this year in the Greenville area from that deadly disaster - gas - were the Chi Omaggots and were always complimenting each others figures.” Greenville Police Chief Glen Gunnem said he had 200 riot equipped National Guardsmen and jocal peace officers on the lookout for the duo at Happy Hour last Friday. “We were unable to smoke out the suspecis that afternoon, but | assure you we'll stick to our guns in this search,” Gunnem barted. The indictment charges the two with conspiracy to defraud the SGA treasury of more than 75 per cent of their available funds last December. Sources within the investigation believe that because Chiseler got cold feet in late December the couple's plan to abscond to Costa Rica with the stolen funds was called off Chiseler’'s budget report to the Legislature in January accounted for the missing $100,000. His offical excuse to the legislators for losing the money was “total incompetence on my part ” “| might be dumb for making tne error, but FOUNTAINBLAH is a complete ass for thinking I’m an idiot,” Chiseler squealed to Speaker Atany Price shortly before the January session Price, during that session,repeatedly ruled “out of order’ a bill sponsored by Mag Wheels, chairman of the Appropria- tions Committee, that called for a Math Lab Tutor to teach Chiseler how to count to ten After that Wheels confessed stormy January session, to FOUNTAINBLAH that he has not pressed the issue because Chiseler was threatening to pledge Sigma Nu Fraternity Newly elected SGA rresigem tit Sullivan, who was finally found sucking on a chocolate filled donut in Krispy Kreme at 3:00 a.m. Tuesday, nad only one comment on the indictment: “Larry and Jack are okay fellows. | just wish that they would take crime (and each other) more seriously FOUNTAINBLAH/VOL. 51, NO. 47/1 APRIL 1976 ORT aR, Edi forials/Commentary UN Dear § Ple droppi for the now upgrad think w | ' Appala schedu Ele cor Dear Ed recent e Ck Dear Edi Conce Sullivan comment | reac campaigr scared th does this of George those pro salaries saying. A students for that importan governme interest of political a to keep perspectiv YOU Cé already do x FOUNTAINBLAH/VOL. 51, NO. 47/1 APRIL 1976 heForumM hae 2 Jenkins endorsed eat 1 would like te endorse the nicest | know for governor , No, not smiling Jimmy Hunt--none other thar ur own Leo Jenkins an say without bias or any other sideration beyond my _ love )f ernment that this man will truly d¢ the best for our state. | mean, it would be the first time that the state would ave a governor with a genuine Jersey accent, which would definitely be ar improvement over the past governor wh Jo the Shake and Bake ATV Sincerely Mrs. Leo Jenkins Basketball note ar Ed Sorry to read about the demise of the ECU basketball team this past year. Just when things were going so great then all f a sudden things are not going sc great Tom Quinn UNC drops ECU Dear Editor Please tell Leo for me that we are dropping your “team” from our schedule for the next 50 years. Nothing personal now, just the fact that we want to upgrade our schedule some and don't think we can do it with teams like yours | mean, a team that loses to Appalachian has no business on our schedule Thanks, Bill Dooley Election comment Dear Editor | nave only one comment on the OH FART recent elections Brandon Tise EQUAL TIME: After making fun of a lot of other people around campus, it is only fair that the paper take at least one shot at itself. So, the above cartoon is printed in the name of fair play, and little else. The cartoon was discovered slipped under the Fountainhead office door early in the schoo! year. A fingerprint examination revealed that the cartoon came from Mendenhall, second Heet. But, the exact author is unknown although the paper has several good guesses who might have penned such a total unlikeness of the paper's revered editor So much for fair play Chancellorhas comments for president Dear Editor Concerning the election of one Tim Sullivan, | would like to make a few comments | read with interest Mr. Sullivan's campaign material and to be honest it scared the hell out of me. | mean, who does this student think he is, the rebirth of George Wallace. | could not believe all those promises -stuff like cutting student salaries, sounds like what Wallace was saying. And then this thing about putting students first. Let me tell you, | am all for that, as long as there is nothing else important to put first like state government, local government, the interest of the big businessmen, my Own political ambitions. | mean Tim, we have to keep proper perspective You can’t change everything. | have already done it. | hope you will drop by things in their my office so we can get a few things straight To begin with, | don't want you making any waves this year. | mean it is an election year and some people around here have aspiration for higher office Not me mind you, but some do And listen, we don’t want to make waves cause it will get us bad PR. and, that is all those people in Charlotte want sometning to hold against us. The first riot we have on campus they will try and take my med school back. And, rest assured Tim, | will let nothing stand in the way of my med school, nothing, not even a pay raise for state teachers Like | said, please come by to see ne. | have an offer you can't refuse, like maybe a special parking place of you wr and an office and = everythn Please don’t think this is a bribe. Lets just call it a fnendiy gesture among friends, or something like that Looking forward t ur first onfrontatior mean meeting Sincerely Primary results shock NC Governor Dear Editor | would like to take this opportunity to express my great shame of the GOP voters in this state. | mean, what the hell are you people trying to do, ruin my chances of a big win in Washington as one of those pointy-headed bureaucrats George Wallace is always talking about That is just what you did last week when you gave Ronnie Reagan more votes than Jerry Ford. | simply can't believe that my own state stabbed me in the