% Se ae ee head VOL. 6, NO. 43 EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY GREENVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA 3 APRIL 1975 LAMPOON ISSUE c. cD — 9 = on For the umptgenth time in recent y. ECU Chancellor Leo Jenkins ars to be on the verge of tossing his the North Carolina political ring Jenkins, who has made a sport out of icing he may run for state-wide ice in past election years, iS again nsidering a run for the governor's ice, FOUNTAINHEAD has learned from mpeachable source. The FOUNTAINHEAD source, who has isked {hat his name not be revealed, has , polaroid photos of Jenkins and a handful of politicos from around the state holding a supper meeting last week at McDonald's in Greenville. jroup discussed the Chancellor's nances in the 1976 elections for governors, according to our source. The FOUNTAINHEAD source, who was among the select few at the war council meeting, noted that district campaign managers were named and that fund raising efforts were jaunched. uf = — ee cD ©) => cD —_ e] The fund raising effort was actually just a “pass the hat attempt to raise enough Change to pay for the meal”, the informer explained. And, while an exact amound of funds raised is not known, our source beamed that enough was raised to pay for ten Big Mac's, eight cokes and two shakes, with Dr. Jenkins still able to pocket some change While Jenkins has threatened to run for State office before, enough times to earn the nickname, the Harold Stassen of Pitt County,” this effort may be the most serious, at least in the last four years. Veteran Jenkins watachers had expected the campaign for sometime especially in the light of the fact that the Chancellor will be unemployed in the next two years when he is forced to retire under a mandatory state retirement regulation. Jenkins is believed to have a fondness for old big two-story houses in obscure places and for playing with huge sums of money. Our source said that running for df ans fe governor would follow that line moving Jenkins from Greenville to Raleigh and into the money seat that the govemor holds While sources at the McDonald's meeting assure that the threat to run this time will be followed with an announcement to run soon, speculation Still abounds that Jenkins could be using the threat as a lever to gain some advantage for his school. It was pointed out by our source that shortly after the first time Jenkins threatened to run for governor, East Carolina gained university status. Then, shortly after his last threat to rui for governor, ECU was granted a one-year med school. Informed sources also link past Jenkins’ political threats to establishment of a complete four-year med school on campus. With that track record in the past, most state politicians are asking what the ECU eh © = — — = > co 25 az —_ leader could be after this time, if he does not actually seek the governor's post. One inside source has_ told FOUNTAINHEAD that Jenkins is really trying to gain leverage to “either get a law school established at ECU or to gain admission into the Atlantic Coast Conference.” Other close Jenkins watchers feel that admission into the ACC might be? the main goai behind the iatest political threats. But, others have speulated that the ECU Chancellor might also be after funds for a domed football stadium, or special permission from the General Assembly to turn Wake Forest University, Appalachian State and Westem Carolina into ECU branches legated in Winston Salem, Boone anc Cullowee, respectively. If Jenkins’ threat to run is not aimed at gaining favors for ECU, some speculate that the retired Marine officer could be See Jenkins, again, page 4. —-. The key to any successful newspaper is the people behind It. The ability for a diverse prt este to blend their talents together into one finished product st, if the paper is to be what it ought to be. FOUNTAINHEAD is biessed with the ‘v-'Se personalities, and as for their blending together, we can just say that there is On 'ete evidence that “miracles” do happen in this day and age. We thought you'd like “ a little something about the le wh o put out your newspaper : ~,, \2 Mainstay eeided ae? neomaleg ie Editor-in-Chief. And Fountainhead’s Ed., VIANE TAYLOR, stays mainly on her behind (a typewriter), thinking up all of those "Si\rational editorials you read each week. Under her (leadership) the paper has gone to ~ ages regularly. (She doesn't believe in irregularity.) Prompt, business-like, she's “ays ready with an encouraging word, or a Virginia Slim. Occasionally she shuts herself off from the rest of the staff. Most feel that this is her period of meditation, at » which time she receives her divine guidance. Another theory about these secluded moments comes from something she once confided in one of the editors; that when she was in the eighth grade she was embarrassed because she couldn't do the “Jerk”, and practices it along in the showers at gym time. Now it’s thought that every now and then (since she doesn't take p.e.) she shuts herself up to practice and when people ask what she is doing in her office alone, we all answer matter-of-factly, “Oh, she’s just in there brushing up on her jerk.” SYDNEY GREEN is the Managing Editor, and pantacea for ail of those little aggravating problems that crop up around the paper She approaches the job with such a bustling enthusiasm that it often causes the buttons of her blouse to come unhooked. Intelligent and dependable, probably her other greatest attributes (besides See Head characters, page 12. Eagles lottery The Student Union and The Head are sponsoring a ‘When will the Eagles ancel” lottery beginning the first of last week Students can enter by locating the booths set up in the Microfilms room of Joyner Library. They must indicate whether they think the Eagles wil! cancel their May 1st concert before tickets go on sale, after they go on sale, or after they arrive and witness Happy Hour at the Buc The Young Jewish Christian Society is having a Bibie study session Saturday n ght ats p.m The meeting is open to both Christian Jews and Jewish Christians, but only to the young The study will be held at St. Gabriel's athno!l Church Adopt a people >» people up for adc pti mn this week xed nation German Sheperd, a mixed nationality, and a male tan and white mixed nationality The dogs at the pound would like to extend af nvitation t all interested parties to attend the get-togetNer attendec by the most desirable dogs in Greenville me this week. They would appreciate it and so would the people Free fish Ever heard of “Free Fish Night’? Two local restaurants, Friendly Fins and Peewee's Shrimp, are sponsoring this treat as a special favor to FOUNTAINHEAD readers Every Friday night, from April 1 to May 23, these two bed seatuod delicatessans will give free seafood (in any amount) to those customers who can prove they read tne FOUNTAINHEAD regularly. Proof may be made in any manner you can think of Let's get going, all you little fismes and shrimps out there in the ECU Sea CONTENTS 2 FOUNTAINHEAD/ VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 naan cena meneame eee HOT FLASHFLASHFLASHFLASHFLASH Da Nang reunion Da Nang--The annual U.S. Marine Corps reunion scheduled for here in May has been postponed indefinitely due to rcumstances beyond the control of the sponsoring group, and the South Vietnamese Army for that matter. Reason for the postponement was Cited as the Viet Cong's failure to recognize Bank America cards ERA The Pitt County ERA group will hold a seminar entitled “Ban the Missionary Position at Pitt Tech in early May. Emphasis during the seminar will center around trying to “step the fucking rip-off of women through use of this male chauvinist position,” a spokesperson for the group told FOUNTAINHEAD Forget it To clear up any confusion conceming tuition rates for all students, whether n-state or out-of-state, Jules Wainwrong has invited students to attend a meeting Friday night at Fickien. Students attending should bring a birth certificate, drivers license, past tax forms, grades, parents birth certificates, work forms, baptismal slip (if available), pedigree and family tree, plus a memo from the Democratic party chairman in your parents hometown stating your parents past service to the party. If such a memo is not available a Pirate's Club card will do or a taded bumper sticker Saying Vote yes for ECU Med School.” Wainwrong stated that “we intend to clear this fucking mess up once and for all but if your parents have not lived in N.C for at least 2U years, or all their lives, whichever comes first, forget it.” ll Libido The ECU Music Dept. will present “Ii Libido’, an opera and one unnatural act this Sunday after Catechism No joke It's no joke -- FOUNTAINHEAD will not be out next week. Due to the necessity to move from the old offices high atop the beautiful Wright Complex to new offices in what was South Cafeteria, papers normally published on Tuesday and Thursday will not be published. Normal publication will resume on April 15th. Sorry about the inconvenience. Support Supporters of the Terry Sanford-Leo Jenkins presidential and vice-presidential ticket will hold a meeting Thursday night at the telephone booth at the comer of the mal! by Cotton Who gives a?? If you don't care for reading dirty, rotten and even filthy lies.