The East Carolinian, April Fools Edition, April 1, 1997

uolume OD, issue 00
Pop Culture Degree Coming to ECU
Lois L a n f
Finally ECU students will be able to get a college degree for doing something
they love to do: nothing. Eating Cheetos and sleeping until the afternoon will
finally get students a college degree.
The new degree, to be called Popular Culture Studies, will debut "when I
get around to making out a curriculum said I.M. Stupide.
The curriculum, when Stupide finishes it, is expected to have classes to ful-
fill a major minor or even general education requirements.
To fulfill English requirements, rather than taking English 1100 and 1200.
students may choose from
Science classes to be offered by the Popular Culture department will be
Appetizer 1100. Chemistry Set and Operation! mastery. Operation! mastery will
replace an anatomy and physiology course; students must lie an expert at the
game that requires players to remove bones without making the buzzer go off.
Appetizer 101, which can be substituted for chemistry, will teach students to
make mocktails and party food. "We want students to be well-nourished when
they party Stupide said. "They will have to combine things to come up with
good things to eat
Chemistry Set allows students to purchase a chemistry set from either
Dowdy Student Stores, University Book Exchange orToys-R-l's. As soon as thev
can do all the experiments in the set, rhey earn an A.
Stupide said the general geography requirement could be met when a stu-
dent puts together a puzzle of the United States, also to be stocked at the
Student Store. UBE and Toys R Us.
Physical education requirements can be met with one of three classes:
Sunbathing, Walking the Dog and Rec Center Workout. "Students can get class
credit for getting a tan, walking their dog or even being seen at the Rec (enter
History, science, math and English requirements can also be met, Stupide
said, bv using Schoolhouse Rock! videos. Stupide said. "If stu-
dents choose this option, thev have to sing one selection from
America Rock. Science Rock. Math Rock and Grammar Rock.
For instance, they'll have to sing The Preamble
'Intcrplanet Janet Three is a Magic Number' and
'Conjunction Junction "
Students who choose to major in Hip Culture Studies will
have a v anctv of majors from which to choose, such as: TVA CR
Programming, Redneck English. Talk Show Sociology, Soap
Opera Psychology, '60s, '70s and '80s Music Appreciation, Fast
Food Nutrition, Criminal Justice in the Popular Media, Comic
Book Literature. F'R Pre-Medicine and Film. Television, Radio
and Video.
"We figure you need a college degree to program a television
or video cassette recorder-cither that or people are just too
damn lazy to do it. So if a student can program all kinds of these
things, people will pay a load of money to have their VCRs pro-
gran" med
Stupide said he has approached members of the Knglish
Department to handle the Redneck English and Comic Book
Literature tracks and has approached members of the Medical
School to handle the h.R Pre-Med track. The Film, Television,
Radio and Video track can be covered by watching films at
Hendrix and television at Mendenhall Student Center.
Blockbuster Music and Blockbuster Video have been
approached to offer videos, compact discs, bixiks and magazines
as required class materials. Students who declare FTRVas their
major will be able to concentrate in Films on Video, television
and radio programming by genre and Music Video. "It's the MTV' (ieneration
coming of age Stupide said.
CD Alley has been approached to provide class materials for the Musk
Appreciation track. "We've also approached the area night spots to serve as the
Soon the lounge at Mendenhall Student Center will be a classroom as watching television will earn stu-
dents a college degree.
classrooms Stupide said.
As for when the degree will be available to students. Stupide said, "I'm not
sure. I can't work on the curriculum until my doctorate comes through Stupide
said he expects his doctorate to arrive any day now from International
Sell-Out certain
for Spring
Tony Montana
Coming as no surprise to ECU students is
the recent booking of a major concert set to
perform at Williams Arena in Minges
Innovative musician. Beck, was booked by
the Popular Entertainment Committee to
perform a Spring concert. However, EC.l I was
outbid by N.C State for Beck to play at
Reynolds Coliseum in Raleigh.
Not to be outdone, the ECU Popular
Entertainment Committee has succeeded in
booking a diverse trio of acts to entertain the
student bodv. Rap performers Wu Tang Klan
will kick off the April .11, 1997 concert at 7:30
Spoken word performer Henry Rollins will
follow Wu Tang as another feature performer
whose job is to hype up the crowd for the
headlining act. "I've performed in venues in
all sizes of cities all over the world Rollins
said. "But when I was offered the chance to
play a city like Greenville, I couldn't pass it
up Rollins said.
It's been a long time coming for anothet
legendary act like the Allrnan Brothers Band
to play Williams Arena. But the contracts
have been signed and students are giddy to
see M.C. Eakin (a.k.a. Chancellor Richard
Eakin) perform hits from his years in the
recording business. "I heard about how much
the Allmans got in 1995 to play, so all I said
was 'Show me the money Eakin said.
But the fun does not stop there.