employment back. Just when Jerry says | might be VP, or even a high official in his next kingdom, then you people turn around and don't even give old Jerry more votes than Ronnie Lec Well, | hope you people are satisfied | might as well go back to Boone and start my law practice up again. | had r counted on D.C. in the Springtime, now | have to settle for Boone in the winter which is cold as you know what Sincerely Jimmy Holshouser FEATURES 4 FOUNTAINBLAH/VOL. 51, NO. 47/1 APRIL 1976 Famed shrink says death stunts growth By ANNABEL LEE PUTZY Staff Concubine In keeping with the national mood of blue EZU’s yahoo chancellor, Leo O. Jenkins has announced bicentennial resolutions for the “Great School of the East’ patriotism, true 1. Each morning, at 7:76, there will be mandatory jail meeting in all dorms During these hall meetings, the Pledge of Allegiance will be recited, a recording of Kate Smith's rendition of “God Bless America” will be played full-blast, and each student will be required, in turn, to deliver a 500-word essay, “What Pinetops Means to Me”. (Jenkins said anyone failing to participate will become part of the weekly campus bonfire rally.) 2. All students will be encouraged to bring back to life those things that made America What it is today. (Examples: go on Welfare, not, commit high treason, break into the Pitt County International Democratic Headquarters, or move to Canada.) 3. In a sentimental look at EZU’s illustrious past, there will be a week celebrated when the campus will be as it was 50 years ago. The UNC Board of Governors is presently accepting bids for the job of demolishing Brewster, Speight, Minges, all the women’s dorms, and so forth and so on. Students are packing up in preparation for their trip home, while muttering “Does this mean | can get out of my dorm contract?” 4. Preceding “campus week”, “Joisey week” will be celebrated. At that time, all students from New Jersey will be given tenure as professors in the department of their choice. Preparations for this event have been delegated by Jenkins to his college roommate, Giovanni “Bugsy” Ravioli, a “business executive from Passaic, New Jersey. 5. While reenactments of the Battle of Bunker Hill and the Boston Tea Party take place in New England, EZU’s most famous revolution will also be given an instant replay. The reenactments of the first and second annual Halloween riots have gained such notoriety that ABC has purchased exclusive television rights, and Howard Cosell has volunteered to play both a policeman and 500 students. 6. The drama department has hired Neil Simon, William Wyler, and a newcomer named Bill Shakespeare to collaborate with students on a Bicentennial pageant entitled “Red, White, and Blue”, OR: ARE YOUA TURTLE? By ERNEST HEMINGWAY Creature Writer Margaret, a registered nurse at General County Hosptial, has been married to Tom for over twenty years, and they have a daughter, Sandy, who is a sophomore at General County University Margaret, who has begun to find a young surgeon on the staff attractive, is unaware that her husband, who is a lawyer, is having an affair with his secretary, Jennifer, who is married to a policeman Sandy (the daughter) is engaged to Bob, a veterinian, who is dating the sister of the doctor whom Sandy's mother finds attractive. However, Sandy has met Brad, a guy at college who is really not a student; he is a secret agent from U.S. Government Official (?) Chow and Dope Administration, and finds herself falling in love with him. Confused, she begins taking nerves tranquilizers to help calm her "HEALTH TIP ie HEAD’S PHARMACY For all your drug needs | * OUR PRESCRIPTIONS )>\ ARE SO POWERFUL You HAVE TO BE IN PERFECT HEALTH TO TAKE THEM. WAY T0 AVOID CATCHING COLDS IS TO STOP DRINKING OUT OF DAMP GLASSES.” . Meanwhile, Jennifer (the secretary) discovers that she is pregnant. Since her husband, Steve, is sterile, she knows that the father of her baby is Tom. BUT, unknown to her, Tom has had a vasectomy. (Well, miracles do happen...) So, when she tells Tom, he wants her to have an abortion, and, being a good lawyer (which does come in handy, by the way) wins the argument and arranges the abortion In the meantime, Sandy has advanced into dope and is arrested by Brad for possession of marijuana. Margaret, her mother, almost collapses. Although Tom is concerned, he is more concerned with more important things (arranging the abortion at the hospital so his wife won't find out). Margaret, getting no emotional support from her husband, turns to Carl, the doctor When Jennifer goes for the abortion, Tom goes with her. The surgeon is Carl, and the surgical nurse is a girl named Cathy. However, at the last minute, Cathy becomes sick and Margaret is : “THE BEST assiqned to take her place After the abortion is over, which left Jennifer very weak, Margaret sees Tom leaning over her stretcher, screams, and has a nervous breakdown. Tom has a heart attack, and Jennifer continues to become weaker Sandy, who escaped from jail, was run over by a car, and was rushed to the hospital In the midst of all the confusion, Steve walks in and (continued on page 13). Communists, Bigots, and Dead Babies 7. SGA President, Tim Sullivan will deliver a speech on the mail, entitled, ‘| Love the Fountainhead, and all that it stands for’ Cludiay strikes... Fraternity inteflect | Shirley Temple AUNT MARTHA’S TRADING POST > We buy used furniture and junk *K Wesell rare antiques SPOIL LODO OO Located (this week) at Intersection of highways 302 & 14 in Bareass, N.C. sie JO} Jor 5iq SI 40} ure} 0} | 104 yoot WO e Bt 1,0 4s uo } inoq youry 161 e aq sly 3 Jaye Aoqm }ua}S LON snon} poop pease} (I Nes ied, “I FOUNTAINBLAH/VOL. 51, NO. 47/1 APRIL 1976 u ssee iNOA uO sjmeugo} pue ‘Buippnd unoA ul seusejahe Jo} pesedaid ag “yBnoy} ‘Buiwem auO Japiog 84} JO YINOS LO) SeWOO asudns Big yey} ueYyM ‘judy ul end) Ajjeloadse Ss! siy} pue ‘ueveyiBes AjjyBuds au} JO} 801jUO Big aUuO Si ay :‘SNIYVLLIOWS AjyeAou Sdoos} au} ulepajua {IM O1di0NG jeI00S NG ‘UMO} 0} sje6 pireny jeuoieN ay) fou 9aq e se Asng aq |j,NOA “‘OIdu0Og jUuBOSaNejo JO} YJUOW JeaiaUeA e SI |UdY :O1dHOOS ‘asiyoues UOWLUISJEd B JO LUO} 34} Ul yoouy jim Ajiunyoddg “yjyuOW siy} en} @WOO |[IM S80} INOA YM Buidejd seere0o e Bure jo weep awii}9j!