—If you don’t care for obscenities or the raw tacts—if you only seek the truth—-THEN STOP RIGHT HEAR. But, if the Congressional Quarterly is your favorite paperback and you dig the Watergate scandai, Teapot Some and ‘if you thirf& Clifford Irving was’ just another misunderstood Truman Capote, then by all means proceed. But, then, you paid for it so who gives a damn what you think. Remember?? How many students at ECU (on the five-year plan) remember the campus dog ‘No-Nose’’? How many graduating seniors can remember the name of their Library Science teacher? For that matter, how many sophomores can remember their Library Science teacher? What?? Beginning Feb. 16 the Animal Control began enforcing the city ordinance requiring dogs to have city tag rabies tags, and a health card with pawprint identification Hey Gete Page 2 WILL SHERMAN REACH THE SEA? Poge 3 CAL LINCOLN SAVE THE UNION? age N NIXON DO A BETTER JOB ON TH MAN? Page 5 WHO THE HELL. CARES? ee Page 6 INDEPTH LOOK AT N.C.’S TWO U.S. SENATORS Page 7 JOE GANNON TO BE NAMED ECU MED SCHOOL DEAN Page 8 EDITORIAL SUPPORTING PROHIBITION Page °. inst BORDELLO TO OPON ON CAMPUS age EALING PHOTOS OF LINDA LOVELACE Page 11 TAX REBATE SCHEDULE FOR PEOPLE WITH INCOM MES OVER $100 000 Page 12 ALICE KNOWS ALL¢VOR AT LEAST SHE THINKS SHE DOES Page 13 NOTHING WORTH READING Page 14 EXPOSE ON ATHLETIC SUPPORTERS Page 15 JOCK RASH REVEALED OFF THE MARK-WAY OFF PISS SARIS SOSA OOO Sit. su erat aceeerae onan ania Goma today elect and PR the © stau! Stude Thre on t Hone ++ out t back be th strate Calde abou woun rushe three M the t unce' their three the | brave the n sight terns a 2 conte aliev, tery 10° afe a enol Nead cons cost Was } are in a dynamic coup staged here today. Joseph Calder ousted the newly elected (2) SGA president, Jim Honeycutt and his entire cabinet. Calder cited election peculiarities” as his reason for the coup Early this moming Calder and his staunch men surrounded Mendenhall Student Center. Dean Alexander shouting, Throw out the students!” led the attack on the building. Barricaded inside, Honeycutt and his followers flung words out the window in a vain attempt to beat back the onslought. This tactic proved to be the fatal flaw in Honeycutt’s defense strategy, for it is a well known fact that Calder neither understands nor cares about words. Alexander, however, was wounded by three obscenities and was rushed to the infirmary, where he died three hours later of massive healing. Meanwhile, Calder gained entrance to the building, and Honeycutt et al were unceremoniously towed away. To secure their position Calder and his men placed three thousand no parking signs around the building. Periodically, some of the braver souls in Calder’s command raided the nearby parking lots, towing every car in Sight Calder quickly established what he termed an “interim government” and called a press conference. At the press conference Calder aposared wearing a Book sale Joyner Library officials announced Tuesday plans for a campus-wide auction of surplus books on April 15. Rather than fool around with re-ciassifying all these books into the Library of Congress system, we've decided to sell out most of our stock and buy new books with the proceeds,” said Phil Fridrick, SGA Library Co-ordinator. We're also thinking about converting the new annex into a dance hall.” Library officials said they hoped to dlieviate the problem of students having to Spend so much of their time at the library Dy elliINg first those books most in demand. Plans to sell the Xerox machines are 2'So under consideration. Heckfire, we might even consider Se\''ng (he carrels if we can find a high enough bidder,” said Mrs. May !. Help, Neac hbrarian. “In fact, the bookstore is Considering buying out the library at 1/4 SOS! and selling it for 1/2.” Student reaction to the auction plans “aS Giversified ‘never use the library anyway,” said ‘Crick. “| never have time. I'M too busy "eading my class assignments to do any UTSIde reading.” _, ink that would be a crappy idea,” Sa ' Dewey Decimal, a library science "ajor “Why don’t they sell Mendenhall Stead? Nobody ever uses that, either.” ‘Think it would be a lovely idea,” said wer Child. “I think everything would be "'Ovely idea. | even think that might be a ‘ly idea. But then, lovely ideas don't fOW On trees, you know, even if the trees Ovely.”’ Fr 77? Calder coup 77: facoon skin Coat and carrying a ukulele. He announced that his title was to be “the Furer’ in honor of his coat. He also announced that ECU was to be renamed in his honor, "Joseph College” In response to a question conceming his reasons for the coup, Calder said, “Election peculiarities-Honeycutt and his Staff carried on the campaign in a half-ass manner. We have confirmed reports that only one of his workers was stuffing the ballot boxes. That is what | call a shoddy effort. You've got to have all your people in there stuffing.” Calder went on to say that Honeycutt, Brown, CHesson, and Kennedy would be punished by revocation of their preregistration. The sad foursome were thus doomed to the drop-add line. During the news conference, Caider was informed of Alexander's death. Visib- ly shaken, he ordered the building renamed Alexander Union, and in memory of the late Dean, barred students from the building. Finally, Calder was asked if his administration had formulated any specific goals for Joseph College. “I'd like to see an increase in the number of campus police. My men are hard pressed to patrol the floors of the women's dorms as it is. I'd like to see at least one or two officers for every floor. We have to keep things moral you know.” In his concluding statement Calder reported that his government had just authorized the use of student funds to purchase $475,000.00 worth of lights for the campus police cars. “I like to watch them whirl around,” he said. Jitley bi Barn ble Bacon bie é to aches TAousent falands Sussing x A (td. Lis Cheese ealsserag Kicnoed Aol Fepoers: ar od Opaore 0903.30 emalay - say Ol , 130-330 - Th Leste iyo (7L "30-2 Faddey 30330 Sedisaey Clary ii ock) : etd Tea - all you tan tink FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 3 Hey, my Roomateés iw THE SHowse ! AT o:00 Am OO WE OPEN THE Winpows AWD Close THe 0608, OR OPEN THE DOOR AND Gioee THE 4 Window ? | OuT THeRnes : ae Phan! quit ninwc ioe = w THE CLoseT! ’ ' a cE : You Don't THINK THAT - PHYLLIG'S Twcewse TRidsenm ThE ALARM Boy Tris is THE EEE PGA, Do YOu? LAST Time I WEAR Pe. : A SrOmTY wiGHTGOwe fil LJHATA YOu COMPERAIUWG ? 