Eakin will be backed up on the wheels of
steel by Board of Trustees. Eakin's hits go
back several years to his first smash, "Two
Secretaries and a Dictaphone
"I wasn't planning on touring this year
because of the hectic schedule I have moon-
lighting as the Chancellor Eakin said. "But
seeing as I'll onlv have to go to the other side
of campus for soundcheck. I'll make an
exception in this case
Older students remember the fashion
trend set in the early 80's by Chancellor
Eakin. "Nobody wore Pumas with fat laces
until Chancellor F'akin did one ECU stu-
dent said. "1 just hope I'll lie able to get tick-
ets before they sell out another student
Tickets go on sale next week and are avail-
able at all TicketMonster outlets in North
Carolina. The April 31 show is certain to sell
out so students are encouraged to buy their
tickets in advance.
Editor learns to WEATHER:
enjoy downtown . , who cares" we
Opinion�- V make it
SGA keeps promises up anyway
once in office
Pirates win all J�b
games �?
the least Carolinian
M Rtlli Bt06.
PURPlfVULE. NC 27858
across fiom consmiction
328-6366 choastoom
328-2000 the money
328 6558 phonepaper
uutececuvm cisecu edu
Been noticing fewer squirrels
on campus lately? That's
because the Department of
Biology is offering a S25
cash reward for any live Cx
Maors (squirrels) to advance
laboratory research in
cloning The department
wishes to assure squirrel
lovers that few animals will
perish during the research
and that there are sure to be
hundreds, maybe thousands.
of squirrels on campus by
the fall.
Levi Strauss, ECU merge; students gain
S 1 h 1 �K I I I H
F'arly Monday morning. Chancellor Ivikm
announced to the Board of 'Trustees that the
contract Ed has been negotiating with lx:vi
Strauss and company has been finalized,
After almost a year of implementing and
revising, the contract, which bonds the jeans
company and the university in an unprece-
dented manner was signed sealed and put into
effect as of today.
The contract states that anv student who
has supported Levi Strauss by buying authen-
tic Levi products since the beginning of his or
her college career is eligible for a special schol-
arship which makes complete provisions for in-
state and out-of-state tuition and u housing
and dining allowance.
"We feel that this is the least we can do for
our faithful customers said Company CEO
Nathan Levi-Stattofi III. "We also feel that
this is a wonderful opportunity to further the
business of our company"
.Statton said all of the parties invoked ratio-
nalized that if students are relieved from the
burden of tuition and fees, they will have more
revenue to put back into the company and at
the same time build upon their Levi wardrobe.
"I can think of no greater honor than for our
university ro be singled out for this distinction
b such a successful corporate conglomerate
Eakin said, adding that this is also a wonderful
opportunity for some promising degree-seek-
ers to further their academic careers.
Statton said that the only limitations in the
contract are stated in Clauses II and III if the
contract which state that eligibility for the
scholarship hinges on w hether or not the appli-
cant owns both a pair of SOIs and a pair of 550s
and whether or not the applicant has pur-
chased anv l)lo or Tommy Flilfiger jean prod-
"These clauses were added for a number of
very important reasons Statton said. "We feel
that anv serious Levi supporter who is deserv-
ing of such a generous scholarship shouid at
least own our most popular products. 501 and
550. We also do not find it in the best interest
of our company to reward anv consumer who
has been supportive of our most recent popu-
lar rivals
Eakin expressed concerns that Clause III
will disqualify a lot of students because of the
popularity of Polo and Tommy wear on campus,
but Statton said the clause must remain for the
better good of I .cvi Strauss and companv.
Overall. Eakin said he is more than pleased
with the new ECU-Levi partnership and
expressed hopes that more mergers of this
kind can be made in the future.
Applications for the E( II -I.FAT Partnership
Scholarship (ECULPS) are available in Austin
212. Students will be required to show suitable
proof that thev meet the specifications of
Clauses II and III.
Photographs such as the one above are considered
suitable proof for meeting one of the requirements
stated in Clauses II and III of the ECU-Levi
Partnership Scholarship Other proofs include
bringing in the specified jeans to Autin 212 when
seeking an application
They're coming to take us away
I. H O s I W M I ! ! H
In the wake of the Heaven's date cult fiasco,
a new group on campus has called tor univer-
sitv officials to give them asylum. The group,
which identities itself as Renouncing the
Extraterrestrial Deportation of Newly
Fducated Country Kooks lor
R.E.D.N.E.C.R.), warns protection from the
aliens in the spaceship that is flying in the rail
of the Hale-Bopp comet, the same aliens
which rook awa rne 1 leav en's f rate members.
"We feel like they're after us next said
R.E.DNF, C.K. president Bucky Sinister
"Mv momma, my uncle, several of my uuisms
and my best milk cow have all had encotinrers
with aliens at different tunes in the past year.