| INOA : WHat ‘auaymAue NoA MO}|Oj 1|,0UM e1}U06 e pue ‘asou Bnd e pue yoou JS & YM NOA Buiaes ‘y}Z a4} UO NOA UO WS [IM e106 “qi Ove v ZoBuIA Jelsen ynoqe Aes Aay} yeuM 98M} 1S} [ODHIA ‘6Z8L “EL YoeW O} }ISIA pred asuaedxe-|je Ue aq ||IM 1yBiyBiy ey} pue ‘oe7 JOj YJUOW qadns eB aq JIM judy ‘syigey Buiyjyeq pue yyeag siy Ajpeioadse ‘ajBunf ay, jo Bury au} Jaye pejAjs s} 087 ynoge BHulyAWeAZ :O37 uoo|es Aogmog euljoreg ey} ye JapueA jazjaid juaysisuad @ Wwo1 Sue} ueIsy Aue Ang LON OG ‘ZE Judy uO jno spuly iaoURD snonjedw se ‘sjuawoOW Japua} 10) 8oe\d pooh e jou ee spueogquNS -Y3IONWO ‘yO] JeO pasn e je jaow NOA ajHeaq peiejneu eB =YyM diysuonejas Buljse| 2 Uo {JIM NOA ‘SBIAOW UOS|OYUSIN yoer inoge pies mej-Uj-1ay}O1Q 4NOA yeyM Jequuawes NOA se Huo; se ea} jo dno unoA 8q |IIM BUIYD 0} }80q MOIS VY -ININAD ‘suoqqlis Ja}luMedA} jnoqe sBHuos Huis oym syebpiw ploAy “ALdWNG ALdWNH 0} wuolduosqns unoA jo UOTE |je0URD eB ueaew |JIM aiqiyeAUOD = Ol1lseg inok uo squinio yoeqeIMZ ‘SNHYNVWL ‘YyUOW BY} JO pus ay} Aq eoyed sBueso aq jim BulyAuead Ppue ‘sayound ey) UyIM {]OH “a}iUueIB jo a0e!d ajqeao) yng ‘aBse; e JO WHO} ay} Ul ‘judy Ul SeLy JapUe} Sey1}S 9AO7 ‘Say “SOULS UyIM MeyS US} yee O} JOU AL ‘Ld, JO ‘AH, ‘0. 8Q Aiqeqoid |} yy “psiyy a4} UO J9}2| B JO} JNOYOO| BU} UO ag “jOedWI! Buijse; jO 9q 0} seacid ainuRW_W MOD y-epeiy jo Beq eB ueyMm ‘judy ul aunyeu AwijS 4184} MOUS SUB8OSIq :S¥0Sid "SaU!} [je ye SaueWQns plone pue ‘YyiGZ 94} UO SsJO}Ies YySijOq JO eremeg ‘sjueipAY aly pue sdeogny ueew pjnod sayjJOW WO} }ISIA vy “semoys ay} Ul judy pusds {jim uBIS JayeM By} JaPUN WOg esou, :SnivwnoY *SyOO|G }UBLUBO pue suwuojlun Awuy uolyeajeg Jo} jno YyoyeM “SINSI9| JO} di} ajOADIUN a|ILW-Q0G e pue ‘jew 94} YBnoiy} Buiwoo seueueg UyIM ‘uUReIWOOUdeD oIlWeUAP a4} JO} YJUOW jeyay AU@A & 8q IIIM {Udy :NHOOMdYO BOW PIO|OBUO; 4jeIS IwNOwV4 NOSH3AWA Ag Sayjeg ejfiIzpoyH se saburis snduey Local Representative Ford resigns April 7 SYPHILIS. SCHWARTZENHEIMER Clos@é curtains. Do Not, repeat, do not turn on light as it reveals the names of the candidates. Push the second lever from the left if it is Easter Sunday. If it is Hanukkah, place a bagel in the mailbox marked “Trash” for future reference. If blue smoke rises, open the mailbox and receive an autographed picture of Yogi Berra on a rocking horse in the nude. If an orange light begins to flash, quickly flip the second lever. If you hear a flush, quickly grab plunger marked ‘TOP SECRET” and throw it into toilet bow! marked “EMPTY”. This will prevent any crocodiles which inhabit the sewers from escaping. After completing this first simple step, call your Aunt May in Boise, Idaho , and tell her she has a nose like a platypus. This will activate lever C. If lever C comes up with three cherries, you win a free one-way trip to Warsaw, Poland, in the hopes that you won't come back. If the lever comes up two trucks and a cherry, call your aunt back and tell her to scream “YAHOO” every time a jet flies over her house. This will activate lever D which flashes before you a 3-D picture of Spiro Agnew. Quickly grab dart marked “CREAM CHEESE” and throw it at Spiro’s nose. If it hits, you have now become a_ confirmed Communist and must go to Warsaw, unless you have already won this trip and if so, then you must spend the night in the streets of downtown Philadelphia without a flashlight. If you miss Spiro’s nose, you must dive in a boiling pot of Jello, and scream in Yiddish, “I’m a penguin!” If the dart remains in your hand, GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL - DO NOT PASS GO DO NOT COLLECT 200 MAVIS RENT—A— PIMP COSC O HEHEHE HHHEEHSOSSHOTFHOHSHHSHEHEEESEEHTHOEE “WE TRY HARDER” * RESTLESS? * LONELY? * HORNY? * MARRIED? Pe eoeSseOoeseseHneesesos CALL MAVIS TODAY GROUP RATES AVAILABLE PORES EHH EHOEEEEHETEEHEHHEHEHSETEHOEHHREHEHEREHEHERES WE USE THE FINEST GIRLS “MONEY CAN BUY.” OUR GIRLS HAVE EVERYTHING — BUT DON’T WORRY, THEY’RE TAKING SHOTS FORIT. WE TRY HARDER. WE MAY BE NO. 2 (BUT OUR GIRLS LIKE THE NO. 2 POSITION BEST ANYWAY.) DOLLARS. If the dart is stuck in your hand, see a shrink, you are sick Now you are ready for the final step First, mark the lever marked “E”. Then listen to the tape of instructions for your mission. After eating the tape (no sait, please) proceed tc destroy all the microwave ovens in Guatemala. This is an effort to save all the people in Guatemala with pacemakers. Yes, voter, you are now ready to vote. Flip lever marked “FIRE ALARM”. Not only does lever reveal that you are really in a phone booth in Burbank, California, but you are tragically run over by a fire truck, mistaking your vote for a fire alarm BETTER LUCK IN 1980! !!!! Jenkins faces nose amputation CHAPEL HILL--- The UNC Board of Governors today announced that East Carolina University's name will be, as of April 1, Sigma Nuniversity William Friday said the decision to change the Greenville school’s name came as a result of “the fine dedication shown by them ole beer-drinkin’ boys down there : Friday denied allegations that he recommended the change due to his fear of SGA President Tim Sullivan’s political influence “Timmy's a mighty nice boy, and the Sigma Nu’s are number one in my list; much better than them Krappa Sigs,” he said Modern Equipment : FOUNTAINBLAH/VOL. 51, NO. 47/1 APRIL 1976 SARGANT SHRIVER, now retired from the quest for the Democratic nomination is shown in his new hobby, tap dancing. Seen with loving supporters in the background wife, far right, son, far left], Shriver is seen delivering his oft-quoted speech relating detente with “Bojangles” Robinson. One look from Shriver’s son [on far left) tells the entire stary THE NEW MANAGER of Elbo Room was named last week. L. Biff Najursky, the new manager said he thought he would get along well with his staff and the “new look” projected for the club. “Besides,” Najursky was quoted as saying, “I like young girs!” Infamous flasher caught with pants down THE INFAMOUS WAHL-COATES flasher was caught early yesterday moming while compromising a willing seven year old girl. Answering a question about how he had been able to evade capture for so long, he replied, “! just have one of those faces which blends into crowds easily.” CAMPUS CAR SALES Q IWOULD YOU BUYA USED CAR THIS MAN? WELL, DROP ON BY ANYWAY! “IF IT CAN BE TOWED, WE'LL SELL IT!” —ateie@itA ti tLttttttLtbLiLihLitLtLthhLLLtttiZan 4 a \ , & , N = 5 , % \ X . N N , ‘ \ , N : , 8 . , . 