0 nt AGouT? X DOw'T WEA awa ANYT Hing? hs - Wn GAD THE ALARMS Ww Ba WATERGATE DIDW'T WORK poco ----------------- FOR HIGH SCHOOL SENIORS Parody of all attractions at ECU List of bands stamped cancelled. Lottery of when Eagles will cancel ' i ' ! ' i ! f i i ' j i. casa in seers enigma tiliidialminiieliaiian Corner fifth/Co anch & FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL1975 \ THE WATER SHOE| | Sold only in select pawn shops, MAGIC WATER SHOE ASK pans ot i Ra et NGOS AS RO I ae na a ere Na YES, EVEN YOU hema eats A, ™ 4 A, py CAN IMPRESS THE ‘i 4 / ICE HE/SHE/IT \ 4 4 4 Mas’ OF YOUR CHOICE | : 7 OTHER SHOE Worried? Frustrated? Life have you troubled? Do you need heip with some personal or private problem? Then let Alice butt into your life and give you some direction and advice Send your inquines to “Go Ask Alice’, c/o Wonderland, USA. 00000 Dear Alice There was a time - | am a 29 year old coed who is very lonely. All of the other girls in my dorm are always : ee ‘ cc having a good time, but they never include me in their fun. My roommate always locks that only Jesus or other religious kr me out of the room, and everyone ignores me when | try to be funny, [like beiching loudly —— at dorm meetings}, The guys avoid me too. | realize | have some physical ' a " ° . y¢ + ae disadvantages: 'm 4’ tall, weigh 345 Ibe., have a rather large wart on my torehved aa folks could walk on water and : i i wear combat boots to hide my skinny ankles. Still, | think | have a lot to offer someone. AQ . 1 | want to give my body to some one desperately. As a matter of fact I'm going crazy up ; most pe ople just stare d in wonder, te here on the tenth floor of Tyler. Can you suggest anything? th } : : he Signed, N ow, you can own a patr fr Homey Helen : fe Year Hor of these miricle new shoes. : Dont do anything rash dear, (like go Out in public). As for wanting to give your body iway | might suggest the Salvation Army, or Good Will Industries. (they do wondertul ‘ (1 work with discarded junk) |d suggest having a key made to the dorm in case they try to (2 OK YOU Out, and Move to the top floor, or the basement $0 the girls there won't hate you . (3 for scaring off their dates. One final word of caution: the dog-catcher is very active Ho Ww the Wate x Shoe was made. (4 » OUNG Campus, yOU MIgNt want to register yourself with the City, just in case 1 (5 (0 Dear Alice ’ . (7 One Easter, after seeing the 8 Thanks alot for the crummy advice! When | wrote you about a girl | wanted to meet : | (1 desperately, who is very different from me, you advised me to change my lifestyle and go Tl. : > 7 ‘J n after her at ali costs. Well all it cost me was a ruined sex life and three weeks in the en C omman dm ents on I hospital, cause when | strutted up to her decked out in my platform heels wearing my “ “SoulTrain” “T” shirt and seyd, “Hey sistuh, let's split this place, and go get it on,” she J ame K oryyra ( turned around and said “stupid honkey!” kicked me in the crotch, and walked out of my <2 q life forever. Now here | am lonely again, hating your bloddy guts! What do ya say to that i i ” you screwy old broad? decided to try her Seteeeinw taken hand at mericiles. ; = After years of failure, Have you ever met a girl named Helen who lives on the tenth floor of Tyler " ll “ Dorm? She's really very interesting 8 h eP sucee de d un de v ising \ a this shoe to walk on water. Continued from page one. after some other elected post besides the trouble in the Greenville area : yovernor's office One local Greenville merchant, who Elastic:: Jenkins is Known to be partial to white Nas been a big ECU contributor and who is hats and might be out to try and unseat expected to help oil the Jenkins campaign FiTsS Acc NC Agriculture Commissioner machine S reportedly miffed that the Jin Graham. Other speculate that Jenkins party had cokes at their dinner SIZES fl Jenkins, who also likes barn rats, might meeting instead of the other leading soft also try and take on Secretary of State IriNK Thad Eure. refuted to be the oldest rat ir And, another merchant is upset that . ’ 9 000 the Democratic barn the meeting was held at McDonaid's Shoes come in all sizes, from $1,600 to 4, But yur source admitted that the nstead of the other well known eating . f > Ney 4 rf Jenkins campaign has already gotten int VIACE NEXT GOK dy ORAL NORWOOD, U.S. Senaturd from N.C. Note: Mr. Norwood Is 8 guest columnist in this week's “Off the Cuff”. He is currently serving as chairman of the Congressional sub committee looking into American morality, and is the past editorial director of a television station. He now spends his time communting between Washington and Analia, N.C., where he resides with his mule Ethelred, and his pet wife, Hormell. “SAVING AMERICA FROM THE PINK PEOPLE” A couple of days ago | was very surprised to receive a telephone call from the FOUNTAINHEAD. | was asked if | would contribute to a special edition of the paper coming Out. Today, | would like to tell you something that you might not know...America is going pink! Yes indeed, this country is being quietly overrun by a conspiracy of “pinkos”. Why you might very well have a “pinko” in your own family. Your roommate might be a ‘pinko”, you never can tell until they con 2 out of the closet, they're sneaky bastards. Who are “pinkos” you ask? Well, they a‘? all those unamerican people we allow to run around free in this country. All those corruptors of the true spirit of Democracy and the American way. They are usually hard to spot, but they are everywhere. “Pinkos” have one basic similarity: they don’t look like Americans. They're usually foreigners, from New York or South Carolina. But, make no mistake, ANYONE can become a pinko” You might already be one yourself. Here's a little test I've devised so you can see how you stand up: Answer either yes or no to the following: (1) Is your favorite color pink? (2) Bo you take Pepto-Bismal often? (3) Do you own any Pink Floyd albums? (4) Don't you feel that Henry Kissinger is a “dirty kraut’? (5) Does the name “Bella Abzug” sound like a filthy social disease? (6) Have you ever had a filthy social disease? Have you ever had “Bella Abzug’’? (7) Do you take a shower and pray for forgiveness after sex? (8) Do you intentionally fart during the playing of the National Anthem? (10) When you go to the movies do you ever stay to see the “good scenes” again? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are on the way to becoming a pinko”. Soon you'll join the ranks of all those chinks, wops, spicks, midgets, albinoes, ommunists, faggots, clubfoots, college professors, sex maniacs, spooks, pollocks, movie producers, perverts, musicians, punks, pornographers, short order cooks, child molesters, liberal senators, Democrats, flashers, hookers, pimps, and Methodists, who Nave pushed American morality to the dregs of humanity it is truly a shame to see what is going on in this country a now. Newspapers Oirupting innocent minds with dirty, foul language. Who in the hell do they think they re’ Young people using their bodies in mass fornication on the college campuses, smoking LSD, drinking themselves into oblivion, | tell you it has got to stop, or this Ountry is going to be completely pink when the Bi-centennial rolls around. Are we gonna sit by and let these purveyors of pinkness get their way? Well, this fella t. | love this country right or left, and | intend to do something about it very shortly: | plan to have universities instate an “anti-pink pledge” to incoming freshmen at colleges iN North Carolina. So all you pink bastards better watch out Oral Norwood is a man who SUNKS, er, sticks to his word Oh, Joe McCarthy where are when we need you most? FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 5 ECU will offer Graffiti course for first time By JOHN WALLS Staff Writer CU's English Department announced las®night the inclusion of a ten credit hour seminar entitiled “Scratological Graffiti” in next fall’s curriculum. Dr. Fuller Z. Crudd, a graduate of Sand Hill Institute of Technology, will instruct the multi-disciplinary course. Crudd held a news conference in the first floor student's restroom of Austin Bidg. - the proposed classroom - to discuss the impact of this unique seminar. “For too long has the lid been Kept tight on this creative outlet,” commented Crudd. “We will attempt to analyze the socio- environmental and _ physio-political ablutions of the various movements while maintaining the anonymity of those creative little stinkers behind them.” Crudd, who did his doctorate thesis on | 8 8 . ‘ \ N N 8 \ N \ 8 Ny the elimination of wasteful habits as related to commodal design in office buildings, felt confident the course would provide students a moving experience. Although the bulwark of investigation will take place at choice locations on campus, Crudd noted there will be occasional field trips to fertile closets in area bars, military bases and truckstops. “We will also have guest speakers such as Dr. Oder D. Merde (a renowned European scatologist) to bring an international flavor to the seminar," Crudd SSSSSISSSILISSASLVIISSILILISISSISISSSSALIOSILSLSLIS IDI OD Kwell Shampoo Made from the natural herbal essences of 22 natural wild flowers including Calomine, Jumpier and Wild Mountain Genital. Guaranteed to decompose your hairs organically. Truly a sensuous pubic e . experience. Retail Price -69¢ for 12 oz. 3 for $1.25 in the handy crab case! ALSLILSLSILSIILISISLIVISSIVEISISIISISSSSSS SASSI AABBLLL LDA Stereo Hi-Fi Service Fast, dependable, guaranteed service for all makes including Marantz, Sony, Kenwood, Pioneer, auto tape players, compacts, etc... . 