It all happened right nut back in nut tobacco
field Wlin knows what plans them luilc green
suckers have in store tor us
Following the overwhelming evidence pre-
sented m the documentary films
Independence Day and Mars ttacks the
insightful TV news shows Mien utopsv and
The X-Files, and the continued coverage of
things extraterrestrial bv such notable news-
papers as The Weekly World News and The
National Enquirer, it seems that
R II ).N. !�( K. members do legitimately
have something to fear.
"You damn sfcippy acknowledged
R.E.D.N.E.C K. secretary Eileen Dover. 'Mv
brother Ben was taken aboard a miniature
alien ship that was hiding in the latrine dug
under his tcn-seater outhouse. He came out
in i dae several davs later, and to this day he
still can't say the words 'Tidy-Bowl' without
having seizures I'm telling you them dang
Martians is nuts, rhey could be anywhere.
I Icll. vnii might be one of 'em. Vi ain't, is
"It is a known fact that most extraterrestri-
al sightings ami i nntai is arc made in tobacco
fields Hi uiir in ihe , ountryside with farmers or
other manual laborers noted alien expert and
F.( A professor (Jene Ween explained. "These
outworlders tend to target and prev on those
unsuspecting, innocent workers for reasons
that are incomprehensible to most of the
academu. I have my theories, but thev are
probably a little bit over the heads of vour
readership. Sorrx. Now get our of mv office,
vi hi small-brained person
The compelling case made bv these suffer-
ers of intergalactic prejudice and specicsism
has not fallen on deaf ears with the adminis-
tration. (IhanceJIor Eakin has allotted the
R.E.D.N.E.C.K. group space in the newly-
erecred clock lower ro reads themselves for
the oncoming assault.
Because of R.I�I ).N�( Ks plight, the
Studeni Government Association has gone
the extra step and decided to give up their
paid tiiitnm Thev will use the money instead
t.i buy substantial artillery for the protection
of the clock sower and campus from alien inva-
il of us here at lit are praying for sou
R.E.1 N I. I K.s; hang in there.
s hoc less Mo Jackson
STAFf vv K I I 1 R
Stunning. That is all that could be said of the
announcement made by Wake Forest star
Tim Duncan yesterday.
Duncan called a special press conference
to announce that he would not continue his
basketball career in the NBA.
The onlv
"Vm tired of basket-
ball and am ready for
something new and
Tim Duncan
unanimous All-
choice this sea-
son and the first
repeat selection
in five years was
chosen The
Press' college
basketball play-
er of the year
last Friday.
"I'm tired of basketball and am ready for
something new and challenging Duncan
said. "Sure. 1 could make millions in the
NBA. but I have to ask myself, 'Would I real-
ly be happv?' I think the answer is no
Duncan was expected to be the number
one pick in this year's draft after averaging
20.8 points and 14.7 rebounds this season.
He finished his career with 2.117 points and
1.570 rebounds. He is the 10th player in
Division I history to have more than 2,000
points and 1,500 rebounds and his 481
blocked shots were second on the career list.
Head Coach Dave Odom knew Duncan
was reconsidering his admission to the NBA.
"Tim always said basketball wasn't really
his game Odom said.
When asked what was his game. Odom
replied "chess
Chess? That's right. Tim Duncan, the
basketball star who had his jersey retired will
compete competitively on the U.S. Chess
"It allows me to think and use my mental
abilities instead of my physical abilities
Duncan said. "It's a lot more delicate and I
won't get banged around so much
Duncan has been an avid chess player
since the age of nine when a friend of his
showed him in grade school.
"1 had to keep it a secret because I knew
my basketball buddies would sav I was a wuss
for playing chess Duncan said. "But 1
placed a quick game before every game while
playing at Wake Forest and look how well 1
did. I have found mv calling
NBA Commissioner David Stern was
shocked and upset by the announcement.
"I. I. am so upset Stern said, crying.
"What betrayal
Rookie NBA star Marcus Cambv. Player-
of-the-Year lasr season, thought Duncan
made the right choice.
"Man, I know what it's like to want to fol-
low vour dreamainhv said. "Main people
don't know that I took ballet lessons up until
last vear. I wanted to follow with the
Massachusetts Ballet Companv: they even
offered me a grand salarv. but I thought pink
isn't really my color, so I chose basketball
Cambv went on to praise Duncan.
"Damn, he's the man Cambv said.
"Watch out. world. Tim the chess plaver is in
via" house1"

The East Carolinian, April Fools Edition, April 1, 1997
East Carolina's student-run campus newspaper was first published in 1923 as the East Carolina Teachers College News (1923-1925). It has been re-named as The Teco Echo (1925, 1926-1952), East Carolinian (1952-1969), Fountainhead (1969-1979), and The East Carolinian (1969, 1979-present). It includes local, state, national, and international stories with a focus on campus events.
April 01, 1997
Original Format
Local Identifier
Location of Original
University Archives
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