8 ‘ ; , % N FROM , , ’ % , N . , . 8 8 8% , N % N * \ & . . 4 N N x ‘ . . % 4 aan pound told r Spring i having impou It v that Be Te The intersex ECU st SGA ra one EC the yea Acc ECU m direct Student remain ar students if lasses recuperate The SC for the bi Opposition was finall force to Jenkins, colleagues nave been and Greeny to prevent | Before was used passed, Jer need to hav workday is be added there will be With poy Legislature, Students sc “Halloween raids with Campus Pol Rng while ve had faces VM c ahd POPIPAAP AL ALL ALLL ALA nA AAA A Ah hd deh hkduhakeaakahal ii FOUNTAINBLAH/VOL. 51, NO. 47/1 APRIL 1976 7 Buildings being towed ‘Don t push me’ Balder starts towing frenzy The ECU Campus Security was caught towing some buildings on campus Wednesday morning by C.G. Bore, assistant to the assistant’s assistant “| came to work at around 9 a.m Wednesday and saw ten of the biggest tow trucks attached to Mendenhall Student Center, Clement Dorm and Uncle Leo's small mansion,” said Bore. “| immediately called Joe “You Can't Push Me Around” Balder and asked what the hell was going on. “Push Me” Balder replied with a five pound package of parking tickets and told me if they weren’t paid by the end of Spring Quarter then | was in jeopardy of having the rest of the campus impounded.” It was found through the investigation that Balder, Doc, and the rest of the pigs at the old laundrymat had felt that the three buildings being towed were constructed in the wrong places and that they should be moved to accommodate staff parking facilities “It has been our strict towing policy on campus that has kept this place from going to those damned students, and you better believe that | wouid rather see the pinkos take over instead of those students,” quipped Balder Besides if it wasn't for the towing policy | couldn't afford to live in Greenville with my slight salary.” Those towing people keep me in business with the cutbacks | get from them, especially Dung Body Shop, that is my favorite one. Mr. Dung is always willing to drop his load and come to the campus to tow a few cars. | don’t get much out of the towing except a few lost rocks watching a car ride off into the sunset behind a tow truck, and oh yea, | also get about 10 bills for my cooperation with the towers association.’ According to Bore, he decided to let the two trucks have the two buildings but used his better judgement in stopping the towing of Uncle Leo's small mansion ‘l felt that the university could afford to let two little buildings like Mendenhall and Clement go. “Hell all Mendenhall does is collect student money that is spent on. students and Clement accommodates a few scabies every once in a while According to Balder, his towing policy keeps the students on their toes because they never know what is going next. “We believe in fairness here at Campus Security and we can’t let the students think they are safe anywhere on campus,” added Baider Bore was able to save the campus buildings and Uncle Leo a called his friend Chief Gunnon to stop those rubber ducks from taking his house It is rumored that Bore will propose in the next Board of Mistrustees meeting that student cars be banned on campus and that student fees be increased for the construction of a new parking garage to be used exclusively by the faculty and staff Balder commented on expressed grave concern over Bore's actions. “You still can’t push me around, I'm a retired marine, but | will be damned if | am going to let Bore end student parking. Those tow trucks keep me and my family in business, plus they were able to pay for my $1,000 lawn last year without the slightest dent in my checking account the rumor and Tenth St. overpass to reroute traffic over students The Tenth Street, College Hill Dr. intersection claimed the lives of three ECU students, two stray dogs and one SGA rat last week in what was termed by CU official as the student event of the year According to ECU direct one E Hereicum Stiffsanal the intersection is the for the loss of these and their rats ‘It is very how the mishaps occurred, the strians simply did not yield to the two loaded 45 mortician, reason students obvious pedes fully foot racing Mac et with traliers SGA votes against classes he GA Legislature passed a Dill aturda ynt at the Sigma Nu Suite in Scott Dorm which states that there will be no asses held on Monday There no use in havinc lasses on Monday because no one goé t them stated ar IGA officer who wishes to remain anonymous After the weekend, students were unable to make it to their classes on Mondays. They need time to recuperate The SGA Legislature fought bitterly for the bill to be passed. With much opposition from university officials, it was finally necessary to use physical force to have the bill passed. Leo Jenkins, Chancellor, several of his colleagues and even several legislators have been hospitalized. Campus Police and Greenville City Police were on hand to prevent a riot from breaking out Before the necessary physical force was used in order to have the bill passed, Jenkins stated, “Students do not need to have a prolonged weekend. If one workday is taken from the workweek to be added to the weekend, eventually there will be no workweek.” With power increasing within the SGA Legislature, there is a possibility that students someday may have an annual “Halloween Riot” and possibly panty raids with no_ interference from the Campus Police “The remains