10% parts discount for students with | CAROLINAT.V. ph. 756-2660 & ELECTRONICS West End Shopping Center Memorial Orive 6 FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 Chancellor Jenkins caught in the drunk tank of Pitt County jail trying to stand up, who despite his predicament was all smiles. When asked about his outfit he candidly replied, ‘Weil the sneakers were a little too much.” Unsuspecting students in front of the C_U. Wednesday were rushed to Pitt Memorial Hospital after being caught in the blast of the largest dog fart ever recorded on the East Coast measuring 6.2 on the Richter Scale. Mondo, the offending St. Bernard was said to have been humming, “Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce Students overlook the battered remains of Cotten Dorm where last Tuesday radical virgins barricaded themseives in protest with banners of Doris Day. A raging battle ensued when under the direction of ECU's Laurel and Hardy — Calder and Wiggins - helicopters were called in to bomb Cotten with hard core nudist magazines borrowed from the collection of a well known chancellor. Quoting Wiggins who has evidently taken his battle plans from TV's S.W.A.T., he remarked, “What we had here was a war on ou hands.” WSOEEIL SPEEA WECU Ramsey Lewis Earth Wind and Fire RECORD RIOT A winner an hour. Call 758-6658. Way Students are to call anytime day or night to leave name address and id number for drawing. First 10 day students to call win albums. MLO PIED AOMLESA EOE !PPEEES GOEE! 2 GIL! LELSSL! GF OOP! APO / FOO AM 0 Raa ak ena ae A db can! Goe Say per med | ( the you Wh adical battle ins - wed from an his n our PR wre Beckner grudgingly doles ae ~~ 7 ECU's AFROTC after their successful play, “General Doolittle New Mendenhall promises the latest in island, Pa You tr Oe Oo ee — mene vt y cting Colonel |. Will Fukacommie (top, far left) was quoted as culinary delights “including doctor (far Society, two of whose méemt . at's a little fun. right) for after dinner treatmebt. with Beckner islam A GRAVE MATTER: dead magazine (i.e. Lite )? Dead People Are Cool You know that you are discriminating against the “Silent Majority”. | know that By KILLER you'd rather be dead than to talk to a dead person, but just remember that unless you "eS | @ racist. Yes, | discriminate do something about the sick attitudes against the dead. Some of my best toward the dead people that you will be 28 ends are dead. | really get pissed off treated just the same. How would you like rs "(he way that dead people ignore it if someone only dropped by to see you Thur.-Fri. hey refuse to live in my one time a year to give you flowers and a | “\Ghborhood, go to my church or let their said nothing to you? | mean, this is a ' 'S Jo to my schools. What right do they person that you used to live with, and (APRIL FOOL “ve 10 ostracise me? | can't help it if I'm when you die you will have to live with “ive lm not here to tell you about my them again. Why make them mad in the Prejudice. I'm here to help you overcome mean time? The next time you go to a “ yOUrS. Now answer me truthfully graveyard don't step on someone's grave. “hen did you last take out a dead You wouldn't like it if they were stepping WwW a re h 0 u Ss e T h u - =F ri s person (since they've been dead) for dinner on your roof. You'd probably want to kill “4 Car ride?, When was the last time you them. So, the next time you see a dead 4 es ®a10 "Hi" to a dead person? When was person, say “Hi ° to he, she or it and ask Wi appy Hour Fri 'he last time you offered a dead person he, she or it how it’s been lately a When nae (other than at his funeral)? amen was the last ti ina _ time you advertised —_— rn cee a er) SAO A aN NI erat dee An sdb aaa el This unique natural sculpture was dedicated to Dr. Jenkins last ni - ght by a passing canine for all the help the Good Doctor has given to Greenville’s dog population. BON CHANCE! FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 7 Loyal typist Alice Leary poses with her new autoharp. Coming out of the closet after 23 years, she only had one renpark, “It was hell getting up every morning at 4:00 a.m. and shaving.” Jenkins Dr. Jenkins told the gathering of Saudi Arabian students of his own “personal sorrow” at the death of their monarch who he said, “was a money hungry oil hoarding F camei humping son-of-abitch.” ae . King Faisal is expected to be * succeeded by his brother, Crown Prince Khaled Sultan Dixie Deluxe (2 for 2 cents). 8 FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 TST IO Oe, eae. Ediforials/‘Commentary The — Out of the mouths... Re i extinguis [Complete and uncorrected] ; Letters 7 si More than anything else college is a transition. And if | understand the quotations | prcatl correctly, that key lies in being able to adjust and “stabilize” an over-capacity enrollment. ' itorials © Unless a driving student is willing to rise early and try to boat the rush, he will f page def probably end up wailing in line, wasting gas and maybe even missing glasses. But { are nevet during classes the animals meet in front of the old C.U. for a day of romping and tail = FOUNTA chasing, yelping and mouching off the soft-hearted students trying to bunch between [| refuse p glasses. The cause was good, the workers sincere. : obesity, While on the topic on chosen officials; even though the words seem to go perfectly ( commen with each other when talking politics, unfortunately ‘chosen’ is not always the vest 2 andall tl adjective to describe those who hold the reigns of pwere. fa =o only inp They chase frizbees on the mail, lay in the sunshine, huddle next to the buildings on i brainy days. Like it or not, that is what we are. But all in all, we are ali Americais. i But what about the women who made the decision to carry out their i pregnancy? Campus officials went along with the idea as far as to allow a week of free { frolic. Then it was over, at least iegally it was z The campus police are really serious in cleaning up our traffic problems here. They ' are alert, squick and not above chasing a fleeing wrongdoer = C At this time of year the walk across the mail is an exceptionally vigorating one. The i trees are beautifully dressed out, the air is crips and vital, the sun is encouragingly 4 ee harm. Corner store soda pops and carrying your girl’s looks to school are little pleasures iH =o not forgotten. But for a time it was good to flip into the booth at Tate's Diner in Norton, ‘ - On Va ‘i — Chancellor Leo W. Jenkins joined the staff in saying velcome to all visitors and a - e ” hearthy homecoming to all ; sagt At any rate, may the personal bias they appear to hold for us be caste aside and ‘ m y = a aaa ics covered in the dust of non-progress we are finally beginning to shake from our heals oe , tt ry Trivia, tricia, and repeat, ribit. The several exits could never accomodate ali the 5,500 / tim e wee 4 pcg Wy est #68 panicing and stampeding crowd should a fire bread out. But what gave me such a = oy 1 surprise was the fact that they actually know what they are doing. Most