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April 1,1996
Vol XX, No. XX
clearly labeled i ? ?
The Xeast Carolinian
Circulation 1 million gazillion
East Carolina University
The Emerald City, N C
a lot of pases
Virus wreaks havoc
across campus
Around the State
Hickville, NC - Several
members of the Iatola Alter-
native Religion Association
(IARA), took an Oscar Myer
Weiner truck hostage this
morning, demanding that the
company start using actual
dogs in their hot dogs.
Faleigh, NC - The gov-
ernor resigned this morning
after being found in the sack
with Attorney General Janet
Reno. Although Hunts said
he thought she was gay, he
said Reno had hit oh him re-
peatedly in a bar the night
before, and told him she
wouldn't leave until he "took
her to the top of the moun-
tain
Around the Nation
Boise, Idaho - Potato
farmers from across the state
have gone on strike and say
their protest will not end
until the potato queen is
recrowned. She lost her title
last year after being exposed
in a scandel that involved Mr.
Potato Head and several of
the McDonald's french fry
guys.
Sacramento, Ca. - Re-
porting from an underwater
capsule which had been in-
vented several years earlier,
California reporters say the
state has finally fallen into
the Pacific Ocean.
Experts are now worried
about Japan being sub-
merged due to the tremen-
dous amount of water dis-
placement
Around the World
Koyomoadifh, Japan ?
Several oceangoers reported
record-breaking sea levels
across the country.
Citizens are responding
to the scare by starting surf
and ski clubs throughout.
Membership fees are said to
be as high as $2,500. One
paper reported they are plan-
ning to add a Bert's Surf
Shop to their franchise list
Hooochiecoochie, South
Africa - An unknown virus,
similar to the Ebola Virus has
broken out in a small town,
and taken the lives of hun-
dreds of citizens. Rather than
bleeding from body orifices,
however, an unknown flavor
of Gatorade is the fluid of
choice for this disease.
Bible group
censors every
campus site
Bucky Sinister
Staff Writer
A monster is loose on the
Internet. Dubbed Puritannicus by
ECU Computer Special Forces Team
Leader Duke Danger, this monster
is rampaging through the net, de-
vouring all suspicious data in its
path.
So far, Puritannicus has been
confined to the ECU system. All net
services on campus have been sus-
pended until further notice, pending
the apprehension of this terrible
beast
Puritannicus was originally a
mere computer virus designed to in-
fect pornographic materials being
sent over the net Developed by an
extreme fundamentalist faction of
Greenville's Christian Science Labo-
ratories (CSL), the virus was released
as an act of Christian terrorism.
"We were tired of the Muslims
stealing all the headlines said
Davidson Barbarism, leader of terror-
ist group Puritan Thunder. "Christian
rights are under attack by net porn,
and it's time we fought back
CSL officials have denied any
knowledge of the virus' development
and have severed all ties with Puri-
tan Thunder.
Once released into the system,
the virus started doing its work.
"In its viral, or as I am now call-
ing it - larval form, Puritannicus
zipped from user to user, infecting
pornographic materials said ECU'S
Duke Danger. "Insinuating itself into
the files, it then had several options.
In the case of nude photos,
Puritannicus would bit-map conser-
vative clothing
onto the models.
With pornographic
stories, it would re-
place offensive lan-
guage with the
phrase, 'Jesus
loves you
Within hours
of its release, how-
ever, the virus
started behaving
strangely. Invading
active net sites, it
began disrupting
communication of
even the most
vaguely sexual na-
ture. Eventually, it turned on its cre-
ators and broke into Biblical chat
rooms discussing the Song of
Solomon, the Virgin Mary and Old
Testament begatting practices.
"The real problem began when
it hit the begatting stuff Danger ob-
served. "Rather than disrupting the
information, the virus absorbed it.
Then it started growing
Taking up progressively more
memory, the virus, now officially
evolved into the monster known as
Puritannicus. started a rampage that
has not been without its casualties.
"At 0100 hours, Puritannicus en-
gaged a chat room in Austin com-
puter lab and devoured the net iden-
tities of no less than 10 users said
Sgt Lyle Manly of the National Guard
Computer Task Force sent to ECU
to aid in this crisis.
Bereft of identity, these 10 stu-
dents have lapsed into comas. They
aTe currently under observation at
Pitt Memorial Hospital. Doctors will
not comment on their condition, but
"We're currently
constructing a
data string of
nude Star Trek
photos and
cheesecake shots
of Terry Hatcher"
? Duke Danger
inside sources tell TLC that the situ-
ation looks grim.