of the students were carefully scraped off of the intersection, and the two strays were cast into the gutter. The SGA rat was left as a sacrifice to any turkey vultures that happened to wander by,” said Stiffsanall Stiffsanall feels the only way to stop the pedestrian suicide at the intersection is to build an overpass for the traffic to go over the crossing According to Stiffsanall, this would accomplish two goals; th re-route the traffic, and secondly to get more money from the students at ECU proposal e first to The administrative end of ECU was rather pleased with the recent accidents because they received the full tuition from the students and since it is early in the quarter they can spend that money way they deem necessary without having to provide something for those students The deceased students were fined by the ECU Traffic Department for failure to yield right of way to moving vehicles and will not be allowed to fines are paid The truckers have any graduate until the reportedly filed suit in Pitt County District Court for damages received during the accident. The two truckers are seeking $50,000 a piece for the destruction of their wind screens and for the removal of flesh from the radiator grill The truckers have planned to hold a convoy through the CU campus if the courts do not pay off, and will refuse tc ship beer into the city According to SGA President mmy Honeycutt, those truckers sure do have testicles, especially al! the frat ant get any beer The SGA Condom + _ Take it from Hunneycatt, ‘It’s like being screwed by a 1000 legislators.’ For the man who has BIG political ambitions. * will stretch further than the SGA budget. me can take more abuse than an SGA president. 8 FOUNTAINBLAH/VOL. 51, NO. 47/1 APRIL 1976 ENTERTAINMENT AE. APRON Interview with Russell Bertrum By NORMAN MAILER Visiting EZU on April first along with a host of other notables, will be world famous playboy, alleged philosopher, a renowned plagiarist Russel Bertrum Dr. Bertrum claims to have graduated from Harvard but swears Harvard is in Europe. He did his dissertation on some obscure principle of Physics which he calls inertia. It was later discovered that Issac Newton had done similar work in the past, hence Bertrum’s reputation for plagiarism crimes Bertrum: That is much ado about nothing. It happens every twelfth night. | expect charges like that from a hamiet the size of Greenville. F: Charges like that don't worry you? B: What, me worry? You see, in this Shell | have no need to cross the Gulf of compromise into the Richfield of Mobile, American thinking. | am standing Humble, my Chevron flashing brightly across this sub-Standard University. F:|’m sorry, | didn’t understand. Did you say something about gas stations? B: No, we were talking about plagiarism. F: Anyway, people call you a playboy. What are your views on this image? B: My view on playboy’s? I’m for ’em. F: Hah, hah. That is clever B: I'm very sensitive, don’t laugh at me. F: If you don’t want me to laugh, why do you tell me these tales? B: Ask not for whom | tell tales. i tell for thee F: This conversation is going down hill. lf you want to plagiarise, why not plagiarise good ideas instead of these mediocre ones | have heard today. Come to think of it, all I've really heard are bad puns favorite un-original idea or pun B: Ahh, this doeth pretend deep trenchery and muddy secrets to be told. F: That’s it! What the hell? B: Hell? What's the El? They tore it down. As a tot they told me not to cross the moat. But then the monkey did beseach me cast the moat from mine own eyes. Thus | crossed my eyes and double crossed the monkey into the moat! Afraid of hell, you think! Hell, I’ve left my senses many times and dreamed | fought great monsters, pink beheamoth, rats upon my bed, who cares?!! If we fall can we not rise again to bite another FOUNTAINBLAH, in an_ exclusive interview with Bertrum became hopeless- y confused. This reporter can do no more than leave judgement of the worth \f ideas Bertrum claims to be his own to you, the reader FOUNTAINBLAH Many people do not agree th your attitude toward plagiarism. They senous You see, the quality of plagiarism is not feigned. It falleth like the gentle rain fram heaven, and is easier to research. F: Now | am confused B: Well, that is pretty confusing so far But if you think you are Confused now you haven't seen nothing yet, and you may not, unless you stick around for tonight’s lecture. Ww harge you with what they call MISS ANNA PRUDEHOMME WATSON retired Monday from her position as dorm administrator which she had held in Cotten Dorm for the past 36 years. Seen in this picture taken on her birthday last January, Miss Watson claimed to have dedicated her life to helping young coeds and collecting blund objects. [The two were not related she claimed]. Asked about her future plans, she said that she plans to run a home for wayward dwarves in Kansas appie on yet another Eve? We'll take it down. We'll get it standing up, we'll get it any we can!! St. Mickey save me!!! B: | may be punny, but all the puns | use, !’ve stolen. | am a proud plagiarist. F: Let's finish this interview with your 09080 600090 F8EFE20NG0 2950 6900000000060 F9 0608 90600009 OR OD SI ESEEECES OORT INET EI DE0 TT DOORN COREL ECOL ES DEO FEC LanEDER EOD ITOS Pere Like re bo BUSINESS ‘NAitThk. ee HOCK SHOP AND LOAN COMPANY “Look for the old Dodge van and youre at Big Louie’s”’ * Marantz 340X reciever - Brand new - ONLY $45.00! x slightly used teargas canisters - $29.95 each * Assorted watches - areal bargain at ONLY $189.95 each! POS09 95220 8 C0008 00008209 20900" > De CR SEE DOS SEazECRTERDES K Worried about financing ? No need - try our Easy Payment Plan - 100 % down, nothing else to pay ! * If Big Louie doesn't have it, he can speal order it for you. WEED ALOAN? NO PROBLEM. HAVE TROUBLE PAYING BACK LOANS? WO PROBLEM. WE WILL BREAK Yul OF THAT MASTY HABIT (arms or legs - your preference) | COLL Od 6008006088 08008086 00000800000 50000000 000800809 0000Cb00008000 LOCAL after his tree