likely this is Eb ste true ' pra } This is an unfortunate event One of the least mentioned and seldom Sweeps Union. They went out on strike fo a But it hit last year, and with such impact that even the isolated utopian atmospheres seen persons around is the chimney higher ladders. They say it's hard gating ; Whee of college campusses were visibly shaken sweep. ECU's chimney sweep is no halfway up a chimney carrying your tools traffic For example, the ranchers in sheep herding states like Colorado, are crying for exception. and then have to make like a human fly the sitting a shepherds to tend their posturing flocks for the spring and summer moths. College He is commonly known as “Sweepy” rest of the way. We want this in ou over his decrees don’t give much insurance against unemployment today. from snow white fame but his real name is contract. The human fly union has with his But let's not hassel our higher-ups for imposing these tariffs of abomination upon us Sneezy Heights. insurance for picking themselves up afte was. he It is time to take a more responsible attitude now. As a boy he loved to climb trees with a —s they fail down on the job. We want this Breath No one is forcing us to attend ECU. The “opowers that be” on campus claim broom, but now settles for climbing clause in our contract as we werent : a hand « otherwise. So, the administration ran out on its responsibility... chimneys with a broom trained to be flys.” | ree Actually, it has become quite chronic of late. It’s a sad day at ECU He got his nickname when one day his Sweepy left us on this point of interest, this But |w lets look at what we have here. While the nations were shocked and old Chaos mocked, the people fell back in respair mother found him sleeping in the fireplace. “| was coal and | was sweepy, mommy.” And the name stuck. He became interested in chimney’s also as a young boy after watching Santa “1 once trained a cow to ciean chimneys, but my mother made me sei! her fora couple of magic beans.” Now | am going to leave you. Those of you who have been with me all year will no doubt recognize many of these well-known and far-blown errors and words. But let me leave these closing hords for you to ponder until next year's Lampoon Head — Take a long book at the oid chimney sitting there beside the coal heap in its red red brick strength. Clause make a quick exit after he woke up suddenly in response to Santa's sneazing. “Il thought someone was calling me so | went up to investigate. When | saw his boots dangling, | knew this was my calling.” Fountainhead “Do you know because | tell you so, oF 0 Hi Dear Fo “My mother toid me! would be rising to | you know ” Gertrude Stein a. heights, but | could only guess at Editor-in-Chief /Diane Taytor — meaning.” Managing Editor /Sydney Green = “He always had a fascination for Business ee Englert ph bricks,” his mother said looking back at Circulation Manager/Dennis Deweon of your her son behind her. Ad Manager Jeckle Shalicross — “All | wanted to do was find out what he Co-News Editors /Betty Hatch wanted, so | followed after him.” Mike Taylor “All | remember about the scene was Asst. News Editors /Tom Tozer opening the vent, and watching all this Patsy Hinton cr?) fall as | as climbing up. Features Ediitor/ Jim Dodeon It was then that | realized this chimney Reviews Editor/ Brandon Tise is dirty. | made it to the top and watched a Sports Editor/ John Evans sneezing man on a sled, brushing off his Layout/Janet Pope beard and clothes and saying, “Ho, ho, ho, Photographer/Rick Goldman clean your chimney.” FOUNTAINHEAD is the student news - | called out to his rising sled and said, paper of East Carolina University and C “What did you want?" | guess he didin't | soneers each Tuseday and Thursday of hear me, anyway, he said, “To all @ | the school yeer. To Fou goodnight and don't forget to brush YOUr | Meiting address: Box 2516 ECU Station. chimney.” Greenwille, N.C. 27834 Tot Now Sweepy has hit the big time, he | Egitorial Offices: 758-6366, 758-6357 My doy cleans all the chimneys at ECU but has | sunscriptions: $10 annually for or around found himself out of work and for good students reason, he joined the Local Chimney 4 Was en FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 ° 0 IIIT AOI CI SCIEN OI TheBore ‘em Attention FOUNTAINHEAD Invites all readers to extinguish their opinions in the Bore’em. and otherwise should not be their author(s}; names will be itorials on thi: page deflect the opletes of the editor, and are never those of the staff. FOUNTAINHEAD reserves the fight to retuse printing in instances of dribble, obesity, or just because it wants to and to comment as an undeclared body on any and all tissues. A newsypaper is dejective only in proportion to its automony. Toed again To Fountainhead : On Thursday, April 4, | was visiting your campus to check on a teaching position next year. When | returned to my car, | found it had been towed, and that my wife and child had been placed in the Greenville dog pound. When | went to get my car, | found that the garage owner wanted $20.00, payable only in gold bullion. When | went to get my wife and child, | found that they had been sold to the ECU Biology Dept. for experiments. When | went to see Mr. Calder of the traffic dept. to complain, | found him sitting at his desk with the waste basket over his head, shooting files off the ceiling with his revolver. When | told him who | was, he addressed me in RAoto-Rooter Breath and wneeled me out of his office in a hand cart. | really think you should investigate this Signed, Henry Cabot Lodge Ha ha Dear Fountainhead : | used to read “National Lampoon”, but the Student Goverment page on the front of your March 18 issue was so funny | laughed my earth shoes off. Keep up the good work, Peace and love, Carl Jimmy, and Connie Pauvre To Fountainhead : To the person who stole the 4 legs from my dan : "Y dog, | want it back. He can't run around anymore. The Germ Calomor phic To Fountainhead : Where does the Fountainhead come Finis | have decided to end it all because you never really loved me, did you? Goodbye forever, Sigmund Freud Tsk! To Fountainhead : Is this an example of how student funds are wasted? Is this really in good taste? | think that you have really gone too far, and all the editors should resign as a result of all the shame this issue should bring on ECU. Furthermore, if this ever happens again, the FOUNTAINHEAD should be stopped and the money used for lights over the lovers- lane at 5th St. Park. Signed, Skip Saunders Ken Strayhom Red sails Dear Waterfountain : Do any of you guys know where | can get a copy of “Red Sails in the Sunset” by Tab Hunter? | want the single, not the album. Please don't get confused. Please print this incase anyone out there knows where | can procure a copy. My girlfriend's birthday is coming up and | want to surprize her. Nonsense revisited Dear Fountainhead : How's everybody up there on the third floor? Give my regards to what people in the business call “newspapers”. This letter is in regards to a letter in the previous issue. The letter stated that there is an optimistic feeling spreading around campus about the April Fool's issue and classes next fall. The seniors are graduating who want to be reminded about classes in the fall after you've already graduated, right? For myself, | wouldn't. Coming back to the pre-registration issue there was an article in today’s issue about the success of the issue. Who cares? Who wants to worry about fall class in the summer? For myself, | wouldn't. The incoming freshmen are going to be bewildered, puzzeled, dazed and confused about their classes for next fall. They won't even see the April Fool's issue, today’s lampoon edition, or this letter unless they come up to. the FOUNTAINHEAD office. How are we going to keep them from climbing the stairs and becoming aware of campus events? For myself, | wouldn't. There is another optimistic feeling going around that there will be easy teachers. This leads to the false conclusions that “school's a drag” and “you don't have to do any work to pass.” You have to study your ass off unless