Back on campus, efforts con-
tinue to isolate
Puritannicus.
"We're cur-
rently con-
structing a data
string of nude
Star Trek pho-
tos and cheese-
cake shots of
Terry Hatcher
Danger said.
"We hope to
lure the crea-
ture into a spe-
cially-prepared
bank of com-
puters in the H-
?"??????????? nancial Aid of-
fice. Hopefully, Puritannicus will
take the bait and we'll be able to
trap it there. The next few hours will
tell the tale
If successful, ECU computer ex-
perts hope to study the creature in
detail, a process estimated to take
no more than five years. Until such
studies are finished, and the
Puritannicus files are safely deleted,
all ECU Financial Aid services will
be terminated.
If Puritannicus does manage to
escape the Financial Aid trap, it
could continue to grow until it fills
the entire campus computer system.
Then, with ECU as its base, it would
spread to other systems world-wide.
Recent guest lecturer James
Burke, who spoke Tuesday night on
the Internet, was consulted on the
crisis. "Why don't they just unplug
the bloody computers?" the aston-
ished Burke suggested. ECU offi-
cials are currently taking the televi-
sion scientist's idea under advise-
ment.
Beavis elected
campus president
Jordan enters NHL
Staff Reports
As if basketball and a failed at-
tempt at baseball wasn't enough for
Michael Jordan, now he is going to try
his luck at hockey.
That's right hockey. Many of the
NHL teams were interested in Jordan
but he announced today that he will
be the center for the Dallas Stars. He
will commute between Dallas and Chi-
cago.
When asked why he chose Dallas,
Jordan replied that he was ready to get
away from the hectic life of the city
and now he can kick back on the range
and watch the buffalo in his back yard.
Stars Head Coach Ken Hitchcock
is excited about the arrival of Jordan.
Hitchcock, who has lost over 250
pounds, said he went on the diet to
make room for one more player on the
bench.
"I was getting too fat and when
the rumor started that Jordan might
be playing for us, I decided to thin
down so he could fit into the box with
the rest of us Hitchcock said.
Dallas is currently in 11th place
in the western conference standings
and hopes the addition of Jordan will
intimidate the Stars' opponents.
"He can jump and fry and hope-
fully he can use those skills on the ice
Hitchcock said.
Jordan has never played hockey
before, but is looking forward to a new
challenge.
"I've played ice hockey video
games Jordan said. "Does that
count
Dallas officials are excited about
Jordan coming and hope his status in
the sporting world will bring fans from
all over to fill empty seats.
"I know we have sucked this year
Hitchcock said. "But since we now have
Jordan, maybe we can bring in some
fans to cheer us on and keep our spir-
its high
Fans of the Stars are excited about
their new player.
"It brings tears to my eyes to know
we are getting the greatest athlete in
the world Steve Gray said. "Now I
hope we can win some and go atop
the conference
Dallas is eight games behind
Winnipeg who currently is the eighth
team to get into the playoffs. The
league only takes the top eight teams.
Phil Jackson, Jordan's basketball
coach with the Chicago Bulls, doesn't
completely understand why his star
player is taking up the game of hockey.
"When Jordan told me he was
going to play hockey, I just looked at
him and asked, why?" Jackson said.
"He told me the challenge excited him,
and added initially he wanted to try
figure skating but said he wouldn't
be caught dead in all that spandex.
but hockey was the next best thing
The Stars would be giving the
6'4" Jordan the opprotunity to fulfill
a childhood dream to play center.
That's right center. Jordan said he
feels that he's been in the shadow of
such players as Larry Bird and Magic
Johnson because of their height; they
were able to do something that he
could not post up! Seeing that Jor-
dan couldn't very well play Hakeem
Olijawan one on one, he decided to
do the next best thing, play center in
another sport
"Mr. Jordan has what doctors de-
scribe as 'pivot man envy and feels
inadequate as an athlete said well
known NBA psycologist Disiz
Ridiculos. ?
Since Jordan is confine- to the
ice due to the skates he'll have to
wear, Jordan plans to develop a one-
footed, 360 degree spin between-the-
legs slapshot.
Jordan said he will have at least
68 shots on goal per hockey match.
"I feel my reach will help me
against smaller players like Mario
Lemieux Jordan said. "But, how
close to the refs call fouls?"
Jordan got in some practice with
the Air Force Academy hockey team
in Boulder, Colo, this weekend. The
team could hardly believe how quickly
he adapted to the game.