whi with Rac legendar several TWO YOUT Campus sec believes that was held for alive. webapp ey if oeeeoseoes e $60 90009000000808500000 00606 6900000500000 50096902000080 966622500500008 0000000900055 00000906060 26896 9020996068000 005 00068 990085000 000 06 006 0000000080009 066 00008 00s CoCo nRE; OSes RODERSN OSES BERET; FORE IELTS I EIS 808 ; 3 3 i i LOCAL ARTISTE RODOLFO DADA SMITH-WORTHINGTON caught in a restive pose after his successful one man art show. He was hung by his gonads from a large oak tree while friends threw balloons filled with paint at him and coated his extremities with Ragu Spaghetti sauce. Special highlight of the show was the exposition of his legendary neon cape which was plugged into a wall socket and when lit up, revealed several of his fantasies about insects. TWO YOUTHS were discovered living in a back room of A.J. Fletcher Building by campus security agents last Sunday. Professing to belong to a new religion which believes that after death your soul goes to a Lithuanian diner in Chicago, the odd pair was held for further questioning after admitting actually to believe Dr. Clyde Hiss is alive. 9 FOUNTAINBLAH/VOL. 51, NO. 47/1 APRIL 1976 AS PART OF Greenville Rehabilitation Week, famous city eunuch of J. Civde Dixeless is shown at his job as bartender downtown. Co-workers remarked that he was fitting in remarkably well considering that he had nothing to fit in with. Lhe masterpiece of bizarre love that stunned France A portrait of love and submission to disorder the senses. SHE BOUGHT HER GOODIES AT BURT’S S-M SHOP =—=—====F EATURING THE LATEST IN * WHIPS * LEATHER ITEMS & CMAINS * ROPES *» HANDCUFFS x MASKS * WETSUITS * VARIETY OF CELLOPHANE APPAREL “TF IT HURTS, IT’S AT BURT’S.” creeper zr SS ees SSS SREY SRT he Siamese ae pier KLAN MEETING—-it was indeed a fine day for a cross buming last weekend at Ficklen Stadium and these Klan followers tumed out in throngs to support the focal Greenville chapter--headed up by Greenvilie’s favorite son, Glenn Cannon. According ECU finally admitted to the ACC By JOHN EVANS Noise Editor CHAPEL HILL, N.C.—The FOUNTAIN- BLAH learned today from its exclusive sources that East Carolina has been accepted for membership in the Atlantic Coast Conference beginning in 1978. According to reports, East Carolina and Virginia Tech were accepted by the conference's Athletic Directors by a vote of 5-2 for admittance to the conference beginning in 1978. The two schools voting against the ECU inclusion in the conference were North Carolina and the University of Maryland. Clemson and Maryland voted against the inclusion of « Virginia Tech into the conference. Two schools, West Virginia and South Carolina, were turned down for admittance to the conference, both by votes of 4-2 with one abstention. According to a spokesman for the ACC, the vote to accept ECU as a new member came following considerable lobbying by ECU Chancellor Dr. Leo Jenkins and Senator Robert Morgan, an ECU alumnus “East Carolina has many alumni to thank for swaying the minds of the Athletic Directors,” the spokesman said. “Especially since the majority of Athletic Directors were against it (ECU's acceptance) just two months ago. ‘The decision to allow VPI to come into the conference was made as a concilliatory gesture towards Maryland and Virginia, the two schools located outside of the Carolinas. It was surprising to many that Maryland voted against the approval of Tech for admittance.” Maryland was the only school that voted against all four schools, including South Carolina and West Virginia, for admittance into the conference FOUNTAINBLAH contacted Mary- land’s Athletic Director Jim Kehoe for his comments on the matter “To me, and this is off the record, the conference is playing dominoes with its future,” said Kehoe. “Of course we aren't too crazy about the arrangement of North Carolina schools in the conference already and adding ECU to the conference is totally absurd in my estimation. Besides what has ECU ever beaten us in?” When told by FOUNTAINBLAH that East Carolina had beaten the Marylanders in both baseball! and swimming this year, Kehoe remarked, “Well, that doesn't mean a thing to me. After ali our baseball and swimming teams had an off year this year and all our swimmers were loaded down with twinkies the day we swam ECU. You do remember what happened in basketball, don’t you?” Neither ECU basketball coach Dave Patton or Athletic Director Bill Cain would comment on ECU’s chances against the ACC in basketball. When asked to comment, Patton just went pale and Cain slamme@ his door and went back to his game of dominoes. According to ECU Chancellor Jenkins, the negative vote from Carolina was a political move by the anti-ECU faction in Chapel Hill. “| think this is one of the greatest victories that ECU and myself have ever earned,” said Jenkins. “It angers me that the people from Chapel Hill continue to take the dim views towards our school that they do, but after we beat them in baseball and football this year |’m not surprised to hear it. “I'm afraid that | have a lot of political enemies in that part of the state and they used their gripes towards me to hamper any attempts at us getting in the conference.” Jenkins announced that he would immediately recommend to the Board of Trustees that plans be approved to enlarge Ficklen Stadium to seat 35,000 fans and Minges Coliseum to seat 9,000 fans. The two facilities currently have capacities of 20,000 (in Ficklen) and 6,500 (in Minges). Jenkins added that he felt the admission of VP! to the conference would help bring more balance to the conference, and that he envisioned the admission of a tenth school. “We feel really proud that we have been accepted and | personally feel, and of course | speak for the university, that the move was warranted. “t think the conference’s move to also admit Virginia Tech would show that they plan to expand to ten teams in the near future, with several teams possibly qualifying as the tenth school William Friday, president of the consolidated