you're a freshman. | concede there's hope for new blood on campus even if they are freshmen. Maybe we all should go back to the past and become freshmen once again. | guess it would mean, in the process, failing all the courses we took, to be endowed with freshman status. The ultimate conciusion of this would be that everyone could be optimistic, hopeful, and fun around happy about being bewlidered freshmen. Maybe next fali we'll see a mass Change in class status and the class of 1980 the largest and most optimistic graduating class in ECU's history, or maybe they won't graduate at ail. Pat Flynn Problem To Fountainhead : | have just met a beautiful young girl whom | wani to marry. But, there are some things | need to tell her. My father is wanted for murder, my mother runs a still, my older brother is a pusher, and my sister is a prostitute, my younger brother goes to Carolina at Chapel Hill. The problem is, should | tell my lady-fair that my younger brother goes to Carolina! Signed, Eustace Tilly lO FOUNTAINHEAD VOL 6. NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 ance meeting between Prasident Ford (lett {r or enith FREE FLICKS Wed., 8:00 GENITALS PREFER BLONDS Staring Peter o‘Toole Fri., 7:00-9:00 THIGH NOON Staring Bela LaGonad ned ECU's finest t day armed witt wWBob’s TV Zenith Allegro-Bob’s TV Z } FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 I] erence nema atmnneandintianamantndicnameninnene natant tint ETT Chancellor statute just another mall eyesore tatue W Stand in the } nt 4 25S10f ne added BY GUY COX Se a a 5 YOUR BUG TIAED ? IF SO.TURN IT ON WITH TUNE UP PARTS FROM BUMS DOWNTOWN? -— Several weeks ago ECU Chancellor Leo Jenkins explained that one reason he was in favor of having beer sales on campus wouid be to get the student “away from the bums downtown”. In searching the HEAD files the staff could find but one photo to match Jenkins’ vivid description eo Qi WAS MIN GT ON ST/ GREEMWULE NL... PRONES | 168°9/ 1), BEHTZ # CHAMPION PLUGS.......... XK % GUARANTEED PARTS TUNE UP PARTS a WIX AIR FILTERS ............ XXX WITH THIS ADVERTISEMENT SIRLOIN STRIP DINNE $2.89 -Bobs TV Zeni enith BONANZA Bob's TV Zenith Allegro Bob’s TV & Appliance ie 0 746-4021 752-6248 Bonanza Sirloin Pit rs Second St. 1702 West Fifth 520 W. Greenville Bivd. at Ayden ,N.C. Greenville, N.C. 264 By-Pass and Memorial Drive B ve} ob's TV Zenith Allegro-Bob’'s TV Zenith Alle nville, N.C. ] 2 FOUNTAINHEAD/ VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 Se ae Student fees to By ELENAH DARWOOOD Staff Writer Another increase in fees for ECU students in the Fall of 1975 was announced by the Administration recently An increase of $14.99 each quarter will fund various items deemed “necessary” by the Administration. They decided that the past fee increase of $15 was a bit too much Included for funding are window paddings for professors to use to alleviate excessive noise from the cranking and operating of lawn mowers especially beneath the windows of Austin building around Spring quarter Also included is an expensive and elaborate lighting system along the railroad tracks across Tenth Street, behind Joyner Library and Green Dormitory for the protection of freshman male students having unlimited hours. (It has already been reported that one such male was attacked and brutally raped by = an unidentified creature bearing inch-long fingernails, five-inch platform shoes and a free Inez Garcia’ button along the right boob.) The increase in student fees will also fund extra toilet paper on weekends in ail student dormitories. Also, extra stools are needed in the bathrooms marked “Faculty” since there has been either an increase in the number of faculty Members using the bathrooms or an increase in the number of students unable to read at ECU Extra funds are also needed, the Administration claims, to repair damage done to Ficklen Stadium following the last fee hike Janitors reported seeing obscenities scribbled on the bleachers there However, there was reportedly, a decrease in the number of couples caught in compromising positions due to increased lighting at Ficklen Stadium. But be decreased next fall several hundred persons were wearing sunglasses at the |ac the blinding glare Meanwhile, a massive fund-raig) drive was recently undertaken by st i iN an effort to counteract the incr : scheduled for Pall Quarter 1975 ” They include a peep show cami where students can take pot shots at professors of their choice for $1 per or anything else. They have al collected thousands of dollars towed tae goal The booth marked Chancellor however, wiil cost $5 per shot and the one marked “administrative officials” wil te free for all Head characters at a Continued from page one. ner bustling enthusiasms) are her sincerity and congenality. It is literally impossible to make Sydney mad. Every paper should have one (or two) like Sydney{'s) Moving to the news desk one finds Betty Hatch. (Or Betty Hatch will find you.) Betty. like Sydney, is a real go-getter, so we send her for coffee whenever possible SONSCIENCIOUS, aNd perceptive she is on top of all that happens at ECU. )she prefers the ind gathers the news in and distributes it with a gusto that reaches right out and S yOu, (iN a sensitive spot). She likes plants, Zero bars, and men. not necessarily in roer TAYLOR, the other news editor, is relatively new to the staff. He useci to be in tne SGA, but we don't hoid it against him. Mike is a whiz at sorting through ai! of that political jargon and transiating into newspaper jargon, which you read in the paper Mike is one of the two only married staff members so he exudes somewhat of a paternal! ntiuence around the paper, for no other staff members are allowed to have relations at the office TOM TOZER and PATSY HINTON are assistant news editors. Like Mike they are new tne staff, but competent and talented and ready for any challenge. Tom's, at the moment, happens to be Betty Hatch, and Patsy's her new Mark Eden Bust Developer which came in the mail last week The Features Editor, JIM DODSON, is rumored to be terminally insane. A “high ow achiever,” he is one who is dedicated to ihe philosophy that his grasp should never exceed her backside, being a man with an affinity for a rear view of life. He approaches Nis job Casually, can be considerate when the occasion rises, and a regular revolving son of a bitch when it doesn't. (And that's a son-of-abitch anyway you look at it.) Dob’ likes books, broads, and bread, and in the office “Exacto” champ OHN EVANS, the Sports Editor, is the only genuine yankee on the staff. He strives »n top of the sports world, as well as the female staff members. He wears a Striped shirt with a whistle around his neck so he is ready for the action at any time. Nis cOlu Timeout” is widely read from one end of the campus to the other BRANDON TISE, the Reviews Editor, is a fellow who believes that the future is w, so he pursues his work diligently, and hopes that one day some publisher will reac Nis outstanding review of Charlotte's Web, and offer him a job. On the surface he appears to be viceless, he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, and he doesn't. But we ail know Brandon for what he really is--a do nothing, yet he does have a good side to him, (Nis left), and it's rumored that he knows Agarnemnon Schliemann personally. ..a real distinctior MIKE potentia to Stay Olumr tomorrc HOUSE OF HATS House coats pajamas and rain capes. jewelry nalters pocket books. scarfs Rea r hats Repair all leather Handmade | eather 's. 117 W. 4th St., Downtown Greenville 758-0204 nlouses 403 Evans St NO FOOLIN! Starting Friday: SPECIALS at Calico’s Restaurant Spaghetti with Italian meat sauce and Grecian bread $1.45 Veal Cutlet with Tomato Sauce 1.95 Ground Beet Steak {1/2 Ib. | 2.00 Beet Tips 2.65 Spanish Pork Chops 2.45 Backbone and Collards 2.00 Stuffed Beli Peppers 2.15 7060 Evans St. Open Daily 11 am-9 pm. glance------------- Advertising Manager, JACKIE SHALLCROSS, is a bit like Brandon. Othe surface she appears to have no vices. No one has yet discerned exactly what she means when she Says “the best way to keep an ad salesman is to keep him satisfied”. Anytime one of the other editors has a lot of white space on his pages, Jackie is always there with an adto pluck in justin time. Quick with a smile, or a siap in the face (if your name happens to be Bob Braxton), she is one of the ‘old-timers’ at the paper. . who just keeps on plucking.