"He was awesome said Major
Woodie, coach of the Commander's
Cup Champion Falcons.
Other teams around the NHL
have commented on the recent addi-
tion to the league's roster.
"I'm a Knicks fan, personally, so
I recommend Jordan better eat his
Wheaties Mark Messier, NY Ranger's
center said.
Other players agree that Jordan
will add competition to the ice.
"I'm taking Jordan to the hole
legendary hockey star Wayne Gretsky
said.
Nachos and
babes promised
to all students
Flaky Biscuit
Staff Writer
The results are in and Beavis
has been named president of
ECU'S student body.
"Cornholio Beavis ex-
claimed after learning about his
victory over Butthead for the
presidential position. "Butthead I
knew you would lose because you
suck, suck, suck, suck, suck
Butthead will automatically
assume the position of vice presi-
dent
"Uh, this sucks Butthead
said after the final tallies were
counted. "Beavis I'm gonna kill
you, then I'll be president"
The team plans to "get babes
for every dude" and to provide
nachos 24-hours a day in every
class, residence hall and at all cam-
pus activities.
Chancellor Fakin had some
concerns about how student funds
would be spent under the duo's
direction.
"I've seen their show he
said. "They're idiots who have
never had any kind of money be-
fore in their life. We're going to
have to watch them very closely
The chancellor has also made
provisions to ensure Beavis is
never given sugar or chocolate of
any kind to ensure his hyperac-
tivity stays intact
"We've taken the vending ma-
chine out of his residence hall and
plan to keep him surrounded with
security at all times Fakin said.
"Hey, where's the violence?"
Beavis asked when watching the
monitors in Mendenhall. Addi-
tional campaign promises include
the creation of an MTV minor and
Babology to be added to the
Women's Studies Program.
Beavis, a recreation and lei-
sure studies major said that he
hates dorks and that only cool
people would be allowed to join the
student government next year.
Butthead, an undeclared major,
said "Shut up Beavis" more than
30 times during Beavis' acceptance
speech. The newly elected execu-
tive council members said they
would put "hot babes" in their cabi-
net but missed the first meeting
of the semester because they were
at home sitting on the couch.
Emergency gun
permits issued
Convicts, criminals
receive last minute
gun permits
Sharon Franklin
Staff Writer
Responding to Pitt County
Sheriff Silly Blandiford's recently
televised appeal for the authority
to issue emergency gun permits for
those who need to carry a con-
cealed weapon right now (I've got
to have it before ?
Saturday night,
sheriff), the gen-
eral assembly
has issued a
number of addi-
tional permit
possibilities.
First, citing
concern for the
citizen who
needs his permit
right away and
can't wait for
the background
checks to be
done - there
will be a tempo-
rary permit. This will be issued im-
mediately. If the citizen has not
shot anyone within the time re-
quired for the background checks
to be completed, a general permit
will be issued.
Second, a learner's permit
could be issued for citizen's under
18 years of age. This could, of
course, only be used while accom-
panied by a parent or other adult
who has demonstrated their profi-
ciency with concealed weapons.
This would, of course, be someone
who has successfully shot someone
or somethig without anyone be-
For instance,
research shows
that alcohol use
often precedes
weapon use so
permits could be
offered at county
ABC stores
ing aware there was a gun present.
Third, there should be a provi-
sional permit for the category com-
posed of those who have prior
felony convictions. This permit
would be supervised by the
citizen's parole officer and would
allow for usage first with supervi-
sion. If the felon demonstrated sat-
isfactorily that he had not shot any-
one or let anyone know he was in-
deed carrying the weapon, a more
permanent permit could follow.
In order to cut down on that
pesky waiting time, permits will be
issued at a variety of places conve-
nient to emer-
gency needs.
For instance,
research shows
that alcohol use
often precedes
weapon use so
permits could be
offered at county
ABC stores.
Weary trav-
elers on our
county roads, es-
pecially at
lengthy stop
lights, often ex-
press the desire
for a weapon
right now so perhaps something
could be offered at area gas sta-
tions.
To assure the citizenry that
their emergency weapon needs are
being met, the state assembly re-
quests that you keep a log of every
time you wished you had a gun un-
der your belt and let them know of
your special needs.
That will assure that no one
will be without a weapon when they
want one.
Do not forget, however, that
the carrying of concealed weapons
is forbidden in all county offices.
'
LIFfc
tttide
8
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Weekend
Raining canned hams
JRL
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Phone
(snoozeroom) 328-6366
(lagertising) 328-2000
E-Mail
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The Least Carolinian
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