University of North Carolina system, said that he was surprised, but pleased to learn that East Carolina was ot woot to reports, Cannon became annoyed with the crowd and heiped them to disperse by use of tear gas, beer bottles and tomahawks. Cannon noted that he did give the crowd a five second waming beforehand, though. accepted to the ACC. “It was a surprise to me, | admit,” said Friday. “At the same time, though, the University (EC) has been making great progress in its athletic endeavors and perhaps people within the state under-estimated exactly how much progress the school had been making.” The plan calls for East Carolina and Virginia Tech to continue their normal schedule in 1976 and 1977 and revert completely to full schedules in all sports by 1978. Since the schools will officially be admitted to the conference in 1978, this will give them each a little more than two years to establish an _ athletic program in all the conference sanctioned sports. Athletic Director Cain said that the N€W occurrences WOuld mean a reevaluation of the program's goals. Cain added that several programs which now existed would have to be discontinued or cut back in order to establish programs in Lacrosse and Fencing. Lacrosse and Fencing are bothsports sanctioned by the ACC towards the Carmichael Cup. “It will take a while for myself and my coaches to sit down and discuss what changes need to be made in the program, financially. At the present time, we are not fully ready financially to take the giant step into the ACC, but it is my hope that we will be two years from now, when actual competition begins.” When asked what changes might have to be made in the program, Cain responded: “At the present time | don’t think it would be wise for me to speculate on that. Certainly rifle is not an ACC sport since that would probably be sacrificed. As it stands now, all the other sports would be continued, since they are also ACC sponsored sports. “Somewhere,” added Cain, “We will have to find the money for a lacrosse program. We had one a few years back and discontinued it because of lack of funds, but we may have to start the program up once again or sacrifice that sport for better programs in other already existing sports.” Cain added that in some sports a great deal of change was not needed and that increased revenue from conference television and gate receipts would possibly bring in a lot of the needed money. “in football, baseball, swimming and wrestling we are close to where we need to be. Track is another sport where we are mighty close. There are several places we will need to work on. Among these are our soccer, tennis, and basketball programs. “| do believe, though, that some of the money we will need can come from the gate receipts with the conference schools in basketball and football. Since our share of the television contract will start next year instead of in 1978, that should help, too. “We have already started receiving a number of larger donations from alumni to our athletic fund through the Pirate Club. It may be three to five years before we are competitive with the conference in all sports, but | feel our overall program will be able to hold its own right off.” Cain added, “Now that we have been given a commitment from the league, the wheels can really start rolling. Of course, there is a small matter of withdrawing from the Southern Conference, but | think that can be taken care of.” UE SC Apo | iJ :S £; " m y : 4 one “59 ~ty , Sy oy a og NEW RECRUIT-—-East Carolina has recruited this all-American punter out of Eyesore A and M. The booter, according to scouts. has only one major weakness. if you haven't noticed that fact yet, he has no heed. At least he won't have to worry his head none about making the team. Ce East announ high si yesterd Pirates’ distanci Stev the brot ruled th United § sixties prospec in} school 1 time of high si minutes it We came al a 355.8 the year helping ‘This miler I'v chance t mighty | kind of would fi Universit The ¢ was Jimi Sf » the need re we everal mong and ne of from rence Since t will that ing a lumMNi Pirate efore ce in gram Ge been 2», the urse, wing ut | Carson signs Ryun East Carolina track coach Bill Carson announced the signing of two of the top high school track stars in the nation yesterday in an effort to offset the Pirates’ weaknesses in the pole vault and distance events Steve Ryun of Lawrence, Kansas, is the brother of legendary Jim Ryun, who ruled the middle distance running in the United States during the middle and late sixties. Brother Steve looks to be a better prospect than Jim In 1965, the older Ryun set the high school national record in the mile with a time of 3:58.5. This was the first time a high schooler had ever broken four minutes in the mile It was only fitting that brother Steve came along to break the mark. Steve ran a 3:55.8 time in the first outdoor mile of the year this season. Carson sees Ryun helping the Pirates program immensely This is the first bonafide world class miler I've ever had. We knew we had a chance to get him but we thought it was mighty slim. We just showed him the kind of program we had and how well he would fit in and he picked us over the University of Kansas.” The other jewel the Pirates picked up was Jimmy Seagren, whose brother was (sga Tol Ul tal Teta) ( PIT 505 EVANS STREET NOMINATED FOR LATE SHOW Fri.