- DAVE ENGLERT, Business Manager, has tuned into a recluse around the office. Oh he is very competent and handles the books magnificently. It’s just that when ever you really need to talk to him he's locked in his office doing “God knows what”. In al fairness, we must conceed that Dave is in love, and after all it is spring, BUT remember what we said Dave, “NO RELATIONS ALLOWED IN THE OFFICE.” JANET POPE, is our skilled layout person. In fact she lays out about Once every two weeks. An artist of notable repute she was also one of the assistant managers on the basketball team this year. A real athletic supporter. For relaxation sie plays the accordian, and has a pet monkey named, Max, who follows her around on a /eash. It works Out quite nicely because, with the economic situation being what it is she's always ready to make a cidtaah: she just GONS her sun glasses and tin Cup, sits down on the corner with her accordian and is ready to go Last, at least, we have our loyal typist, ALICE LEARY. Alice is really an “old timer’ having been on the staff for a couple of years. She is the other married staff member, and brings a maternal influence to the paper. It is to Alice that everyone eventually comes with their problems. She's an excellent listener. She has rather large ears, and is always ready with some bit of sound advice. Talking to Alice is more wonderful than being with your “personal banker’, and cheaper. She plays the autoharp and is leaming to yodel like Tammy Wynette. On any given day you can hear her howling away in her little room as the punches the keys diligently, “Who in the %#—& wrote this 7& +f piece of +%t#!” So as you can see, the staff is very diverse. Now is we could just have that miracle Let SCRAPS turn you on to SL MARL ae | / Downtown Greenville Cotanche St. 188-4354 FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 1 3 anu il t LF You Don'T LIKE TO _ FINALLY, SOMETHING DANCE, BUMP, OR WHAT- se " DIFFERENT IN EVER... IF You LIKE LOUD ¥o . ENTERTAINMENT LIVE HARD Rock BANDS... “a m1 Comes To IF YOU DON'T LiKE Goob = . BOOGIE MUSIC , PULSATING LIGHTS AND A TREMEN- DOUS NIGHTCLUB ATMOSPHERE ... a eN.. YOU PROBABLY WON'T LIKE -- Yj dnl, Ul: / (So NEW-- WE HAVEN 'T GoT A NAME YET.%~” ) ¥ LocaTeD INTHE OLD Tiki" BUILDING, GAME ROOM- BAR OPEN DAILY 2 RM. THE MUSIC STARTS AT SPM. NITELY,~ "DIS COTHEQUES,, ARE FASTLY BECOMING THE #1 FORM OF NITELY ENTERTAINMENT THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY, " — Billboard Magazine— ——srvteaninaiemaenanpiteipsemmamniiestiliiiliaasdiadspe a ai at etl ae 14 FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 SO SRT OPN ISIS IOSD SID IODC ISCO, AdayinthelifeofSID - By BUNNY MUCKENFUZZ ke any other Campus SID in that ne at the beck and call, or, if you prefer nercy f every coach in the Campus Athiet Department Thats because Sid the Sports Information Director, and his lay Sually Starts some fashion like appointment ni today. when he has a9 a vith the campus footba OK And this US INeSS { putting out ster about our team with uniform bers has got t stor the head football coach bellowed “Don't you know there are Communist spies that infiltrate the news media? Dont you know there are enemy scoutS disquised as program listributors who are waiting to do ternble t gs wit ww roster? t Mr Footbail Coach, | only Wanted t Dont tell me what you wanted to do boy. | know what's good for the program, | KNOW what's good for me and whatever is yood for me and the program is good for me and you. And don't you forget it! a n@way conversation leaves wondering why he left his job as a button sewer in the nome town shin actory, but in keeping with University is, ¥ regarding probiems, he mutters Maybe jf ose my eyes it will QO away’ and jeaves returns to his office, eager to jispense with the daily quota of expense reports, network proposais, and idiotic telephone calls. He doesn't have long to wait ner an you tell me where to reserve a nandba ourt we work under the Department of Athletics and we have KNOW What department you are in and know this is Sports Information. Don't YOU KNOW where | can reserve a handball See. tnat number is 6441, so would Why don't you connect me. You don't nave anything else to dc Nothing but answer stupid calis.” NOW peeved again about the sign Nis door that says “Sports Information and not “Athietic Publicity” or “Broom Closet” simmers with rage. That subsides momentarily, as the phone rings again pardon me, but do you know where the Pittsburgh Pirates are playing tonight ANG Ls r a; , ( x suggest you Ca s Pirate Sports Information, isn't t? What the hel S wrong with you any Way SLAM The score now bing deadlocked 1-1 on telephone siams. Sid continues with his work when Steve Scuba, noted swimming oach. enters place 689-987 Campus Sted in the Coach, we had 17 additional varsity sports going on those days, and you said you would call the results yourself to the newspapers, but you didn't. With my staff f one dwart, a nine-fingered typist and Jonah’'s cousin, | didn't have the time to research the Library of Swimming Catalogue (not to be confused with the Library of Congress--Ed ) and see what the records for non-stop towel twirling were Look, | understand your problem, but | want to upgrade my program the best way | an Fine. so if you want to do that, then help me upgrade my program because everything | do is directly related to what you a Mumbling something about ‘these #—&&& —°ot publicity men they get ers of college these days’ Scuba leaves Seeing now that it is 12 noon, and he has not eaten breakfast due to indigestion from the night before, Sid departs in ompany of the track, soccer, basketbal| and club parchessi coaches Before leaving, though, he apprehends basket bal! coach and deftly swipes current newspaper out of back pocket, having recognized it to be the same paper swiped from his own office only minutes prior Lunch is entirely uneventful, except for the Dow! of soup the waitress spills on, yes, you guessed it, Sid's lap. Undaunted, and too embarrassed to scream because of the searing pain, Sid return with comrades to work Awaiting Sid on his return is a call to return to Poison-Pen Puccinni, local sports writer, who is awaiting an in depth feature story on the club Pparchessi team, as well as scores from last night's women s tag-team Monopoly game Did she really land on Marvin Gardens with the other team still there and have to pay rent?” asks Puccinni. “And what about the ciub parchessi tear? Is it true they have gone 45 consecutive matches, but are necessary for the Clod’s Cup, as nanded out by the conference?” EAST CAROLINA'S QUARTIB BACK is about to drop Sid informs Puccini that the results are not available due to mechanical difficulties encountered in the computer racking up parchessi scores. Poison Pen, though continues about his business, reminding Sid who “the only paper in town 1s, so don't be a wise guy.” Sid finds another cali-back note, this one to the station manager of HIK-AM, a Station laying outside the city limits but with a manager vocal enough to cover the entire city Where are my complimentary football tickets? ‘But sir, we do not have footbail tickets for next year ‘What do you maan next year, | want tickets for 1979 and not next year! | am your news media and | expect to be wined and dined, fed by every one at the Campus or | will Say dirty things about you on the air. Or, better yet, | will say nothing at all and we will watch your popularity status fall.” But sir, you will be mailed your tickets, for you and ali your family for three generations henceforth ’ “Matied? What is this mailed? You mean they will not be personally delivered by a messenger in a horse-drawn Carriage?” “I'm sory, sir, but ‘Don't but, don’t but me!” SLAM! Now down 2-1, Seq begins to be a little on the wary side in terms