- Sat. ONLY 11:15 P.M. Eomaea | Wat rests Tim Sullivan THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING once the best pole vaulter in the world Bob Seagren, the former Southern Cal star has pole vaulted over 18 feet several times and has passed the tradition on to brother Jimmy The young Seagren has vaulted 17'8’ three times and holds the national high school record in the event. Carson was also very high on Seagren We've never had anyone here to go any higher than 15’6”. This is a really big boost for our program. The only problem with signing a pole vaulter is that we are going to have to buy some pole vault standards now. We have none.” The two blue-chippers aducd to the strength the Pirates have in the sprints and hurdles should give East Carolina one of the best track programs in the East, maybe in the nation. Carson concurs These two young men should give us one of the top track programs around Our sprinters and hurdlers are second to none right now and these guys give us strength where we were never able to score points before East Carolina track looks to be taking a national picture right now, but should be ever better next year with the new acquistions rn Wkeacres FOUNTAINBLAH I] FOUNTAINBLAH/VOL. 51, NO. 47/1 APRIL 1976 YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY--ECU head basketball coach Dave Patton wanders over to talk to an official after leaming that his team’s Hardee’s Huskies will not. be there on time for the team’s post-game meai. The ECL player in the background heips to express Patton’s sentiments by saying he wants his all-meat Huskee or he won't play. DOUBLE DUTY---Apparently these two players can not decide who is supposed to catch the ball. Actually, they are Beepo and Berpo Fiub, the siamese twins on the ECU football team this year. Medical science was made when the two brothers were separated when one tried going one way and the other went the other way. ] 2 FOUNTAINBLAH/VOL. 51, NO. 47/1 APRIL 1976 HOT FLASHFLASHFLASHFLASHFLASH Sppeech lab The spp—speech 11—lab will mmm— meet nnn—next Mmmm-—onday to discuss Eaastern North Ccc—carolina spp--peech immm-pedimentts. The ttiime of tt-he mm-eeting is 7:30 in rr-ooom 206 Alll—ied Hhealth Rocks off The Geology Club will meet this Saturday at Dr. O'bonner’s favorite hideawayto discuss the future possibility of the club gettin its rocks off. Freeze funds Dr Hans Dimdork will hold a special seminar on how to freeze students funds without ever telling them about the fund freeze. The seminar should be of the utmost importance for those in the EZU Model UN program. Special guest for the seminar will be Larry Chiseler, our favorite SGA patsy for Dr. Dimdork. Lecture show The EZU Political Science Department will hold a special lecture series on controlling socialism as applied to the First Amendment and Justice Black. Dr Scurious Yarrough will present an in depth court opinion, Dr. Dimdork will represent the Third Reich, and Dr. Deamon will lecture on the “South as a; Socialist State.” Non-art show There will be a special non-Art Show to be held at Dada Smith Worthington’s groovy pad. The non-Art show will not be held so it will add to the uniqueness of the event. Flamingo fired Applications are now being taken for FOUNTAINBLAH editorship. Mike Tailor fired himself last week and a replacement is necessary for the remainder of the year Cram course The EZU Business Department. will conduct a special cram course to be offered to the professors in the economics and accounting departments. The cram course will consist of how to figure out your accounting tables once you have thoroughly confused the students and will give the professors a chance to brush up on thier respected subjects they forgot how to teach 20 years ago Hahahahahaha Darrell - it's off. Ha, ha, ha Cancelled The Major Attractions Committee has been cancelled because they lost their sound crew in Greenville, South Carolina and they refused to sign another contract. Bob Sativa was not available for comment because he was out to lunch, as he usually is Human body The Nursing Department will hold a week long seminar on the “Human Body and the Best Way to Use it to Your Advantage Girls.” Guest lectures will be Xaviera Hollander and Linda Lovelace. Speech fund A speical speech therapy fund is now being taken up for a corrective speech courge to be offered to Dr. Uguess Mulati, EZU Business Department, to correct his obvious speech problem Students who have Dr. Mulati this quarter are strongly encouraged to give donations before it is too late in the quarter. Fear course Dr. Deamon will offer a course next Spring entitled “You Have only Three Things to Fear in Life”. This class will based on the teachings of intellectual Gene Talmadge. Black people need not apply Fighting BSA Dr. Herby Carlson will be offering a special training session for Boy Scouts this summer. This group will consist of fifty elite scouts trained in counter insurgency tactics. The “Fighting BSA” will be attached to the Defense Intelligence Agency and will be used in counter acting existing Soviet Browning groups trying to convert young people to Communism Warsaw ghetto There will be a meeting of all the survivors of the Warsaw Ghetto next Tuesday. Guest lecturer will be the world famous Bay Shore Wonder who will speak on “Why | Love North Carolina or Why My First Born Will Be Named T-Bone.” BSRA There will be a meeting of BSRA (Bathroom Stall Readers of Aerica) That's right, every Tuesday nite, BSRA members tour the campus discovering the true meaning of the old adage “the writing’s on the wail.” The club is looking the new members and everyone is invited to join. As club president George M. Nasal says, “There is a seat for you.” STAT OER LOGIE a ELITE SA SIE LTE EN, TOME GIIT, ONO, Pogue gone Russ Pogue, photographer for Fountainblah, has been stolen. He was last seen standing on his head on the Entertainment Desk at | Fountainblah. His whereabouts are presently unknown. If anyone sees him, please tell him not, repeat NOT, to return Applications are now being accepted for staff photographer. Friends of leather There will be a meeting of Friends of Leather next Monday at 6 p.m. at the home of Tom “Crack the Whip” Tozer Med school trustees A meeting of the EZU med school Board of Trustees will be held Monday, April 5 at Louie's Lounge to discuss dispersement of med school funds and future meetings at Louie's Lounge. All memebrs are urged to attend as drinks will be on the UNC school system Shoe collectors There will be a meeting of ECU Shoe Collecting Society Monday at 8:00 p.m at Saad Shoe Shop. The topic will be “Pleasures of the Innersole.” All interested parties welcome. ‘Pic’ of the week