of answering more telephone calis. He orders telephone npped out of the wall, but is told by nine-fingered secretary that the telephones were ripped out of the fieldhouse last week and the Sports Information Office wasn't through paying for those bills yet Sid, at 3 pm., receives a visitor, a graduate student wishing to do a thesis on the function of an athletic department on campus. Sid and the student run into a minor problem: they can't find anyone with an answer E.F. Hutton everything atter overhearing a fan's comments conceming All is well for Sid ar 1 his St Uden assistants for approximate, ne hour e a horrifying scream resounds thre. s0G id dugh hy burlding " “WE HAVE TO GET A RELEA ! Quivering with fear. the st a the long toll of writing st eS ang somewhere in their pointed jittle heads the memory of Marvin linger: Marvin was a student assistant at one time, and he did the impossibie one day Such as this: he asked a question That is a NO-NO, because students are to be seen and not heard ‘Sid, why don't we work on the release earlier in the day, then we won't have to scrape and work ourselves into ulcers to get it out by mailing time Sensing the brevity of the situation. jn that he did not have an answer Sid fired Marvin, and that fear lingers with ali remaining helpers today Two hours later, exhausted but undaunted, the staff mails another release And Sid, after returning to his office contemplates to good life One in which he puts in his eight hours per day and goes home, worry free. But Sid decides he has made the right decision and, unlike the 15 predecessors, in confident of his staying power at the Campus The telephone’s insistent ring wakes him from a deep sleep. He is stil! seated at his desk, and when he jooks at the sunlight filtering through the window and the secretary scurrying down the hall outside, Sid realizes he fel! asleep on the job and would be drawn and quartered if anyone really knew why “Let me get my thoughts together,” Sid mumbles to himself. ‘But first | better got the telephone.” ‘Can you tell me where to reserve a handball court.” The Campus Athletic Department will never see Sid again. But that is little wonder, for they have lost eight in the last eight years s SOME two EC _ f 1g FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 po comfortable R. iF OOF a hou Until NTOUgH the s { 1 a re fy, in) 18S ~ oa RK he ant at one Py x) One day — N. That is R, R. ) DE sean yl t have to UlCEers to RK, ne R, Siero ne comtoraniote AR wt a Bx] vcse cancel Excutve too. ~ grip stains 4 gg 2 ar tte ec but j R aeanien inane a cnt R, Leer ; SOME TIMES there Is only one way to ward off a rapist. Here clinic on self-defense in Minges Coliseum. i — ipad Soouhereed is Eas | n which two ECU jockettes demonstrate this method during a recent eS) padded jeather supe in thee, aoe R. or bone R. 5 he has wi ph iby) Sizes 4 to 10 oy ) wakes R "“¥ At Discount Prices R eated at : , Plus fs OW and R r Lis R. ne hall neern yaaa on the FREE prescription pickup f tered if iby) and delivery ee] x" 80 loQSs Her got R = Sone R, erve a \ 752-2136 OPPOSITE COURT HOUSE at will > little ‘ . N \ N N \ N N ‘ . . \ \ N \ N N \ : . One FREE Mug of your : . favorite beverage with food N : order. N . N \ Pizzas, Hot Dogs, and Subs N N . Special N OL ECUhead football coach ag ) a ee ee picks up a tumble and \ 5:30 to 8:30 ws Friday N heads toward the N.C. State end zone. \ Vessssrrrssrrerrererrrrrrrrrowad oan aretha on earn seme orspsapan ented ttt aA II OAT and tae ta tatiana tT — haere ceca ence eaten Src FOUNTAINHEAD/VOL. 6, NO. 43/3 APRIL 1975 mannan aA Ne Cheerleaders aid ECU Lacrosse team Jones, a6-10, for the Swahili tean Time-out tans) SVE map ECU's head lacrosse coach, None N fectionately % referrec ( his , 4 By E.J. PENHALL Existence, announced today the signing of sis to by ates as 4 East Swahili High's Neanderthal Jones to a “ The js — Q | WOULD YOU BELIEVE four-year Grant-in-Aid ae. oo refused to ia | comment on Jones nick: exceEnt t; | Existence, when questioned what the say he was | ICK ALLEN agreed to come to terms and play with the Atlanta sree Sanne” War four-year scholarship would do to the Fame to caieaties } fa _ ; this season provided the Braves um to midtown Philadelphia and change team's athletic budget remarked, “it is Jones, as far as ar YONG Can tell. is th i | the name to the Black Sox © ne : about time the cheerleaders did something first scholarship player for the Lacmen ALLEN also agreed to play every alternate Thursday provided it does not conflict with to promote minor sports on campus, and team since its rebirth . a ro the slugger's already scheduled plans at $25 a shot, the girls should provide us now i : with enough money to go to the Existence announced that with a jittie ; Nationals.” funding and the girls’ help Fas: Carolite a : : eee When it was pointed out to Existence could become a “powerhouse in + BILL WALTON today announced for the fifth time that he is quitting professional that no schedule had, as of yet, been made Southeast wd basketbal!, saying that he doesn’t get the high-flying” feeling he used to ; up for the team he said, “Weill, one thing is The ECU stickmen played an exhibitic WALTON has been sidelined from the Portland NBA club for three months following for sure, if we do not play anyone, then game Saturday, dropoir -— shee npg | an overdose of wheat ger we'll finished the season with an unbeaten to the same River F sri was that ‘+ record defeated the Tar River £ state: ‘eam one j The policy for NCAA National month ago announced Nis intentions to compete against gir! scout troop ee eee Existence commente: We hee 4 undefeated team automatically receives a good effort despite the fact that we could bid to the tournament, so it would appear play only six players against. ther that the Lacrosse team stands a good regulation nine man tear chance to qualify for the NCAA's Na IN a COOKIE Selling Contest, with the winner getting al! they p CcooKies har rumbds MUHAMMED AL! announced his next title opponent in a news conference yesterday, Bee px e DOXING Kangaroo said AL! the world champion, “There is no human alive today who can beat me, so after a thought |d give the animals a chance AViID THOMPSON torcay said ne would refuse to play for the New York Knicks baske’ tean ting the main reason as the Knicks Madison Square Garden home “nw ant see playing in a lasers place the rest of my career, so | thought | would take t and get a jot with the circus ‘ M BROWN. former pro football great and now a film star, today remarked on why he { +} . Adustn , kK AX e movie industry so muct Al during my career, | was always getting beat on and never had a chance to make body 1 nmy own. But, in the movies | get al! the body contact | need and | don't that ee weal a at useless equipment HOWARD COSELL, ABC Sports Commentator and star of MONDAY NIGHT AT THE M TH. was silenced today when a group of Houston football fans stole the aid the group S leader Si Lentforever, “We've been planning this job for a long time we f y got Cosel! to get that mike out of his (expletive deleted) We: ta £ RNOLD NOGO wasunSuccessfu! t inaccompanied attempt to swim the English nel today when he came up short 417 about 3 miles short of the French coast Nave give Jt on the way down, was unavailable RIESELL, the niversity of Maryland's head basketbal! coach. has dex idedt ) to the chair manufacturing business REISEL who said he got the idea during the ACC basketball hampionships tater ) the charm SNIPS | noticed the need for less rigid aluminum chairs to f bea! ¢ risides i? Dasketbal james. | Nave plans to build an easily apSable chair for practicing, with a new streamline version for game situations ALABAMA recently announced Linda Lovelace as the new head football coach. replacing Bear Bryant he reason given by an official was that ‘she doesn't choke on the big ones THIS IS THE REAL CLARENCE STASAVICH caught in a pose after coming out of a recent meeting of the ECU Athletic Council on the subject of old age benefits. mee etna eieeieetatae eee ope opt ee a petel eels nSSseln=vSnASSSSnSSSstrousesnmseneeereneseeseeee neetee re